You can get the fill book "That's How I Heard It Anyway: Lesbian Tall Tales and Urban Legends" on Amazon and its affiliates.

Lesbian Urban Legends

By, C.D. Overstreet

Balcony

Willow's family moved into a new house when she was about fifteen. Across from their house was an apartment complex and from Willow's window she could see right into one of the other apartments. When she looked she often saw two women, of about twenty or so, inside. When she was home she would see them doing all kinds of normal things and sometimes they would kiss or hold each other and it was clear they were in love.

One night when she was going to bed Willow heard noises from outside and when she went to the window to look she saw the two women out on their balcony. They were naked and making love to each other. Willow could not take her eyes off of them and watched for what seemed like hours. Then suddenly both women turned and looked right at her. They each raised a hand and beckoned her, mouthing, "Join us!" over and over.

Embarrassed Willow closed her curtains and went back to bed, though she could not get any sleep. She thought about it so much all through the next day she barely remembered what happened at school. When she got home her parents were not there so finally her curiosity got the better of her and she went over to the apartment building.

But when she got up to the room she was sure was the right one she found a guy coming out of it. He was middle aged with a thick moustache and was just stepping through the door. He saw her and asked, "What re you doing here kid?"

She said, "I um, just moved in across the street. I met a lady and she asked me to visit her and her girlfriend."

He shook his head. "You've got the wrong apartment kid."

"That can't be right. I've seen them in here lots."

He shrugged and opened the door. Inside were piles of junk and boxes. "It must be another apartment. I use this one for storage." She walked past him quickly and hurried out to the balcony. When she got there she could see right across the street into her own window. "I haven't been able to rent this place in ten years for more than a week. People keep saying it's haunted."

Willow wasn't listening. She was looking into her own bedroom where two women were lying naked on the floor embracing each other. They looked back at her and began beckoning and mouthing "Join us…"

Jenny's Husband

Jenny's husband? Yes, I know him… I mean I know her and she's always talking about him. I remember last month when Ted his on her she was very adamant that she was happily married. I remember he travels a lot for his job… an executive or something. Or was it an oil rig worker? No I don't think I've actually seen him. Anyway she's got a wedding ring and I've never seen her with another guy. Just women.

Why do you ask?

The Naked Phantom Jogger

There is a story that in a park near here if you are out at dawn you can sometimes see the spirit of a beautiful nude woman jogging in the early morning light. She's been reported many times to the police, but they have never caught her. Some people tried taking pictures, but while they swear they got a shot or followed her on film, she never shows up on the camera. A few have tried to catch her but their hands pass right through if they get close enough. She just runs naked through the park with all her bits bouncing and jiggling all over the place until the sun gets all the way up and she vanishes in the light like morning fog.

There is a rumor that if a girl sees her then that night at midnight the jogger will show up at her window at exactly midnight, knocking on the glass and pressing her bosom against it. If the girl sees her then up close the ghost will vanish and the girl will develop a passionate desire to kiss and even make love to another woman and this desire will grow so intense that within a month she will have gone out and gotten a girlfriend no matter what it takes. Sometimes the feeling goes away afterwards and sometimes it does not. Supposedly this has happened even if the girl was homophobic, super religious, or had a boyfriend or husband before it happened. So young ladies are often warned to avoid the park at the dawn hour, though it's not unheard of for a girl who wants a girlfriend to ask a girl she's interested in to join her and try to see the phantom. Maybe even invite her for a bit of nude jogging if the ghost herself does not show up.

Prom Queen

She appears at school dances. A beautiful young lady in a fancy dress and a small understated tiara. Nobody recognizes her as a student. Most assume she was somebody else's date or they just did not know her personally. There are usually thousands of students at any given school.

The girl appears out of the crowd and asks people to dance. Boys or girls, she doesn't appear to care. Either way whether she is leading or not she is a fantastic dancer and her partners find themselves moving just as well. It is amazing because many times they were terrible at it. It' exhilarating and fun. Then she moves of to find another partner. The people that have already danced with her though wish to do so again, sometimes waiting patiently or trying to cut in. A few have abandoned their actual dates.

She does not mind. She will dance with them again, if there's time. And while they dance it's like they re the only person in the world.

But beware. If the same person dances with her three times she will invite them out to the parking lot. To find a nice isolated spot. And if they go… they are never seen again.

In another version instead of school dances she appears at clubs. Always impeccably dressed, a great dancer, and looking very enticing. But the same rules apply. Dance with her three times and she'll invite you to someplace isolated where you will disappear.

Wait Until Mistress Lisa Comes

A girl was out quite late when a storm came up. With nowhere else to go she scurried into an old farmhouse that she often passed by. Inside there was even some furniture left behind by the previous owners. When she got inside she lay down on an old couch and decided to get some sleep.

At some point she opened her eyes and saw a woman standing over her. She had brought candles and lit them to drive off the dark. Half asleep she thought it must be a dream and closed her eyes. If the woman meant her harm, she reasoned then there was little she could do about it. If not she likely had come in just as she had. So there was little to worry about.

A little while later she opened her eyes and saw another woman next to the first, both of them eyeing her. The second woman was wearing a leather corset, thigh high leather boots, and was tapping her hand with a riding crop. "Can we do it now?"

The first woman shook her head. "Wait until Mistress Lisa comes."

The girl went back to sleep and when she opened her eyes next there was a third woman. She was tied up to some sort of crucifix device and was naked except for a zip up mask around her mouth. It was open and she looked at the girl on the couch and her tongue, which was exceedingly long, flicked out of the opening which was unzipped. "Can we do it now?"

The first woman reached over and zipped the mask shut. "Wait until Mistress Lisa comes."

The girl closed her eyes, but now she was nervous and she only pretended to sleep. She heard the front door open and close. When she peeked this time she saw a woman covered in tattoos and piercings all over her body so that she glittered in the dim light setting up a tray with a tattoo gun and piercing equipment. She looked at the girl hungrily. "Can we do it now?"

"Wait until Mistress Lisa comes."

Scared the girl jumped up and ran for the door, "When Mistress Lisa gets here, tell her I had another engagement!"

A Stolen Voice

One day a woman with a beautiful voice stole a girl from another woman who was known as the daughter of a witch. This girl was rich and well off and her parents did not even mind that she liked women, just so long as she was happy. The two left and were very happy together, but the witch daughter wanted revenge. So she snuck up to the girl's home and waylaid one of the servants.

"Please sir, could you give this rose to the lady of the house? The one with the beautiful voice?"

Seeing no problem with that the servant took the rose and carried it to the woman. "Miss, this is a gift for you."

As soon as the girl took it she cried out because the thorns had pricked her and the witch daughter, hiding in the bushes, stole her voice. She ran off and was never seen again. When her lover came in unable to speak the girl realized at once what had happened. She had after all been in the woman's sway before and recognized the servant's description of her.

Sadly there was nothing she could do but stand by her lover and she does so to this very day.

Crosses

Two women, Jane and Ricky, finally moved into a new house together. It was their honeymoon cottage and one they had thought they were years away from owning when it came on the market at half the normal price. The place was beautiful except for one thing. There was a large cross carved on the wall and stained in blood. Right in the living room. Considering that the house had sold so cheap because there had been a rather gruesome murder there and the perpetrator was never caught, it was a bit creepy. So they spent the first day there paintin' over the thing and doing the rest of the room to match.

Only when they woke up the next day they found it there again. Not just soaking through the paint, but freshly carved and stained with fresh blood. They of course called the police and the cops came and did tests and found that it was real human blood.

The women figured someone in the neighborhood probably wanted to scare them off because they were gay. They refused to be scared off so they washed the wall down, repainted, and meanwhile a cop car waited outside to see if the perpetrator returned. It was almost a shock when he did. The women were woken up a little before midnight to screaming and yelling. They came out and saw the police manhandling a middle aged man into the back of a car. One of his hands was bandaged and a uniformed officer was bagging a large kitchen knife.

When he saw them he started shouting louder, "You don't understand! It's the redcap. It's trapped in the walls! The red cap will—!" The door closed on his screams.

A policeman had the man's wallet and said, "Looks like this guy lives next door."

"Great," Jane said. "Did he say why he did it?"

"Something about fairies," the policeman told them. They snorted and he wished them a good night.

Later though the Ricky said, "What he was saying before…. reminds me of something my grandmother used to tell me. What was it…?" She got out her cell phone and did a quick internet search. "Let's see… red cap… blood… cross… fairy…" To their surprise something came up. "The Redcap is an evil fairy known for its red cap, which got it's color from being repeatedly soaked in human blood. This creature would trick people into harming themselves or hunt them at night, killing them so it could touch up the color of its hat. The only way to drive it off was with a cross and the word of god. Often the cross was stained with blood to draw the wicked fairy's attention."

"He thinks our house is inhabited by an evil fairy?" Jane sneered. "Great. He's not homophobic and calling us fairies, he's just nuts."

That might have been the end of it, except about a week later one of the women's friends called to say they had not heard from them for a while and when they went by the house the whole place smelled awful, like rotten meat. They called for a wellness check and the police went by. When nobody answered they went inside and saw a horror show. Jane was dead; her body torn to pieces with her blood splashed everywhere. Maggots and other insects feasting on her body.

It took a while but they found Ricky in a closet, also dead. It seemed that she had starved to death. What was more she was gripping a butter knife and had carved a cross on the inside of the closet door, painting it with blood from a cut on her hand.

At first the police suspected a lover's spat. But the blood in the closet turned out to be all Ricky's and she was otherwise unstained. An impossibility considering the violence of the death. In fact they determined the first woman had been bodily torn apart somehow, while still alive. A physical impossibility for the sleight young woman Ricky was even had she been loaded up on PCP and had tools. As it was her toxicology-screen was clean. That made even less sense because it should have been impossible for her to make herself stay huddled in the closet like that and ignore starvation and dehydration for the time it would take for her to die from it.

Yet there is was. Her body sitting in a pile of her own crap dehydrated and huddled up like a frightened child inside an unlocked closet. The police checked their phones and aside from them searching up something about fairies the two had not even made any other phone calls the night they were murdered. Naturally they checked on the crazy neighbor, but he was still locked up and under psychiatric evaluation.

It did not escape their notice though, that the people who had owned the house before and died there, had been torn apart in a similar fashion.

I only mention it because the house is up for sale again. At a quarter of what the last buyers paid for it. Interested?

That Ass

On Valentine's Day two women were supposed to meet up for a date, but one of them, Mona, had to stay late at work to finish an important project. She did not even have time to go pick up her girlfriend's present. As her manager left for the night though, she noticed a gold pinkie ring he wore. "Where did you get that?"

"Oh, this old thing? My grandmother got it for me a few weeks ago. She thinks it's great but I think it's a bit gaudy."

"I agree. My girlfriend has a whole collection of stuff like that." Mona explained her situation and said, "Look, I'll buy it off you and you can tell your grandmother you lost it. I'll give you twice what it is worth."

He shrugged and handed the ring over in exchange for two hundred dollars. Once he and everyone else were gone Mona called up her girlfriend and told her, "I know it's not the most romantic thing in the world, but if you swing by the office I can at least give you a present." Her girlfriend was not exactly happy with the situation, but understood that work did come first and agreed to come by the office.

She loved the ring. As Mona had told her boss she had a whole jewelry box full of big gaudy man-rings and the like and this was just her style. She was so happy with it that she naughtily suggested that they take a little break and have a quick romp in some corner at the office. "Come on baby, it'll help you stay up."

Mona played at being reluctant, but the idea of doing it in her office where her coworkers and she spent so much time was hot. So long as they did not break anything nobody would check the security tapes and they were the only ones there. Besides she was going mad finishing up her work.

They ended up doing it on top of the photocopier and her girlfriend playfully hit the copy button a few times, just to get a few images of her hand, complete with the ring, gripping Mona's butt as they made love. When they were finished they cleaned up and one went home with most of the pictures while the other went back to work. She ended up throwing a couple in the trashcan because they were badly exposed and hard to make out. Finally about three hours later she finished and hurriedly left the office, leaving her work to be turned in to her boss the next day.

Mona got maybe four hours of sleep before having to get up and go into work the next day, only she never even ended up going inside. There were police outside and the whole building was taped off. This was horrible because she just knew they were going to check the security tape. She and the others waited around for a while, but when they tried to call their manager nobody answered and finally they all went home and she was able to finish her belated Valentine's Day date. Her girlfriend got her a gold and diamond charm bracelet; they shared a box of chocolates, and made love again before spending the afternoon snuggling on the couch. All through it she just kept expecting someone to call and fire her.

It was only the next day when Mona learned what had happened. It seems the manager's wife had been outside the office, waiting for the last light to go out. She suspected her husband was cheating on her. It seemed that about two minutes after the woman left she snuck inside and began searching the office. In a trashcan she found a photocopies picture of a woman's ass and a pair of hands groping the cheeks. And right there on one of the fingers was her husband's ring.

She called him up immediately and told him to meet her at the office. She had his key so the door was open. He hurried over suspecting nothing and as soon as he walked through the doors she took a pair of scissors and stabbed him in the throat.

One Way Subway

A man was riding on a subway one night. He was the only one on the car except for two women across from him who had been making out since he got on, a pretty blond sitting in the other's lap and kissing her ardently. The other he could not see well. Even her hands hiding by the other woman's body. Then about two stops from where he was getting off the one on the lap said, "Sorry baby, got to go." She quickly turned and hurried off the train just before the doors closed.

As it started forward the man got his first real glimpse of the other woman. She sat demurely with her hands in her lap and her head down. On her head was a scarf and she wore a sort of gypsy dress.

"So I guess that was your girlfriend?" She did not respond. He could not blame her. If his wife had made out like that on the subway he would have been a little embarrassed too.

Hi stop came up and he got off, leaving the woman behind. He did not give either of them much thought until the next morning when he turned on the television and saw a picture of the second woman, still in her seat on the bus. The news anchor was saying, "—found murdered on the subway last night. Anyone with any information is urged to contact the authorities."

That's how I heard it anyway. And if that he didn't call the police, then he shoulda.

Locker 13

Amy's family moved to a new town just as she was entering her freshman year. She started school a week later and it seemed like she was going to have a long boring year until she arrived at PE class and saw a girl leaving. She was just closing a locker and then turned and walked away by a different door. She was beautiful and Amy felt her heart flutter.

Amy did not see the girl again for some weeks. She asked someone who had the girl's locker, number thirteen, but nobody in her class knew. So instead she wrote the girl a letter saying that she found her very pretty and included her picture. She left her cell number and email and even her locker incase the girl wanted to turn her down the same way. No harm, no foul.

To her surprise the next day she found a letter. It said that he girl was flattered and a little surprised, but was not opposed to the idea. She asked Amy to meet her in the locker room after school. It was unsigned. Amy was only too happy to meet her and learn her name, at least at first. Only during lunch a girl came up to her and said, "Were you the girl asking about locker thirteen?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You need to stay away from it."

"What? Why?"

She lowered her voice. "You don't know? God they never tell kids anything. Look, for like ten years every person who was assigned that locker number has just disappeared. At least one a year."

"Yeah right," Amy said dismissively.

"Seriously. They haven't even assigned that locker to anyone in fifteen years."

"That's not true, I saw a girl opening the locker just the other day. I'm going to meet her today."

The older girl stepped back and raised her hands. "Fine, don't believe me."

That afternoon Amy called her parents and told them she was meeting a friend after school.

It was the last time anyone saw her. Amy never came home that night. Her parents called the police. They traced her cell phone. When they found it, it was in the locker room. More specifically it was in locker number thirteen. In her locker they found only her gym clothes and the unsigned letter.

That's how I heard it anyway. And if that ain't how it happened, then it shoulda.

Love Charm

A recently divorced woman was thinking of getting back into the dating pool. In fact she had been fantasizing about it for a lot longer than she had been divorced. Not least of all because her own daughter, who had just gone off to college, had come out to her right before that and had brought home a young lady who had been extremely attractive. In her generation dating another woman was at best a joke and at worst a perverted deviance. The thought had never entered her mind. Ever since meeting her daughter's girlfriend thought he thought of dating a woman, actually a younger woman in particular, had been plaguing her night and day. Only she was too nervous to actually go through with it so far.

She was out buying some D batteries one day when she saw a capsule machine in the store entryway. The kind that had little toys inside or bits of candy In one between the sticky hands and some bubblegum was a sign that said "Love Charms: Get the woman of your dreams today! Just $.75." She dug three quarters out of her purse and bought it. Inside was a cheap plastic heart on a string.

"What did I expect for seventy-five cents?" Absently she put it on. Then she promptly forgot about it until she got to the register to buy her batteries. When she did she saw that the lady behind it was young and pretty. Their eyes met and to her surprise the girl stared at her like she was the most beautiful thing in the world.

"Ma'am, I don't want to be too forward," the counter girl said. "But would you please go out with me? Please?"

Surprised the older woman said, "Certainly."

Six months later the woman's daughter came home from college. She opened the front door with her key and then stopped, staring in shock. Her mother was laid out on the couch wearing only a lilac negligee. Around her sat a dozen girls about the daughter's age all wearing risqué lingerie of their own. One was fanning her, another was feeding her grapes, and a third was rubbing her shoulders. The others were just sitting there staring at her adoringly. On her mother's neck was a cheap plastic heart on a string.

That's how I heard it anyway. And if that ain't how it happened, then it shoulda.

Funeral

A girl came out to her family and they were not happy about it. They went through counseling and psychiatrists. Some agreed with her parents and tried to convince her that it was a phase. Others agreed with her that there was nothing wrong with it and that they needed to accept her for who and what she was. The second group tended to be let go rather more quickly than the first.

Finally though when she brought home a girlfriend for real her parents had enough and said that if she was going to continue with this "lesbian" thing of hers she would have to do it elsewhere. The girl had an uncle in a far away city and she called him and he had no problem with her moving in with him and even bringing her girlfriend with her. They left and her parents did not even come to say goodbye.

A year later the uncle called and told them that their daughter had been in a car accident. He was holding a funeral and they were invited, if they cared to come. The parents were shocked and heartbroken. They had secretly thought their daughter would grow out of her phase, just like the psychiatrists said, and come crawling back after experimenting. Now she was dead and they would never see her again.

They flew in for the funeral which was being held at the mortuary. It was sparse. The girlfriend was there as was the uncle and a few of their friends, but that was maybe a dozen people including the priest. She had been so popular back home. The parents went to the coffin where the girl lay in her coffin.

Her mother said, "She looks so peaceful. God, I can't believe this is happening. We never should have sent her away."

Her father nodded, tears in his eyes. "If I could speak to her one more time I'd take it all back. I'd sooner see her at her wedding to another woman than here in this coffin."

Then to both her parents shock the girl in the coffin sat up and turned to face them, a large smile on her face. She winked and said, "Gee whiz, if you felt that way why didn't you say so sooner? It would have saved a fortune. You spent maybe three thousand dollars and two years on quack shrinks. All this cost me was a hundred dollars for the room for an hour and slipping the mortician fifty bucks to rent the display coffin."

The Mermaid

One day a girl vanished. The night before she and her mother and father had gone to a carnival where she won a goldfish, small with a white spot on its side. Her parents were frantic. Then about a month later she reappeared. In Australia. She refused to tell the police where she had been or how she had gotten all the way across the world without a passport. In the end they returned her home.

After a few days her parents finally got her to tell them what had happened. The girl said that she decided to let the fish go and took it to the fountain in a park not too far from their home. She then let it go and watched it swim away. Only just then a larger shape, one much too big to have been hiding in the little fountain appeared and swam up to her. A long tail scaled and purple ending in a split tail like a Siamese fighting fish rose up and then the torso of a woman with a beautiful face, long purple hair, and webbed fingers appeared.

"That was very kind of you to return the fish to the water. As a reward would you like to come live with me in my magical castle?"

Naturally the girl, both charmed by the mermaid's beauty and of the mind that going to live in a magical castle was the best thing ever, said yes. She told her parents all about it and how the food was great and how she could breathe under water, and how the whole place was full of servants who did everything she could want and how she and the mermaid were deeply in love and kissed and went on adventures under the seas.

"I've seen so many things. A bubble city where dragons live, an island with giant birds and diamonds and rubies all over the place, and I got to ride on a sea turtle and swim under a special cave in Niagara Falls. But I knew you would be missing me and I asked her for a week to let you know what had happened, so you wouldn't worry."

"A week?" Her mother said.

The girl nodded. "Uh huh. I have to go back in a few days."

"Don't be ridiculous." They tried to tell her she was imagining it and that she needed to go to school. The girl just smiled and hugged them and told them she loved them.

On the day she was supposed to leave the girl told her parents she had to leave. Aside from her clothes she had nothing on her. Not what you would expect from someone who was planning to run away or something. When she said she was going to the park her parents decided to play along rather than try to keep her inside and said she could go. but as soon as she walked away they followed behind.

When they got to the park the girl went straight for the fountain. They watched and waited as she walked around it. Only as she passed behind the water she did not come back out. Scared they ran forward to look fro her. There was nowhere she could have gone. No close trees or anything.

But when they reached the fountain they arrive just as a beautiful woman with webbed fingers grabs their daughter and pulls her into the fountain. They scream and rush to get her back, but when they get there the water is still only about four inches deep and the only think in it is a tiny goldfish with a white spot on its side.

Lava Rock

It's a well known fact that the lava rocks of Hawaii are cursed. Horrible things happen to the people who sneak them off the island and thousands are returned every year with letters of apology.

I knew a lesbian couple who went to the island to get married, back in the days when Hawaii was one of the few states that recognized such unions. One of them ignored the rule and brought home a chunk of stone. Porous and red-brown with tiny yellow-green crystals all over it. About a week later she died in a car wreck. And even though she was horrified and broken by the loss, her wife gathered up the lava rock and mailed it back to the island it had come from.

Not much of a story I'll admit, but you can always try it yourself and see if I'm lying.

The Lost Teacher

Just because being a lesbian doesn't make you a bad person doesn't mean all of them are automatically good. There is a story that some of the locals are witches or demons or worse and some little evidence to say its true. You see every year at the local Pride Parade there are not just supporters, but also protestors. People who walk behind the parade carrying signs and shouting how all gays are going to hell.

But the thing is every year there are fewer and fewer. Sometimes they even have to hire guys off the street to hold the signs. It could be because they realize that such protests have little if any effect. Perhaps they just have better things to do with their time.

Yet there is a rumor. They say that every year a number of them start out, but when the parade ends, there is always one missing.

Just a few years back there was a story of a local teacher. She was the nasty type who made left handed kids write with their right hand, who embarrassed anyone who had a potty accident, and so on. Her pet peeve was when the young kids would kiss. Even thought hey were far too young to worry about that sort of thing. Worst of all was one year when she caught two girls smooching in the jungle gym. The other students said she went into a rage and even spanked the girls.

She got in trouble for that and even suspended. One of the girls was… well she had two mommies if you get my meaning. And her kissing partner's parents were a little off put but supportive. After all they were young and either their daughter would keep kissing girls or grow out of it. Either way they wanted to be supportive. And they were so appalled by how upset their daughter was over what the teacher had done, how could they say a word against it? So that year the mothers of the one girl invited them and their daughter to the parade they naturally went.

They arrived early and checked out the set up. They saw the floats and the costumes. Cartoon characters and famous characters from books. Musicians and a few actual celebrities. And to their revulsion the protestors handing out fliers and waving their signs, waiting to follow behind. Naturally all six of them and the one girl's older brother recognized the teacher, right there with the other protestors. She was too far away to see them, but there was a group of leather clad women in occult jewelry and witch's hats. The protestors seemed to be shouting at them, the teacher in particular, and they watched as one lady pointed at her and shouted back, loudly in a foreign accent.

Nothing seemed to happen. The families moved off up the road and waited as the parade started. It was a lot of fun. They bought the kids balloons and rainbow bracelets. People came up and gave them hugs and everyone cheered and danced as the musical floats came past blasting their music.

Then came the protestors and most people left to go to the actual festival where there were stands and shows and things to do. The two families clearly saw the teacher and laughed because there had been horses earlier and she stepped in a big pile of poop.

And then, as they watched, she was just gone. None of the other protestors seemed to notice. There was no sign of her or even her sign. Nowhere could she have gone. They peered around for a moment, but when they saw no clue as to where she had snuck off to they decided they must have missed something and went on to the festival.

Sure enough when they went back to school the girls quickly reported that their teacher was absent and a substitute had to be called in. Not only that but a short time later the cops came by, having heard their families had a problem with her before. She was missing and nobody knew where she had gone.

The parents of the other girl called the two mothers and asked if they had heard. They were not surprised and one said, "Oh that happens every year. Those nasty bigots badmouths the witches and next thing you know one of them turns up missing."

That's how I heard it anyway.

The Cats' Dinner

It is a long held stereotype that lesbians like cats or sometimes dogs. That they sometimes see them as surrogate children. Now I won't say every lesbian is like that but Ester and Colleen certainly were. They were over fifty and had about twelve cats at any given time and sometimes more when it was the time for one or two to have kittens. The neighbors had complained but they kept them inside and the house was clean so there was not a lot they could do about it.

One day Colleen had to go out of town on business and would not be back for a week. Ester was not happy about being left alone and the first night Colleen tried to call her, but got no answer. She tried again and again, but Ester was being stubborn. Finally on the fifth night she decided to cut her trip short, thinking that it might make up a little for leaving. She hopped on a plane and got home as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately she was far, far too late.

While she was gone Ester had in fact had a heart attack. Alone in the house she had fallen down and just died. There was nothing Colleen could have done even if she was there. But worse, the cats' food was locked up in a cupboard, where they could not get to it. And after a few days in the way of cats they made the logical choice. Because there was one thing locked in the house with them that they could eat.

It's best not to tell you the sight that greeted Colleen when she arrived home that day. If I did I fear you might be driven mad as she was. Her mind broke that day and they say she spent her remaining days sobbing in an asylum. Meanwhile the cats were taken away to an animal shelter. It turned out one of them had kittens while Colleen was away, right there up against Ester's body. It took forever to find homes for them all.

You didn't by any chance adopt a cat a while back, did you?

When I'm All Grown Up

One day a girl named Jamie began babysitting for her neighbor. They had a daughter named Casey. Because Jamie was fourteen and Casey was eight the younger girl looked up to her devoutly and while Casey was cute Jamie of course gave her little thought. She was a good babysitter who played games and made sure she got plenty to eat and even told her a bit about life in high school.

Casey one day told Jamie, "I really like you. When I am all grown up I want to marry you."

Jamie laughed and said, "That's fine." They spent the afternoon talking about their pretend wedding.

When Jamie was sixteen Casey's parents decided she was old enough that she no longer needed a babysitter and stopped hiring Jamie. Jamie was cool with this and started working a real part time job. Casey was heart broken and cried a lot when they told her, but that was that.

Some years later after she had graduated college and was working as a teller in a bank Jamie came home one evening, tired and a little lonely. She had not been on a date since school and even then her boyfriend had been kind of a jerk. Now with work she did not have the time. She was in the management training course and the chances of her meeting a nice guy any time soon were nil.

She had just sat down when there was a knock on the door. Groaning she got up and went to answer it. To her surprise standing on the doorstep wearing a red dress and carrying a bouquet of flowers was a pretty young woman of about eighteen. She smiled at Jamie and said, "I'm all grown up now Jamie."

Her Own Voice

Annabelle one day was cleaning her room when she found a digital tape player on top of her book case. A small thing covered in a small layer of dust. The batteries were dead, but she found some in her desk and saw that there was something recorded all the way to the end of the tape. Curious since she remembered the day her parents had bought the book case, but had no idea how the recorder could have gotten there, she rewound it and hit play.

"I'm recording this because I think someone's been following me. Last week I came out to my parents and told them I had been seeing Cathy. They took it better than I thought. At least nobody yelled. I guess maybe they already suspected. They got a little stoned face and haven't mentioned it since. Not to me anyway. But about three days ago I came home and they had some people over. They wore suits and were kind of old. Like doctors or something. I thought maybe they were counselors and we'd finally talk, but dad told me he was busy and to go to my room.

"I got really creeped out the way those two were watching me. They did not say anything but the way they looked at me made me feel like I was the topic of discussion. Like when I'd get in trouble at school and they insisted on talking to the teacher until they were ready to call me in and yell at me.

"The thing is I've seen those two around a lot since them. My mom and dad say I'm imagining things, but it's not just me. Some guys who sound like them came and talked to Cathy and asked her parents a lot of questions…"

There was a pause and Annabelle shut off the tape player, eyes wide. That was her voice. Only she did not remember saying it let alone recording it. She hit play again.

"Cathy disappeared today. Her mother called the house. I know because my mom answered and yelled at her. I was curious who it was and she snapped at me that it was nothing and to go upstairs. When she left the room though I snuck in and hit star-sixty-nine. Cathy's mom answered the phone. It sounded like she had been crying. I hung up and hurried out of the room before my mom caught me."

"I went to Cathy's house. Now her mother is gone too. The lights were on and the car was in the garage. I waited until after dark. Nobody came back."

Annabelle frowned. Who was Cathy? She had never been into girls and knew nobody by that name. She did not even hate gays. It was just something she never really thought about. Like penguins in Australia.

The recording started again. There was a pounding of someone banging on a door. "God I hope they don't find this up here…" Annabelle's voice moved a little further away and then the door broke. "Mom? Dad? What are you doing? What are you doing with these guys? I told you they were following me."

"It's for your own good sweetie," her dad's voice said.

Her mother was next, "These men are doctors. They've been gathering information to help you be normal."

Horrified Annabelle's voice said, "Normal? Wait… what did you do to Cathy? And her mother?"

An unfamiliar voice said, "We needed to remove inappropriate influences from your life. Don't worry, they'll be fine and you won't even miss them."

"When the treatment is complete they won't even be part of your life. Don't worry; we've done this hundreds of times. You'll be normal and happy and your parents will have a nice perfect daughter. You won't even remember you were anything else. Won't that be lovely?"

There was the sound of a scuffle and some screaming. The voices faded as they moved away from the recorder. Now only her mother and one of the men remained.

"You're sure she won't remember any of this? Or that dyke girlfriend of hers?" The venom in her voice was scary. "She's been very… attached."

"Don't worry. Our clinic has been in business a long time and we're very good at making sure there are no residual memories. If we weren't extremely thorough the government would have shut us down long ago. So many people just don't understand that we're correcting a mistake of nature here. When we're done your daughter will be a normal girl with a healthy normal sex drive and healthy normal attachments to you and your husband and boyfriend. She won't remember us, the treatment, or this Cathy girl she claims to love in this unnatural way. Likewise the girl and her family will not remember any of you. Trust me." The sound of Annabelle's bedroom door closing and footsteps moving down the hallway was the last thing on the recording.

Annabelle numbly fast forwarded, but while the tape had been recording, there was nothing on it. Apparently it had just gone on until the tape ran out and the battery died.

That's how I heard it anyway. But surely that's just a story. There's no such thing as mind control and brain washing like that… right?

Tooth Fairy

Two women lived together for a very long time. Angela and Ruth. Angela had a habit of grinding her teeth. Teeth that had been partially fixed with silver and gold making the noise even louder. Ruth heard it every night and after years and years it was driving her crazy. Ruth was a dentist. One night she just could not take it any more and she snapped. She loved Angela, but something needed to be done.

The next morning Angela woke up and found her mouth numb. Shrugging it off and feeling a bit out of it she went to the bathroom, took a shower, and then went to the sink to brush her teeth. She absently wiped away the condensation on the glass.

Meanwhile out in the bedroom Ruth smiled as she heard Angela's shriek of horror and absently lifted up her lover's pillow where thirty-two teeth complete with roots lay on the mattress.

Tongue Taker

There was once a private girl's school somewhere near here. In it were these four mean girls. Ronnie, Francine, Gail, and Judy. One of their favorite tricks to play on their fellow students was to place a sign on the door of one of the bathroom stalls that said, "If you want to kiss a girl pucker up and come on in." Then one of them would take a picture or video of the girl. Rumor has it they got away with it because they also caught a few faculty members the same way. They blackmailed a lot of girls that way and the ones they could not blackmail they humiliated by printing up pictures of them and taping them up all over school, often with Lezzy or Dyke written across the pictures in lipstick.

This was a few years back when people still gave a damn or were genuinely surprised to find out some girls wanted to sleep with other girls. Especially those who were pretty or teenagers. It was a big deal back then and something someone could be publicly expelled for among other things. Heck for exposing them some of the girls were practically considered heroes by some.

In private of course it was another story. Those who kept their secrets were completely cowed after seeing what happened to the ones they exposed. Money, gifts, personal favors. The four girls practically ran the school. Their leader Ronnie even demanded sexual favors. She was not even gay, but she did enjoy making women service her and humiliate themselves. For her it was all about power.

It seems almost inevitable that they would eventually pick the wrong woman to intimidate or push somebody just too far. Young women mad with power.

One day one of their victims was found dead in her room. It was a clear case of suicide. Nobody ever doubted it. As for the reason behind it, she left a diary and a letter, explaining what the girls had done to her. The cops could have done something, but they did not even file blackmail charges and the girl's parents did not pursue it either. It seemed the girl was correct in thinking they would not understand.

Part of the letters though included a caveat. The dead girl had prayed to god, over and over, for revenge. That He would send an angel to exact vengeance against those who had wronged her, exposing her secret and driving her to despair.

And sure enough a few weeks after her death the girls died. One after another they were found dead. Their throats ripped out, their vocal chords and tongues ripped bodily from them while they were still alive. Silencing them forever. Impossibly all the evidence says it was done without tools. Just the attacker's bare fingers in one swift movement.

It did not end there either. It had happened again and again over the last few decades. You probably never heard about it, because the police tend to keep details of killings like these secret. But as the years turned into decades and these murders, all apparently committed by the same person in the same way keep happening it is becoming harder and harder for them to keep claiming it is the work of some serial killer.

There are rules. The killer only comes for those who got away with it. Who are not sorry for that they did. Who outed someone unwillingly who suffers from the results.

There are a lot of theories. Some that it is just a killer or group of killers. That there may be ways to contact them and they will do it. Others say the girl's prayer was answered, but not by god, but instead by the devil. That the prince of darkness sends a demon or comes himself to claim their souls and leave their bodies behind as a warning.

Most though believe God answered that first girl's prayers and sent an angel. Doma the Silent One. Uriel the archangel who killed the firstborn of Egypt during the plagues of Moses. The ones who wiped out Sodom or turned Lots' wife into salt. Sent by their Lord to punish those who transgressed against their fellows and ruined their lives, but skated on any mortal punishment.

The only way to stop it, so they say, is for the one who outed somebody for their own petty reasons to admit they were wrong and beg forgiveness with an honest heart.

That's how I heard it anyway. And if that ain't how it happened, then it shoulda.

Lena McCoy

There once was a girl named Lena McCoy,

And the last thing she'd ever do is kiss with a boy.

Girls were her thing and day after day,

She'd take one or another for a roll in the hay.

Well the devil heard about this and he came to see,

Said Satan, "No way is some girl a better lover than me."

He found her sitting by the crick, and said, "I challenge you and your boobs with my mighty prick."

Lena looked the devil in the eye and told him, "I might be afraid if you were not a guy."

There was a widow woman by the name of Annie May,

They decided she would be the goal for which they'd play.

That old devil showed up with flowers in his hand,

Chocolates, diamonds, and the body of a manly man.

He wined her and dined her and expected to get lucky that very night.

But when he arrived he was treated to an awful sight.

There was Lena on Annie's lap,

A kissing and hugging and groping that ass they would tap,

And when she saw the devil looking she flipped off the sap.

As Annie buried her face in Lena's ample bust,

It was evident she was succumbing to forbidden lust.

The devil watched dumbfounded as Lena had her way,

It was obvious that Annie was now fully gay.

When Lena left to stumble home,

The devil decided to follow along.

"How did you do it?" He asked. "What is the trick?

"I'm handsome and powerful and I have a dick."

She smiled and told him, "That's what women want and I won't deny it.

"Or so I have heard. Personally I've never tried it.

"But as woman knows women the way you never can.

"And sometimes they need things they can't get from a man."

The devil bowed out,

He knew he'd been beat.

From the tip of his horns to his furred cloven feet.

"What do you want name it and it's yours."

"Nothing you've got. I'm fine as I am. Nothing I want can come from a man.

"Love and romance and bath towels that say 'Hers' and 'Hers'."

A Woman Named Gay

There was once a woman named Gay who was scheduled to take a trip wither husband on a ferry. They bought their tickets ahead of time and had assigned seats. Unfortunately the dock was fairly crowded that day and they got separated. Not a big deal, they would just meet up at their seats but Gay got confused. She was unable to find her seat and the chip started moving so she decided to just find her husband when they got off, taking the first empty seat.

Eventually one of the ferry staff who had been asked by her husband to help find his wife came up and asked her, "Excuse me, but are you Gay?"

"Yes," she said, surprised. "How did you know?"

"If you'll please come with me. We're about to hit shore and you can disembark…"

As she started to get up a woman sitting next to her reached out and grabbed her arm. Gay turned and the woman said, "Don't worry sweetie. I'm gay too. We're all on our way to a convention." She glared up at the staff member. "They can't kick us all off." And the thirty people sitting around her all cheered their support.

Not Yet

A handsome young man was driving home one night when he saw a beautiful and extremely busty young lady about his age trying to change a tire. He got out and helped her. When she asked if she could do anything to pay him back he asked if she would go out on a date with him. She was a little uncertain but he had been so nice she said yes. But since they did not know each other that well to be safe she would meet him at his house rather than invite a stranger to hers.

On the night of their date the boy got all dressed up and waited patiently in his room. His mother meanwhile was having dinner downstairs by herself and promised to tell him when his date arrived. Now the girl showed up right on time and came to the door, knocking softly. The mother got up and answered the door and when she did she was dumbstruck by just how beautiful the young woman was. The girl could see that and despite herself she smiled and blushed a bit at the way the older woman was eyeballing her. The mother saw this and half smiling half surprised at herself she held out her hand and took the girl's hand, leading her inside.

From up the stairs the boy opened the door. "Mom, I heard a car pull up. Is my date here?"

"Not yet," his mother called and his date covered her mouth to keep from laughing.

"Okay."

A little while lady the mother had gotten out some snack and the two women were sitting on the couch just holding hands and feeding each other when the door opened again. "Mom is she here?"

"Not yet!" She called back and then leaned in for a kiss while upstairs the door closed. The girl happily kissed her back and leaned back on the arm rest as the mother kissed her.

They were still necking when the boy called down again. "Any sign of her?"

"I'm sure she'll be here soon son, but she's not here yet."

When the boy called down again he got no answer. He came downstairs and found the house empty. So he called him mom up on her cell phone. "Where did you go off to?"

"Well since you had plans I thought I'd go out myself. I don't suppose your girl showed up?"

"Not yet." He replied. In the background he heard another woman giggle. Oh well. So he got stood up. At least his mother was having fun.

That's how I heard it anyway. And if that ain't how it happened, then it shoulda.

The Death Letter

Not every gay girl has an easy time finding a girlfriend. In the old days you had to keep quiet for fear of lynching, beatings, and who knows what else. Harassment to be sure. Clubs for such people existed and were occasionally raided by the police. The women inside arrested. So they had to be quiet.

One day a young woman making inquiries was given the information on a gay club in her area, but was warned by the woman who told her not to let the information slip out. Then she was given a letter and told to present it at the door. By way of introduction.

The girl went to the address she was told and had only just pulled up when just such a raid went down. Shocked she watched as the door to the house was broken down and police ran in. But instead of coming out with a bunch of women, possibly in drag, they pulled out three ugly men. One of whom wore a butcher's apron stained with dried blood and the woman she had met who gave her the letter. Curious she rolled down the window of her car and asked a passing policeman. "What happened?"

"Well ma'am, it seems these fellas are murderers. Seems they had that lady inviting women out here like it was some secret club. I think they were all Sapphic or something. We don't cotton to that in this town, but worse when the women showed up they would bring 'em inside and down to the basement and then they'd kill them. Apparently they're really anti-gay. Can't have people getting murdered even if they are perverts."

Face drained the woman watched as the cops left and then picked up her introduction letter. Inside it just said, Treat this one just like the others.

In another story involving a deadly letter there was a city a few years back and in it they did have a gay club. Might have been new York, or San Francisco, or LA or some other large city. Nobody is really sure because the details were kept quiet by the police and the people involved. Only it was not kept quite so secret. Someone decided to out every member of the club and began writing letters, sending them to the patrons' friends and family and places of work. The story goes that on being outed out of more than five hundred people a hundred and ninety eight of them committed suicide. That they know of and could connect to it anyway.

Nobody ever traced the guy or girl who sent the letter. Technically that person is a serial killer, whether that was their intention or not. Possibly the most prolific uncaught killer of all time. Of course that was a long time ago and by now the bastard is probably burning in hell.

Make Out Rock

There is a large rock on a hill near here. A lot of couples go out there for the romantic view and the isolation. But you should probably save it for a later date. They say that if a girl loses her virginity to a boy on it she will become sickened by the touch of men and is never able to have sex with another male ever again. The story dates back to even the local Native American tribe from the area. One man tried to warn the early settlers about it, having lost a squaw of his own to the rock's queer effect when he was a lad.

Of course there are tales that it does not always work on everyone, but others say the girls who claim to be immune… well they weren't the most innocent of young ladies and whether they were virgins when they went up to the rock is debatable.

That's how I heard it anyway. And if that ain't how it happened, then it shoulda.

Candy

Nobody knows who she is exactly, but like the steel monoliths, the lawn gnomes, and Killroy, some woman named Candy is very well traveled. Her name has appeared in many ladies rooms all across the globe. The exact phrase is "For a Good Time Call Candy" followed by a phone number written or scratched into the stall walls of lady's restrooms. Sometimes the number works and sometimes it doesn't.

Oddly the times it worked the women all described a gorgeous blond who wears a bubblegum-pink dress and matching lipstick who is fantastic in bed. Often they wonder if she is a hooker, but she never asks for money. The thing is the story has been going around for nearly fifty years now and everyone, even those who have been wither recently, says she is only in her mid twenties at the most. She may be the goddess Candi.

That's how I heard it anyway. If you get the chance call the number and find out.

Mind the Gap

There's a train station near here where they say a girl who was outed as a lesbian killed herself because her girlfriend cheated on her. Sometimes people report that they see her looking up at them from the gap between the train and the platform, crying. But when they try to help she just disappears. At least most of the time. The story goes that sometimes if a woman who is cheating on her girlfriend tries to board the train the ghost will reach out and grab her leg, holding her in place until the doors close and the train takes off, injuring and often killing the woman in question and some say dragging her soul to hell. So far it has happened to twelve women and counting.

The Grunch

Out in the Louisiana bayou Grunch Road is an old dirt path where teenagers go to do those things teenagers do. But it's also the home to some half human monsters called the Grunch who like to eat people. Supposedly the result of years of isolation and inbreeding. And the thing the Grunch love to eat is human flesh.

These two girls were out on Grunch Road making out when they saw an injured goat limping nearby. Heart going out to it one of the girls got out and went to see if she could help. That's when a pack of deformed horrors jumped out of the bushes and while her girlfriend watched stabbed her and roped her, and hung her from a tree. They extended their tongues and drank her blood. Then they turned to the car.

The girl immediately climbed into the front seat and drove off. But when she brought the police there was no sign of her dead girlfriend let alone the Grunch themselves.

Spreading More Than Legs

There's a tale going round that out there is a woman with an STD who delights in spreading it as often as possible. Sort of like marking her territory. Some say she just has one of the non-deadly viruses and others that she has a terminal diagnosis and wants to take as many women with her as possible either because she is bitter or because she is a straight homophobe who sees it as a form of vigilantism. The story goes that she frequents bars and hotels and tries to pick up men and women who she then of course has sex with specifically to give them the virus be it the clap, HIV, anal warts, or whatever. Afterwards she sometimes scrawls a message on the wall or mirror, letting her victim know what she did. She gets angry and even violent if her partners try to use safe sex supplies and do not let her talk them out of it. Not that it's a big problem with women since most pharmacies rarely have any specifically lesbian based safe sex supplies like oral dams.

This story has been going around so long that it either had to be made up, there is more than one woman who is using her vagina to kill people, or her ghost is still out there fucking women and spreading the disease. Iffn' you trace stories like this back far enough you can find legends about deadly vaginas going back to prehistory, though in the old days it usually involves pussies with teeth and evil curses. They did not know about viruses and bacteria back then after all, so goblins and witches got the blame for anything a sailor picked up in foreign parts that caused his dick to start oozing green.

Some people give the woman the benefit of the doubt and say she was just promiscuous and stupid and did not know she had an STD or that girls could even get them from each other. The subject never came up when her parents explained sex or in her sexual education class. Since no men were involved she thought she was safe. Some people even like to blame homosexuals and drug users for the spread of just about every STD out there, because god knows straight people aren't out there banging everything in sight.

That's how I heard it anyway. And if true or not you should still get tested and practice safe sex.

Lesbian Tanning Bed Death

About three years ago a couple of women went to a tanning bed salon to get rid of their tan lines. While they were alone they got a little frisky and one snuck into the other's bed for a little fun time. When they came it was a lot and the bed was not exactly 100% water proof. There may have been some peeing involved too. Out in the entryway the man running the salon noticed the lights flicker and go out, so he went back to check on them.

He found the two women deep fried by the charge on top of one another. One version has him opening the lid and having a bit of trouble until it came up. At first he did not know what was wrong until one of the bodies cooked in place fell out of the lid and onto her girlfriend.

In other versions only one of the girls actually died, leaving the other trapped inside the bed with the still twitching corpse screaming her head off until someone came and let her out.

Pregnant Via Potty

One day a lesbian felt a bit odd and went to the doctor's office. To her shock she is told that she is pregnant. She explains that's impossible because she lives alone and only has sex with other women. Well she retraces her steps and it eventually comes to light that she went to the movie theater and before the show used the restroom. The doctor theorizes that, barring a star appearing in the East, possibly some guy jacked off into the toilet and left a bit of semen on the seat and when she sat on it, a bit got into her.

Other versions of this story indicate catching sexually transmitted diseases from a toilet seat or it turning out that the woman's girlfriend was sleeping with a guy and not telling her. Going straight from one to another she had a bit of a sloppy-seconds situation and since her girlfriend was gay and not expecting to come into contact with semen in any event, was not on birth control. So technically her girlfriend got her pregnant. In yet another version a man gets shot in the balls and the bullet continues into a young woman behind him dropping semen into her womb.

Stuck In You

A woman who has not had sex in a while is set up on a blind date. Fearing that she is going to be a little too ready to go and might do something stupid, she decides to work out some of her sexual frustrations herself. So she goes to the pharmacy and buys herself a vibrating ring. While using it however she takes it off and applies it to her clitoris and in the process accidentally slips it inside herself. She tries to get it out but the thing slides inside her too deep for her fingers and since it is still working she cannot exactly focus.

When the batteries finally die she tried again to remove it, but can't. Finally she goes to the local hospital and embarrassed she explains what happened. A nice lady doctor, who does her best not to laugh, takes her into a side room and after a little work manages to remove the toy. The embarrassed woman thanks her profusely and pays the bill then and there, before slinking off back home.

Finally she gets gussied up for her date and meets the woman she's supposed to be seeing at the agreed upon restaurant. She sits down and makes eye contact at which point she realizes the woman across the table from her is the same doctor she went to earlier in the day.

Blind Love

A woman was in a committed relationship with a blind girl. The two hit it off great and often spent time just hanging around one another's houses. It got to the point where she did not even put on clothes, simply staying naked around her house while they ate, watched movies, and enjoyed each other's company until her girlfriend was ready for sex. Of course she never told the girl that she was doing that. It titillated her to no end for her girlfriend to be clueless about the naked girl a few feet away from her.

One day she was waiting excitedly for her girlfriend to arrive. Her girlfriend had promised a surprise for their one year anniversary and when she heard that she imagined all the great possibilities. So when there was a knock at the door she rushed up and, because she was not stupid, cautiously called through the door, "Who is it?"

"It's me," her girlfriend called back. "I got that surprise I promised you." Smiling the girl flung open the door, standing there nude and her whole body showing undisguised lust. Her girlfriend continued, "We've been together for a while now and I thought you'd like to meet my parents."

The Test

Blonds have a reputation for being a bit na?ve. There are entire genres of jokes based on it. In one story a lesbian in a bar saw a blond woman with huge breasts sitting a little way away. She got up, went over to her, and asked, "Can I buy you a drink?"

The blond blushed and said, "I'm sorry, I'm not a lesbian."

Then she said, "Are you sure you are?"

The lesbian started to get angry, preparing to say how offensive that question was, but then she paused.

Finally she said, "Maybe you're right. I should do the test."

"What test?" The blond asked.

"The gay test. You see what I do is put my face between a woman's breasts for five minutes. If I like it I'm gay. If I don't I'm straight. Would you help me? I'll make it up to you by helping you take it too, so you can be sure you are straight."

"Sure," the blond said. "That seems fair."

The lesbian immediately bent forward and put her face between the blonde's breasts and reached around to grab her butt. She shook her head, motor boated her, nibbled, and licked. The blond was blushing and getting really turned on, her breath coming in sharp pants. The lesbian pushed her back across the bar and started grinding against the blond, face still buried in her large breasts as they both began to orgasm multiple times.

Nearby another woman stared at them in shock and said, "What the hell are you doing?"

The blond looked at her, gasping for breath and said, "Sh! She's taking a test!"

They are getting married this May.

That's how I heard it anyway.

Wrong Number

The story goes that in Russia there was a talk show that invited on one of their few openly lesbian celebrities. When she arrived at the studio there were so many protestors that she got smuggled in the back and even then a few were there waiting for her and had to be held back. Finally she gets on the show and the host asks her, "With all of the anti-gay feelings in Russia, how does a woman like you find a date?"

She turns and smiles at the camera and says, "Actually I was hoping you could help me with that." She gives a detailed description of the kind of woman she wants and then states her number. "If you think you'd like to go out, you should call me."

The host is shocked and says, "Aren't you afraid of being harassed?"

She smiles and says "Not at all."

It turns out that a lot of people did call her. Some for dates and many to badmouth and yell at her. Fortunately she had in fact not given out her real number, but instead that of the lead protestor from outside the studio which she had somehow gotten.

Last Resort

A lesbian couple goes out of town to a small resort. While there they learn that the management provides pornography if asked and they decide to get some. One of the women asks, "Do you have any girl on girl action?"

He manager says, "Not much and what we do have is being rented by other patrons. I am working on getting some more in."

So not being that picky they take one of the tapes he does have. Its pretty amateurish and badly filmed, so they begin fooling around with each other instead.

Well they have a wonderful weekend and with many fine memories. In fact ten years later they return to the same resort and ask if they still rent porn to the guests. The manager says yes and again they ask for girl on girl action. This time the manager says, "Oh yes we have a wide selection." They choose one and take it to their room.

They plug it in and see it's another badly made film and shows two women in a hotel room just going at it like crazy. Still it gets them going until they realize they recognize the couple. It's them from their last stay at the resort.

In another version it is a straight couple who visits the resort after their daughter, who just went on vacation, recommends it. They find out about the porn and decide not to mention it to their daughter until they see the tape they are given, which involves their daughter and another woman learning simultaneously that she (and presumably they) has been video taped secretly and that she is gay. In others the straight couple is young and childless, but the wife is the one appearing in the tape with another woman, often after she is married and in part of it she tells the woman how much better a lover is than her husband. In some versions the porn is legitimate and professionally made rather than the illegal type and often the couple get really into the movie and have sex before they recognize the star, possibly on watching it the second or third time.

Wish You Were Her

A man's sister came out to the family and he was extremely rude and abusive to her leading to her running out of the room in tears. He is quite satisfied with himself and goes out to the bar to tell his friends how he "put that dyke sister of mine in her place". They congratulate him. When he gets home he finds his wife is out so he crawls into bed and goes to sleep.

Several days later he is getting worried. His wife has not turned up. He's gone to the cops and put out a missing person's report, but nothing. After that his bank calls and explains his credit cards are no good because the account has been cleared out. Now he thinks she has been kidnapped. Then he checks his mail and finds a postcard. It shows a hotel in Rio. On the back is scrawled the sentence "Wish you were her" and it is signed by both his wife and his sister.

That's how I heard it anyway.

Note: Women leaving their husbands for women or cheating on them in secret happens a lot in these stories. Such things can be traced all the way back to some stories in Greek Mythology and the 1001 Arabian Nights to name just a couple.

How I Met Your Stepmother

A woman comes into an ice cream shop and finds that there is a new beautiful girl working behind the counter. She finds herself flushing and flustered and trying not to stare at the girl's amble bust even though she's never been attracted before. She decides to play it cool and goes up to the counter to order an ice cream cone. She watches the girl work and finds herself entranced and barely keeping from jumping over the counter right there because she wants her so bad.

When she finally turns away from the counter she looks at the money in her hand, realizing she has her change, but no ice cream. She turns and looks at the girl. "Where's my ice cream cone?"

Smiling mischievously the girl raises an eyebrow. "It's right where you put it while you were staring at my cones. In your purse."

The Lesbian Drug

There is a rumor out there that there is a drug that can actually cure cancer, but whose side effects will turn any woman that takes it into a lesbian. She will no longer be physically attracted to men and have a strong desire to have sex with women. It has been tested on several people and it effective in all other ways, but to date has been kept off the market. Though rumors abound that the formulae has gotten out and someone is slipping the drug into the water supply.

Secret Wives

As everyone knows in certain countries acting on lesbian impulses carries a death sentence. Along with backtalk, not doing something fast enough, or men just having a cranky day. However in the lands of the hijabs it has been long rumored that there are lesbians and they even live in plain sight. Sort of. Supposedly they live together, claiming to be family (if they aren't) or widows or disgraced whatever flimsy excuse keeps the god-awful men that surround them at bay. One girl in loose robes and a face covering is much the same as another and since the rules about sneaking peeks at women in private are so strict there really is no way to prove who is doing what.

As fer the religious aspect, women lovin' on women is actually a fairly recent (the last few centuries or millennia) development. Or do you really think sheiks and kings and rich old men satisfy three to twelve to a thousand wives all on their own? Rich women would often have handmaids or slaves who shared their beds and the Kama Sutra has several girl-girl carvings. Men who was uncomfortable about it could often just claim the servant was helpin' the wife bathe and she just needed to be really, really clean. An easy enough lie since most people back then bathed simply by coverin' themselves in smelly oils and then literally scrapin' it off their bodies. Water would kill ya.

Course whether a woman in a country where getting busy with the ladies can get her killed is likely gonna be speculation, since if it weren't she'd be dead already. Possibly at the hands of her own family. Few years back there was an internet site about such a woman making the rounds and really inspirin' people. But then that turned out to be a forty year old man in America. So good luck provin' this story right or wrong.

That's how I heard it anyway. And if that ain't how it happened, then it shoulda.

The Drawing

One day a man came home to find his daughter had drawn a picture of him, his wife, and her, but there was also another figure on his wife's other side. When his daughter came in he asked her, "Who is this other person sweetie?"

"That's Mama Jessica."

"Mama who?"

"Mama Jessica. The pretty blond lady with the big boobs who plays with mommy in her room while you're at work. Mommy says she's my other mommy, but I should call her mama so I don't get confused."

Inheritance

One day a woman walked up to her friend and said, "I have to tell you, last week I had my first sexual encounter with another woman. She was very beautiful and great in bed, even though she was a bit older than me. She was rich and we made love in her mansion. But I was so nervous I gave her your name instead of mine. Do you mind?"

Her friend said, "I don't mind at all. Actually I knew about it and I have something to tell you. Her lawyer got in touch with me yesterday. Apparently she died and left me her house and all of her money."

The Psychology Of It All

In a class on human sexuality a teacher asked her gay students, "Why are you a homosexual?" A lot of them hemmed and hawed but could give no answer.

Then one clever student said, "For the same reason you are straight."

She got an A.

Turkey Basters

A common urban legend is that lesbians collect semen from men and then inject it into themselves via a turkey baster to get pregnant.

Murder By Vibe

Did you hear about the murder? These two women broke up and had a big drag out fight where one of them kicked the other out of the house. Told her "Get out before I get back". She was actually kind of surprised when her ex actually just left.

Anyway after she got over it she was not quite emotionally ready to date, but her body had needs. So she reached into the nightstand for her vibrator, turns down the lights, leans back and gets down to it.

A few days later when some of her friends and family haven't heard from her in a while they call the police to check up on her and find her dead in her bed with a pool of blood between her legs. Within a day they arrest her ex. It seems the former girlfriend out of revenge took advantage of her time packing to remove the blade from her leg razor and glued it to the underside of her former lover's sex toy.

Happy Halloween

Two women agreed to meet up at a Halloween party. One of them was dressed as a pirate and the other as Cleopatra. The party was packed but after a while they met up. The main room was crowded and they were both thinking the other was hot in their costume. So they snuck off to a little hide away and had sex for several hours. After which they went back to the party.

At around midnight Cleopatra's cell phone, tucked into her cleavage, rang. She answered it. To her shock it was her girlfriend.

"Sorry I had to work babe. They called me in last minute. Did my sister find you? I leant her my ticket and my costume…"

The Bride's Revenge

There was once a big fancy wedding. It had all the trimmings. A huge cake. A silk gown for the bride. Hundreds of guests. Caterers. Entertainment. Dozens... maybe hundreds of guests from high society.

The band began playing the wedding march and the bride came down the aisle looking like an angel in white while the groom, handsome as could be, waited up by the priest. Her friends and family on one side his on the other. Her father walking her down the aisle.

They got to the end and he sat down as she took her place across from her fiancé.

The priest asked her husband-to-be if he took her and the groom said, "I do."

Then he asked the bride and she smiled brightly and said, "Screw you and the horse you rode in on." While everyone gasped she shoved her bouquet of thorny roses into his face, grabbed the hand of the maid of honor, and ran out of the room.

The whole wedding party was in an uproar. Half the guests were confused while the rest were still surprised it went as far as it did.

Later when all the hubbub died down the truth came out. The bride had been into girls since she was a teenager, but about four months earlier her dad, a powerful businessman, and her socialite mother had sat her down and told her she was getting married. That's he had to put all this "girl" business behind her and do what was right for the family. he had picked out the son of a rich and influential man and she was getting married. If not she would be thrown out and he would make her life a living hell.

She had appeared to go along with it.

In fact though she merely waited until the last possible moment. Ideally the point where her father would not only get screwed over in all of this, but would be stuck with the bill for the wedding and unable to get it back. While she had been getting ready her best friend and lover, the maid of honor, had been piling the presents into the limousine and assuring the chauffer he would not be needed.

After the debacle the father lost a lot of business contacts and within a year everything else as the embarrassed would-be father-in-law took his revenge on the man responsible. He might have been able to call her back or get someone to round them up and finish the wedding, but it seems that "someone" snaked his cell phone from the men's dressing area and sequestered it away somewhere, but not before dialing a 1-900 number and asking the sultry voices transsexual operator to keep the line open for as long as possible. Nineteen hours later you would not believe the phone bill.

Meanwhile the bride and her lady sold the car and presents for a tidy sum and were last heard from down in Baja having bought a shack on the beach where they rent kayaks to the locals and tourists. From what their friends say the two have never been happier.

That's how I heard it anyway. And if that ain't how it happened, then it shoulda.

The Butterfly Effect

It is apparently believed by many people that seeing two lesbians engaging in romantic behavior is in fact contagious. That if girls see women kissing or going out on dates it could inspire them to do the same and then they will in turn inspire others. Like lining up dominos. Thus it is believed that every time a woman is seen kissing another woman in America the resulting butterfly (not the vibrator) effect means that within a week two women in France or Australia will be kissing due to that first kiss. This has been a long standing belief since at least since 1921 when the UK considered outlawing lesbian acts, but decided not to, for fear that it would only draw attention and give women ideas they had never had before. This could be true because during the reign of one Queen in which gay men were criminalized, the queen said that she did not outlaw women doing it because she did not believe any woman would. Due to a pair of teachers being accused of lesbianism in Scotland the issue was brought up before the British authorities in 1812 and it was even declared that it was impossible for women to have sex together. Likewise in Hollywood in the black and white film days the urban legends of gays and lesbians were so prevalent that many actors and actresses had clauses in their contracts that would get them fired if they were found publicly displaying any sign that they were gay, though later it turned out many of the big named actresses including those with husbands or children were in fact sleeping together and their husbands and other famous male actors were doing the same. The Hays Code kept it from being portrayed in movies.

Isn't it amazing just how easy it is to get girls to decide that they like women? Imagine what would have happened had the actresses at the time been allowed to do so publicly.

That's how I heard it anyway and the math seems pretty solid. Keeping in mind that there's a difference between turning someone gay and letting them know they already are. There is even a game told about in parties at the time called "Daisy Chain" in which people at famous Hollywood parties would make connections between famous women who they knew were sleeping together, seeing how close they could connect one to another in the shortest line of lovers.

Carrots Let You See At Night

You may not be aware of this, but carrots do not in fact let you see in the dark. This was an urban legend spread around Germany in World War Two to explain why Allied bombers were such good shots when bombing the Axis powers at night. Among those who kept the Germans believing this tall tale were a group called the Night Witches, a famous collection of Russian female pilots (many lesbians among them) and bombers known for numerous amazing feats and tactics like buzzing the German's with decoy planes while another would glide in silently for the actual bombing in the dark. The buzzing plane was moving so fast and noisily the astounded Germans could not imagine how it was making such pinpoint attacks in the dark of the night.

Oscar Feud

Joan Crawford never stated why exactly, but she and Marilyn Monroe had a serious feud going on for a few years. There's no real proof why, but Monroe in tapes released from her shrink admitted to having a lesbian sexual experience with the other star in which Joan, well known for taking sexual advantage of many women including her fans, failed to make America's favorite blond want to come back for seconds. Which had to hurt since Monroe had been with other women.

Side note: Rumor has it Monroe had an extra toe.

Cold Day In Hell

One day a man and two women in a carpool got caught in their car in a blizzard. Finally the car was stuck and they could not go anywhere. The man smiled at the women and said, "You know it's going to get pretty cold in here. They say the best way to stay warm in situations like this is to get naked and press close together to conserve body heat."

The next morning a snow plow and rescue team found the car. When they opened the door the two women were in the back seat naked and alive and pressed close together. The man however was in the front seat, frozen solid.

Lucky Break

A woman's mother called her after she went away with her girlfriend for Valentine's Day to an expensive bed and breakfast. "So dear, how are you feeling?"

"Pretty damn lucky."

"Why is that?"

While we were in the room the chandelier over the bed snapped free and fell on my girlfriend, killing her instantly."

"Oh my god, that's awful. Why would you think you were lucky after that?"

"Because if I hadn't gotten up to use the toilet, it would have crushed my head too."

10 Rules for Cooties

The game and horror story combination of Cooties can be traced back, under its current name, for at least a century. Most imagining the fictitious thing to be a disease or parasite. Many think of lice. Older versions include tag, Ring around the Rosie (based on the black plague), and of course the isolation of the victims of other diseases like leprosy. A more recent addition is of course the zombie virus/curse or even that it's a type of radiation. It seems a natural part of human nature to identify anyone who is different and ostracize them. Interestingly unlike racism or religious persecution, most everyone involved starts out on equal footing. Everyone is the same until suddenly… they aren't. Friend turns to foe in the blink of an eye. A person they would hug a moment before is suddenly unclean, horrible, and even terrifying.

Yet as the "victims" succumb they band together. People who had nothing in common before suddenly find themselves allies. Banding together against the world, they turn on those who turned on them. Despite their revulsion and sudden hatred, the victims seek out the uninfected, hunting them down so they can spread t\the cooties. And suddenly they are allies again, even if the new person resents them for giving them cooties.

Then things change. Someone comes up with a cure. Some people are immune. There are different strains of cooties depending on who gives them to you.

All in all it's an interesting life lesson.

A person is declared to have cooties. Usually based on being the opposite gender of the accuser or by doing literally anything that draws attention. One surefire way is to touch anything the accuser finds distasteful. Girls usually pick things like mud, snakes, or boys. Boys usually pick things like girls, anything pink, or lady's underwear. Though it varies. A lot of kids just think anyone of the opposite gender or in any way "weird" is automatically born with cooties. (Note: As a holdout from earlier times many kids use the word "gay" or "queer" as an alternative to weird without truly understanding or mean the sexual connotations implied by those words in current culture. As a result another form of cooties is almost synonymous with homosexuality.)

From that point on any physical contact could potentially spread the cooties to anyone or anything else. Including inanimate objects, the air, or even the floor. Cute animals, teenagers, and adults are immune. The most surefire way to pass on cooties to another person if to kiss them.

Once infected the victim is immediately considered unclean and contagious. Anyone not yet infected by the cooties must avoid any direct physical contact through any means necessary, up to and including running away screaming.

A victim is allowed to seek help. There is a cootie shot, performed by reciting a rhyme (example: Ice is cold, fire is hot, now you've had a cootie shot!) and then poking them painfully in the arm with a fingernail or other sharp object. Alternatively if the infected person makes a circle using the thumb and forefingers of both hands and then had someone else chop the circle apart. Those giving the cure are considered immune. Another object capable of protecting from cooties (snatching the out of the very air) or curing the victim is a cootie catcher, a paper puppet made using origami to make a four pointed puppet. Said puppets are also used for divination and other spells or occasionally parachutes for small toys.

Once infected the uncured victim becomes a human cootie machine. They produce cooties at a remarkable rate and immediately infect anything they touch. In many ways they become a cootie. Some accept that they are dead already. Others, in fact most, find themselves compelled to seek out the uninfected and spread the cooties to them. They will chase down whole groups and tag them, touch them with an object that has been infected, or kiss them. The more their targets scream and try to escape, the harder they are pursued.

When there are two or more cootie infected people exist, they are automatically on the same side. The new victim might seek a cure often resenting the one who infected them, but they are just as likely to immediately turn on their friends, trying just as hard to infect them.

Claiming immunity or being cured just means that you can be infected again and the person who tried to give them to you before can try to do so. Claiming to be completely immune is seen as "a wuss move" or cheating. Spoiling the fun at best.

Cooties can fade or even immediately clear up as spontaneously as they developed. Often when a school bell rings and everyone returns to class, if someone shares treats, or someone comes up with another game. Often though they are only put on hold and will reemerge later.

Cooties can be picked up between two fingers and transferred intentionally to other objects or people. Even flicked across the room with amazing speed, distance, and accuracy in the same manner as someone might blow a kiss. A target can try to dodge, but it is not easy.

Some people enjoy having cooties particularly if they have someone else to share them with. They are an effective way to keep other people at arm's length and get some quality time alone. They are also effective against bullies and bigots especially the "gay" kind. This can carry into teen and adult years. When attacked a person, particularly one that is actually and openly gay, can shout "Gay/Queer/Dyke Cooties" and reach towards the tormentor and sometimes said tormentor will instinctively avoid any skin on skin contact or even run away in terror. On the one hand people feel this is perpetuating an unfortunate stereotype or using sexuality as a deterrent like it's some kind of disease. On the other hand, when it works, it is freaking hilarious when a homophobe screams and cries and runs away. Works best if you shove your hands down the front of our pants or dress and move them around first. Or just spit in your palm. Breasts however seem to not transfer cooties.

Like other games such as Rock-Scissors-Paper the rules can vary from place to place and sometimes can change unexpectedly.

Cootie catchers can supposedly be used to predict the future and find true love if fed.

The Tunnel

Two girls were walking home one night holding hands and giggling. They came to a tunnel and walked inside. It was well lit so there was no problem. But as they reached the middle the light went out and one girl felt the other's fingers pull away. The other girl did not worry since she did not hear her girlfriend's footsteps going away. The light came on a moment later.

Only she was alone in the tunnel. She looked both ways to where street lights lit the entrance and exits, but there was not sign of the other girl.

Author's Note: These are just some of the stories available in "That's How I Heard It Anyway" which should be available for purchase. Some are far more outlandish than those here and others you may be familiar with. Tell me what you think. I love reviews and they help me write better provided they are constructive criticism and not just short unhelpful phrases.

You may also like some of my other books:

Lesbian Jokes of a Positive Nature

The Complete Lesbian Storybook

Lesbian M.I.L.F. Seduction Manual

Cougars and Kittens

Valentine Charming's Love Letter of Doom

Undead Strippers Versus the Alien Zombie Queen

Harlequin: A Fool's World Novel

The Woman Your Mother Warned You About

Lesbian Sleepover & Slumber Party Handbook

Suicide Pact

Great America

How to be an Anime Character

Cosplay of the Gods

The Lavender Fairytale Book

Galentines

24/7

Dragons

Slasher School Days

Furries

Mall Elves & Other Urban Predators

The Doll