Irrational Humanity and Cold Science

Summary: Rick and Morty are abducted by aliens who wish to keep them and perform medical experiments on them. Rick wouldn't mind so much thanks to his cold, scientific view of the situation, but Morty's very-human emotions surrounding the experience makes Rick feel a little uncharacteristically emotional himself.

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Chapter 1

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"So what does this stuff do, Rick?" Morty asked as he twisted around in his seat and looked back behind them at the buckets of mesmerizing glowing sand they had spent the past several hours collecting. It sparked almost like it was purely glitter, but such a fine, soft glitter. Morty kind of wanted to spread the sand out on the floor and just roll around in it. It was so damn pretty.

"I already fucking told you, Morty. Not my fault your dumb little brain can't ever comprehend anything I say, and for the last time... don't fucking touch it." Rick growled, glaring over toward his grandson as Morty couldn't help but to reach toward the substance.

Morty smiled as he squished some of the substance between his fingers. He wished he could have collected a whole bucket of it just for himself. Collecting it had taken a while, but at least it was kind of fun. Nothing tried to kill them while they gathered it. They just went to this really gorgeous planet with clouds just as beautiful as the sand below, collected the stuff, and went on their way. It was perhaps the easiest adventure he'd ever been involved in with his grandfather.

"It feels like moon sand, Rick." Morty noted as he formed some of the sand into a ball in his hands.

"It most certainly does not. Not any moon I've ever been to." Rick grumbled. "Your understanding of the universe is so fuckin' dense, Morty."

"Not the actual moon... Like the colorful stuff you can buy and build sand castles with - like for kids..." Morty frowned, drawing his hand back and facing forward in his seat again. "Magnetic sand? Or is it kinetic sand...? I don't know. Mom bought me some purple moon sand like five years ago. I ended up spilling it all in the carpet and she got mad and vacuumed it up."

Rick rolled his eyes and shook his head, choosing not to acknowledge his grandson's comments.

"What'd you say it was for?" Morty asked again, narrowing his eyes toward Rick. He knew his grandfather had already attempted to explain it a few times, but he kept using words Morty didn't understand, over-explaining in a way that was so confusing Morty lost focus half-way through and ended up not knowing any more at the end of the explanation than when Rick started.

"You're not gonna listen or understand anyway, Morty. Just take it at face value - it's magnetic sand that you can't fucking play with..." Rick explained as Morty turned around in his seat and reached toward the substance again "Not unless you want space herpes." Rick added.

Morty grimaced and drew his hand back. "Space herpes?" He whispered. He'd already touched it! He had touched it a lot. They both did.

"Only if you have an open wound. Do you?" Rick stared at him with a raised eyebrow.

Morty stared down at his hands. He didn't see any scrapes or scratches on his skin. They were pretty much crawling through it though... It got all over both of them. He probably got little particles of it in his mouth. Probably breathed it! "Rick... We both collected this stuff with our bare hands!" He reminded the man. "For hours!" He added.

Rick laughed. "Space herpes isn't a thing, dumb ass. You're so fucking gullible. I'm using this shit to make antidotes and healing creams. Jesus Christ, Morty. You think I'm gonna collect a bunch of motherfucking space herpes in buckets and take it home. Are you serious? Damn you're a fucking idiot sometimes, Morty..."

Morty frowned and crossed his arms over his chest as he stared out the passenger side window of the space craft. He didn't think it was really very funny. Rick could have just put it simply like that from the start rather than making it into a big, drawn-out thing. He knew Morty wouldn't understand the scientific version of the explanation, and how the hell was Morty supposed to know space herpes wasn't a thing? It probably even was a thing in a different dimension, considering there were infinite realities. By Rick's own definition of the multiverse, literally everything imaginable existed somewhere.

"Don't get your dumb little feelings hurt, Morty. I was fuckin' joking about the space herpes." Rick shook his head.

"I was only asking a question, Rick. I just wanted to know what it does. You don't always have to be mean to me." Morty stared back at his grandfather. "I don't always understand things when you put 'em scientifically, okay? You know that already... s-so in a way, y-you know, you're the one being dumb not putting it in terms I understand."

Rick scoffed and rolled his eyes. "That's fuckin' rich, Morty... You don't understand something and accuse someone else of being dumb. Fantastic."

Morty shook his head and stared out his window at the stars. "I'm just saying, you need to know your audience Rick. Be a better communicator."

Rick chucked softly. "Communicating with a dumbass emotional fuckin' basketcase. Sorry I didn't sound dumb enough for it to sink into your little skull."

Morty frowned as he looked back up through the windshield and noticed something large approaching from in front of them. It looked like a giant space ship - kind of exactly like what Morty would have described a space ship a few years ago - before he ever rode in one - like a very stereotypical 'U.F.O.' design from the 1960s. Kind of like Rick's ship even - only really, really huge. It was practically the size of a building.

"Um... Rick..." Morty spoke in a small voice, barely able to make even that much come out of his mouth as he stared with a cold feeling in his chest. He knew gathering the space sand had been too easy. Maybe these people were coming to take it back from them.

Morty's eyes widened as he watched out the windshield. The larger ship was slowly moving closer, crowding out the distant stars.

He glanced over at Rick, who didn't even seem to be watching out the windshield. The man was staring down at his hands, picking at his fingernails. "Rick!" Morty said louder, staring with his mouth hanging open back out the front window. "There's something out there..."

"No shit." Rick laughed, still focusing on his fingers rather than paying attention to where he was driving. "We're in space, Morty. Everything that isn't in here is out there. Like, the whole universe, dipshit. Why do you always have to be such a jumpy, overreacting fucking dumba- Oh... fuck." He grimaced when he finally looked up.

"What?" Morty breathed, gripping his seat cushion in nervous hands as he glanced toward Rick. "What is it? Who are they? What are they gonna do, Rick?"

"Well... These are the type of aliens dumb asses think all aliens are..." Rick frowned, grabbing his steering wheel and jerking it to the side.

Morty gasped, nearly falling out of his seat. "What does that mean?" Morty breathed, refastening his seat belt. They'd been traveling so long without incident that he had taken it off. He knew he shouldn't have let his guard down. Of course collecting the sand without anyone trying to kill them and nothing at all going wrong was too good to be true.

"Well, just think about it, Morty. What did you think aliens were like before you ever met one?" Rick raised an eyebrow and stared across the seat at his grandson.

Morty shrugged a shoulder. "Little green guys with big black eyes?"

Rick shook his head. "Not that part... More in behavior than appearance."

"I don't fucking know, Rick! Can we stop playing twenty questions and you just tell me!?" Morty breathed, grabbing toward the seat cushion again as Rick took another sharp turn. "Are they gonna fucking kill us?" Morty gasped.

Rick laughed again. "Probably not... Well, maybe... But they're the 'abduct you and do medical experiments on you' type of alien... to answer your dumb ass question... So we need to get the hell out-" Rick cut himself off with a sharp breath when the ship suddenly came to a very sudden stop.

Morty winced as his body jerked forward, being stopped rather harshly by his seat belt before he slammed into the front of the car. It felt pretty much like they had collided with something, but they hadn't. Their car just very suddenly froze in place, which was basically just as traumatic as a collision.

Groaning a pained noise, Morty squeezed his eyes shut and tried to focus on breathing. His ribs and shoulder hurt where the seat belt had held him back so firmly. He felt like he couldn't inhale. He reached his hand up toward the seat belt, trying to loosen it, feeling like maybe it was what was keeping his lungs from expanding.

He still couldn't breathe in... He felt his eyes watering as he choked out a tiny whimper.

After what felt like forever, Morty was finally able to inhale a painful, shaking breath. Tears flowed from his eyes as he squeezed them shut and continued breathing in and out. His ribs still hurt pretty bad, but at least he could breathe again.

"Rick?" Morty whispered, swallowing and blinking his eyes back open. He let out a small, shaky sob as he began looking around. The ship seemed frozen in space. It wasn't moving at all, but it didn't seem like it had hit anything else. "Rick?" Morty whispered, glancing over toward his grandfather.

"Oh fuck..." Morty whimpered when he saw Rick's seat belt hadn't stopped him from being flung roughly forward. He hadn't been wearing it.

Rick was slumped awkwardly against the space ship's dashboard. A small cut oozing blood was on his forehead and he seemed to be unconscious.

"Rick!" Morty whispered, unbuckling his seat belt, crawling over the seat, and grabbing at Rick's shoulder, shaking him gently. Morty let out a soft whimper when he looked around again. Their entire space-car was being sucked up into the larger, alien ship.

Morty breathed a tiny, shaking breath when their ship came to a rest inside the larger one. Several large aliens immediately began approaching. They didn't look like the 1960s aliens that would have matched the stereotypical ship. They had green skin of varying shades, but they weren't little with huge eyes. They were tall, broad-chested, muscular... very scary-looking, with four arms each, large mouths, ten or so eyes each... To put it bluntly, they looked like an actual fucking nightmare.

"Rick! Get up! Wake up, Rick!" Morty whimpered, reaching toward his grandfather again, shaking the man's arm desperately. He didn't want to deal with this alone. "Please wake up!"

Morty turned back toward the door when the aliens effortlessly pried it open and reached inside toward him. "No! Get away!" Morty screamed, swatting his hands toward theirs and kicking out desperately as he pressed his back against the door they weren't reaching through, trying to distance himself as much as possible. "Don't touch me!" He screamed. "Rick! Help me!" He whimpered a shaky cry.

The alien grabbing toward him didn't seem deterred by his efforts or his screams. It grabbed Morty's arms and easily dragged him out, immediately snapping some kind of collar around his neck, then shoving him down onto the floor.

Morty landed on his hands and knees, shrinking down and looking up at the alien as another one grabbed Rick out of the spaceship and dragged him out in a similar fashion, snapping a metal collar around his neck and depositing him onto the floor next to Morty.

Morty felt his lip trembling and tears filling his eyes as a third alien shoved some sort of iPad-looking thing in front of his face and made a series of clicking noises with its mouth, nodding down toward the tablet.

Morty shook his head as he stared at the device, which had dozens of hexagonal buttons on the screen. Each one had symbols on them. They almost looked like they were each a different language, as some of the symbols looked more complicated or a completely different style than the others. He had no idea what any of it meant or why the alien had given it to him. Was he supposed to press one of the buttons? Why? How could he know which one?

"I don't-" He started, grimacing nervously and breathlessly as he looked from the screen back up toward the alien with a shake of his head and small, timid shrug.

The alien made the same clicking noises again, nodding toward the tablet, then grabbing Morty's arm, dragging his hand toward the screen.

Morty whimpered and tried to pull his arm back. "Stop!" He breathed, but the alien gripped his arm tighter, making quicker clicking noises with his mouth, shaking him as though frustrated. "I don't know what you want!" Morty cried, glancing back toward Rick again, who was lying limply on the floor. "Rick!" Morty whimpered. Rick would probably know what to do if he were conscious.

The alien squeezing his arm grabbed the back of Morty's head and shoved him toward the tablet, forcing Morty to look at it closer. It was still just rows and rows of buttons with symbols he didn't understand.

"I don't know what to do!" Morty breathed shakily. "Let go of me!"

The alien let out a growling breath, still holding onto the back of Morty's neck, forcing him to watch as it reached toward the screen, swiping a hand across it to reveal another page of symbols.

Morty frowned and reached toward the screen, swiping through pages of symbols, hoping to see something he recognized. He let out a breath when he finally saw what looked like letters from Earth, even though he wasn't sure what they said, if they were another language or just a random assortment. He pressed it, then the tablet started speaking in a very robotic-sounding French or Italian or something.

Morty looked up at the alien and shook his head.

The alien made more clicking sounds and pressed something on the tablet, bringing up more buttons that looked much more familiar. Maybe they were different languages from earth.

Morty breathed out a small breath when he saw a button that read 'Earth: English Language.' He quickly pressed it, still not sure what the hell was going on, but feeling like there was at least a small part of this process that wasn't complete nonsense.

The robotic voice spoke out from the tablet again. "You Comprehend. Language English. Planet Earth. Finger press hexagonal affirm pad if correct."

Morty swallowed and pressed the hexagon on the screen, then looked up at the alien, who moved the tablet away and reached up toward its own neck, unhooking some kind of device and pressing some buttons on it, looking toward its companions and making clicking noises, apparently explaining something to them, as they removed their devices next and pressed buttons too, as though this made sense to all of them.

Morty exhaled a sharp breath and flinched back when the alien reached toward him next, grabbing something off of the collar he wore, which he now realized looked the same as the ones the aliens wore. The alien pressed some buttons on it and snapped it back into place on the collar.

"Earthling English?" The first alien spoke down to him. "I speak your language now?"

Morty licked his lips, but nodded. "C-close enough..." He breathed.

"Yes? I speak your language?" The alien asked again.

"Um... Yes." Morty whispered, swallowing nervously. The collars must have been some sort of translation device.

The alien nodded toward its companions, grabbing Morty's arm and dragging him along as one of the others grabbed Rick, tossing the man over his shoulder and following. "The translator will adapt and learn your language as it are heard from your voice and that of your companion. Our translating system are very advanced, with capacity to learn from experience. You may notice your language are not fully present in what we say at this time, but our grasp of Earthing English will improve during your time with us."

"M-my time with you? I... W-what's happening? W-what are you guys gonna do?" Morty breathed.

"This are also Earthling?" The alien holding onto Rick asked.

"Yeah... I mean yes. Yes. He is. He's from Earth. H-he's my grandpa... We're f-family... like... relatives? We're related. M-my mom is his daughter..." Morty breathed, trying to make as much sense as possible considering these aliens didn't seem to have a great grip on the English language. "W-we're both humans from Earth..."

The alien holding onto Morty frowned down at him. "Earth child." He noted, nodding toward Rick next. "Adult. Elder."

"Y-yeah..." Morty nodded. "I mean, I'm a teenager. I'm not like a child... I technically am, I guess..."

"We keep the child." One of the other aliens noted.

Morty felt his mouth drop open and his eyes widen as he shook his head. "N-no... Y-you can't keep me... I... We were just... like passing through... We-"

"Enough." The alien dragging him along pressed a button on a cuff it wore around its wrist and suddenly Morty felt a sharp, horrible pain in his neck... The collar was doing something. Shocking him? Drugging him?

"St-stop!" Morty gasped, reaching up toward the collar as he stumbled forward, unable to keep walking while the pain was coursing through his body.

"Enough." The alien said again, pressing the button once more until Morty felt his eyes roll back in his head and he lost consciousness completely.

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