E

The Hot Teacher I Had Crush On Tried To Drown Me

Testing. Testing One-two. Is this fucking thing on? Oh shit, it is.

Okay, I better introduce myself: What's up I'm Jared, I'm 19 and I never learned how to fucking read.

[I'm joking Bast! Why are you pulling your braids?]

Hello, my name is Sadie Ruby Kane, I'm 18 and my cat taught me how to read hieroglyphics.

No. Joke.

Bast told me to record my travels. I don't see the use but I might as well. Making your pet cat/weird aunt/uni roommate/resident cat goddess angry is not a good idea. Especially when she insists on cooking. You cannot substitute Tuna with Friskies cat food. Let's just say my toothbrush tasted fishy for weeks.

[Bast is complaining that I'm going on a tangent and am forgetting the important stuff.]

Where was I? Ah yes, I was explaining I am sitting in my room like a loser talking to a cassette recorder.

Let's get the record straight. I am a magician, but not the birthday party or street magician. I have done some tricks at a birthday party, but that was because I needed the cash.

Got it?

Okay, let's get the history. So long ago the Ancient Egyptians worshipped the Ancient Gods and practised magic. As the times changed, the magician saw the need for a gathering. So they created the nomes. No not Gnomes, nomes. N-O-M-E-S. When the Greeks invaded, the nomes refused to leave. Like a stubborn ex who doesn't give up following you home for two weeks straight until you break his nose. The nomes branched out all over the globe. There even is a Nome in Antarctica! Though that is a prison. In a nutshell, these nomes are like the magic police/animal control, like magical Interpol.

Okay, that's the basics done, now I gotta tell you guys about how I got mixed up in all of this.

Two ancient Pharaohs are my great-granddads.

Well, not great-granddads, but like great times 35? But you get the gist. On my dad's side, I got Narmer, like Narmer's palette Narmer. On my mum's side, I have the not-so-great Ramesses the Great. I just call him old Rammy 2 because I couldn't get free admission into the museum, even though we are related. Useless Old Bags. My parents were magicians, but well.

[Bast do I have to do this?]

Both of my parents died doing magic. My mum died releasing Bast from the prison she was trapped in. She didn't do anything bad, Bast was brave enough to volunteer to fight Apophis. My dad, on the other hand, chose to get himself and my twin brother blown up.

After mum died, her parents, my grandparents fought my dad in court, and once in a food court. They got custody of me and Dad got Carter. Gramps says that we should have fought for Carter too. Gran disagrees, she says if Carter was alive he wouldn't 'fit in' with us. Blatant Racism. It's all because I look white and Carter doesn't. Carter didn't. If I didn't look like my mum, I guess they wouldn't give a toss about me. But I do and they do. I mean they basically worship my mum. The cupboard under the stairs was converted to 'The Shrine of Ruby'. Her A-level results, baby teeth, even a full bottle of cheap gin she bought when she was 15 are all in the cupboard. The bottle is empty now, but don't blame me, blame Liz and Emma.

When they were alive, Dad and Carter used to come to visit twice a year. Sometimes we would go to a restaurant or see a movie. Or sometimes we would go to one of Dad's colleagues boring lectures. I was just glad to spend time with my dad and twin brother. But this was years ago. The last time they were supposed to visit, Dad had to go to see some old relic at the British Museum. Carter went along with him. A gas pipe exploded and they both died. There were no bodies to identify, just Carter's necklace; the eye of Horus. The eye of Horus was used by the Ancient Egyptians as a symbol of protection. Ironic huh. Dad gave me a similar necklace when I was eight, an Isis knot. I stopped wearing that years ago after I found out it was my mum's. It gave me the heebie-geebies so I donated it to the cupboard. Gran was ecstatic. But she did gift it back to me when I left for Uni.

At this time, I didn't know that I could do magic. That I found out in year 9. I was pulling a prank with my mates and was caught by the new History teacher. She had pale almost translucent skin, super long hair that she never tied up and she always whispered but it sounded like she was right next to you. All the lads, and some of the girls in the school yours truly included, had major crushes on her. There was something a bit off with that bird, but I thought nothing of it until I was trapped in the boys changing room with her and my mates. Later on, I figured out that she wasn't a licensed History teacher. She wasn't a teacher full stop. Turns out that she was an El Naddaha, a siren, trying to drown me in the Thames. We (me and my two mates, Liz and Emma) were in the boy's changing room, trying to put a squirrel inside Dylan Quinn's knickers when the door shut on us. Miss Maniac steps inside and starts telling me to follow her. Next thing I know, I'm outside and on the footpath while a woman wearing a leotard uses these HUGE knives to slash Miss Maniac. Now I was less in shock about the woman with the knives, I live in London. Every Roadman has one on them, this was every day for me. I was more shocked that Miss Maniac was translucent and steaming. Now I wish I could say that I helped get rid of the El Naddaha, but I did not. I did the next best thing, I fainted. When I woke up, I was in my bed, Gran sat next to me. A wet cloth was on my forehead. Gramps was serving the leotard woman some of Gran's signature burnt shortcakes while thanking her for saving me. Leotard woman made small talk with Gramps, telling him that her name was Bast. Gran made a sour face. She did not like Bast as she didn't fit in with Gran's perfect world. Bast had beautiful Ebony skin which seemed to glitter in the light. Her hair was in neat cornrows decorative beads threaded in. Her eyes were strange. When I first looked at them, they looked like two pieces of Enstatite. But then, they changed. Bast's eyes looked exactly like cat eyes. Bast left right afterwards, disappearing into thin air.

That night I sat with Muffin, my cat, totally confused with what happened. I got even more confused when Muffin morphed into Bast.

[Coming Bast!]

Bast is calling me for dinner so I'll finish explaining everything later.