Thank you for picking up Xenoblade Chronicles Abridged: Definitive Edition! Whether you're a new reader or a returning reader, welcome! I hope you enjoy this remake of my original Xenoblade Chronicles Abridged fanfiction.

I started it three-plus years ago and wrote it by the seat of my pants, so next-to-nothing was planned. There will be some "plot" elements changed or cut to better help the flow, characters will stay themselves for once (i.e. Xord lost his accent in the original, Melia lost some awkward slanginess, Arachno Queen grew to speak normally, etc), and there's overall grammar and joke repairs.

It doesn't actually have anything to do with Definitive Edition. It's still technically an abridged for the Wii version (with some jokes about the Switch version added in). But yes, it inspired me to rewrite this. :)

Spoilers from the very beginning. I have no shame in referencing the final boss constantly throughout this abridged. There may also be spoilers for Future Connected. Depends. I've still not decided. But prepare yourself, anyway. I'll probably do it.

And a huge cheer for 10,000+ views on the original Xenoblade Chronicles Abridged! Thank you so much! :)


"Eons ago, in a world with endless ocean and endless sky, two endless titans fought ankle-deep in this ocean. Their heads scraped the atmosphere, causing global warming for us, but that's not the point to the story. Their names were the Bionis and the Mechonis. Man verses Machine, Homs verses Artificial Intelligence, et cetera. You know the drill. No one knows why they fought, only that evidence of it still remains today—"

"Oh, so like that fossilized Twilight disk I found last week!" Fiora remarks.

Shulk pauses, mid-read in the book, and cracks a confused smile.

"I'm pretty sure Dickson found some odd depictions of…vampires and werewolves in some Giants' ruins," Dunban says, lounged on his bed. The pair look up from the floor of his bedroom (he didn't want to walk to Outlook Park, oh, it's so far away), glance at each other, and close the book promptly.

"I always knew I hated history for some reason or another," Shulk mutters.

His childhood friend awkwardly clears her throat and tries to forget that she watched that fossilized Twilight disk. "I suddenly feel ashamed to live on Bionis."

We thus cut to the source of Dunban's tragic injury that prevents him from hauling himself out of bed.


In the Battle of Sword Valley, a year-younger Dunban—and his "loyal" wartime companions and "good" friends Dick(son) and Mumkhar—fall back to hide behind scrap metal. Around them, Homs Defense Force soldiers are screaming and shouting as Mechon slaughter them. They could defend them with the Monado, the only sword effective against Mechon armor, but bugger them, the heroes need to take a rest.

Dunban takes a glance behind the scrap metal and exhales tensely. "They're advancing down our weak right flank. We're never going to win this."

"Weak right flank? I thought it was the left flank," Dickson replies, his eyes twitching wide in defense. "I told you it was the left flank, and you didn't listen again! I have age superiority!"

"Oh, yeah? Wanna fight me, Dick?" the man asks, waving the Monado at him threateningly.

Sneering, Dick snips back, "Yeah, like the Monado's gonna save you from me."

Mumkhar adjusts his position against the cover uncomfortably. You might be one to think he's the stable, solid rock of the group, but he's pretty much the most evil-named, evil-looking, evil-sounding, and evil-acting man ever. "Guys, we don't have time for this, we gotta move! Right flank, left flank, who cares! I just want to get going already!" So I can steal the Monado for myself! That sword will be mine! Hahahahahaha!

Mumkhar clears his throat and forces a smile (dripping with evil, mind you), but his two companions never see this as they return to bickering. "It's my right, you dick," Dunban says darkly, standing up. "And the Monado will whup your butt any day."

"If it could whup a Homs," Dickson mocks.

"Haha, hahaha, haha, I'm sure I'm fine," the younger man replies with a twist of his mouth Dickson's way.

An indignant flush hits the Dick's face. "It can't hurt anything from the Bionis, you twit!"

All three fall silent. Mumkhar's fake smile crumples. It literally looks like what little color he had in his face has been drained out. "So… Bunnivs aren't from the Bionis…?" Mumkhar mumbles, his eyes opening wide. "Dear Bionis, I've been lied to my whole life! I-if Bunnivs are from the Mechonis, then…then that means that I've gotta respect my childhood pet Bun-Bun's life and join them!" His smile returns, wide and completely nuts. "See ya, losers!"

Dickson and Dunban say nothing. They can only stare as Mumkhar bounds toward Galahad Fortress, whistling a sordid tune. Finally, Dunban coughs something out. "Wait, Mumkhar, why're you heading toward the enemy stronghold?! They don't know you had a pet from Mechonis—!"

Their friend's screams were all they needed to hear.

"Great," Dunban huffs out. "Dickson, you didn't have a pet Krabble or anything when you were a child, did you?"

Dickson is thoughtful for a moment. And then he says: "Hm… Not that I can remember. Krabbles were dust under my feet…" The man begins to chuckle. "But I did have a pet Homs. Oh, the memories."

"Oh, that's great." Beat. "Wait, what?"

"No time! We're lucky the Mechon haven't shot at us yet!" The two hurry out from behind the scrap metal barrier, and Dunban grins wickedly as he activates the Monado. His Defense Force friend looks to him with alarm. "Dunban! You beast, what are you doing?! There is absolutely no hope to win this battle! There's always later, you know! Though…" A musing look crosses his face. "Though I'm sure that you'll finally realize you're not the Chosen One by trying to win this stupid battle."

The younger man replies with a barred grin. "Haha! But I am the Chosen One! Born in a world of strife! Against the odds! We choose to fight! Blossom Dance! Ka-chow!" With a leap, Dunban advances the flank of Mechon and wipes them out easily with one swipe of the Monado.

Dickson whistles at the Mechon carnage ensuing, and he shakes his head and hangs back—not like he could do anything if the Monado is that effective.

"See?! Whatdaya think of that, huh, Dickson?" Suddenly, Dunban's egotistical glory is cut short by a reality check. He shrieks and drops to his knees, the Monado crackling with electricity that lances up his right arm.

"I think you're quite stupid," he replies.

"N-no, I-I've got to get to the Monado tutorial battle—!" the hero, Dunban, gasps. "The player needs to see how this goes!"

"They get it again once Zanza—" He coughs. "—Shulk gets the Monado back," Dickson says, shrugging. "Don't worry about it, Dunban, let's just fall back, you're not exactly left-handed, so you can't do anything now, capeesh? Besides, you're being selfish with it, you're not the Chosen One!"

Dunban sheds one manly tear before letting Dickson throw his numb arm, raw from electrical burns, over his shoulder and supports him as they walk out, abandoning every other Defense Force soldier fighting for Bionis.

"We'll let them fall back to Colony 6. Things can't end well for them, anyways," Dickson says with a sneer to his tone. His friend can only nod. "Chosen One, you? Main character and hero, you? Ha!"


"And that's how the Battle of Sword Valley went!" Dickson finishes proudly. Shulk can only stare at him. "And now the Monado is your's to research, Shulk m'boy, hope you're happy now. It only cost Dunban's arm to tear it away from him forever."

Shulk beams and takes the heavy red sword from Dickson's outstretched hands. "Yay! Thanks, Dad!"

"I'm not your dad."

"Yay! Thanks, Surrogate Dad!"

"You don't want me as your dad."