Behind the Clouds

"Becky, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, please stop crying."

She'd heard those words throughout her childhood, whenever they'd played too rough and after most fights, but never had there been so much weight behind them. Her glazed eyes dragged to where the voice had come from. Lee? She gasped, falling back onto the stone bench of the cemetery.

Her brother kneeled in front of her with a tortured look on his face. Rebecca reached out a hand, crying bitterly for both of them. He was dead and she had obviously gone off the deep end. His features were so dear to her, they filled the gnawing emptiness his death had left. Her fingers passed through the long beard, missing the curls completely.

"Lee?" she said on a sob.

"I wish I could take it back. I'm so sorry." He covered his translucent face with his hands.

"Why?" she whispered aghast, so softly only a ghost could hear. He couldn't hold her eyes, couldn't bear the grief so up close.

"I just wanted the pain to stop...but I can see I only transferred it," Lee said after a shaky breath.

"What pain, Lee?" Her voice was thick with grief.

"That I was a failure." He met her eyes then, gaze blazing with sincerity.

"People love you! Who said you were a failure-? It was all in your head!"

Lee's eyes dropped to the ground again. "I was a twenty-eight year old, unemployed pothead, living with my sister because my parents kicked me out."

"They kicked you out so you'd come back to reality and start living your life. You were always off in Neverland, and so what about the other stuff? I didn't care you didn't work - I told you!"

"I felt guilty anyway. I'd watch you come home tired from work and -"

"You're not a burden! You never were!" She burst into angry tears, shaking with it. "You were my bestfriend." She choked out. "You weren't a burden to me, but you didn't believe me."

"No, I didn't," he said quietly, hurting at his sister's torment. He forced himself to look at her pain-twisted face, at the new lines etched in her skin, at the sickly pallor she'd developed, at the sunken, haunted eyes.

"I want to die too," she whispered, tears brimming over her ashen cheeks.

Spectral tears spilled from his glassy eyes at the sentiment. "Don't die, Becky." The words were muted as guilt strangled him. He fell onto all fours, as if real pain were racking through him.

He'd comforted himself that time would heal them, his family. He'd hoped they'd grieve and move on, but instead he'd watched her waste away. Watched from the windows as she refused to let him go.

She gave up and her life crumbled. He watched as she fell behind on her bills, and as she viciously chased away everyone she knew, blaming them for not seeing the signs. For not keeping him alive. Deep down she blamed herself more, and that guilt had turned to hate. He knew because he'd been there when the loneliness had driven her to talk to herself, to him, as if he was still there.

The hatred had grown, and now she wanted to die. She surrounded herself with death, intentionally listening for the call of the void. Seeking out sickness and decay, anything to cause harm. A quick death, a short tumble off the cliffs wouldn't satisfy, she wanted the punishment of a slow death.

"You wouldn't live for me."

"I was wrong. Please Becky, don't make my mistake. Please." He sat back on his heels, letting out a shaky breath. "It was all in my head...I got caught up in everyone else's expectations. So silly now, looking back. It's all an illusion." He looked away remembering, then raised his eyes to hers. "The only thing that matters is your heart...I've broken yours. I see that." He swallowed the aching lump welling up, the shame and guilt. "That's why I'm here now, I thought you'd move on -"

"I can't Lee, I miss you too much. I don't see myself ever being the same. I don't think time can touch this one."

"You haven't tried very hard."

Her burning gaze flashed on his glassy eyes, picking out the hint of the brown they use to be. "I can't, don't you get it? You're dead because of me...! I shouldn't have taken you in. I should've let Mom and Dad's plan work, but I couldn't stand to see you struggle!" She ignored his headshake of denial. "I enabled you, let you lose yourself in that stupid game!"

"Becky," he pleaded. "It wasn't you, I promise it wasn't. I would have failed anyway, I...I didn't want to be human anymore." He stared into her drenched eyes as he spoke, but had to look away as her face puckered with fresh grief. "I'm here now because you're getting sick, and I can't let that happen."

"I'm just tired," she said between the aftershocks of sobs. She let herself fall sideways on the bench, resting her temple on the hard surface.

"It's not a physical sickness."

She didn't react, but he waited, knowing she knew he was right. "So, what now? You tell me the afterlife is treating you well, but not worth dying for. Will that cure me?"

"No it won't...I thought I'd have the words but I don't. It's just me telling you to get help, hoping it'll be enough." His face wrinkled in concern.

"I figured that's why I could see you, that I'd finally gone crazy. So you're not a figment of my imagination that I've conjured up out of sheer will?"

He smiled softly. "No, so let me save you."

Rebecca stared at his smile, she hadn't seen it outside of pictures in months. "...What do I do?"

"Live."

"I miss you too much."

He closed his eyes shamefully.

"Can't you stay? Won't God let you?"

He opened his eyes slowly, careful to show nothing. "It won't help you. I'll only be enabling you. You need to return to the living, get stable again."

Rebecca frowned.

"You need to get out of your head and start writing stories again."

"Lee, have you seen him? Do you believe in him now?"

His expression soften in sympathy but he felt it too complicated to explain, and she was far from the right mental state to accept any answer. "Wouldn't that defeat the purpose of faith if I told you?"

Her hazel eyes looked hollow, boring out of her swollen, puffy face. He looked away from the intensity of her scrutiny. "Does he exist?"

"It's getting early, I have to go soon," he said. She sat up quickly, too quickly and raised a hand to her aching head.

"Lee, come home. Help me that way. I need the company - and Buttons misses you!" The words were rushed, almost too quick to make out as she panicked.

"He knows I'm around, we talk. I asked him to keep an eye on you," Lee replied, speaking of his cat. The feral kitten he'd found years ago.

"He does? He never told me!"

Lee didn't smile, or laugh, knowing it was said only half jokingly.

"I can't stay Becky, it's not good for you...but I can visit," he amended at her stricken expression.

"When? How often?"

"I'm not sure," he lied, desperate to avoid her dependency. "I'll try to appear here, maybe once a week?"

"For real?"

He couldn't bear to mar the hope in her dim eyes, and hesitantly nodded. "So do stuff so we have something to talk about, okay?"

The corners of her lips curved slightly, but her dried-stiff face scrunched as she realized what he was doing. Fresh tears ran down the dried trails.

"Don't cry, Becky. I have to go."

She wiped at her eyes furiously, trying to see. "Love you."

"Same. See you. Oh, call Mom and Dad, you don't have to say much they just miss your voice."

Predawn lit the darkness in a glowy blue, signaling the end of the night.

"Okay, see you," she responded quickly, afraid he'd disappear before she said it. Then he did disappear, his ghostly form faded into the air. "Bye Lee," she said to the empty air in a broken whisper.

"Get some sleep, sis," a wispy voice replied.