Remember when I said I wouldn't write again? I lied

I decided to turn these two fics and an upcoming one into a trilogy, the "Chubby Head Trilogy". So, the last time it was Brain's pondering, and today, we go on a journey through the confused feelings of our favorite hamster scorned, Snowball!

This was difficult, almost cathartic to write (who hasn't ever been scorned, after all?) But it was super fun. I took some references from other fics, especially Goodbye Old Friend, by cresselia8themoon and Equivocal, by Mitchekie, both really good writers with great stories. And of course, this follows the episodes where Snowball appears, especially the one with the same name and the Brainwashed trilogy.

Enjoy this dark and angsty ride!


Oh my dearest Brain, I thought I had taught you well. At least better than this. I told you many, many times: the world is a cruel, uncaring place, and if you ever love something, somebody, be sure that those obtuse, over-evolved chimps will take it away from you. So you better not love at all.

I am aware that by telling you this, trying to protect you from the cruel world, I was, perhaps hypocritically, missing my own oaths. I didn't want you to suffer then. You were always oh so optimistic, thinking that you could make the world a better place if they only gave you the chance... Such was your naivete. But at least you were going on the right path. When those chimps separated us, as I anticipated they would, you didn't cry.

You didn't search for me despite having the intelligence to do so. You simply moved on with your life. And I was proud of your ability to separate mind from emotion, albeit a little bit hurt.

At least, and this thought comforted me, if I have taught you well, you'd never love anyone as you came to care for me in the years of our youth.

Oh, but I was sadly mistaken: you never wrote, you never called… I get it, you were trying to take over the world! just…. not with me. My mistake had a bitter taste.

That's when I decided to pursue your interest, conquer the world before you; partly just to spite you, and in another hidden part of my psique, maybe just looking to get your attention.

I told you not to love anybody, because I know it isn't worth our time. Our lives are already short and painful enough as they are. We're lab creatures,we had the losing deck from the moment we were born as rodents.

But you didn't listen, and as a result here we were, your valuable asset and me, living inside my mansion after I finally took over the world.

I should be happy. I took everything from you! I ruined your life just as you ruined mine! But there was a small annoying cloud on my parade: That lousy cross-eyed partner of yours was such a crybaby. Oh dear, three days in and my head was about to explode. All he ever did was whine, whine, whine! And call me by your name. I don't know if his pea sized brain was too small to fully comprehend that I was not the genius rodent he was used to, or maybe it was a coping mechanism.

"Snow-Brain, I'm hungry" He cried "There are no food pellets in the kitchen! Poit!" He whimpered while I was in an important reunion with the UN ambassadors, he always chimed in the middle of important business, goddammit!

I was starting to wonder how much of his stupidity was just an act to mess with me.

"We don't eat food pellets here, Pinky. I gave you a personal chef for that reason."

"I don't want him!" He pouted, shaking that snowglobe he carried around like a teddy bear.

What a nuisance! Did you really need to feel intellectually superior to someone else this desperately? Is this why you kept him around? Oh, Brain, always so insecure...

He started wailing, while the ambassadors looked around uncomfortably. Jesus. I sighed, trying to look kind in front of them

"Heh, he's such a funny chap" I told them, my voice exuding fakeness "Pinky, I'm kinda busy right now. Go play at your amusement park, will ya?" I patted the dirty fur on his back, making the mental note of washing my paw as soon as possible

"It bores me!" He pulled away from me as if I was the filthy one.

"Then what the hell does your vacant mind want? I fill up all your whims! I even gave you that custom jelly castle!"

"It's a prison! I want Brain back!" Pinky wailed

"It's not a prison"

"A gilded cage is still a cage! NARF!" He yelled, slamming the door behind him. An astute observation, I'll give him that. Which again, got me thinking of you. Almost everything does, but I digress.

Is this why you kept this inept mouse around you? For that keen observation every once in a blue moon? I mean, even a broken clock is right twice a day. Maybe he's smarter than he appears to be? Does he challenge your mind, Brain?

Why him, of all rodents? Why him and not me?

I cut off the meeting, my mind was in another place. It's impressive how you can ruin my life without even being on it; I just couldn't focus anymore. I followed the UN ambassadors outside the room, where Pinky waited for me, covered in green jello

"I recall you saying you didn't like the jello castle" I told him coldly

"I'm not talking to you, mister Square Pants! Zort!" He said, crossing his arms and turning his back at me

"That's an improvement" I sighed, and counted to five inside my head "Hey, Pinky" He turned to see me

"Hi, Snowball!" he waved enthusiastically. Beat. "Shoot!" his fist hit the floor, sending green jello everywhere, one bit of it between my eyes. I glared at him. He laughed anxiously, licked his finger and wiped my furrowed brow clean.

Such a lesser creature

Seriously, Brain, why him? A half eaten peanut has more intelligence.

"So, the reunion is over." I sighed, feeling my patience drained just by looking at those annoying blue eyes.

"Oh, was it something I said?" he chuckled "I'm sorry. Poit"

"Yes, you and your pathetic whines are to blame. So, Pinky, I recall you were throwing a tantrum, were you? What, oh almighty vice president of the World, could even be done to improve your miserable life inside my mansion?" He gave me a strange look, as if he was… thinking. But this was preposterous.

"Anything?" He asked softly

"Anything to keep you quiet and away from me."

"Well..." He started "I think my cage is a little too big."

"It's not a cage, Pinky it's a bedroom" Why was I even bothering with this? "Nevermind. Continue."

"It's the bed that's too big. You see, Brain and I-" He began, and then started crying, holding my arm with those filthy paws covered with jello "Oh, Snowball, Puh-leeze, let me go and find Brain! What if he's in danger? He's so tiny and his head's too chubby! And it's raining, what if he gets sick? Besides, he's not used to sleeping on his own! Poit!" He begged, and that last bit froze the blood inside my veins. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

"What did you just say?"

"Poit?"

"No, you imbecile! I don't give a damn for your Tourette's! You don't sleep in the same bed, do ya?" I pressed on

"Yep! Every night. You see, he can't sleep if he's not holding something."

I know. He would hold my hand when we were little, our bodies against the cold bars of our separate cages. But that was so long ago, who even remembers?

"So you cuddle with him every night?"

"Not every night, he wouldn't let me" He chuckled "just when he feels defeated. Oh, but Brain told me not to tell anyone." Pinky added. Such an idiot.

"What else did he tell you not to tell anyone?"

"Well, for example, the other day he was kinda sad, so we danced to cheer him up. It was fun-fun silly-willy! It was a waltz! Troz!" He waltzed with an invisible partner, twirling until he fell on the floor, laughing. "I have to lift him so we can dance, and I think he's embarrassed by that. His face was like a chubby tomato! Maybe that's why he doesn't want me to tell anyone."

"We also sing together! Like that song about dictators! He sometimes sings when he's pondering with that big head of his, and I love to hear him! He has such a lovely voice! And then, last Christmas…"

He continued talking, telling me of that time when you conquered the Earth and instead of doing something useful, you wished joy to the world and wept all over him, and later that night you called him "pretty" and passed out over his lap after drinking too much eggnog.

This was affluent, positively rich! I simply couldn't believe what came out of his mouth! But it had to be true, right? Lying required Pinky to have at least three neurons more than he already had.

You fool! Oblivious to your own feelings! I finally understood why you kept this simpleton around you! Valuable asset, my fluffy ass, you cherish him!

I told you not to do that. Must I keep giving you life's hardest lessons? I told you, if you loved something, the universe would rip it away from your hands.

Well, my dearest Brain, a Universe am I!

Apparently being the ruler of the World and knowing that you were a failure wasn't enough. I should have seen it coming, I'm never satisfied. I craved for your pain. On my sleepless nights, all I could think of was your downfall, in the hands of that dim-witted friend of yours, and all the ways that could happen. In my sweetest dreams I'd see you suffer and fall, and beg for your death in my tiny fuzzy paws. And it was oh so thrilling.

So I pondered. I knew eventually you'd be coming back, you stubborn little twit, and that's when the plan would be put in motion. I would threaten Pinky, maybe kill him (I hadn't planned that part thoroughly) and then watch you beg for his life. I wanted you on your knees, pleading, I longed to hear you cry. And I wanted you to admit it, admit that you had feelings for this pathetic clown, admit that you could feel something other than ambition

And explain why you didn't feel that for me.

It would be so delicious to hear you-

"Snow-Brain, what am I doing here?" An annoying voice interrupted my mental gloating. I sighed heavily and looked down.

On the floor, next to my throne, Pinky played absentmindedly with the glass shards of a broken snowglobe, his hands covered in gauze and dry glue.

"I don't assume you're expressing your philosophic raison d'etre, but I can assure you you don't have one. You have no reason to exist. You're just wasted molecules and spit"

"Like this?" He spit onto the floor some viscous saliva and slurped it back like it was pasta, then laughed, delighted. Ew.

"Even less than that. What do you mean?" He stopped laughing and stared at me.

"Well, you don't let me help you with your plans like Brain does. And you don't let me tell you bedtime stories. And you never bop me in the head! Narf! It's like… I didn't exist at all"

"Soon you won't, my empty headed friend." His inquirious stare told me he hadn't understood this "Your purpose here is nothing more than bartering. I want something Brain has"

"You already have the World. What else do you want to take from him?" He reasoned, for the first time. I came down from my throne to stand next to him.

"Oh no, not his wheel!" Pinky gasped and wept, hugging my feet "He loves his wheel! He can't live without- oh poit, wait a second. That's me" He chuckled.

I had to admire his ability to jump from one emotion to another in the blink of an eye.

"Stand up. Your tears are dirtying my paws" I scolded him "You see, my moronic servant, what I want, what only Brain can give me, is the satisfaction of knowing that his life is a nightmare, a living hell, and this all happened because he never agreed to be my second in command. We could have ruled together! But noooo he had to be nice and play fair and not kill anyone! How boring! But he'll come to regret everything, and by the end of it, I'll have Brain defeated, emasculated, haunted, wrapped around my little finger, BROKEN" I cackled evilly.

Pinky just stared blankly

"Did you know you're just like Brain? You open your mouth and strange sounds come out. Zort! That's why you were buddies!"

I decided to ignore him. After all, soon he would be silenced. Forever.

o-o-o

The plan… didn't work.

There were circumstances beyond my control. In this case your relationship, whatever it may be, was stronger than I anticipated. I underestimated both of you. In an ironically cruel twist of fate, it was Pinky who wrecked my plans. He messed with the wiring of my Bill Grapes mecha. If there's one thing he's good at, is destruction.

So I plotted again. And again, and again. And I failed every single time. And all the while you still tried to be that goody-two-shoes, trying to save me from drowning in the jungle, trying to help Billie… It was annoying. We could rule together. You weren't getting anywhere. Neither was I. The logical step was that you ditched that good for nothing idiot and come back to me. I knew you knew! It was science!

Why were you refusing to listen to science?

And then the Schmeerskahoven fiasco happened. As luck would have it, I was imprisoned by the same people I helped. Betrayed by the ones I built. And, while I was sitting in my jail cell, I started to notice that pattern of betrayal in my life, starting and finishing with you. The bitter taste lingered.

Then you entered the picture. Again.

It was dark. It was gloomy. Pinky was gone; after watching him slam against the glass door for ten minutes, you told him something I didn't quite catch and he frolicked away, singing.

We were alone once again next to each other, inside separate jail cells in a mental institute. This time there was no hole between us, no possibility of holding hands, not that I was thinking about it. Also, you were restrained anyway.

"Soooo" you spoke, your voice muffled by the Hannibal-esque mask they put over your mouth "Like the good ole days, huh? You, me, the cage..."

"I hate you" Was my response.

"It's mutual" you replied sternly "So Pinky went to see if he can find the keys. He'll be back in… Oh, no." your voice tinted with anguish. "We're doomed!"

"If I were him, I'd just abandon you and resume with my ploys of world conquest"

"Yes Snowball, that's exactly why Pinky, in all of his dim-witted glory, is my associate instead of you" you said smugly. Damn you, you knew that stung.

"Of course, who else would cure your owies, lull you to sleep, cuddle with you every night and lick the floor under your feet?" I asked with the most sarcastic affection I could conjure. You didn't have an answer, but how I wished to see your mortified face.

"How did you-?" You finally manage

"He told me everything when we were both the happiest rulers of the world" I sighed with fake affection. "Is that what you really want, Brain? An idiot who exalts you? Or someone who's your equal?"

"Pinky is my-" You began, but didn't finish that sentence. Of course you didn't. We both knew lying to yourself could only get so far. "Pinky is morally superior to anyone I've known, and he's especially superior to your reprehensible self" You finished.

"What good do morals do in this crapsack world?" I sighed. Right then, Pinky entered the room. He didn't have the keys (of course) but surprisingly he was holding a cheese cube in one paw and an apple slice on the other.

"Who's hungry? The choo choo train is ready to fly!" He sang and I felt repulsed by his childish tone.

"Pinky, those are airplanes. Airplanes are the ones that fly. Trains, on the other hand-" You sighed

"Ha ha! Silly Brain! A train wouldn't fit inside my hand! Narf!"

"It seems to me kindergarten is over" I said out loud. "And you better be quiet, unless you want to be locked down. Though I wonder if you'd be more useful that way."

You both ignored me, inside your own little world.

"Pinky, I told you to find a key" You said, and I noticed the lack of displeasure in your voice. Was that… patience? You, Brain, being patient with a lesser being?

"Well, this is cheese! And that is so much bettah! Now open that big mouth and let the choo choo plane in!" He shrieked in that Cockney accent of his, and I leaned forward, to see how this simpleton could make up the logic to fit the giant cheese cube in one of the three tiny ventilation holes on the glass pane.

I suppose Pinky caught me from the corner of his eye, because he quickly jumped in front of me

"Oh, I didn't forget about you, buddy! Here!" He took the slice of apple with those filthy paws of him, cut it into smaller pieces and handed them to me from the ventilation holes.

I was flabbergasted. I wasn't gonna eat something those filthy paws had touched! And he was talking to me like I was an… animal! Which I am, but that's besides the point. He must have mistaken my bewildered look for confusion, for he took one of the apple pieces and shoved it inside my mouth

"See? Its food! Yummy! Narf!" And my brain made the calculations needed to kill him with a button, but the apple juice ran refreshingly down my throat and I was so hungry, I decided to let it pass.

He did the same thing for you, but… with a different connotation. I was pretending to be looking out for the guards, however stupid they might be, but to be honest I was mostly staring at both of you.

You were once again inside a tiny little world, where there was only room for two. Like you were inside that snowglobe with the tiny Acme Lab Pinky carried around when we ruled the world.

He pinched tiny cheese balls that he would carefully slide down the narrow slits on your mask for you to eat. It was humiliating (for you), and your face was expressing this clearly: your ears were practically glowing and your eyes were glaring at him.

But you didn't complain, maybe just a tiny "Come on, Pinky, don't be absurd" that was quickly retorted "well, a Brain needs food for it's brain, Brain!" And for a while there was no sound, just a faint song.

A… song? Yes! Pinky was singing to you! Lulling you to sleep! I glanced at you guys, to see him singing like he belonged to a goddamn Disney movie, while patting your chubby head once in a while.

Oh, how pathetic! How ridiculous! How...

How could it be possible that such an image filled me with so much rage?

I groaned and told him to stop singing, probably waking you up in the process (you stopped snoring); that damn song was getting on my nerves. I told you to never love anybody! I told you it wasn't worth it, because I know it doesn't!

I've seen you, failing again and again and not once realizing that your failure has a name and a species, and it is a Mus musculus genetically altered. I know how you are and I know you'll never be happy until you rule the Earth.

Then why the heck are you happy and I'm not?

And it hit me.

Your happiness was making me unhappy. Your joy, your love, Pinky was making me unhappy. The world could be mine, and it still wouldn't matter, because somewhere over it you had everything you needed: a lab, a cage, a mousey friend. And somehow that would always be better than what I had.

Shocking as that revelation was, I didn't show any signs of anger. I remained peaceful as I could, almost amicable to you two, after all you were my ticket out of this place. And we remained like this for a while, even laughing together at Pinky's expense. I could see it in your eyes, Brain, how delighted you were of having me back in your team, how you thought you could have your cake and eat it too; and after all we were becoming friends again.

But don't be fooled, my dear Brain, we weren't becoming anything. When that evil cat locked us on the conveyor belt, about to turn us into normal animals for good, I pondered on how we were duped by the Universe itself, gloating in our suffering. We were nothing more than cosmic playthings, lab mice tortured by an omniscient force that made us care and watched us suffer. Oh, I told you not to care for anyone! I shouldn't have cared for you! But I did. In my own twisted way, my dearest friend and most loathed enemy, I did.

The only world in which I'll ever be happy is the one where you're not in it. Therefore, for harmony to exist, one of us would have to die. In that moment, trapped under the cage, it seemed it had to be you. C'est la vie, mon amie.

Unfortunately I realized, too little too late, before the light shone in front of my eyes, before ignorance blissfully blinded me once and for all, that life is an unfair game, and that fateful night, I-

Had the losing deck.


And then he died :3

Metaphorically, of course.

I don't think Pinky is that dirty, but I do imagine Snowball being a little bit obsessed with cleanliness. And then again, Pinky in general is a nuisance for him.

I hope you enjoyed this! I really enjoyed writing it. So join me the next time where I try to tackle the inner machinations of Pinky's mind, which are an enigma *milk carton falls down* in what I hope to be a more lightheaded story, more in line with the comedy of the show, for a change.

Thanks for reading!