what if i become him

the question burrowed at him as he lay on the green green grass under the blue blue sky

ronan's hand in his

"you won't" ronan had said when they got married and he saw the fear in his eyes

"i know" he had said

but he didn't mean it

because how could he not?

he may be under the trees and the fruit and among the cows and plants and free, but it would always be a part of him. always be in his blood in his veins in his heart in his mind

the dust and dirt and frigidity of his childhood

the one room trailer the closet off the main room

where he couldn't be seen

here in the farmhouse he shared a room with ronan

a big room and it wasn't the kitchen

but sometimes when it was early morning and the sun was still sleeping and ronan was still sleeping and the scent of still sleeping cows wafted up, he felt it

the confines around his heart his mind


what if i become him

that was the fear in his heart when they signed the papers

to bring the baby home

ronan looked at him and fingers intertwined with fingers and thumb stroked the back of hand

"you won't" ronan said

"i know" he said but how could he mean it?

surely he hadn't meant it either when he looked at the small child with blue eyes wide and innocent and blue

but he had

"you won't" ronan said again

he didn't answer


what if i become him

he watched the little boy playing, hands wrapped tight around the chains of the swing, legs pumping pumping pumping

and he imagined himself his veins his mind his heart filling with anger

he couldn't picture it but what if

what if what if

he couldn't risk it

"you won't." ronan said when he saw the suitcase. putting one hand on top. "you won't."

"you don't know that"

despairing eyes turning to ronan. help me.

"come here"

two sets of feet descending the stairs. the sun still sleeping.

moments later two sets of feet barefoot in the grass outside

mugs clasped in hands warming them fending off the cold dew of morning

"look" ronan said

eyes turned to the sun and the stars and the pink streaks across the sky

"what" he asked

"look"

he took in the beauty

the stillness

the birdsong stirring slowly quietly gently quietly

ronan turned to him

"that's what i see when i see you

not him

never him"

but-

"no"

what if-

"never"

i can't

turning away

hand caught hand

despairing eyes

what if i become him

the question burrowed into him invading his mind his heart his veins his soul

"you won't"

and he believed him

adam believed him