Trigger warning: mentions of miscarriage.

A/N: Thank you to everyone reading this story. It warms my heart that people are enjoying it. It will start to get better after this chapter, which I know is more painful and I'm sorry for that.

Your love and reviews are so encouraging and make it so worth it. Please don't hesitate to keep them coming! They help me to feel motivated and inspired to go on.

Thank you so so much to Luisa, who is a wonderful beta and friend.


The Waiting Game

Chapter 4

13 years earlier.

Donna expelled a shaky breath as she knocked at his door. She didn't want to be the nervous wreck she'd become, but no amount of deep breathing was making it better. She bit her lip in anticipation.

"Donna," Harvey said when he opened the door. He was surprised to find her stood there and even more surprised to see her not quite as put together as he'd expect. "Hey," he said in a softer voice.

"Can I come in?" she asked nervously and he nodded before he opened the door further.

He followed her inside his new apartment—which she had helped to find—towards his breakfast counter, where she placed her bag and a steadying hand.

"You might want to sit down," she told him and watched as his brows furrowed.

"Donna, what's wrong?" Harvey asked worriedly. Was it Donna? Was it the Clifton merger? The Strand accounts?

"I'm pregnant," she replied quietly. "It's yours."

His mouth dropped open and the colour drained from his face at the news. It rendered him speechless, completely at a loss for words. When he'd left work that evening, it was the last thing he'd expected to discover.

"Say something," Donna said after a few moments. He could see in her eyes how desperate her plea was; she needed a response and he found himself scrambling around in his mind looking for something.

"How long have you known?" he managed to ask.

"This afternoon."

"Do you," he began, hesitant to ask for fear of saying the wrong thing. "Do you want to keep it?"

"I don't know," Donna replied and her voice quivered. She searched his face for a sign, to find a clue as to what he wanted, but all she could see was shock and a tinge of fear.

"Me neither," he said, preemptively.

.

Only a few months after Donna resigned from her position at the firm, she and Thomas moved west to Seattle. His business was expanding across the country and with Mike and Rachel over there, it seemed like the obvious choice of location. It offered up somewhat of a fresh start but provided enough familiarity to feel welcoming.

Donna leaned right into it. Whether it was decorating their new house or seeing the new sights, she was making the most of every second. They spent a lot of time with Mike and Rachel, for which she was most grateful, and transferred her HR role to the New York agency's sister company. Her hours were far less demanding than when she was COO and she loved the freedom it gave her as she walked into this new life with Thomas.

She barely thought about Harvey. There were a couple of moments where he lingered on her mind. One time, Rachel asked her about the way they left things, knowing Donna had felt they were drifting while in New York.

It wasn't planned, at least not by her and as far as she could tell, not by Harvey either. It just happened. Sometimes she chastised herself for not seeing it sooner and stopping it. They'd been different for a while, truth be told, and her being with Thomas widened the distance that had emerged.

Donna leaving to work for Louis and Harvey dating Paula caused both of them immense pain. It was collateral damage both times, the pain. Donna never wanted to hurt Harvey when she left him, but it was her or him and she knew that if she didn't put herself first, she wouldn't have recognised who she'd become.

She hadn't quite wrapped her head around Harvey's last girlfriend though. She understood he wanted the relationship to work but she still thought it was strange that they were together at all. And part of her wondered whether she still wasn't over it even months after.

The distance between her and Harvey had weighed on her mind so very heavily when she was still in New York. Hell, when they worked together, she felt it slipping away but couldn't pluck up the courage to fix it. That feeling didn't leave after she resigned and didn't completely dissipate when they left New York, but she thought about it less.

In Seattle, she wasn't going to run into Harvey. There were no painful reminders, reminders of who they used to be or dreams she used to have. It was a clean slate and it was working. She was happy. Happy with Thomas and not worrying about Harvey.

Until one day, with only three months of Seattle under their belts, Donna was hit with a realisation that knocked her for six.

She was late.

Donna Paulsen ran like clockwork and she knew her body impeccably, she knew before she'd even purchased a test what the result would be and the anxiety crept through her with waves of nausea. Palpitations carried her through a tense three minutes, even though she knew what the outcome was going to be. Positive.

It knocked the wind straight out of her sails. Donna hated being blindsided and this was no exception, as the realisation of how much her life was about to change hit her like a tonne of bricks.

She'd thought about having children before, sure, but there was always a common component that wasn't around anymore. It made her feel guilty, so guilty, that she was happily married and just received the biggest news of her and her husband's life yet her mind shot to another man first.

She supposed it was natural, though, to think of him after what they'd been through and what had happened. The repressed memory crept to the surface and churned around her mind. It fuelled a new anxiety, one that replaced the initial fear of not being ready as the heaviest burden to carry.

Donna left work a little early, unable to concentrate from the anxiety and uncertainty that had built inside. She paced and cleaned and tried to busy herself with menial tasks—because she couldn't concentrate on anything that required thought—as she waited for Thomas to get home, and he didn't fail to notice her strange demeanour.

"What has gotten into you?" he asked over dinner. He tried to keep it light-hearted, conceal his concern for her. He'd never seen her so antsy, even when she was stressed before their wedding.

"Hm?" Donna mumbled as she pushed her pasta around her plate.

"Come on, Donna, what's going on? I'm worried about you," he said softly and she felt her heart warm, his care for her so evident.

He really cared about her. He was invested in her interests, her feelings, her job. She felt appreciated to no end. She felt loved to no end, and she was grateful with every day that passed because she'd worried for a long time that she might never get that.

"I need to tell you something," Donna replied quietly and she watched as Thomas sat up straighter, brows furrowed. "And it's not bad, I don't think, but everything is moving so fast and I-"

"Donna," he butted in, wishing she'd jump straight to it instead of stalling. He watched her mouth hang open a little and her eyes widen as she prepared to speak.

"I'm pregnant," she said finally and relief plastered itself across his face. The beaming smile that spread across his cheeks made Donna feel instantly better about it. They'd spoken briefly about children but they'd had no serious conversations, so the happiness he emanated calmed some of her worries.

"Oh my god," he said breathlessly. "Donna, that's…" he stopped himself before he spoke to note her expression. It had softened and she looked a lot less concerned, and he was unsure as to why it had worked her up so much.

"Why is it worrying you?" he asked gently and Donna smiled at his question. His emotional availability and his willingness to talk about their feelings were some of the best aspects of their relationship. Not that she suddenly found openness and vulnerability easy to show, but his encouragement of it provided a safety net that helped coax her feelings out of her.

She sighed before she spoke.

"Because everything is moving so fast," she confessed. "And I don't know how ready I feel, and I wasn't sure how ready you'd feel," she continued. Thomas watched her abruptly stop and look down, letting go of a heavy breath and he could tell there was something she wasn't telling him.

"Hey. Whatever it is, you can tell me," he said encouragingly and Donna bit her lip. It was something she didn't talk about. Something she hadn't spoken about to anyone except Harvey, and not since it happened over a decade earlier, but she knew it was bound to come out at an appointment so she bit the bullet.

"It was a long time ago," she prefaced, voice slightly shaky, "but I had a miscarriage."

Her revelation took Thomas by surprise and he found himself full of sudden sadness.

"I, I'm sorry," he managed to say.

"It's okay," she replied, though she wasn't entirely sure whether it was. "It was a long, long time ago. I just…"

"Can't help but worry," he said when she failed to finish her sentence.

.

"You didn't have to come up," Donna said quietly, breaking the silence.

"I wanted to," Harvey replied softly as he approached the back of the couch. "Here," he passed her a rooibos tea.

"Thank you," she said, her tone serious and sincere.

"It's just tea."

"No, it's not," she smiled. "I'm sorry I was short with you last night, I just needed time to myself."

"I know," he replied as he sat down on the couch, leaving enough distance between them to feel comfortable. Before the previous night, Harvey hadn't been in her apartment since that night several weeks before and it felt dangerous. But when she'd called and he'd heard the panic in her voice, he'd hurried over in an instant.

He'd found her in her bathroom, leant against the tub and not even changed out of her work dress. Her eyes were red-rimmed and puffy, her cheeks glistened from the tears she'd shed. He'd grabbed a change of clothes for her, reminded her she'd be more comfortable in joggers and she knew he was right.

They knew what the doctors were going to say before they said it, but it didn't hurt any less. He looked to Donna, who was fighting the urge to fall apart, her eyes filled to the brim with tears that blurred her vision.

"Hey," he'd said, as he'd placed his hand on hers as she sat in her hospital bed. She'd pulled away, scared she'd break beneath his touch.

"Please go," she'd choked out and Harvey went to protest only for her to stop him before a word could leave his lips. "Please, Harvey… just go."

She wouldn't look at him and it took every fibre of his being but he did as she wished and left her bedside. He left because he knew that as much as this was hurting him, it hurt her a whole lot more, and if this was what she needed then so be it.

He'd picked her up from the hospital in the morning.

"How are you feeling?" Donna asked as they sat on her couch and it almost infuriated Harvey.

"Aren't I the one who should be asking you that?"

She shuffled in her seat before she sipped her tea.

"Harvey, you lost-" she paused. She wasn't ready to say the words out loud, that she'd lost a baby — their baby. "It, too," she finished.

He swallowed.

"How do you think I feel?" that was the Harvey she knew, running from vulnerability. And she didn't blame him. He knew that she knew, so why would he want to verbalise it.

"I'm sorry, Harvey," she choked out and he was sure he felt his heart physically sink upon hearing it.

"Donna-"

"I'm so sorry," she said and bit her bottom lip when it wobbled. Her eyes had glazed over and Harvey placed a cautious hand on her knee.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," he told her.

"It's almost like my body knew we…" she couldn't say it, but Harvey got the idea.

When they found out, neither knew what to do or what they wanted. They'd considered the possibility of a termination, and it was only a consideration. There was no real conversation about one because they both realised that they wanted to keep the baby, but there'd been mentions of it and he knew Donna had thought deeply about what she wanted.

He didn't think too hard about it, he didn't feel it was his place. It was Donna's body, not his, and he wasn't going to tell her what to do either way.

"You heard the doctors, Donna, these things just… happen," he said, and that fact didn't make the grief easier to deal with but if he could use it to stop her blaming herself then he goddamn would.

.

"I wasn't expecting to hear from you," Lipschitz said to Harvey who was sat on the couch opposite him.

"I wasn't expecting to call," Harvey admitted.

"What changed your mind?"

"Donna's pregnant," he revealed.

"Ah," Lipschitz let out and Harvey scoffed.

"Yeah, 'ah'," he retorted. "Mike told me; said he didn't want me to find out through other people."

"Are you glad he did?" Lipschitz asked.

"I guess," Harvey replied. He was. "Mike's birthday is coming up soon, so at least it won't come as a shock."

"Are you going over to Seattle for it?"

"Yeah, yeah, he mentioned having a party on the phone," Harvey said.

"Will Donna be there?"

"Probably," Harvey said, eyes down to avoid the therapist's knowing gaze. "Look, I am happy for her," he quickly followed up with.

"I didn't say you're not," Lipschitz reminded him and Harvey sighed at his own defensiveness. "Does it bother you?"

Harvey gritted his teeth and fleetingly raised his brows before he relented and answered.

"Maybe," he grunted. It did, massively.

It wasn't something he thought about often, but the odd times he had thought about parenthood, it always involved Donna. Whether that was because of what had happened years prior or the undeniable feelings he held for her, he wasn't sure. The news of Donna's pregnancy hurt him. The wedding had been difficult enough, then her leaving, but something about this felt so much more final.

Not just final, it almost felt like a betrayal. And he hated that he felt that way. Their loss had hurt Donna beyond words, he'd seen it. She'd tried to hide it, pretend she was okay, but he saw through it. He thinks it was the first time he'd seen through her fa?ade like that. She'd be all smiles and banter, full of witty repartee, then there'd be moments where he'd catch the glimmer of sadness in her eyes. Hopelessness and grief that haunted her like a ghost before she'd plaster a smile over the top of it.

He was happy she was going to be a mother because he knew how great she'd be. She'd been looking after everyone for years and it made sense, she'd have a little version of herself to care for.

It just hurt that he couldn't share that life with her.

"I feel like everyone's moving on with their lives and I'm stuck here, in a life of regret," he confessed and he swore Lipschitz nearly smiled as he jotted something down.

"We can work on that," Lipschitz said, grateful Harvey was letting him in.

.

Harvey walked across Mike and Rachel's driveway filled with a sense of dread. He was happy to be seeing his friends again, knew it would be a good party with good food and lots of alcohol he could lose himself to, but the reminder of her presence niggled at the back of his brain and had done for weeks. He planned to avoid her best he could. Louis and Sheila had stayed in New York with their daughter Lucy but Katrina had been invited and he knew Samantha would be her plus one. The couple had started seeing each other a few months prior.

He rang the doorbell and it quickly swung open, Mike greeting him with a half-empty bottle of beer in his hand.

"Old man!" He grinned.

"Last I checked, you're not getting any younger," Harvey said and his friend pulled him in for a hug.

"It's great to see you," Mike said as he pulled away. "Come in, come in," he beckoned with his free hand.

"Where do you want me to put this?" Harvey asked as he flapped an envelope.

"There are other presents in the living room, we're not expecting people to end up in there so they'll be out the way," Mike explained.

"Alright, I'll be through in a second," Harvey said as Mike walked past the living room door and into their open-plan kitchen-diner.

He pushed on the ajar door to enter the room only to freeze at the sight before him. He knew it was her before she even looked up at him, all red hair and freckles. But when their eyes locked, he almost forgot how to breathe. Those familiar hazel orbs he didn't go a day without missing, that had smiled at him and healed him for years prior.

"Hey," Donna said, interrupting the quiet moment.

"Hey." He wet his lip before he could continue to talk. "I hear congratulations are in order," he smiled softly and Donna instinctively placed a hand on her growing bump. She was 5 months pregnant and, while it wasn't her favourite experience in the world—after the morning sickness, intense emotions and the very real baby brain—, even Donna couldn't deny that she was glowing.

"Thanks," she said, suddenly at a loss for words. It was infuriating; she had so much to say and no voice to say it with.

"Do you know what you're having?"

"A girl," Donna smiled and Harvey smiled back, but he couldn't ignore the plummeting feeling inside when she said it.

Whenever he'd let himself think about what they almost had, their baby was always a girl. They didn't find out, the rug pulled from under them before they could, but a daughter was what he pictured. A daughter with Donna's red hair and his smile, the pointy Paulsen nose and dark, Harvey Specter eyes.

"I'm happy for you, Donna," Harvey said.

"Thank you, Harvey."

He stepped towards the pile of gifts on an armchair to his left, located in front of the large, closed sliding doors that separated them from the rest of the party.

"What's got you hiding out in here then?" He asked as he placed the envelope—which contained a gift card, Donna had always been the one who bought the presents—onto the pile.

"I can't find my phone," she sighed. "I know I had it when I arrived but what I did with it, I don't know," she said, nearly laughing at her misfortune.

"Could it be this one?" Harvey asked, picking up a phone that had slipped down the arm of the chair.

"I looked over there!" Donna chuckled, stepping towards him and he met her halfway, arm extended as he offered her device up. "Thank you," she smiled. "How are you?"

"Um," he stumbled, "fine, yeah, same as ever. How are you?"

"I'm good," she said so quietly he almost couldn't hear it. And as they stood there, staring into eyes that felt like home, neither knew what to say next. It wasn't an awkwardness, there was no discomfort. They just took the moment in.

There was something so comforting, so special, about being in each other's company. They didn't need to say anything because they never needed words, not really. Their lingering gazes were filled with unspoken promises of 'I miss you' and 'I still need you'.

"There you are," a voice interrupted them and Harvey clenched his jaw when it stole Donna's gaze away. "I wondered where you'd got to," Thomas said.

"I couldn't find my phone," she replied. "Goddamn baby brain."

They didn't speak much for the rest of the party. Donna avoided Harvey and Harvey avoided Donna. There was too much to say, to think about, to feel. Too much baggage.

Donna couldn't help but steal a glance right before she and Thomas left for the night, only to meet his eyes. She let it linger, wondered whether he would say goodbye this time around, but he didn't. He pursed his lips and she tore her eyes away, and she didn't mind. She couldn't, it was her who did it to them.

She let that distance grow and grow, now she had to accept the consequences.

.

Emily Elizabeth Kessler was born on a Saturday morning, 10:14 am to be exact.

It was an uncomplicated, 7-hour labour. Rain lashed against the hospital windows, welcoming her to the world in typical Seattle fashion.

Donna was completely in awe of her. The moment she was placed on her chest, Donna was absolutely besotted. 7lbs1oz, a fine layer of dark brown hair on her head, grey eyes she was excited to see change in colour over the months ahead.

She was overcome with relief at the indescribable yet immense love she felt. She'd been worried. Despite the knowledge that she was carrying a child and despite her very affectionate and attentive husband, there was an emptiness that burrowed itself inside of her. When she thought about it, really thought about it, it had been there for years. But then she met Thomas, and it seemed to go away. She thought that might be it, that Thomas was her key to happiness. Only for it to re-emerge, sneak its way back in. So, then she proposed and they got married and the emptiness faded again.

Only for a while though. It didn't take long for it to return and saddle her with a feeling of deep unhappiness, for which she was overwhelmed with guilt because she was in a great job and married to the perfect man. Even when she found out she was pregnant, that emptiness loomed from within. She had everything, so why did she feel like she was never going to be truly happy?

Not that she didn't experience happiness. Her life was full of it. An abundance of joy and laughter and love, which made the niggling emptiness even more frustrating and dumbfounding. And she cursed herself for being so good at reading everyone else's emotions, helping them to feel heard and respected while failing so massively to deal with her own.

It wasn't news to her. It wasn't the first time she was at a loss in her emotional life and she was sure it wouldn't be the last.

She'd quit her job while pregnant. She'd talked it through with Thomas, who told her he would support whatever she wanted most. And she didn't really know whether she wanted it or not, but she felt trapped in a life that wasn't meant to be hers, and it was a desperate attempt at finding happiness.

But then Emily arrived and the emptiness disappeared.

Donna and Thomas' friends and family visited over the course of the next few weeks. Rachel and Mike were first in the hospital, gushing and cooing. Louis and Sheila flew over to see them with Lucy. Her parents stayed for a while, Thomas' too. They received a congratulatory card from Harvey and she didn't even flinch. It didn't weigh on her mind, she didn't ponder a life with him and she certainly didn't mind the short, disinterested message of "congratulations" inside. She was too busy to.

Life was hectic but she loved it. She loved watching her daughter change and grow and discover. The regret she'd felt after resigning, the fear she'd made a mistake, completely dissipated because she was spending time with Emily and it was time she'd never get back.

Harvey's life was hectic, too, and although he'd always thrived on the busy corporate life, he wasn't necessarily enjoying it anymore.

He'd buried himself in cases, what he thought would be a welcome distraction from the what-ifs that plagued his mind, but he simply found himself more stressed with less sleep. He felt like shit.

Mike had told Harvey when Donna had given birth but she'd become a forbidden topic of conversation after that. Whenever they caught up with each other, Mike would purposely avoid bringing her up and Harvey wouldn't ask.

When he wasn't at work, he was running or boxing. After Mike's birthday, he wound up drinking obscene amounts of alcohol every day for 3 weeks. Every day he told himself that day would be a new day and he wouldn't fall into bed with a head woozy from whiskey, but he'd leave work stressed and dwell on what his life was missing.

Until one day, he didn't. He was still stressed and busy with work, and he went to pour himself a measure of his favourite tipple only to stop. And for the first time in 3 weeks, he was able to wake up earlier for a run and go into work with a clear head. He felt so much better for it.

And things started to feel better for Harvey. Acceptance seeped into his life and filled the cracks and fissures that had painted his heart. He thought less about Donna and less about what he lost.

But his love life wasn't exactly thriving. He went on a couple of dates over the months that followed, but he wasn't interested in any of the women he was supposed to be getting to know. No one was good enough. No one lived up to her. And he began to accept that maybe, no one ever would.

.

Harvey was grateful when he and Mike finally made plans for him to fly over to Seattle. It had been a long time since he'd last seen his friend, well over 2 years—not since the birthday party.

He'd been hesitant at first, used work as an excuse to avoid being in the same city as Donna, but he relented at long last when he realised that it didn't matter.

He'd grown to accept that maybe, he and Donna weren't meant to be. Their time had passed, the moment slipped between their fingers, and they were onto the next chapters. Perhaps they'd see each other scarcely, familiar faces there to support mutual friends through life's endeavours, nothing more than smiles across a room.

Harvey was no longer part of her life, and Donna was no longer part of his. Although he knew it would've been nice to stay in touch, to avoid the all-or-nothing that their complicated relationship had seemed to entail, but he didn't dwell on wishful thinking that he couldn't fulfil.

He had started to lean into life as a single man and, as far as his mind wandered into the future, he wasn't interested in finding love or a relationship.

He texted Mike as he boarded his flight to Seattle to let him know he was on the way. There was no response when he landed but Harvey didn't bat an eyelid as he climbed into a taxi, heading to Mike and Rachel's home anyway.

He'd not spoken to Mike since a few days before but he didn't have any reason to question the plans. If something had changed, Mike would tell him, he was sure.

He pulled his phone out as he climbed out of the taxi outside their house, bag in hand, and checked to see if he'd received a reply as he walked towards the door. He was a little surprised to find none but brushed it off as he rang the doorbell and slotted his phone back into his jean pocket.

A few moments passed and he nearly turned around to leave on the assumption no one was home, but the door swung open and he felt the shock consume his entire being.

He was frozen, rooted to the spot with his mouth hanging open. They were both silent, overwhelmed, and Harvey had to fight the urge to bolt.

"Donna."