Chapter twenty two:

HYDE

"Hyde, you alright man?" I hear Forman's voice and I'm brought back to reality.

If I'm alright? Of course I'm not alright! Jackie is alone with her stupid bitch of a mother for over half an hour and I'm not there to protect her! How the hell am I supposed to know she's okay?

"That was a stupid question" Fez answered

"I'm fine," I reply, not looking at any of them.

"I'm not" I hear Donna's voice "What the fuck are we supposed to do?"

"Well, when my grandpa died, I… I don't know, for a while I needed a few seconds to breathe, but then I just wanted to be close to the people I love" Eric answers

"When my uncle died, my dad was pretty sad" Kelso says "He got real sad for a few weeks, but after a while he was okay again… although Jackie looks way worse than my father did"

I repress the urge to run out of the basement and go check on her. I glance at my watch, half an hour. I need to wait just half an hour, I promised myself I would leave her with her mother for an hour and that's it.

"Are you all dumb or something?" Donna's voice sounds heavy, and I know she's trying not to cry "Jackie has been through a lot in her life, a lot. Her mother is the worst person I know, and she had her heart broken at least a million times! Not only by Hyde and Kelso, by the way! We all disappointed her at some point! Fez made her feel like an object, Eric made her feel unwanted and I used to take her friendship for granted!"

I look up and I see guilty looks on everyone's faces. Donna's right. We were all dillholes with Jackie at some point.

"Jackie may come out as shallow and bitchy, but she has a good heart, and she's been there for all of us whenever we went through something bad" Donna states "She just lost the one person who she knew loved her unconditionally. The one person who's love she never doubted. I cannot imagine how she's feeling right now"

I run my hands across my face. Donna's so fucking right, and I'm so scared.

"You guys haven't really seen how she was when it was just the two of us in Chicago" Donna starts, and I close my eyes. I hate hearing about those times, I hate the fact that I was once the cause of her pain "Jackie was like… really sad. She wasn't her usual, bossy cheerful self, she wasn't excited about anything anymore. She only got out of the house to go to work and that was it. She started to get better after a while, but it wasn't the same. I've only seen her happy again when Hyde got his head out of his ass and decided to do the right thing."

I swallow nervously. It took me 6 months to fight for her, and in those 6 months, we both were so fucking miserable. I was an ass and I can never beat myself up enough for it.

"At least back then, she still had that Jackie sparkle in her eyes. That's how I knew that she eventually would be herself again." Donna continues, and a few tears leave her eyes "Now her eyes are completely dull and I don't know what the fuck am I supposed to do to make things better for her"

I feel the back of my eyes burning and I was never so thankful I'm wearing my shades. I'm trying not to be "a robot", as Jackie used to call me, and I'm trying to be more open to my friends and family. But the only person allowed to see the real me and know all my thoughts is Jackie.

Today was a terrible day. Jackie looked like a ghost, she cried a little but not as much as I expected. She's trying to be strong but I know she's going to break soon.

I love her so much, and seeing her like this is awful. I want to be near her all the time, I need to catch her if she falls.

I look around the room and I notice Fez is softly crying on Kelso's shoulders, and Eric's hugging Donna. I should be holding Jackie right now.

20 minutes. 20 more minutes and I'll sneak into that house and she won't be alone anymore.

"What time are you going back there?" Donna asks me after a few minutes

I look at my watch again "In about 15 minutes"

"Will you bring her here?" Fez asks hopefully

"I don't think she'd want to be around so many people at once" I say honestly "Nothing against any of you guys, it's just that… She's been through a lot and she hates being vulnerable near people"

"Sounds like someone I know" Eric mumbled

"She also haven't slept for like, two days" Donna says

"Yeah, there's also that" I say, giving Kelso, Fez and Eric an apologetic look. I know they all care about her deeply, but I don't want to make her uncomfortable. "She needs to sleep"

"It's alright man, we get it" Forman answers me with a small sad grin on his face

"Yeah, just make sure she's alright" Kelso gave his input "We'll be back tomorrow if that's okay"

"Yeah, I'll let you guys know" I answer

"We're going then" Fez says, getting up from the couch "But if I don't get an update on my goddess tomorrow I will kill someone"

Kelso follows Fez out the door, mumbling something about going to see Betsy and Brooke.

"Are you staying?" Eric asks Donna, and she sighs

"I don't know." She answers "I want to make sure she's okay but I also feel like she might be more comfortable with just Hyde for now"

"I'm bringing her to the basement if I can" I say "If she wants to stay at her place with me I'll call and let you guys know, but I think you should be upstairs or something, so I could get you if she needs you"

"Yeah, that sounds good" Donna smiles softly at me, and I take another glance at my watch. 5 minutes. Yeah, 5 minutes it's how long it takes me to drive there, I'm going now.

"Alright I'm leaving" I state, I'm feeling kind of anxious right now, and I just want to go check on my chick, I have this weird feeling that something happened and I won't be able to breathe properly until I make sure she's okay.

"We'll be upstairs with my parents if you need something," Forman says and I nod before getting the hell out.


I kill the engine of my car and take a quick look at the house. The Lincoln is gone, which means that Pam is probably not home.

Typical.

Whatever, it's better this way. I try to enter through the front door, there's no reason to climb through Jackie's window if Pam's not here, but the door is locked. I was about to ring the doorbell when I heard a muffled scream.

Jackie.

Nothing else matters anymore. I have to see Jackie now. I run into the old oak tree that leads to her window and I climb it easily. I've become an expert in climbing trees the summer Jackie and I started to hook up and her father was still at home.

But now I can see her room through her window, and nothing could've prepared me for what I saw.

Her room is a mess, there's broken glass everywhere on the floor, some of her furniture is destroyed and what the fuck?

Jackie is kneeling on the floor, her body is shaking with uncontrollable sobs, and shit!

"Jackie..." I choke out, and I run to her. What the fuck just happened? My heart is beating frantically on my chest, I feel the back of my eyes burning and FUCK! My babydoll is broken and what the fuck am I supposed to do now?

I dodge all the broken objects, and I quickly lift her from the floor and grab her in my arms. I knew something was going to happen, I knew I shouldn't have let her spend the night in the same house as her mother, I knew that and this is all my fucking fault.

She has a nasty cut on her left forearm that is bleeding like crazy, and her legs… I think she knelt on the broken pieces of glass on the floor, because all I can see is blood, her knees are bleeding so much, the blood is running down her legs and fuck fuck fuck, I can't see her like this man, I gotta do something.

She finally had her breakdown and it was way worse than anything I could've predicted. Pam definitely was the trigger, I just need to know what the fuck she did because my doll is hurt and sobbing profusely in my arms and I don't know what the fuck am I supposed to do.

She buries her head on my chest and I wish I could poke my eardrums right now, because all I can hear is Jackie sobbing uncontrollably and yelling in agony in my arms. This is killing me, seeing her like this is killing me.

Her tears are cutting into me like a pair of meat shears, ripping me open from stomach to throat, and fuck, that hurts.

"Shh… it's alright baby, I'm here" I say, but her sobs were growing even harder, driving her pain straight into me. My lips dropped to her shoulder, and I started to press small kisses in the area, pulling her closer to me, trying to comfort her. I should thank the universe that Pam is not home right now, because I would fucking kill her. I'm not exaggerating, if I see this woman right now she's dead, I would kill her and I wouldn't feel bad about it.

I run his fingers through Jackie's hair, tucking her head under my chin, rubbing her back with my free hand. I kiss her head a few times, and I know the movement is a bit desperate but I need to calm her down, I need to know what happened, I need her to talk to me. Instinctively, she wraps her arms around my waist, tightly clutching my shirt as I begin to lightly rock her back and forth.

"Babydoll, please calm down, please..." I whisper to her, but so far, nothing. So I just hold her tight, whispering desperate words in her ear in a failed attempt to get her to calm down.

I can feel my shirt getting wet with what I assume it's her blood. She's bleeding too much, I need to get her out of here, I need to take her to a hospital. So I pick her up and she wraps her arms on my neck, still sobbing uncontrollably.

"Shh… it's okay baby" I whisper while I walk down the stairs with her on my arms.

I take a quick glance at the kitchen as I walk to the foyer, there's an empty wine glass on the counter, near a small pile of papers. I roll my eyes and I leave this fucking hell hole, carrying my doll with me. If it's up to me, Jackie's never stepping a foot in this place ever again.

I place Jackie carefully on the passenger seat of my car, and I start the engine.

"Jackie, dollface, I'm taking you to the hospital, alright? You need to get these checked out" I say, not expecting an answer and starting to drive.

"No hospital" She says in between sobs

"Baby, I gotta take you to the hospital, I'm not letting you bleed to death!" I answer, trying to be as gentle as humanly possible

She lifts her head off my shoulder and I get to take a proper look at her face for the first time. Her eyes are bloodshot red and puffy, and her exquisite face is wet and pink from all the tears that fell in the last hour.

"No hospital, please" She says in the most broken tone I've ever heard, and it fucking hurts me

"Fuck!" I accidentally yell in exasperation, not at her, but at the universe. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do, because Jackie flinched and started to sob harder.

I am such a fucking moron.

"No, no, no baby, I'm sorry, come here" I plead to her, stopping the car and engulfing her in my arms again. Her head went back into my chest and I hold her tight against me "I'm sorry doll, I didn't mean to scare you"

She tried to answer me but everytime she tried to say something she sobbed even harder, so I kept holding her and kissing the top of her head.

"I'm just… you're hurt, I don't like seeing you hurt. Let me take you to the hospital baby, please" I say tenderly, stroking her hair

"No" She said, shaking her head and crying "They will think I'm crazy, and you probably think I'm crazy too"

"I don't" I answer, I can't deny I'm kind of hurt she thought that, but I understand "When Edna abandoned me I broke almost every single shit at my old house"

I noticed how my last sentence made her calm down a little, she's relating to me, she's feeling understood, that's good.

But that doesn't erase the fact that she's still bleeding.

"Can I take you to Mrs. Forman then?" I ask "She's a nurse, she'll help you out, but if she says you need to go to the hospital then I'm taking you to the hospital, doll"

I feel her nodding and that's good enough for me. I kiss the top of her head one last time before restarting the engine. She laid on my lap, still crying, my hand alternating between handling the gearshift and stroking her hair gently.

As I park in the Forman's driveway, she starts to sob frantically again. I grab her in my arms and she buries her head on my shoulder, hiding her face. She doesn't want people to see her like this.

I take a deep breath and I kiss the top of her head before opening the sliding door and heading inside. I wish I could make things better for her, seeing Jackie like this is almost killing me.

"OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED?!" I hear Donna's voice and out of nowhere there's four people standing in front of me.

Eric, Donna, Red and Mrs. Forman were all staring worriedly at the sobbing and bleeding Jackie that I'm currently carrying in my arms, I pressed a quiss on top of her head and looked at Mrs. Forman. She immediately understood what I'm asking for and started to order people around.

"Eric, get me a first aid kit, Steven, take the girl to the bathroom and start the shower, I need to clean those scratches. Donna, go get my special pills and a bottle of water please" She said, and we all went to do what we were told.

Mrs. Forman followed me to the bathroom. I started the shower and Mrs. Forman helped me undress Jackie. We hear a knock on the bathroom door and Donna enters with water, pills and the first-aid kit in hands.

"Oh, great Donna, thank you" Mrs. Forman says. Jackie is now wearing only a bra and panties, and Mrs. Forman tries to guide her to the shower. Jackie doesn't go. She looks pleadingly at me and I remove my shoes before getting inside the shower with her, with my clothes on.

"What can I do now?" Donna asks. The look on her face is agonizing, she's feeling useless. I get it, I feel the same way.

"Can you go to her house and bring her stuff here?" I ask, tugging Jackie under the warm water, and washing the excess blood off of her while Mrs. Forman examines her knees.

"Yeah, sure" She says "I'll ask Eric to drive me there"

"The keys are under the Buddha statue in the front yard" Jackie says quietly, startling me for a sec. I look at Donna and she just nods, closing the bathroom door.

"Honey, what happened?" Mrs. Forman asks Jackie, hoping she'd answer

"I fell into broken pieces of glass on the floor" She answers, her voice breaking a little

Mrs. Forman nods and goes to the medicine cabinet to grab some tweezers. Jackie lays her head back on my shoulder and I hold her tight.

"You doing better?" I ask. Her sobs subsided a lot, but she still looks so pained that it hurts me.

"I'm so, so tired" Her voice broke a little and I kissed the top of her head.

"We're just going to clean you up and then you can rest, okay?"

"Will you stay with me?"

"Always, doll"

"Okay" She whispered, relaxing in my arms.

After shampooing her hair and helping Mrs. Forman to clean out her cuts, I wrapped Jackie in a towel and she sat on a stool Mrs. Forman brought. I grabbed a towel for myself and removed my wet, bloody shirt.

"Why don't you go grab a few clean clothes for you both?" Mrs. Forman said "I'll stay here with Jackie and bandage her up"

I looked at Jackie and she nodded, so I kissed her forehead and ran to my room on the back of the basement. In just a few seconds I was fully dressed again. I grabbed one of my shirts and an old pair of gym shorts I never wore for Jackie to wear. On my way back upstairs I tossed my wet jeans and boxers on the washing machine.

When I arrived back to the bathroom, Jackie was crying softly as Mrs. Forman cleaned the cut in her arm. I rush to her side.

"What is it, are you in pain?" I ask desperately, cupping her face on my hands. She shook her head and buried her head on my chest.

Both of Jackie's knees were bandaged and Mrs. Forman was still analyzing Jackie's arm, she seemed unsure of what to do with it, so she went to check the first-aid kit again and smiled when she found what she was looking for.

"What are those?" I ask

"Butterfly bandages" She answers, cleaning the cut on Jackie's arm one last time before opening the package with the bandages "It's better than a regular bandage, and it's not as extreme as stitches."

"Oh, okay" I say, resting my chin on top of Jackie's head

Jackie was still crying, and Mrs. Forman pointed to the pills and the bottle of water. I took the message and I lifted Jackie's head with my finger, looking at her in the eye.

"Doll, take this" I say, dropping a pill on her hand

"Is this going to make me sleep?" She asked hopefully, I nodded and she swallowed the pill. I felt my own body relaxing, she's sleeping tonight, thank God.

"Okay, I'm all done here" Mrs. Forman said "Now, you're going to leave these on for a few days honey. If it becomes inflamed, you come see me right away, okay?"

"Okay" Jackie shakily answered "Thank you Mrs. Forman"

"You're welcome honey" Mrs. Forman smiled "You should go rest, the pill is going to help"

Jackie nodded and Mrs. Forman left the bathroom.

I placed the clothes on Jackie's hands and kissed her forehead "Get dressed. I can go wait outside if you want to"

"No!" She yells, tightening her grip on my hand. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath "Don't leave me alone, please"

"Alright" I answer "I'll just close my eyes, is that okay?"

She nods and I close my eyes while she changes. In a few seconds, I feel her shaky hand on my shoulder and I open my eyes again, she's dressed. I scooped her in my arms and took her to the basement. Luckily, we didn't run into anyone on our way here.

I lay down on my cot and she lays down on top of me. Her legs are intertwined with mine and her head is resting on my chest. I grab her hand and I lace our fingers together, using my other hand to stroke her hair.

She's kind of better, but for how long? What guarantees that if I leave the room she won't have another breakdown like this one? What the hell did Pam do that triggered this whole thing?

This has Pam written all over it. I know her mother probably said or did something that disturbed my doll profusely.

"Doll, what happened?" I ask hesitantly, running my fingers through her hair. I need to know what happened.

"I freaked out, I'm so sorry" She answers me and I feel some wetness on my chest. She's crying again, dammit.

"Shh…" I kiss the top of her head and I lightly run my fingers through her back "You have nothing to be sorry for"

"I made a scene" She mumbles sadly "Now everyone probably thinks I went nuts"

"Nobody thinks that" I answer her "We are just worried about you"

She yawns and I thank the universe, the pill is finally kicking in, she's going to sleep tonight "My mom…"

"What did Pam do?" I ask, trying my best to control my rage. I knew this had Pam written all over it! God, I hate that woman.

"She's a whore" Jackie sniffled and I held her tighter "She's engaged to another guy, she paid for my dad's funeral with that guy's money. She's happy my dad died because now she doesn't have to file for divorce and there's less paperwork for her to worry about"

I clench my jaw. How could she say those things to Jackie right after she buried her father? What the fuck is wrong with her?

"She said… She said that I look really ugly and that I'm going to end up fat and you're going to leave me" She cried, and I really want to kill Pam right now.

"Hey" I say, lifting her head so I could look her in the eyes "I'm never leaving you. I thought we already agreed that I can't live without you, doll"

"But I look awful, and I feel like I'm going insane. I wouldn't blame you if you left me…" She whispered that last part, and I feel like I just got punched in the guts. Does she really think that?

"You look beautiful" I say honestly "Stop listening to her, she doesn't know shit about our love, alright? You're not going insane, you just lost your father, you have the right to be sad and to freak out about it, nobody's gonna judge you. I love you, and I'm not leaving you, ever, okay?"

"Okay" She says, and I kiss her forehead. She laid her head back on my chest and I can feel her body relaxing against mine. "I love you too"

"Don't listen to your mother" I say "Nothing that comes out of her mouth is worth listening, alright?"

I feel her nodding against my chest and she stays quiet for a while. I was actually thinking she was finally asleep, then I heard her voice again "Pudding pop?"

"Yeah?"

"Am I a bad person for wishing my mom died instead of my dad?" She whispers, and my heart broke all over again

"No" I answer her promptly "In fact, you are the best person I know"

"I wouldn't be sad if she died" She says

"Neither would I" I say honestly

"I don't know if I'll ever be okay again…" She says after a few seconds of silence and my eyes start to burn again

"Yes you are" I choke out "You're not alone, we're all going to help you through this, okay?"

"I don't want to be a burden. I love you all way to much for that"

"You are not a burden, okay? Not to me, not to anyone else. Hell, you're everything to me Jackie, you're my whole life. You're stuck with me forever, okay?"

She yawned again and mumbled sleepily "Forever sounds nice"

I kiss the top of her head and I feel her body relaxing against my own. She finally slept, thank God.

I stare at the ceiling, thinking about what happened today. Seeing Jackie bleeding, desperately crying on the floor of her bedroom is not something I'll forget anytime soon. How could I forget the scariest moment of my life?

I need her to be okay again. I just don't know how or when this is going to happen.

But it will happen, even if it fucking kills me.


A/N: Sorry for the delay, my internet was extra shitty today!

So… this was a lot.

I've said this before and I'm repeating this at the end of every single chapter: if this story is making you uncomfortable in any sort of way, if this is triggering bad thoughts on you, please stop reading it. I know it can be a lot for some people and I get it. Really.

I am not planning on romanticizing mental illnesses, what happened to Jackie is real and it happens a lot more often than we see. It's not pretty, it's ugly and scary. It makes people uncomfortable, but it happens with so many people, and I feel like we should talk more about it.

Seeing someone struggling with depression is devastating, you feel useless, you want to make things better for this person but you can't, and it's awful.

Struggling with depression is also devastating. You have absolutely no energy, you see people worrying about you and you feel bad, because you love them but you also feel like a burden in their lives, and you think they'll be happier without you. Even if you can't live without them.

Grief is something powerful and it can absolutely destroy someone. In case you haven't noticed, Jackie's been through a lot, the grief is going to feed something she's been unconsciously fighting for a while.

Jackie will get depressed. And I plan on portraying her depression as realistically as I can.

It's what I've had in mind when I first started to write this story, I always wanted to see a story that deals with depression without romanticizing it, and to be honest I haven't seen any yet, so I decided to write my own. I know this story is getting way too long (It's over 100k words, it's a lot), and some people may not like it, but I'm not rushing anything because I feel like that decreases the quality of the writing. This story is going to be approximately 40 chapters long, but I promise I'll finish it.

I would really like to read your thoughts and suggestions, a lot of people commented on the last chapter and it made me really happy!