Feeling down. Felt like doing something fun. Though I have been planning on this for a while.

Artemis was standing in a plain way, clearly planning something, "Then they will bring in the troll-"

Dozens of agents came crashing through the wall with random items in their hands, "What is going on?!"

"You're under arrest!"

"I never saw this coming. This is an interesting development."

The fairy agents pointed their guns at him, "We have you! Don't try anything!"

"How did you think of such an ingenious strategy?"

"We have this thing called common sense. We remembered that we are a literal army and you're just a kid, a butler, a butler's butler, and an easy to penetrate house."

So Atremis and his servants were arrested. The world was much better for it.

So. This movie. I'm sure you all are wondering where I stand on THIS franchise.

I didn't know it existed until this movie. That either makes me the best person to review this movie or the worst.

While I've never read the books, I did look up some stuff and some of the fan complaints. I want to look at this as a movie on it's own.

Something telling thought is that I need to watch nothing but this movie to tell you how utterly crap it is.

The story is bad. It's this weird hostage movie thing. It wasn't good.

Let's nip some things in the bud. The acting is terrible. Most of them talk in this weird way. It's just not how humans talk.

The guy who plays that big mouthed troll thing actually breaks character in a scene. You can hear the voice shift and everything. How does a DISNEY movie do that?

The worst of it is probably from Artemis himself. He switches back and forth from who he's based on in the books and just being a typical child genius

That's another problem with this movie. It's obvious that there were tons of changes from what it was originally gonna be. From these weird cuts where you can't see the actors faces to the plot just being all over the place.

The pacing of this movie is absolutely terrible. This movie is slow as hell. It is an hour and fifty-five minute long. Do you want to guess when the plot actually gets started?

Guess.

The forty minute mark. I am dead serious.

I wouldn't be so against it if that time was spent well, but a majority of those forty minutes are spent on the troll guy narrating who the characters are or what their personalities were like.

The rule is 'show, don't tell' not 'show and tell.' It's just baffling.

Oh yeah, the troll dude is pointless. Like completely pointless. With a little re-writing, you could have cut him out of the movie entirely.

All he does is pick the lock that leads to the mcguffin. That is it. That is literally all he does.

There's also that very disturbing scene when he goes full worm. It's just disturbing.

If that was in the books, why choose to adapt that? Apparently most of the movie pretends that the books don't exist, so either somebody had a very specific fetish or they wanted to adapt the wrong things.

Speaking of the books, let's talk about something that legitimately angerss me.

As I said, I know nearly nothing about the books. All I know is from a second hand source, so I could be wrong here.

The movie whitewashes a majority of its cast. In the books, the fairies were all POCs. They whitewashed a majority of the cast.

BUT THAT'S OKAY! THEY MADE A CHARACTER IN THE BOOKS THAT WAS A MAN INTO A WOMAN, SO THEY RAKE IN THOSE WOKE POINTS!

Now I normally don't care if they change the gender of a pre-existing character, but one of the main characters has an arc that revolves around her wanting to be taken seriously because she is the only woman in the fairy force.

But that's okay, because this film is progressive. Oh, I don't mean like ATLA, LoK, She-Ra, or the like that are actually progressive.

I mean stuff like Birds of Prey and the fabulous emancitions of one Harley Quinn or Ghostbusters 2016 that say they're progressive to make money off people. Even though they really aren't progressive.

But in terms of the black characters. They may have white washed most of the characters, but they have three black characters and they are all servants to white people. Because this film is progessive like that.

Let me simplify this. They got rid of a female character's plot, whitewashed most of the cast, and they made the only black people in the movie lower in rank to white people.

Oh yeah, this movie is really progressive. If the word progressive meant the exact opposite of what it actually does.

But enough about that.

Let's talk about something I found distracting. The time machine thing. When the fairy force invades Artemis' house, their time stop thing gets damaged. The characters keep going on and on about how they need to wrap the plot up before it explodes.

There's some questions that plagued my mind. Why didn't the fairy force just leave and come back with a different time thing after the damaged one blew up? Why didn't they just call someone in to repair the thing? How the hell does a single shot damage it that badly?

How the flying hell does the mind thing work? They establish that the reason Artemis and his group could resist it is because they 'cleared their minds.' But how in God's name does that work?

Does the machine affect how they perceive time or something?

I know I'm harping on this point, but it's a major plot point and it's just bizarre.

I hate talking about plot holes in these reviews, because most if not all fiction has them, but this is just a mind screw. (I only F-bomb if the work legitimately angers me beyond belief which is rare.)

The whole reason that the plot is happening at all is because Artemis' dad is kidnapped by...yeah I have no idea who the cloaked person is. Apparently, in the books it was the fairy mafia. Which is a glorious image to me.

The main villain of the movie is a character that we never actually get to know anything about.

That's grade-A writing right there.

Also, they speak with this filter and I was expecting them to say 'I'll get you next time Gadget!'

I'm not joking. They feel like an old school cartoon villain.

This next thing is a super small point, but how in the hell does the troll allergy thing work? Early on in the movie, the fairy force captures a giant troll and they bring it back for the climax. The asshole commander guy says they gave it allergies to make it stronger.

I have no idea how that works. Maybe it's something in the books, but it's just silly. I don't think you get super strength when you sniff a flower you're allergic to.

Now the guy could have just meant that the troll would be out of control because of it, but the swollen eyes and the sneezing would probably make it a little less dangerous.

But that's just nitpicking.

Let's talk about something that's legitimately a problem. The main female character, Holly, has this non-existent arc about her dad who was framed for a crime. It goes nowhere and is completely pointless.

And I'll remind you, they got rid of her actual arc in the books that would have been fine for a movie for one that's completely pointless.

One of the three black characters in a mostly whitewashed cast is a little girl who also does nothing. She doesn't even get a 'her one skill was needed for this' moment.

She was pointless.

The butler confuses me. His name is Butler, his job is that of a butler, but he'll kill you for calling him Butler. What? Was the narrator high or something?

The fairy world is something I also hate. It's the Batman V Superman logic of making it as dark as you possibly can. You can barely see anything in the scenes there. Even the fairy force command center is very dark.

It's just not pleasant to look at and makes me want to turn away.

Artemis Fowl himself has a not really character arc. He starts the movie only caring about his dad, but he cares about other people at the end. It comes out of nowhere.

Again, evidence that this movie was heavily changed.

Overall, this movie sucks. It's just not good. I wouldn't even say just put it on for the kids, because it's just boring.

Hope you guys enjoyed this.