The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is off doing something. Just some random madness that came from my tiny mind.

What Do The Crazy Folk Do?

"I can't believe it," Mallory walked into the bullpen to see Cheryl, Ray and Pam at some desks. "It's two in the afternoon and none of you are passed out."

"Ditto," Ray looked at her. "Why are you here?"

"Yeah shouldn't you be by your son's bedside?" Cheryl asked. "Slowly watching him waste away into nothing?"

Mallory glared at Cheryl. "And miss the touching support of all of you? Actually, I am here for support. Cyril said he'd give me my share of this month's profits."

"You mean collecting tribute," Ray remarked. "Like a Mob boss waiting for her cut."

"It's money that's owed me!" Mallory snapped. "And that's all that matters!"

"For doing nothing," Cheryl scoffed.

"I am the head of this agency," Mallory told her. "And the fact that you still work here should be enough for you to realize that you need to treat me as your superior!"

"Only because I pay you protection money every month," Cheryl pointed out.

"A lot of protection money every month," Ray added.

"Like a dump truck load full," Pam added.

"Yes, well…" Mallory paused.

"And my company uses yours as a rathole," Cheryl added.

"I prefer the term Investment Holder," Mallory corrected.

"Potato, Po-money laundering-o," Ray quipped.

"And I pay your agency money for any arson investigations connected to my company," Cheryl added.

"There are a lot of those," Pam nodded.

"And…" Cheryl went on.

"All right!" Mallory interrupted. "I GET IT! It's what you idiots do all day that concerns me."

"Cyril does a lot," Ray said. "He's still consulting with that California Succession Movement group. That's a few hundred dollars a week easy."

"Those lunatics are still at it?" Mallory asked.

"It's on the state ballot for elections," Pam told her.

"In any other state a question for a state to be split into two or more pieces would be ludicrous," Mallory scoffed. "Well…Maybe New Jersey?"

"He's on the phone with them now," Ray said. "He'll be out of here soon then you can get out of here."

"Well I'm sorry to interrupt your doing nothing," Mallory scoffed as she went to a water cooler nearby and got something to drink. "UGH! This is water!"

"We replaced the vodka with water after we decided to not drink at the office anymore," Pam looked at her. "Remember?"

"Disgusting. Hang on. What do you people do all day when you're not drinking?" Mallory realized.

"We're not just not drinking," Pam defended. "We're also not gambling or having sex!"

Mallory paused. "Okay. I admit for you lot that's a major concession."

"Thank you," Cheryl nodded.

"But what do you do?" Mallory asked. "I know it's not working!"

"Hey! I'm working!" Cheryl snapped.

Just then the phone rang. Cheryl picked up the phone. "Go away! We're talking!" She hung the phone up.

Mallory sighed. "You've really got your nose to the grindstone don't you, Carol?"

"It's Cheryl again," Cheryl corrected. "And I have been working! I take typing and computer classes online! I can type now!"

"You can type now?" Mallory asked. "After almost fifteen years of being an assistant, now you're learning how to type?"

"I think I'm finally getting the hang of it," Cheryl nodded.

"She really is getting better," Pam said.

"Well she couldn't get any worse," Mallory groaned. "But I'm guessing these lessons keep her from gluing up and burning down the place."

"You guess correctly," Ray nodded.

"Fine," Mallory sighed. "All right. I'll bite. What do the rest of you idiots do? Besides each other?"

"Again, no sex at the office," Pam told her. "I haven't even masturbated in the office all week!"

"I marvel at your restraint," Mallory sighed.

"We do a lot now," Pam said. "For instance, I'm the Head of Advertising and Distribution."

"You're printing and putting up those damn pink flyers again, aren't you?" Mallory sighed.

"Technically I never stopped," Pam corrected.

"I figured that out when I saw snowdrifts of pink paper lying on the freeway," Mallory sighed.

"Yeah that batch kind of fell off Krieger's van," Pam admitted. "Literally."

"Pam and I are also in charge of gathering vital information," Ray added.

"Gossip," Mallory folded her arms.

"And store closings," Pam said. "By the way Lady and Tinkerer are shutting most of their stores. Including the ones here and New York."

"What?" Mallory barked. "I have an account there! And a line of credit! With coupons!"

"You'd better use them fast," Ray told her. "Also, if you have one at Dock 2…"

"The design and furniture store?" Mallory asked.

"Gone by end of the week," Ray said.

"Damn it!" Mallory snapped. "I just started getting some of the nicest highball glasses there!"

"You know that fur store, Fur-Ever More?" Ray said. "They just declared bankruptcy today. And it looks like they're going to start closing within the next few days."

"WHAT?" Mallory was shocked. "That's the last exclusive global fur retail chain left."

"Yeah that trade is literally going extinct," Pam nodded. "As well as Reasonableness. But that's mostly for young girls and pre-teens."

"Lana got some good stuff there for AJ," Ray said. "They had some good stickers too."

"New Jersey And Company is going," Pam went on. "And several other stores are on the chopping block. They're just waiting for a final ruling from the judge on their bankruptcy case."

"Okay," Mallory admitted. "I admit that's important work!"

"You want to be on our e-mail list?" Ray asked. "Normally it's twelve dollars a month but I can give you a discount."

"You have people pay twelve dollars a month for you people to write about store closing?" Mallory did a double take. "That's even more than some streaming services!"

"Well we do put up the occasional video," Pam admitted. "But we have a strong following. And it pays for coffee."

"How many subscribers do you have?" Mallory asked.

"137," Pam said. "Between my relatives, Ray's friends and Krieger's friends we got a pretty good following."

"It's one way to make money around here I admit," Mallory remarked. "What else is there? I know you have some kind of educational scam going on."

"Technically Krieger Kollege isn't a scam," Pam said. "It's a subscription service full of educational programs and short films."

"Another reason to not watch the internet," Mallory groaned.

"We also linked it to our student essay website K-Files," Pam added. "Where you can buy pre-written essays and thesis papers. For instructional purposes only of course."

"You idiots are selling test papers?" Mallory was stunned. "But you don't know anything!"

"That's our defense in case we get caught," Cheryl told her.

"It's a good one," Mallory said.

"We specialize in C and D papers," Pam explained.

"We have A and B papers too," Ray said. "But C's and D's are our bread and butter."

"Who's going to bother investigating a plagiarized paper that's lower than a B?" Pam asked.

"Huh," Mallory frowned. "If I give you some of Sterling's essays do I get a cut?"

"You actually saved some of Archer's papers?" Ray was shocked.

"Technically Woodhouse did," Mallory admitted. "Some of which was used as evidence in lawsuits. Don't want to go into that story. Not that interesting."

"Bring some over and we'll give 'em a look," Pam told her.

"So you do actual work around here?" Mallory was stunned.

"Apart from the occasional Monopoly game, yes," Pam nodded.

"We also do other stuff around here," Ray said. "Krieger does his experiments in his lab."

"And we also help clean up or contain Krieger's experiments in his lab," Pam did a double take. "Speaking of which…"

"BLURP! BLURP! BLURP!"

Something that looked like a small purple manatee with huge elephant like ears and large flippers waddled across the floor. "Damn it!" Ray groaned. "Another one got out?"

"BLURP! BLURP! BLURP!"

"Do I even want to…?" Mallory began.

"No," The others said at the same time.

"Whose turn is it?" Pam sighed.

"Cyril's," Ray told her.

"BLURP! BLURP! BLURP!"

"HEY!" Cyril shouted. "GET OUT OF MY OFFICE! KRIEGER!"

"Where is Lana?" Mallory asked. "Why isn't she here to play Mutant Round Up?"

CRASH!

"BLURRRP!"

"GET AWAY FROM THAT!" Cyril was heard shouted. "DON'T EAT IT!"

"She's out on another flyer run," Pam waved. "She's been really stepping up in that department. In fact, she volunteers to distribute flyers all the time."

"Now that I think about it," Cheryl frowned. "She jumps at every opportunity to get out of the office. It's like she has some kind of ulterior motive to do so."

"BLURRRRRP!"

"Yes, she does," Mallory turned around to leave. "It's to spend as little time with you idiots as possible! And I'm going to follow her example."

"What about your money?" Ray asked.

CRASH!

"BLURP!"

"KRIEGER!" Cyril screamed. "YOUR LATEST ABOMINATION IS TRYING TO EAT MY RUG! AS WELL AS STAINING IT!"

"Tell him to sign me up for direct deposit!" Mallory told them as she left.