For my wonderful friend Kate- happy belated birthday! 'Meeting' you was one of the few highlights of my 2020. I'm so grateful for our friendship and all our Godard chats, and I'm so, so glad you now love SVU as much as I do too! Can't wait to channel our inner Dawn and Amy for our North Sea swim xxx And I hope you love this story as much as I've loved writing it for you.

For everyone else, just a few things before you read: this is easily the most stupidly over-ambitious fanfiction I've ever written, in that it's designed to be equally accessible for three different audiences: fans of both Holby City and SVU, fans of Holby City only and SVU only. I've wanted to write a crossover in which Olivia Benson from SVU and Ange and Chloe Godard from Holby City meet for such a long time now. If you watch both shows then you'll already know why crossover fanfiction was practically invented for these three- but if you watch SVU only, all will become clear about halfway through part II, and if you watch Holby only, there will be an 'oh' moment at the end of part II.

This story is going to be a three-parter- I've posted parts I and II together (part II may take a minute to show up, but I promise it's there!) and part III will be up at some point next week. There's then going to be a Jange oneshot here on the Holby board that SVU readers are welcome to skip (kind of like an optional extra story set in the aftermath of this one!) and then after that, there's going to be a sister oneshot that can be read either as an epilogue to this story or a stand-alone oneshot that I'll post on the Law and Order SVU board on this site.

The SVU board crossover will be called Clean (if you're on my wavelength you'll totally know what's going on with the titles at this point!) and I'll share it on my Instagram (chloeggodard) and my twitter (IseultLaBelle) when I post it, but you can also add me to your author alert list if you aren't in the habit of checking the SVU board : ) To my SVU readers, as well as this being the ONLY thing I could have written Kate for her birthday, I'm also hoping that writing this will help me ease back into writing SVU fanfiction again properly- but there will be some EO in Clean too, just because I know you've been waiting forever so I've tried to make everyone happy!

For any SVU-only readers, straight after I post this I'm going to post a 25 second clip from Holby City to my twitter for you (IseultLaBelle)- it's not necessary to watch the clip if you want to read this, but it's there if you want some basic background information on the Holby City characters in this story.

Getting this story posted has been a bit of a team effort this week- and so I need to say a huge thank you to casualtyxfics and Ashley-writes28 for being my Holby and SVU guinea pig readers respectively, and to Karis, who unknowingly named these previously nameless crossovers when she posted her beautiful Chloe edit this week. Thank you too to Kate herself for looking at sections of this for me in the early stages and for being the queen of Godard scenes, and last but not least a huge, huge, thank you to Dawnsteelefangroup for her endless support, wealth of both Ange Godard AND Olivia Benson knowledge (which just goes to show there are SO many similarities between these characters!), endless patience and willingness to give me her thoughts on anything I've thrown at her- I would have deleted huge chunks of this last night if it hadn't been for her reassurance. And apologies in advance, because she already knows she's going to be doing it all over again for part III and Clean ; ) I really feel like we all got Ange, Chloe and Olivia to meet together at this point.

This project has been my baby for the last three months (and it was the hardest thing EVER to keep a secret!) and I'm completely terrified to post it because aside from the fact that juggling all three audiences and trying to come up with something you can all fully appreciate has been an absolute NIGHTMARE, I've poured more of my heart and soul into it than I have into any fanfiction I've posted in a long time. So whether you're here from both shows, just Holby or just SVU, I would really appreciate your feedback on whether or not I've pulled this off!

TRIGGER WARNINGS: this story does contain discussion of sexual assault, discussion of self-harming, discussion of symptoms of PTSD and mild references to disordered eating. As ever, please feel free to message me to discuss further if you are worried about reading!

And finally, the Breathe installment in this stupidly overambitious mini-series is unofficially sponsored by Terry's Chocolate Orange- and definitely not Ange's retro electric blanket.

Happy birthday Kate xxx

-IseultLaBelle x

Part I

"Is that Ange Godard?" the voice on the other end of the phone asks as the call connects, thick American accent. "My name's Olivia Benson, I'm calling from…"

"New York," Ange finishes for her, cutting her off. "Rape crisis unit, or whatever it's called over there. I know. I really don't see the point in this…"

"Did Sheena explain…"

"Yes, Sheena explained. And I still think this is a complete waste of everyone's time," Ange interrupts, irate already- and perhaps she's being unfair, but it's eleven and night and she's been up since six, due back on AAU to do it all again tomorrow morning and all she wants is sleep. "It's not me who needs the support, it's my daughter. I'd go and get her for you instead, only she's asleep- or I hope she is, anyway. I'm not waking her when she's working a double shift tomorrow…"

"I appreciate it's late for you," Olivia apologises. "I was hoping I might be able to get away from work sooner, I'm sorry. If you'd rather do this another time…"

"No. No, I just want to get it over with. This is totally pointless," Ange rants, slams her mug down onto the coffee table with a little more force than she intended. "I don't know what Sheena's told you exactly…"

"Just the basics. She said she worked your daughter Chloe's case a couple of years ago, and…"

"Exactly," Ange rolls her eyes. "Chloe's case. I'm not the one who needs this. I'm fine, I don't understand why you and Sheena are so insistent on wasting time and resources on me when Chloe's the one who…"

"Sheena told me she thinks it's not as simple as that," says Olivia gently. "It's…" she pauses for several moments, almost as though she's contemplating, trying to decide how best to approach this if she wants to avoid Ange snapping and hanging up on her before she's even properly begun whatever ridiculous box-ticking exercise she's apparently so desperate to put her through. "I've been doing this job a long time. In my experience, it's not uncommon for the parents of rape victims to struggle to process what happened to their child. To be still struggling to process what happened years after the…"

"Yes, I'm still struggling!" Ange snaps, cutting her off.

She doesn't intend to sound quite as hostile as she ends up coming across, admittedly.

But she's tired and she's irate and this is just the last thing she needs tonight- more than that, preventing her from seeking out exactly what she does need after the shift she's had and slipping into Chloe's bed to curl up with her, savour every inch of her, right down to her numbingly cold hands and feet and her bony joints it's impossible not to worry sometimes might be a symptom of a slipping back into old habits, and her occasional sleep-talking and her duvet hogging and her current, out-of-control clinginess with her mother, her tendency to cuddle up on top of her and cling on like a bloody koala right as a perimenopausal hot flush hits her, and the heat of her body is too much to tolerate.

Almost, that is.

Almost too much to tolerate.

Almost, but not quite, because nothing matters to her more than Chloe.

Nothing brings her comfort like Chloe's mere presence can, nothing makes her happy like Chloe does- even after thirty-one years, even now she's all grown up and independent, has her own life despite them living under the same roof again, doesn't need her mum like she used to when she was still a child.

Or rather, all grown-up and independent and no longer needing her mum until her latest anxiety battle becomes too much for her to cope with and she reverts to overwhelming, suffocating clinginess.

There doesn't seem to be any in-between just now.

But that doesn't matter.

Even in normal circumstances, even when Chloe isn't struggling as badly as she is right now, Ange still needs her.

She has Josh now, of course.

But it was just the two of them for so long that Ange still needs Chloe, too; different, yearning, something ancient and instinctive she can't quite explain.

She thinks she always will.

"I'm absolutely still struggling," Ange continues in frustration. "And you know why that is? Because Chloe's still struggling. Any half-decent mother would be struggling, watching their child suffer like this. Did Sheena tell you why Chloe's back having therapy at the SARC again? Or why I want her back in therapy, anyway, not that anyone seems to want to…"

"She gave me very minimal details," Olivia begins hesitantly. "I think she felt you'd probably feel more comfortable if she left it to you to fill me in on…"

"So not only do I have to go through with a completely pointless phone appointment at stupid o clock at night, but it's also down to me to explain to you what we're both doing here…"

"I think Sheena was just trying to respect your privacy." Somehow, Olivia seems to manage to keep earth-shatteringly calm despite Ange's hostility towards her, towards this, and as childish as it might be, that only causes her to hate the poor woman even more. "I think… she knew you weren't exactly enthusiastic about this, didn't she? I think she just wanted to give you the opportunity to explain to me yourself what you're struggling with at the…"

"You're not listening to me!" Ange protests, furious, now, mother tiger instinct stirring within her, and she knows from the moment it erupts, they'll be no containing it, because there's nothing she wouldn't do for Chloe. "You want to know what I'm struggling with, then? What I'm really struggling with, not whatever bullshit you and Sheena think? I'm struggling to work out how to help my daughter, that's what! She was raped, brutally, two years ago, by her evil bastard of a husband because he wouldn't accept that she'd seen through his coercive controlling bullshit and wanted a divorce. He raped her, and god only knows what else he would have done if she hadn't managed to defend herself…"

"I'm so sorry…"

"I know," Ange dismisses, ignoring her. "I know, it's your job to tell me you're sorry. So spare me, please. He… Chloe's ex- her husband, technically, at the time- he attacked her, he had a knife and she had to use it on him to stop him, he passed away. And Chloe was cleared of any part in it, thank fuck- she had to defend herself, no one was questioning that. She was cleared of any part in his death, but that's not exactly given her peace, she's… Anyway, that's not important. That was nearly two years ago, and she had months of therapy afterwards, she was doing brilliantly until covid hit. She's been… up and down, for the last year. But I'm trying to get her back into therapy, now, I'm guessing Sheena told you that part…"

"She did tell me that, yes…"

"And did she tell you why?" Ange demands. "No? I'll tell you why. I mean, it's not the only reason why; I've wondered if she might need to go back for a while, now. Long before all this started."

"Okay…"

"Every time I've had my new boyfriend stay the night, Chloe's woken up screaming," Ange blurts out, heart aching just recalling it. "Five times, now- so we've stopped trying, I'm not putting her through that again. I can't go through that again, never mind Chloe. She gets an hour or so of sleep and then she wakes up screaming- and she's struggled with panic attacks since she was a teenager, so believe me, I'm more than familiar with them. I know the drill. I know extreme panic attacks, and even by Chloe's standards, these have been severe. Worse than severe. She wakes up screaming, and she's clearly terrified, and she cries and cries her wee heart out until she hyperventilates, and I can't calm her down. I don't think she even knows me, if I'm honest, when she's in that state. Sometimes she won't even let me near her.

"And then when I do manage to calm her down enough that she can actually speak, she begs me not to let him hurt her, and it's just awful. I can't even describe to you how awful it is. And she just clings and clings to me, like she's scared if she lets go… I don't know. I don't know what she's scared of. But she's so bloody clingy at the moment. I don't know if it's all connected- she's at absolute peak clinginess after she has one of these attacks. She just… I don't even know how to describe it. It's like she can't get close enough to me. And then she won't let go. She clings onto me as though she thinks the world's going to end if she lets go- and maybe she does. Maybe she does think that; I don't know. I don't know what's going on in her head at the moment. All I know is it's awful for her. That, and whatever position I start out in, if I end up with her sleeping in with me, I'm going to be staying in it until she wakes up. She just won't bloody let go. I don't think she's actually sleeping, if I'm honest, or if she is, it's stupidly light- I mean, it's not normal to cling on like that in your sleep, isn't it? So I daren't try to move her off me. And that's fine… I'd do anything for her, you know?"

Her voice is wavering, but she's determined this woman will not hear her cry.

"All I want is for Chloe to healthy, and happy, and free of this," Ange continues. "That's all I want. But… well, once you hit a certain age, things start changing, don't they? I end up drenched in sweat most nights as it is, add in having her pressed up on top of me, and… it's a bit unbearable, I'll be honest. I hate saying that- I'm not saying Chloe's unbearable, of course I'm not. That's not what I'm saying at all. But she needs a better solution to these episodes than losing the plot and clinging onto me all night afterwards, or I'm going to end up snapping at her, and then she'll be even more of a spiralling wreck... He wouldn't hurt her, by the way."

She's fully aware that she's rambling, carried away, lurching violently from one topic to the next as all of her frustrations with the Holby SARC and this being apparently the best option Sheena has been able to come up with to help her daughter suddenly pouring out of her, and perhaps in the process, she's falsely giving the SOLO or whatever this woman is the wrong impression, leading her to believe that the real problem is staring her right in the face.

"My boyfriend, I mean," Ange clarifies. "He wouldn't hurt her. Just for the record. Josh would never lay a finger on Chloe- he wouldn't get the chance even if he wanted to, but he wouldn't. He just wouldn't. I wouldn't let him near her if there was even the tiniest doubt in my mind, I don't care how old she is. She's never going to be too old for me to be mindful of who I'm bringing into her life, is she? That's not what it's about, she doesn't think my boyfriend's going to hurt her. She's… I don't know. I don't know if she thinks he's the man who raped her, in those moments, or if she's just confused, or if she's afraid of new men in general, she thinks anyone who isn't her brother or my ex is a potential threat and fight or flight's kicking in. I don't know. All I know is she's suffering, and I can't bear it."

"That sounds…" Olivia begins, but Ange isn't in the mood for her sympathies.

She doesn't want to be doing this.

She doesn't want to be doing this, made that perfectly clear to Sheena and yet she's been pushed into it anyway, can't seem to get out of letting Olivia from New York do whatever kind of evaluation on her she wants to do and tell her that Chloe's problems are all her fault, that if only she had a mother actually old enough to be her mother, grown-up, responsible, not constantly playing catch-up, frantically fighting to work out how to parent her through her next life stage when she's only just lived through it herself, because such is the reality of teenage motherhood.

She doesn't want to do this, and it's pointless- for her, at least.

But if there's even a slight possibility of her making enough fuss, annoying the hell out of Olivia Benson from fucking New York (what's the point? Ange wants to scream, what is the actual point?) that someone finally does something to help Chloe, then it's worth it.

Sheena should know by now that she'll fight for Chloe until her very last breath, and Olivia will work it out soon enough.

"But you know what the worst of it is?" Ange cuts Olivia off, uninterested in whatever pointless, PR nothingness she's about to fire out at her. "It'll take me a good hour to calm her down properly, and then I'll sleep in with her, just in case. Sometimes she has another nightmare and I'll have to wake her before it turns into a full-blown panic attack, or sometimes she manages to sleep through until morning, but I'll watch her just in case, you know? I just feel so helpless… I can't stop the panic attacks, or… maybe they're flashbacks, I don't know. Maybe she's reliving what happened to her… she won't talk about it, when she calms down, she doesn't want to tell me. I think it's because she's feeling so guilty, and that makes it even worse. But when she wakes the next morning, you know what she says to me? She tells me how sorry she is," Ange forces out.

She's struggling, now.

She's struggling just to find the words and keep her own tears at bay, because talking about this still makes her so goddamned upset.

"She tells me she's sorry," Ange continues at last. "She tells me she's sorry, and then she gets all upset about that, too. How she thinks she's ruined my night, I mean. And don't get me wrong, she has. I'm not denying that. Not that I'd ever tell her. She has, she's ruined every attempt Josh and I have made to have one night of peace together, it's like going through the baby stage with her all over again. Not that I ever had boyfriends when she was a baby, but that's beside the point. It's like being back in that baby stage where you can't do anything without taking them with you, because as soon as they can't see you or hear you or smell you, they go berserk. Is that all babies? Chloe was like that as a baby, anyway. Her brother, not so much, but that was probably… anyway, we aren't talking about him, we're talking about Chloe. Chloe was stupidly clingy then, and she's like it again now. And I can't stop worrying. I just… I couldn't care less about her ruining my love life, you know?" Furiously, she wipes at her eyes, fights to keep her voice level. "Not when knowing Josh is in the house is clearly making her so… I don't even have words for it. Distressed doesn't do it justice, it's awful. It's just awful. I can't bear seeing her like that. So I tell her she's got nothing to be sorry for, even though I know she won't believe me. And I just cuddle her. All I seem to be able to do is bloody cuddle her," she confesses, despairing, hopeless, overwhelmed with guilt. "And that's clearly not working, is it?"

"I think…"

"And once I manage to get her out of bed the next morning, she's fine with having my boyfriend in the house, before you ask," Ange covers quickly. "Chloe's totally relaxed around Josh before she goes to sleep and she's the same the next morning, it's not about having him in her personal space, or anything. She's fine with him. I'd kick him to the curb if she wasn't, I'm not one of those mothers who puts her relationships first the moment her children are grown-up. Chloe just… for whatever reason, she's having these awful, awful nightmares, when she knows he's spending the night here. And I don't know what to do. Apart from stopping having Josh over to spend the night, but that's not a long-term solution, is it? Not for me- I'd give up my love life in a heartbeat if it meant Chloe never had to suffer again. But she can't carry on like this, can she? I want her to be happy, I want her to have a healthy relationship again, after… what happened to her. I want her to feel safe around men. I don't want her to be defined by it all, you know? And she's… when I say she's fine with my boyfriend being around more… she is. She really is, she does like him. That isn't the problem. But she's really, really struggling with not being the centre of my attention all the time, I think. She… it's a long story. It's a long story, you don't need to know all that. But it was just me, her, my ex and her brother, when she was… raped. She was pretty comfortable with my ex, when it happened, and he really took a step back… we weren't living together, so I moved Chloe in with me for a couple of weeks- you know, so I could look after her. So it could just be me and her for a while. I think she needed that. And then I broke up with my ex right after covid hit, so she pretty much had me to herself for a year. Her brother… it's… complicated," Ange settles on at last- because her relationship with Dom, his adoption, exactly how young she was when she had him and never mind Chloe, is the last thing she wants to disclose over the phone to a total stranger who's probably judging her enough already.

"It's just… complicated," Ange repeats. "But he doesn't need me as much as she does, I'm… not as involved in his life as I am Chloe's, I guess. Chloe's higher maintenance. But what… what I'm trying to say is as much as she does like my boyfriend, I think she's struggling with not having me all to herself anymore. I don't know if that's partly what it's about… I… I don't know. The nightmares are real- I'm not questioning that, that's not what I mean. Whatever's going on in her head, she's finding it horribly distressing. But I don't know if there's an element of… I don't know. I wonder if maybe she's been struggling for longer than I've realised, something like that. We had… it's a long story. It's a long story, I don't want to talk about it. You don't need to know. There was… an incident," she settles on at last. "At work, a few months back. We work in the same hospital- did Sheena tell you that? There was an incident… Chloe's housemate… turns out he's been killing off patients for months. To make his colleagues look bad in comparison to his mediocre performance, as some kind of power trip, I… I don't know. It came out that he didn't intervene when Chloe's husband went into cardiac arrest, after she… after she defended herself," she explains fiercely, daring Olivia to call it anything else. "After Chloe did what she had to do to defend herself. And I don't think she… I don't think she ever properly processed that. I mean, it would have brought it all back up again for her, wouldn't it? Even though it turns out it wasn't anything she did that…"

"Of course it would," Olivia agrees softly. "Of course it would. That must have been…"

"Quite. And I don't think she ever gave herself chance to process it, and it's all my fault. I… this all came out- about Chloe's housemate, I mean- it all came out when I realised he'd been doctoring patient records. And I confronted him, and he… he kidnapped me. He dragged me into the hospital basement, tied me to a chair, drugged me…"

There's a startled gasp from the other end of the phone, caught off-guard… pained, almost, the last thing Ange was expecting.

She trails off, waits for Olivia to say something, figures at first that this is a planned interruption, because she's no reason to think otherwise.

Not at first.

But all that comes from the other end of the phone line are strained breaths- strained breaths that sound to Ange alarmingly similar to the sound Chloe makes when she's hurtling into panic attack territory.

"Are you alright?" Ange asks cautiously, confused. "Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. I just… I figured you'd have heard much worse, I guess, in your line of work…"

There's another uncomfortable, unexplained pause.

"Sorry!" Olivia says at last; abrupt, shaken, as though she's spent the last few seconds in which she was unresponsive in a total daze. "Sorry… I… I was just thinking. Reminded me of an old case, that's all. It sounds as though you went through a really terrible ordeal, Ange…"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Ange dismisses her firmly. "I'm fine, I'm not the one you should be wasting your time worrying about. Sheena keeps doing this, keeps trying to make it about me when I'm not the one who needs help. Chloe is. She won't… Chloe needs more therapy, it's as simple as that. But she won't admit it. I've tried to convince her otherwise, but she just keeps telling me she feels like she's wasted enough of the Holby SARC's time and funding already…"

"That's not true," Olivia murmurs. "That's not true, they wouldn't tell her that. It sounds… I know you don't want my sympathy…"

"I don't need your sympathy…"

"Okay. Okay, I understand," says Olivia simply. "But for what it's worth, it sounds as though you've both had an incredibly tough few years. And I'm glad Sheena's looking out for you, too. Even if you think it isn't necessary…"

"It isn't. I'm not the one who needs help here," Ange insists. "I know Sheena isn't convinced, but she's wrong about that. I'm fine. I've… I've survived worse. Chloe's the one who's suffering. She's not… she's not as strong as I am," she admits quietly. "And I hate saying that- it feels like… I don't know. Like I have no faith in her, like I think she's weak. Because she's not. She's not weak. She just… Chloe's been through a lot." Her voice trembles, but she's determined not to cry, not on the phone to someone she's never met, doesn't even want to be wasting her time talking to. "She's had a lot to deal with. Not just with being… you know. Not just that. It's not… I don't know…"

She can't bring herself to tell her.

The stupid thing is, in her heart of hearts, she knows exactly how relevant it is.

She knows full well that Olivia Benson is going to struggle to understand just how much harder Chloe has had to struggle to deal with what happened to her- just how much harder she's evidently still having to struggle even now, come to that- without the missing puzzle piece of her conception, all the extra baggage it brings.

Ange knows that, and yet still she just can't face telling her.

It's a secret she's kept close to her heart since Chloe was born, divulged it only when strictly necessary- and once Chloe knew herself, she'd always seek her permission first before explaining how she came to be a mum to anyone knew (except with Dom - and look where that got her).

(And Fletch, of course, but thankfully, Chloe understood when she confessed to her later that telling Fletch had been an emergency situation.)

But it's not just about feeling as though she needs Chloe's blessing to reveal the story of her conception, not just about knowing her distressed her poor wee girl who deserves so, so much better becomes at the thought of anyone knowing how she came to be.

It's not just about that.

It's for Ange's own benefit, too.

She's learnt from bitter experience that people tend to view Chloe differently, once they know- and that goes for people who really, really should know better, too, and Ange hates that.

She doesn't know Olivia.

She knows that Chloe trusts Sheena implicitly, and therefore she would like to think that Sheena would never have even contemplated involving Olivia in… whatever this is supposed to be… unless she was absolutely certain her American colleague would treat Chloe with the care and sensitivity she deserves, separate her from the trauma from which she came to be.

But Ange doesn't know Olivia.

She doesn't know Olivia, and therefore she's not risking it.

She doesn't care if Olivia has ever met Chloe, if she ever will.

Under absolutely no circumstances will she allow her kind, caring, beautiful, innocent daughter who possesses not one evil bone in her body to be held responsible for the crimes of the man who fathered her.

Not by anyone.

It's her job as Chloe's mother to protect her, first and foremost.

She's let her down on that too many times already.

"She's had a lot to deal with," Ange repeats simply. "And she's amazing- I'm so, so proud of her. But she… she struggles. Even at the best of times, she can really struggle. And I think… I worry it might go deeper than just me having my boyfriend stay over. I mean… that's clearly what's setting off these… episodes. I don't know what else to call it. But I wonder if whatever's going on in her head is more complicated than that. I just worry that everything finding out she'd been living with the man who really killed her… her husband, the man who raped her… I don't know what to call him. It's all a mess. It's all just such a mess, and I hate that she has to deal with this, on top of everything she… anyway. Sorry, I keep going off on tangents…"

"You've got nothing to apologise for," Olivia insists, and her voice is gentle, wonderfully, reassuringly calm. "You're okay. Maybe… maybe this is what Sheena had in mind, when she suggested it might be a good idea for you to talk to me? Sometimes it helps to just get it all out- however you're feeling, whether you think it's rational or not…"

"Me struggling to deal with seeing my daughter like this isn't exactly going to help her sort out whatever's going on in her head, though, is it? I'm just… I'm worried she was so busy trying to be strong for me, after… I was fine. I was fine, after… what I went through. Kidnapped… held hostage… I don't know. I don't know how to explain it in brief, and I've rambled on enough as it is…"

"You're fine, Ange. I've not set a time limit on this, you know. We can talk about whatever you feel you…"

"Chloe," Ange intercepts firmly. "I need to tell you about Chloe. I'm worried she's… whether it started after what happened to me a few months back, whether that triggered it, or whether this has been building for a while… I don't think that matters. I mean, of course it does, of course it matters. But it's for a therapist to work through with her, isn't it? It doesn't matter right now. What does matter is that this has been building for a while. I know it has. I think she's been struggling for a while, and she's been just about okay because she's had me around all the time. But now she's having to cope without me a bit more, she's just… she's falling to pieces a bit. I don't know if she's scared… I don't know. I don't even know if Chloe knows what's triggered this, if I'm completely honest. But she's… I'm worried it's starting to turn into something more, now. It seemed to start the first time Josh stayed over but I… I don't know. Maybe it's bigger than that. I'm worried she's off her food again- I couldn't get her to eat for weeks, after she was… you know. I get it, I was the… Anyway. I'm worried she's not eating properly, and that tends to come hand in hand with… she's…"

Her voice is breaking.

"It's alright," Olivia murmurs- and despite her resistance to it all, Ange can't deny that she's starting to see that she's clearly good at what she does. "It's alright. Take your time. I'm here for as long as you need, Ange. It's okay."

Screw it, Ange decides.

Impulsively, she reaches for Chloe's leftover Christmas Terry's Chocolate Orange abandoned on the shelf below the coffee table, cracks it open, dunks a segment into her mug of tea.

Screw it, she needs the sugar boost if she's going to get through this.

If Chloe wanted it, she should have gotten round to eating it sometimes before July.

"Chloe's… she's got a long, difficult history with self-harming," Ange blurts out at least. "Over half her life, now. I mean, it's… it's been on and off, thank god, it hasn't been constant. But she… she still struggles with it. She'll be fine, and then something will throw her, and… it's frightening, how out of control it can get in a short space of time. But this is why… Sheena's probably told you I smother Chloe, hasn't she…"

"She…"

"No, I know she has. I know she thinks I'm the absolute definition of a helicopter parent. I know that. Pretty much everyone who sees me in action thinks that I baby her. But I have to. I have to be hyper-vigilant, because if I'm not, and she slips back into old habits… I have to watch her. I'm not sure if she's started self-harming again, I'll be honest with you. I don't know. It's… it can be hard to tell, she's gotten pretty good at picking places she knows no one will see. It's very much… it's not a cry for attention, with Chloe. It's the exact opposite, she's never wanted anyone to know. But in the past, she's… if she's off her food, that's usually a bad sign, you know? I've been through this with her too many times before, I know the warning signs. I know it's starting to get bad again, and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do to help her. I need you to help her, because I don't know what to do with her. Can you see why I'm so frustrated now? It's not me who needs to talk to you. It's Chloe."

Rant over at last, Ange breathes deeply, fights to calm herself down.

Silence.

"It sounds to me as though Chloe is very loved," Olivia begins slowly- and maybe she's being unfair, overly defensive when there's really no reason to be, but Ange can't help but suspect she's issuing something of a compliment now to soften the blow of whatever she's going to say next. "And I'm sure she knows that. It sounds as though you're doing everything you possibly can to make her feel loved, and safe, and secure, in what must be such awful circumstances for you both…"

"Let me guess, but I was a teen mum, so I might just about know how to love her, but I certainly don't know how to mother her…"

"What? No… no, where did you get that from? That wasn't what I was going to say at all- if I gave you that impression somehow, I'm so sorry. I didn't actually know you had Chloe when you were a teenager," Olivia tells her, leaves Ange feeling utterly stupid. "Sheena hasn't told me she has any concerns your relationship with Chloe isn't a healthy one, if that's what you're worried about. Quite the opposite, actually. She said you're very close, and Chloe clearly adores you. I meant what I said, I wasn't trying to patronise you…"

"No, it's alright."

She can't bring herself to apologise; not quite, not when no part of her wants to be doing this, but at the same time, Ange knows something by way of an excuse, an explanation, is necessary.

"I… we haven't exactly had great experiences, with the Holby SARC staff," she offers. "Not all of them. Sheena's been brilliant, Chloe loves Sheena. I love Sheena, because Chloe loves her. And I'm just so grateful she ended up with a SOLO she trusts. But then we've had things like… the day… the day she was… god, it's nearly two years and I still hate saying it…"

"It's okay," says Olivia quietly. "It's okay. That's very normal."

"The day it happened," Ange settles on at last. "She… she didn't want me at the SARC at first. She changed her mind after a few hours, told them she wanted her mum, gave them my number. So they called me. Whoever called me and told me she was asking for me knew I was her mother. I got over there as fast as I could, and- presumably SARCs are pretty difficult places to get entry to over there, too? So I turned up, told the front desk I was there to see Chloe, gave them my name. And the stupid woman asked me for ID, ticked me off some list and picked up the phone to tell Sheena that Chloe's 'sister' was in reception. Gave me some crap about she had been told to expect her mum, only she didn't think I looked old enough and she didn't want to offend me."

"That shouldn't have happened," Olivia says softly. "That shouldn't have happened, there's no excuse for that…"

"And then I took her back for her follow-up care and to arrange her therapy sessions, a couple of weeks later," Ange adds, fully aware she's finally found a use for Olivia Benson and her bloody useless phone appointment, and it's probably not the one she was supposed to, but perhaps she's right, perhaps it will do her good to get it all off her chest. "And the woman we had that day couldn't get it right. I lost count of the number of times I had to correct her and tell her I'm Chloe's mum, Chloe was so embarrassed by the time we left. She kept trying to tell me it didn't matter, but it does matter. I've been putting up with this shite since the day she was born, there were forms I couldn't fill in, child benefits I couldn't claim for her myself until she was nearly one because I wasn't eighteen, even though I'm her mother. I couldn't take her swimming without my mum there until I was eighteen because she needed an adult to supervise her, for god's sake, I couldn't sign for her prescriptions… crap like that. Stupid things you wouldn't even realise would be a problem if you hadn't had a baby in high school. Half the time when I'd take her to see a doctor who didn't know us, or a health visitor, GP, speech therapist… anyone like that, any kind of professional, they'd want my mum there too, the first time. And even after I did turn eighteen, I was always being mistaken for the babysitter. People always assumed I was the babysitter until she was about nine, and since then it's always been her big sister. Even now, that's what people think. She's thirty-one now, and I think I could probably count on the fingers of one hand the number of people who've not looked shocked when they find out I'm actually her mother. Still. After thirty-one years. And it's just infuriating. I lost her in the supermarket, when she was eight- every parent does that at least once, don't they? But the shop assistant who found her wouldn't give her back to me at first, he didn't believe I was really her mum. That kind of bullshit. It's been constant. Even now, it's still constant. And it's not flattering. I don't care how many times people who had their kids at an age society accepts tell me it's flattering- it isn't. I just want to be accepted as my daughter's mother, is that really too much to ask for?"

"No," Olivia tells her, gentle, comforting. "No, it really isn't. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. They shouldn't have…"

"I don't even remember how I got onto this," Ange confesses sheepishly, mind racing, frantic, embarrassed. "I don't… what…"

"You were telling me how the SARC who took care of Chloe have made a complete mess of making you feel comfortable and accepted by them as her mother," Olivia reminds her patiently. "Which is basic empathy, there's no excuse for it."

"Course I was. I… sorry." It takes every ounce of strength Ange has to force out the apology. "I didn't… I didn't mean to rant at you like that…"

"No, it's alright. Thank you for telling me," Olivia murmurs. "It helps me to understand that talking to me is probably the last thing you want to do…"

"Now you're starting to understand me…"

"Exactly. I want to help, Ange. That's all. I just want to help. You and Chloe. But I can completely understand why you might be wary of me, given the experiences you've had with…"

"You know what you can do to restore my faith in health and social care professionals?" Ange offers. "And… whatever police officers come under… I don't know. But you know what you can do? You can help my daughter feel safe around men again. Even if Josh staying over isn't the whole problem, even if she was already struggling, that's triggered this… this… breakdown, I guess. She's gone downhill so quickly… it frightens me. She's had rough patches in the last two years, but nothing like this. Nothing this bad. Listen… I… I know how bad this can get if it isn't treated, alright?" she pleads. "I know. And I don't want that for Chloe. She's already been through so much, I can't…"

"Mum?" a quiet voice calls from the other side of the living room door; fragile, needy, but fighting so hard not to show it too clearly. "Mum, are you coming up soon?"

Shit.