The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is still looking in the want ads. More madness from my tiny brain.

Rent A Spy

"MOTHER YOU ARE BEING COMPLETELY UNFAIR!" Archer was heard screaming from Mallory's office.

"UNFAIR? UNFAIR?" Mallory screamed. "HOW ABOUT WASTING FOUR YEARS OF MY LIFE DUE TO YOUR POOR PLANNNG AND SELFISHNESS? NOT TO MENTION YOUR DESIRE TO BED ANYTHING…AND I MEAN ANYTHING IN A SKIRT! HOW FAIR WAS THAT?"

"I WAS ONLY IN THE COMA FOR THREE YEARS!" Archer shouted back.

"I KNOW!" Mallory snapped. "I'M COUNTING THE YEAR WE WERE BLACKLISTED AND HAD TO MOVE TO CALIFORNIA!"

"Wow," Pam listened in from the break room where she and Ray were having coffee. "They're really going at it."

"Of all the days for Lana and Cyril to be out of the office on missions," Ray snickered.

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH I HAD TO PAY AFTER THE LEMUR INCIDENT?" Mallory kept ranting. "NOT JUST TO KEEP YOU IN YOUR APARTMENT AND FOR DAMAGES! THE HOSPITAL EXPENSES FOR THAT DOORMAN AND THOSE TWO PORTERS WERE OUTRAGEOUS!"

"HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT THE SERVICE STAFF FORMED A VERY AGRESSIVE UNION?" Archer snapped. "AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW REGGIE WAS STILL ALIVE!"

"STERLING I TOLD YOU NOT TO BUY THE DAMN THING IN THE FIRST PLACE! MAYBE BY CUTTING YOUR EXPENSE ACCOUNT YOU WILL LEARN TO LISTEN TO ME?"

"MOTHER YOU CAN'T CUT MY EXPENSE ACCOUNT!" Archer protested. "ESPECIALLY NOW THAT MY PAYCHECK IS A JOKE!"

"NO, THE JOKE IS THAT AFTER ALL THESE YEARS YOU STILL HAVEN'T LEARNED A DAMN THING!" Mallory shouted back. "AND IT'S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE!"

"Wow, they are really going at it," Krieger walked in the break room. "And yet Cheryl is still passed out cold on the copy machine."

"Boy did she go back hard on the groovy bears," Pam remarked.

"MOTHER I AM THE WORLD'S GREATEST SECRET AGENT!" Archer shouted.

"THEN START ACTING LIKE IT!" Mallory challenged. "INSTEAD OF A DRUNKEN TODDLER! YOU'RE OVER FORTY YEARS OLD STERLING! IT'S TIME TO MAN UP!"

"I SAVED THE FREAKING WORLD FROM DROWNING!"

"GOODY FOR YOU!" Mallory sneered. "NOW YOU CAN SAVE OUR AGENCY FROM DROWNING IN DEBT!"

"You are recording this right?" Ray asked Krieger.

"Oh yeah," Krieger nodded. "The cameras I secretly put in Ms. Archer's office are working perfectly."

"YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!" Archer shouted. "I WAS IN A COMA!"

"WAS! PAST TENSE!" Mallory shouted back. "HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO MILK THAT DRIED UP OLD COW?"

"WELL YOU'RE AN EXPERT ON THAT SUBJECT AREN'T YOU?" Archer shot back. "YOU OLD…Uhhhh…"

"Oh, dear God…" Ray's jaw dropped.

"He didn't!" Pam gasped.

"He did," Krieger winced.

"I'M WHAT?" Mallory screamed.

SLAP!

"Ooohhhh…" Ray and Pam winced from the sound.

"I could feel that from here," Ray winced.

"I know," Krieger grinned. "Man Ms. Archer is really sexy when she's mad isn't she?"

Pam paused. "He's not totally wrong."

SLAP!

"GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!" Mallory screamed.

"FINE! BUT NOT BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO!" Archer shouted back. "ONE DAY I AM GOING TO LEAVE THIS PLACE!"

"WHAT DAY IS THAT STERLING?" Mallory shouted. "TELL ME THE DAY! I CAN PUT IT ON MY CALENDAR AND PLAN A PARTY!"

"SO WILL I!" Archer shouted. "IT WILL BE JUST LIKE THE ONE I'M HAVING FOR YOUR FUNERAL!"

"YOU WISH!" Mallory sneered. "TRUST ME STERLING, I PLAN TO OUTLAST YOUR BOOZE RIDDLED VENERIAL DISEASED BODY FOR A LONG TIME!"

"Such a lovely thing when a mother and son have a heart to heart," Ray rolled his eyes.

Archer stormed into the breakroom. He had a very large red slap on his right cheek. "God Archer," Pam remarked. "A palm reader can read your mother's fortune on your face."

"Tough day, Bunky?" Ray said mockingly.

"Mother's slashing my expense account in half," Archer groaned as he took a bottle of scotch out of one of the cabinets. "I actually have to pay for stuff out of my own pocket now!"

"Still mad about the lemur huh?" Krieger asked.

"Among a few other things," Archer groaned as he sat down. "And now my paycheck has been cut too! Carol makes more than I do!"

"You do realize she's a billionaire with a billion-dollar company, right?" Ray asked.

"I mean from this particular job!" Archer told him. "She makes more than I do. And half of her paycheck is made up of groovy bears and stickers!"

"Well some of those stickers are pretty expensive now," Krieger admitted.

Archer grumbled. "I'm telling you guys; a different career is looking better every day!"

"And how's that going?" Ray asked.

"Not so good," Archer admitted with a sigh as he drank his scotch from the bottle. "Did you know a lot of spy agencies test you for alcohol and drug use? Even before you get an interview? And apparently they're really uptight about any past sexual harassment write ups in your file."

"Considering you've had at least a few hundred of those," Ray drawled. "I can see how that would be a problem for you."

"It's not a few…" Archer paused. "Hang on." He started to count in his head. "Does it count if the same person writes up more than one?"

"Yes," Pam nodded. "Each count is separate even if a person filed a complaint before."

"Okay well then there's…" Archer paused. Then started counting.

"All the ones from Lana count," Pam added. "And Cheryl. And all the other assistants Ms. Archer had. Including Crazy Andrea."

"Oh…" Archer winced. "She wrote a lot of those."

"I got freaking writer's cramp after the whipped cream incident in the copy machine," Pam admitted.

"Don't forget Conway Stern," Ray pointed out.

"He wrote one too?" Archer did a double take.

"Penis touching incident," Pam looked at him.

"He started it!" Archer protested.

"That's not what it said in the report," Pam added. "Also, Cyril and several other male agents…"

"Why would I sexually harass Cyril?" Archer shouted.

"The naked towel fights in the locker room?" Ray barked. "Which you always start!"

"Yeah but…" Archer paused. "Those don't count! You guys aren't chicks!"

"They count," Pam asked. "If you're naked and whacking other naked dudes' butts in any way it counts. Trust me on this one."

"It does?" Archer blinked. "Oh…"

"If it helps," Krieger shrugged. "I didn't file a complaint for that particular incident."

"It doesn't," Archer remarked. "Honestly now that I think about it I think it makes it worse."

"There were also the Christmas Parties," Pam added. "The New Years Eve Parties…The Fourth Of Ju-Luau."

"That was the one I filed a complaint," Krieger added.

"Me too," Ray groaned.

"Oh, I forgot about the Fourth of Ju-Luau," Archer winced.

"I wish I could," Ray groaned.

"Me too," Pam nodded. "Hell, even I filed a complaint for that one!"

Archer sighed. "Okay. That number is in the hundreds. That explains why I haven't gotten any callbacks."

Pam sighed. "Archer I think you may have to go in a different direction if you want to make some extra cash. Why don't you try a side hustle? I make pretty good scratch in the occasional back alley fight and illegal drift race."

"I think I'll pass on getting my face beat to a pulp," Archer groaned. "Mother does that well enough."

"We all do something on the side," Ray spoke up. "I sell some lovely crochet cat dolls on Etsy."

"There's a market for that?" Archer asked.

"Oh yeah," Ray nodded. "Cyril does his neighbors' taxes as a side job. Lana used to do courier work before she got married to a billionaire. Krieger has his blind box figure business."

"That's starting to wind down a bit," Krieger admitted. "I knew I shouldn't have made the one where they're all police officers. Did you guys know that pig is an offensive word to cops?"

"We've been aware of that," Archer groaned. "What about Carol? What's her side hustle?"

"She's a billionaire," Pam looked at him. "This job is her side hustle."

"Technically it's more of a hobby," Ray corrected.

"Huh," Archer thought. "You know you guys might be onto something? Why should I wait for Mother to give me money? I can make it myself!"

"That's the spirit!" Pam grinned. "Hey, you're good looking. You could make a lot of money as a gigolo!"

"I'm not being a gigolo, Pam!" Archer snapped. "I need to find a hobby I enjoy and can make money off of."

"Yeah being a gigolo," Pam nodded. "What? Can you honestly tell me that's not your favorite thing to do?"

"I'm not a hooker Pam!" Archer snapped.

"True," Ray quipped. "Hookers get paid more than you."

Archer blinked. "God damn it…Okay but I don't have sex for money! I do it for the love of the sport!"

"How many honeypot missions have you done over your career?" Pam looked at him.

"Are you kidding me?" Archer snorted. "I'm like the Babe Ruth of seducing…Oh."

"Yeah, oh!" Ray rolled his eyes.

"God damn it," Archer groaned. "I don't believe it."

"I know," Krieger grumbled. "Some people have all the damn luck. What? You think I don't want people to pay for my body instead of my mind once in a while?"

Pam turned to Archer. "Okay so let's figure out what your side hustle is. How about being an Uber driver or something like that?"

"And let strangers into my car?" Archer scoffed. "Pass."

"You let a homeless man drive your car," Pam pointed out.

"God damn it…" Archer groaned. "I still can't get the smell out."

"You can sell some of your clothes online," Krieger pointed out.

"I wouldn't even sell Cyril's clothes online!" Archer snapped. "To be fair he does have taste enough that his sweater vests are cashmere. But no!"

"How about pig walking?" Krieger suggested.

"You mean dog walking?" Ray asked.

"No, I mean pig walking," Krieger told him.

"Hell, no!" Archer barked. "And no on the dog thing too!"

"Awww," Krieger pouted.

"Hey wait a minute," Pam realized. "How about our Krieger Kollege thing? You can make a few videos teaching something!"

"Didn't that recently get shut down by the Department of Education?" Ray asked.

"And a few other agencies, yes," Krieger sighed. "That's out!"

"There goes my extra two hundred bucks a month," Pam groaned.

Krieger snapped his fingers. "I've got it! I could start up my sex toy business again. The statue of limitations in Japan is about to run out soon and…"

"NO!" Everyone else said loudly.

Krieger shrugged. "Just a thought."

Archer realized something. "Hang on! I've got it! Remember that time in Sharper Image? That manager lady said I could be a perfect spokesmodel for her company. Well after I banged her but still…"

"Archer," Pam told him. "Sharper Image went out of business years ago."

"WHAT?" Archer barked. "That explains why I haven't been getting any catalogs from them. Damn it. I liked that store."

"You realize in the modeling world you'd be considered a senior citizen, right?" Ray added.

"Ugh," Archer groaned. "Well the good news is I can have dessert tonight when I go to Club 21."

"Archer," Pam looked at him. "Club 21 went out of business too."

"Wow," Archer blinked. "This is a lot of bad news for one day."

"You might want to rethink the whole gigolo thing," Pam told him. "So far that's your most realistic side hustle."

"No, no!" Archer protested. "No! Hang on. Maybe I should start my own business? Lots of people do that! I can create my own business doing something I'm good at. AND DON'T SAY GIGOLO, PAM!"

"Fine," Pam huffed. "Just don't say I didn't contribute!"

"I just have to find a business that works for me," Archer told them.

"Like what?" Ray quipped. "Rent A Spy?"

Archer blinked. "Huh. That's not a bad idea. That might work! Thanks Ray!" He left the room in a hurry.

Ray looked at the others. "He knows I was joking right?"

"I don't think so," Pam realized. "This will not end well."

"It rarely does," Ray sighed.

A few days later…

"What kind of video project?" Mallory asked. Except for Archer, the members of the Agency were in the bullpen. Krieger was at a computer.

"A commercial for Archer's new business," Krieger told her.

"What business is that?" Mallory asked. "Professional gigolo? Because that's the only one he'd make any money at."

"I thought that too!" Pam spoke up. "But he said no."

"So what kind of crazy business did Archer come up with?" Lana asked. "Because he barely does the job he already has!"

"Well you know how Archer takes things people say a little too literally?" Pam asked. "Ray was joking around about possible business ideas…"

"Thanks for throwing me under the bus!" Ray snapped. "Archer made this decision to create his own business on his own!"

"Oh please," Mallory rolled her eyes. "The only things Sterling can create are trouble, the occasional cocktail and charges to his expense report."

"Well he made a commercial to put online and everything," Krieger told her.

"This I have to see," Mallory groaned. "Bring it up Krieger."

Archer was on screen. "Are you being blackmailed? Is someone threatening your life? Did someone take someone or something of yours and you want it back? Or do you simply have a snooty neighbor that's just being a bitch? Then you need Rent A Spy!"

"For the record," Ray spoke up. "I was joking when I suggested this!"

"Obviously," Mallory blinked. "What kind of name is Rent A Spy?"

"Hi! I'm Sterling Archer world's greatest superspy," Archer spoke as several picturesof him in action were shown. "I've saved the world several times and now I'm available to save your wallet! I'm offering high spying class services for low class prices."

"This is low class all right," Lana groaned.

"You don't have to be a multibillionaire or some high-ranking government agent for my services!" Archer was in his office wearing a smoking jacket smoking a pipe. "For example: Say you're a college student who spent way too much time partying and not enough time studying. Not that there can ever be too much partying, am I right? Well you don't have to worry about cramming for that test. For $299 I'm willing to sneak into your school and steal the test answers for you. And if your teacher is a reasonably hot woman I'm willing to seduce her for free!"

"Based on his grades he's done that for free," Mallory groaned.

"Or say you want to get into a school but can't afford it?" Archer asked. "Even though you're an egghead and are smart enough? For that same price, $299 I will blackmail and or seduce the head of admissions into letting you in! Obviously, the seducing part if she's a chick."

"Calling the Varsity Blues Squad Line One," Ray groaned.

"Ask me about my minority student discount," Archer added. "Or if you're a DACA dreamer sick of waiting, I can find a way to get you legal! One way or another! Se habla Espanol!"

"Calling Immigration Department Line Two," Ray added.

"What else can a spy such as myself do?" Archer asked on camera.

"A question most of us have been asking for years," Cyril added.

"Is somebody threatening your life?" Archer asked. "For 300 dollars I can beat them up for you!"

"Police Line Three," Ray sighed.

"Or burn down their garage!" Archer added.

"Arson Squad Line Four," Ray went on.

"Pffft," Cheryl scoffed. "Who would pay three hundred dollars to burn a garage when you can do it yourself for free? He's so ripping people off!"

"Yeah that's the problem here," Cyril said dryly.

"Say you have a bitch of a neighbor who thinks they're better than you?" Archer kept going. "With my services I can seduce her and take pictures for blackmail! That payment is negotiable. Depending on how hot she is."

"Oh God," Ray groaned. "He is offering his services as a gigolo!"

"I told him to do that," Pam said proudly.

"Thank you, Pam!" Mallory said sarcastically.

"So why not try Rent A Spy?" Archer asked. "Why should governments have all the fun? Just call 555-RNDY! Yeah, I know the letters don't spell Rent A Spy but some other place has that number. It's close enough! Call today!"

"It was a joke!" Ray protested.

"This is a joke!" Cyril groaned.

"Perhaps not?" Mallory thought aloud.

"WHAT?" Everyone said at once.

"Obvious buffoonery aside," Mallory explained. "This idea of broadening our clientele isn't the worst thing Sterling has come up with."

"You're going to rent us out to steal test answers?" Pam asked.

"No, you idiot!" Mallory snapped. "I mean finding new clients that may need our particular talents on a smaller scale. True they may not pay as much as one big client however…"

"You're looking for quantity over quality?" Cheryl scoffed. "Good luck with that! Not everyone is a billionaire like me!"

"I think that's what she's counting on," Cyril remarked.

"If you're quality, I think I want to try something else!" Mallory snapped. "I mean instead of dealing with a multibillion dollar company that wants us to steal their rival's secrets…"

"We deal with a crazy housewife who wants to steal her rival's cake recipe?" Lana asked.

"I know you're joking," Pam remarked. "But I know a lot of women back home would pay for that."

"You're saying there's an actual market for that?" Mallory blinked. "Interesting. Okay maybe we can work with this idea? Obviously, we can't send this travesty out but…"

"Oh, I wasn't supposed to put this online?" Krieger asked. "Because I already did."

"WHAT?" Mallory shouted.

"Oh my God!" Lana groaned.

"Again!" Ray protested. "I was joking! I didn't think Archer would take me seriously!"

"To be fair," Cyril pointed out. "He rarely takes anything seriously."

"I wonder if that's why the head of the CIA called this morning?" Cheryl thought aloud. "Twice?"

"What?" Mallory glared at her. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't know," Cheryl shrugged. "I didn't feel like it. Boy he was really mad for some reason."

Mallory looked at her phone. "Well this explains several messages I'm getting on my phone from the heads of several agencies. Ugh…Krieger take down this idiotic advertisement! Right now! Where's Sterling?"

"He's not here," Krieger told her. "He said he got a call for a job."

"Already?" Lana was stunned. "Who'd call for a spy that fast?"

Just then Mallory's personal phone rang. "Why do I have the feeling that this is the answer to that question?" She sighed as she answered it. "Hello? Sterling? Where are you?"

Mallory paused. "I see…Of course. I am aware Sterling! I just saw your stupid commercial! Stupid is a very accurate word considering the circumstances! Since when do you take anything Gillette says seriously? I'm not on his side! I'm…. Sterling shut up! Is the chief there? The chief of police you idiot! I figured. Put him on!"

"Oh, this is gonna be good," Cyril snickered.

Mallory sighed as she spoke on the phone. "Hello Frank. Yes. I know. I just found out now Frank! I know. I know! I just told you I found out now, right before you called! Of course, I didn't authorize this! If I'd known I'd have put a stop to it! Frank he's not very bright, what do you want from me? Besides the obvious. Look, how much do I have to contribute to the policemen's family fund this time? That much? Fine. I'll come down tomorrow morning with a check. No, you can keep him overnight! That's right. And tell Sterling that this is coming out of his salary! Goodbye Frank!"

She hung up. "That idiot Sterling got himself arrested in a prostitution sting! Some of the detectives saw his commercial online and decided to bust him! One of the female cops posed as a hot housewife with a grudge and…Well I think you can figure out the rest!"

"How much do you have to pay this time?" Lana asked.

"Enough to pay off three mortgages for the widows of fallen officers," Mallory sighed. "And at least fifty toys for their toy drive."

"Yikes," Ray winced. "That's why you're keeping him in the hooscow for a day."

"I figured Sterling could use a time out," Mallory admitted. "And I could use a break. But you and Pam are coming with me tomorrow to bail him out! And taking some of the money out of all of your salaries! That will teach you all to give Sterling stupid ideas!"

"I get why you're punishing Ray, Pam and Krieger," Lana spoke up. "But why the rest of us? We weren't even involved!"

"Exactly," Mallory huffed as she left.

"Thanks a lot, you three!" Lana barked at the others.

"Again," Ray snapped. "I was joking! I didn't think he'd listen to me! He never listens to anybody!"

"Figures the one time he does…" Lana groaned.

"Why are you bitching about this?" Cheryl asked. "I'm rich. You're married to a billionaire. It's only Cyril that's getting screwed over for something he didn't do."

"Oh," Lana blinked. "Right."

"It figures," Cyril groaned. "Why is it when Archer screws around, I'm the one who gets screwed over?"

"I don't know," Pam snorted. "But it's damn funny!"

Everyone glared at her. "Inappropes, Pam," Ray looked at her. "Inappropes."