I think that Liz is really dead. And somehow that last scene of the show left me feeling sorry for Ressler more then missing Liz. This is the second time that happened to him. He deserves all the happiness in the world so that is what this is about.


It was cold out and rainy for June. Perfect weather for a night in. Donald Ressler sat on the couch in his new home watching cartoons on TV. His fiancee, Laura, sat on his right, his arm wrapped around her and resting on her swollen belly. His unborn son kicked strongly at his hand, lashing out at the limits of his confined space. His left arm was wrapped around his daughter Agnes.

Liz's daughter Agnes. It had been almost two years since the night Liz was shot. Those two years had been the longest of his life. And yet somehow, looking back, it all felt like just yesterday.

He could recall the entire scene in his mind as though it had happened only minutes ago. Running down the sidewalk to Liz's side, his entire chest feeling like it was on fire. Dropping to his knees. The cold hard concrete beneath him. The pool of blood soaking the jean covering his knees. Liz's body, the warmth it used to hold fading. The empty carotid artery in her neck, no longer home to the steady beat it used to own. He remembered crying, begging, calling her name, all of it in vain. She was already gone. No amount of tears would bring her back. Not that he didn't try.

He remembered Aram and Cooper, their hands on his shoulders, under his armpits, lifting him up. Wrapping around his waist, his entire body weight leaning on them as they hauled him physically to the back of the ambulance. He remembered Park's hand in his all the way back to the hospital and up to his old room, back into bed.

He'd stayed in the hospital for a long time, that one run had set him back almost a week. Besides he had no desire to leave, to return to his empty apartment, to face his demons alone. And he didn't want to be on opioids when he left. He didn't have the self-control to manage his doses, to wean himself off. But he couldn't do the addiction thing again, not after last time. So he waited in the hospital until they prescribed only Tylenol.

Liz's will had dictated that Agnes be left to him as he was her legal caregiver. It hadn't surprised him - not in the least, but he didn't know how to care for her. So he had asked that she stay with until he was home again and able to care for her. And had agreed and she had stayed, blissfully unaware that her mother was dead and buried.

Ressler had attended the funeral, threatening his fellow agents if they wouldn't let him be there. So they had broken him out in a wheelchair and taken him, returning him to his hospital bed as soon as it was over.

It was in the hospital that Ressler had met Laura. She was a sister of the patient in the room next to him and had stumbled into his room on accident. When she had found him sobbing, completely alone, her saviour complex had been tripped and she held his hand, a perfect stranger and offered to be his sounding board. Out of a pit of grief and with nobody else, he had taken her up and told her everything, leaving out only the part about Liz's real criminal identity. She had introduced herself and left her number, and they had talked off and on. Her brother was in recovering from a surgery to remove his leg because of what had started as a diabetic ulcer. He had made lifestyle choices that had cost him his leg and more and there was considerable bad blood between them. She had soon found herself more comfortable in Ressler's room then his.

Then his Mom had shown up at Cooper's bidding, something he had been trying to avoid. Not because he didn't want her there, but because he didn't want to worry her and because he didn't think she'd understand. And she hadn't understood, not at all, but she had gotten him out of the hospital and back home, and kept him distracted for a little bit. But eventually she had left again, needing to return to her own life.

He had only been home a few days when he realized that he couldn't stay at his apartment. There was too many memories, everywhere he looked. It reached the point where he had shown up at Cooper's house at 3am asking to crash on his couch just so he could get the sleep his body so desperately needed.

It was Cooper who, treating him like a son, had helped him list his place and purchase a four bedroom house with a big back yard down the street from his own. It was Cooper who had enlisted Aram and helped convert one of the rooms into a princess room before Agnes' arrival.

Agnes had come to live with him about a month after Liz had died, and she had still had no idea. The task of telling her had fallen to him obviously and he had told her, honestly, exactly what had happened. She had screamed and kicked and lashed out, but he had pinned her arms to her sides and rocked her until it turned into sobs. Then he had wrapped her in his arms and carried her to his bed and they cried themselves to sleep.

After that things had changed a little. They still talked about Liz, almost daily, but life had gone on. Aram had made up some documents, including a paternity test, that claimed that Agnes was his daughter. Since he was the only one who could answer for his seed and who he may or may not have sired, and he had chosen this path, Agnes was his daughter now. He has told her to call him Daddy in public, saying it was important that everyone believe they were father and daughter, and she had. It had eventually become normal and she called him Daddy all the time.

He had failed at being a father, initially. He bought the wrong clothes, let her stay up too late, let her watch movies she didn't understand, and didn't know how to communicate with her. But he'd gotten better with time and now he did alright.

The taskforce had gone on with Reddington, almost as though Liz had never existed and it had bugged him a lot at first. But now it was just another fact of life. Like the fact that Liz was dead. The fact that the woman he loved had died in his arms from a bullet wound in the middle of the street, not once, but twice now.

It had taken him another month yet to work up the strength to visit Liz's grave and show Agnes her mother's final resting place. He had put up a picture of Liz in Agnes' room, not waiting her to forget what her mother had looked like. For himself, well Liz had joined Audrey in a special place in his bedroom, only for him to open and remember when he was alone. And in his heart of course. He had answered Agnes' questions to the best of his ability when they arose and he told her stories about her Mom whenever she asked. He had explained his relationship with her mother to her as best as it was possible for a child her age to understand.

It had taken him half a year to answer Laura's calls, which came often. He had fallen out of touch with her after leaving the hospital, despite agreeing to the opposite. They had talked more often after he had picked up that first time and he had agreed to a date with her about a year after Liz had died.

He hadn't forgotten Liz, he never would, but repetitive history (and a very expensive therapist) had finally convinced him that it was okay to move on. He still had years of life ahead of him and he deserved to be happy for them

Going out with Laura had felt good. She had accepted him for who he was and she had no qualms about Agnes. He'd made it very clear that they were a package deal and that Agnes would always come first for him.

They went out for dinner and took Agnes mini golfing and to the zoo. It was the happiest that either of them had been since Liz's death. Despite his original beliefs and his every intention not too, he had learned to love again. Human resilience was real.

Being with Laura had also reminded him that he was still a man and he still had needs. And desires. And the first time they kissed, he had been the one to instigate it, she had waited for his move. But even then it was another couple months before he finally took her to bed and when he did it hadn't been as easy as he'd wished. He almost hadn't been able to follow through, remembering the last person he'd been with, but Laura had been undeniably patient. And when he did follow through he has cursed his body, the male anatomy and physiology, and the power it had over his mind and his heart. But the second time had been easier, and he had done it for her as well as for himself and soon when they slept together it felt natural and right and he didn't want to be anywhere else.

She had moved in then, and they had built a life together. He had rebuilt again, after being destroyed. They had gotten pregnant, by accident, but still it their child and they had made it in love.

And just last week he had asked her to marry him. And he had asked because he truly loved her and he wanted to marry her. After Audrey died, he hadn't believed it was possible to love again, but Liz had proved him wrong. And now, after Liz, Laura had done the same.

Laura was different then both of them. Where Audrey and Liz had been dark and small, Laura was naturally baby blonde and tall. She stood only 3 inches below his own six feet. Where Audrey had been quiet and timid, Laura was bubbly and driven. Where Liz had been fearless and hard to read, Laura was open and loving.

And now she was the mother of his unborn son, 32 weeks in utero. A son that was truly his, with every cell of his existence. A child he had longed for for several years, desired for decades before that. A child he hadn't thought he'd ever have, especially not as his thirties slipped away and he crossed the hill into his forties. A child he'd thanked God for every day since the day Laura had handed him a ultrasound picture and told him he was going to be a Daddy.

And so it was that as he sat on the couch with all three members of his family in his arms he realized that the second anniversary of Liz's death was the next day. He had known of course, all along, but as Agnes watched cartoons and Laura chatted to her best friend about wedding plans and his son ran a race he would both win and lose because he had no competitors, Ressler reminisced. Tomorrow they were all going to visit Liz's grave, he'd already talked to Laura, and then in the weeks that followed they'd finish getting ready for the baby and planning the wedding that would happen after his birth.

He reflected on his conversation with Agnes earlier that afternoon.


"Agnes is sulking on the couch again" said Laura, "she's been doing that a lot lately. Ever since we told her we were getting married. She won't talk to me, maybe you should try."

"I'll try" Ressler agreed. He walked into the living room and sat down on the couch beside Agnes while Laura hung back in the doorway.

"Hey munchkin" he began, "how you doing. You seem a little down."

"I miss Mommy" said Agnes and he was surprised at her openness. "I don't want Laura to be my new Mommy."

She had never called Laura Mommy, never anything but Laura, and they had never pushed her to. She already had a mother. It wasn't like with Tom. She didn't remember Tom, he'd never been a father to her, at least not in her memory, so Ressler becoming her father wasn't a replacement. But Liz had been a mother, and Agnes was old enough to always remember that and she could never be replaced.

"She isn't your new Mommy" said Ressler gently. "Mommy will always be your only Mommy. Why do you think Laura would be?"

"Because you are marrying her. You're my Daddy so if you marry her that makes her my Mommy. Mommies and Daddies are married."

"Not always" said Ressler gently. "We are getting married - yes. But that doesn't make Laura your Mommy if you don't want her to be. It only makes her Daddy's wife. You can still call her Laura."

"Oh" said Agnes. But she still looked sad.

"Do you wish Daddy wasn't getting married?" Ressler asked gently. It mattered to him what she wished.

Agnes just shrugged. "I don't understand" she said.

"What don't you understand?" he asked. She had been through a lot on her life and she understood so much that sometimes he forgot she was only seven and a half.

"You told me that you loved Mommy and you always would. If you love Mommy how can you marry Laura?"

Ressler was very aware of how fragile the situation was and he was also aware that Laura stood in the doorway and could hear every word he said.

"Can I tell you something?" he asked.

Agnes nodded.

"A long time ago, before I even met your Mommy, I used to be in love with someone else. Her name was Audrey. She was very pretty and very kind and very funny. She had been Daddy's best friend and Daddy loved her."

"Before you loved Mommy?"

"Before I loved Mommy. And Daddy and Audrey were engaged too - the way that Daddy and Laura are now. We were going to be married and Audrey was pregnant too with Daddy's baby, same as Laura."

"What happened?" asked Agnes, realizing that Audrey and the baby both didn't exist.

"Audrey was killed too. The same way as Mommy was. A bullet. It killed the baby too, because the baby was too little, still tiny and hidden in her belly."

"That's sad" said Agnes authentically.

"It is sad" agreed Ressler. "And I was sad too. For a very very long time. I missed Audrey and the baby and I didn't think that I would ever be happy or love again. But then I met your Mommy and you know what?"

"What?"

"I was wrong. Your Mommy showed me how to be happy again. And she showed me that I could love again. And she helped me to understand that not only could I - it was okay for me to be happy and in love again. Being with you and your Mommy, it didn't mean that I loved Audrey or our baby any less."

Her eyes clouded over and he knew he was losing her.

"What I'm trying to say Agnes - is that this is the same thing. Except this time - it's your Mommy who died. And you are the baby, except you are bigger and you were already born. And Laura - she's the one who has helped me be happy again. And being with Laura does not mean that I love Mommy any less, okay? I will always love your Mommy."

"Was it the same for Mommy?" asked Agnes, "after my real Daddy died?"

Ressler was quiet, letting her continue.

"Were you the one who helped Mommy be happy again after my first Daddy died? Did Mommy love you too, even while she still loved my real Daddy?"

"Yes" said Ressler, "it's exactly like that. It's possible to love more then one person like that at the same time. Some day you'll understand."

"Okay" said Agnes, trying to digest everything she had just learned.

"For now" said Ressler, "you don't need to. I know you love your Mommy, and Laura is not trying to take that away. But Daddy does love Laura and he wants to marry her. The baby in Laura's belly is Daddy's baby and he needs to be here for it and be a Daddy to him like he is to you. Is that okay?"

"Yah" said Agnes. "I want you to be happy Daddy."

"Thank-you" said Ressler, "Daddy loves you you know. Do you feel better now?"

"Yes, much better" she said. Her face still looked confused though.

"What is it?" he asked, noticing that there was still something else.

"Well there's something else I don't understand" said Agnes.

"What?"

"What makes you the Daddy of Laura's baby but not me?" Ressler could feel the blood leave his face. "I mean - you said that you were the Daddy of Audrey's baby and you are the Daddy of Laura's baby, but I know you aren't my real Daddy because my Daddy was when I was a baby is dead now and you are only my Daddy because you take care of me now that Mommy's dead. So what makes you the Daddy of Laura's baby that's different then you being the Daddy of me?"

Now I'm in trouble Ressler thought. How does one explain this to a seven year old? Beyond the birds and the bees. He could just skip it knew, brush her off, say he'd tell her when she's bigger. But that she was asking clearly meant that she was okay with his pending nuptials and that was good. Besides he wasn't about to be avoidant and dishonest to his child. He'd answer her.

"The difference, sweetie, is that I started the baby in Laura's tummy, but I didn't start you in Mommy's tummy. Your real Daddy did that."

"What do you mean started?" asked Agnes. "Doesn't the baby start growing by itself. It's only Laura's baby right?"

"No Agnes" said Ressler carefully. "The baby can only grow after it's been started. Like a flower. It can't grow if it's not planted right?''

"Uhuh"

"It takes both a man and a woman to start a baby" said Ressler. "It's not just Laura's baby, it's Daddy's too. We started it together - do you understand?"

"I think so" said Agnes. "But how do you start it? Like with a flower you put the seed in dirt and you water it and you put it somewhere sunny. But how do you start a baby?"

"The man and the woman share a very special hug" said Ressler. "That's what Laura and I did and it made a baby. Same with Mommy and your real Daddy. You don't always know when you hug if the hug is special enough to start a baby, but sometimes it is. I'll explain it more when your older okay?"

"Okay!" Agnes was quiet for a bit and then she stood up. "Thank-you Daddy" she told him, "for answering all my questions."

"No problem sweetie. I love you. You can ask me anything, okay?"

"Okay" she agreed. "I'm glad that your my Daddy now" she said before hurrying off to play.


He smiled as he remembered. He had dodged a bullet there. Raising Agnes wasn't always going to be easy, but he would do it, gladly. She was and always would be Liz's daughter. Everytime he looked at her he seen Liz and he loved that he could do that.

He longed for Liz sometimes when something in particular hit him, he missed her everyday. Sometimes when he waxed philosophical he went so far as to think that life had screwed them over and they had deserved better. Maybe they had and maybe they hadn't, who was he to judge? Maybe this was just the realities of life. He'd been dealt a shitty hand, sure, but he'd seen worse, he seen worse at work most days. In the end, he'd lost Liz, yes, and it was terrible. But it was also final and he could move on. He'd learned to love again and he could live a full life yet.

He could sit here on the couch with Laura and Agnes in his arms, with his son awake and moving so much that he was sure Laura was going have to stand up and pee again soon because he was using her bladder as a trampoline. Liz wouldn't ever get that chance again. He did. So he had to live it for the both of them.