The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is hiding from the Woke Police. The Agency at a sensitivity training meeting. Oh boy…You can imagine where this is going. I did mention that the views of Mallory and company don't reflect my views, right? Well I'm doing it now. This group can teach you…

How To Be Insensitive

"All right everyone, sit your asses down and shut up!" Mallory ordered her staff as they entered the large classroom type room. "The sooner we get through this mandatory sensitivity meeting, the sooner we can leave!"

"Since when do we have to sit through this PC corporate cookie cutter crap?" Archer asked.

"Since these new things called the Me-Too Movement, the resurgence of civil rights protests, and the trial of Harvey Weinstein," Mallory snapped. "And let's be honest, the liberal elitists coming to power in the last election played a part too!"

"I take it this is the part where you go off to a bar for a while?" Pam asked. "Or are you just going to drink in your office?"

"Like JR Ewing," Cheryl added.

"I wish!" Mallory groaned as she sat down with the rest of them. "But apparently somewhere someone lost a spine and is kowtowing to the latest version of McCarthyism! That's what Cancel Culture is you know? McCarthyism run by socialists, hippies and the liberal media!"

"Mallory…" Lana sighed.

"And the liberal media is only in on this for two reasons," Mallory added. "One to slam conservatives that they are bribed to do by the socialist politicians to make it easy for them to push through their agenda. And the second to pacify their rapidly finicky audience of fellow liberals, minorities trying to get a soundbite for their cause and idiot 20 somethings who barely have the attention span of a fruit fly. Unless a major celebrity says something stupid or wears an outfit they don't like! Yeah! That gets their attention!"

"Just the words you want to hear at the beginning of a sensitivity seminar," Cyril said dryly.

"This is gonna be fun," Ray snickered to Cyril.

"Mother…" Archer sighed.

"We need another major World War or something," Mallory grumbled. "Maybe that will knock some sense into their brains. Or at the least thin out the herd."

"Yeah fighting in a war did wonders for you," Pam rolled her eyes.

"It did!" Mallory snapped. "It gave me a purpose for something greater than myself. Without the war I would have probably been another one of those flighty actresses. Oh, I'm not saying I wouldn't have been great at it and won a few academy awards…But…"

"Fake killing people doesn't give you the thrill of actually killing people," Cheryl spoke up.

Mallory paused. "Yeah that's pretty much it. You get it right?"

"Totally," Cheryl nodded.

"Mother," Archer winced. "It's never a good thing when your views match Carol's! Just saying!"

"Good morning!" An attractive brunette woman in a stylish blue and white power suit walked in. "I'm Ms. Rouse and I will be facilitating the seminar today on Diversity Empowerment and Acceptance."

"I thought this was a sensitivity seminar?" Cheryl blinked, confused.

"We don't call it that anymore," Ms. Rouse told her. "Sensitivity can be construed as a trigger word."

"If I have to listen to this crap all day I'm going to use a different trigger," Mallory grumbled.

"Since when is sensitivity bad?" Archer asked.

"Well I get a little gassy if I have too much Italian," Cheryl asked. "Or Chinese food."

"You're so skinny you look like you're sensitive to food period," Pam spoke up.

"Okay now this is an instance of body shaming…" Ms. Rouse coughed.

"I do get more sensitive to food around my period," Cheryl realized. "That's why I drink a lot and take various pills."

"Please tell me some of them are vitamins," Pam sighed.

"Odds are one of them is," Cheryl shrugged.

"You might just want to jump in and start," Lana advised Ms. Rouse. "This group isn't exactly the most focused. In fact, maybe you might want to keep it shorter than usual. I think the sooner this is over with the better."

"You don't think a seminar like this would benefit your office?" Ms. Rouse asked.

"If this was a normal office I would…" Lana sighed. "But with this group…Are you sure you can't just give us a pamphlet or something?"

"I'm with her," Archer pointed to Lana.

Lana added. "Let's be honest, this agency missed Woke Culture by sleeping in!"

"In my case literally," Archer added.

"Just start the seminar and push through every chance you get," Lana advised. "Again, this group gets off track really fast. So, you might want to keep things simple and fast."

"I think I know how to conduct a seminar, thank you," Ms. Rouse said diplomatically.

"Your funeral," Lana shrugged.

"I can't wait for us to begin this journey into acceptance, tolerance and greater inclusivity," Ms. Rouse said cheerfully.

"Inclusivity my ass," Mallory grumbled. "I'm a mature woman of a certain age running a company that has a black woman, a gay cyborg with a black hand, a former Nazi science project, whatever Pam is…"

Mallory then looked at Cheryl. "And the mentally impaired. If we were any more inclusive we'd be a Benneton ad! All we're missing is a blind psychic Eskimo!"

"Okay first of all," Ms. Rouse spoke up. "You can't say Eskimo anymore."

"Which really puts a crimp in the Christmas Song," Archer added.

"You should hear what they're saying about Baby It's Cold Outside," Ray added.

"It was written by a husband and wife!" Mallory shouted.

"The Christmas Song?" Cyril asked.

"No, Baby It's Cold Outside," Mallory snapped. "It was written by a husband and wife songwriting team originally intended to let their guests know it was time to leave the party so they could relax…"

"The original bum's rush in music form," Ray added.

"And then it was put in a movie called Neptune's Daughter," Mallory added. "Which was sung twice! Once with the guy making the moves and the other the woman was making the moves! Both sexes were equally represented! What the hell's the problem?"

"Well it is kind of rapey," Lana admitted. "The man…"

"Not always a man!" Mallory interrupted.

"Once it was Miss Piggy," Cheryl added.

"Give whoever it is on the other side a drink with something in it," Lana finished.

"The line is What's in this drink?!" Mallory asked. "That doesn't necessarily mean there's a roofie in there! It could be anything! I've asked that question a half dozen times myself and the answer is almost always ginger ale!"

"Or cranberry juice," Archer added. "It's a very versatile juice."

"Lots of health benefits too," Ray added.

"For all you know she could just be asking for the recipe!" Mallory sneered. "But liberals never even think of such an obvious answer!"

"I warned you," Lana sighed as she looked at Ms. Rouse's stunned face.

"Perhaps we should just go to the first exercise?" Ms. Rouse coughed.

"Good," Lana nodded. "Keep the Crazy Train moving along."

"The important thing to understand that this is a safe space," Ms. Rouse spoke up. "Everyone's opinion is valid."

"HA!" Mallory scoffed. "Pull the other one!"

"Let's go over how we can create respect and civility in the workspace," Ms. Rouse went on.

To this the entire agency erupted with laughter. "I don't understand," Ms. Rouse was confused. "What's so funny?"

"Oh, you have no idea," Cyril laughed.

"She really doesn't," Ray laughed.

"Doesn't have a clue," Cheryl laughed. "Poor deluded woman."

"Would have been better off with a pamphlet," Lana laughed.

"Okay…" Ms. Rouse was confused. "Did you know that a study found that over 60 percent of employees found their co-workers annoying habits negatively affected their work?"

"You mean like Archer getting liquored up and shooting everyone?" Ray asked sarcastically. "Because yeah, that's affected my work! A lot!"

"I don't shoot everyone," Archer protested. "Mostly Cyril!"

"Which I find extremely annoying!" Cyril shouted.

"I find it extremely amusing," Archer snickered.

"WHAT?" Ms. Rouse was stunned. "You shoot your co-workers?"

"Like I'm the only one!" Archer pointed to Cyril and Lana.

"I only shoot you!" Lana snapped. "And a couple times Brett."

"I don't shoot anyone here on purpose!" Cyril protested. "Like Brett."

"And me," Ray glared at Cyril.

"Are you still mad about Antarctica?" Cyril asked.

"YES!" Ray snapped.

"Oh, come on Ray," Cheryl waved. "Everybody knows that Cyril wasn't trying to shoot you. He was trying to shoot Archer!"

"I know that!" Ray snapped. "But the least he could do is keep his eyes open so he can aim!"

"You have a point," Cheryl nodded. "Cyril you need to stop being a pussy."

"Well its not like I purposely set fires!" Cyril shouted at her.

"Excuse me that language is…" Ms. Rouse did a double take. "Fires?"

"Yeah, Cheryl sets fires!" Cyril told her. "Right after she glues up!"

"I don't always glue up before I set fires!" Cheryl snapped. "Sometimes I just take drugs before."

"Too bad one of them isn't anti-psychotic medication," Pam quipped.

"Well at least I don't go around the office raping people with octopus porn!" Cheryl snapped. "I just seduce them!"

"Oh, it was just that one time," Pam waved.

"Several times," Cyril snapped.

"Oh God," Archer blanched. "I'd forgotten about Brett's birthday party at that sushi restaurant."

"Yeah that men's bathroom got a little too freaky even for me," Krieger admitted.

"Why do you think I was always by Sterling's side when he was in a coma?" Mallory asked. "I didn't want you to make some other disturbing porn while he was unconscious again!"

"You're one to talk!" Pam shouted. "You jump any guy's bones you get a chance to!"

"I'm a powerful woman with powerful needs," Mallory sniffed.

"You're an old slut that's what you are," Cheryl added.

"The only reason I don't slap you is that you would find that a turn on," Mallory glared at Cheryl. "And the fact that you called me a slut instead of a whore. Which admittedly is more accurate. I never slept with a man for money. I do it for the sport!"

"Uh…" Lana began.

"Honeypot missions don't count!" Mallory snapped. "Besides I ended up assassinating 3 out of five of my targets anyway."

"What about all those losers you slept with to fund the agency?" Archer asked.

"First of all, most of those men weren't losers!" Mallory told him. "Three out of five were very wealthy. And extremely cultured."

"And the other two?" Pam asked.

"Okay those were losers," Mallory admitted. "But not the majority of them. And it was technically work related so…"

"Well when you were working for the CIA you used to sleep around with your bosses all the time," Ray pointed out.

"Hang on!" Ms. Rouse spoke up. "Okay in the first place…Let me take a second to process all of this…In the first place if that's true then Ms. Archer's bosses used their position to force sexual favors onto her!"

"Not in her case," Pam told her.

"Don't victim shame!" Ms. Rouse snapped.

"Victim? Oh please," Mallory waved. "Sleeping around with the management back in the day wasn't just a way to get ahead. It was a way to sneak into their files and steal information. And blackmail them."

"What?" Ms. Rouse did a double take.

"Now that I think about it," Mallory admitted. "My problems began when that one manager wouldn't sleep with me. The little tease talked a big game, but when it came down to the wire, he ran crying to HR claiming I was trying to rape him! And that's when things started to unravel."

"Mallory Archer makes Lola Monez look like a nun," Lana quipped.

"Okay…" Ms. Rouse looked like she was going to hyperventilate. "Okay…This is a lot. This is a lot!"

"Really?" Cyril asked. "This is pretty much a normal day around here. Without the bullets or rampaging flesh-eating pig."

"Oh, are you going to go over that again?" Krieger asked.

"I keep telling you to get better locks for your lab you Nazi Nitwit!" Mallory snapped.

"I was never a Nazi!" Krieger protested. "Formally."

"Right, technically you were a Nazi experiment," Cheryl snorted.

"Oh, this is a lot…" Ms. Rouse looked disturbed.

"What's the matter Snowflake?" Mallory quipped. "Melting from the heat of real life?"

"She can't say I didn't warn her," Lana sighed.

"Let's just move on, shall we?" Ms. Rouse's voice squeaked a bit. "Where was I?"

"You're right here," Cheryl spoke up. "Standing in our training room. Don't worry. I get confused on where I am all the time."

"Maybe if you didn't sniff so much glue," Ray suggested. "You'd remember what your name is!"

"I know what it is today!" Cheryl told him. "I wrote it down!" She held up a piece of blank paper. "Oh, wait I forgot to do that. I'm still Cheryl, right?"

"Unfortunately, yes," Mallory groaned.

"Okay…" Ms. Rouse took out a piece of paper and read from it. "Before acting you should consider the impact of your words and actions on others."

"Like keeping your damn eyes open before you shoot a gun!" Ray looked at Cyril.

"I said I was sorry!" Cyril snapped. "God it's not like you haven't been shot by other people here before!"

Ms. Rouse pressed on. "Create an inclusive work environment…"

"Using every type of lunatic, deviant and weirdo on the spectrum," Mallory interrupted. "Check!"

"Only by recognizing and respecting individual differences…" Ms. Rouse's voice raised. "Can your organization fully realize its potential."

"Ha!" Cheryl scoffed. "The only potential this dump has is how big of a crater we'll make when Krieger finally blows this place up! I'm not saying that won't be fun…"

"Adopt a positive and solution driven approach in resolving conflicts," Ms. Rouse coughed.

"Hopefully by not throwing acid in everyone's faces!" Pam snapped at Cheryl.

"You take the fun out of negotiating you know that?" Cheryl pouted.

"Rely on facts other than assumptions," Ms. Rouse pressed on. "Acting without all the facts can damage relationships."

"As well as walls, offices," Ray drawled. "Vital organs…"

"Let it go, Elsa!" Cyril snapped.

"Include others in your focus by considering their needs," Ms. Rouse continued loudly. "Avoiding the perception that you are the center of the universe."

Everyone looked at Archer. "What?" He asked.

Ms. Rouse went on. "You need to self-monitor yourselves in all areas of communications. Including verbal, body language…"

She noticed Mallory was ignoring her and drinking from a flask. "And listening! Ms. Archer!"

"What?" Mallory asked.

"This is important," Ms. Rouse spoke up.

"Agree to disagree," Mallory shrugged and took another drink.

"This seminar is how to recognize bias and remove it from the workplace," Ms. Rouse told her.

"Oh please!" Mallory waved. "You show me someone who doesn't have any bias at all against anyone or anything and I'll show you a robot! Or someone from another planet. Which I suspect is where you liberals stick your heads in. When they're not up your asses."

"Should have just stuck with a pamphlet," Lana sighed.

"Let me tell you something about your generation's overreaction to everything in the world," Mallory told her. "Okay, yeah there's a lot of bad things that happened. Even good people do bad things. The founding fathers owned slaves and had sex with them. We threw millions of innocent people into internment camps. We stole land from Native Americans, stuck them on a reservation and didn't even bother to put in some decent restaurants and shops. But that's life sweetheart! That's the real world! It's not all sunshine and unicorns and rainbows coming out of your tight little asses!"

"Oh boy…" Archer winced.

"Here we go," Ray snickered.

"Did it ever occur to your tiny little brain that every generation had a problem with a lot of things that went on?" Mallory snapped. "Look how long it took for women to get the vote in this country, let alone be elected to office!"

"She would know," Cheryl added. "She was there."

"And nowadays you brats think it's your god damn right to get all the freedoms we worked hard for," Mallory snapped. "You just want everything given to you! Free health care! Gimme! Free college! Gimmie! I should have money and power and be a huge political power! GIMME! GIMME! GIMME!"

"To be fair," Pam spoke up. "A lot of white guys used to think that last one for a long time."

"Mostly the Kennedys," Cheryl added. "And the Bushes."

"Did everything my generation do was perfect? NO!" Mallory admitted. "But that wasn't our fault! Blame our parents!"

"Is there a point to this ranting?" Ms. Rouse was annoyed.

"Is there ever?" Cheryl quipped.

"My point is that your generation wants to live in some weird sterilized bubble," Mallory explained. "Where everybody talks the same and acts the same and god forbid someone says what they think! So people say things that are offensive? It's called free speech! Somebody is always going to be offended about the things you say. But you can't take it personally. Unless you're Irish. Those people have it coming."

"What?" Ms. Rouse was confused.

"Don't ask," Lana rolled her eyes.

"Obviously there are some words you just can't or should never say," Mallory went on. "That's why you learn to speak in code."

"WHAT?" Ms. Rouse was stunned.

"Oh, dear lord," Ray groaned as he put his head into his left hand.

"It's like a verbal train wreck," Cyril admitted. "You want to stop listening to the screams of doom but you just can't."

"You know what it's called when people can't say what they think?" Mallory asked.

"Politeness?" Lana asked.

"Fascism!" Mallory huffed. "That's what you are missy! A fascist!"

"I am not a…" Ms. Rouse was flustered. "You can't say things like that!"

"Why not? Aren't you the one always talking about looking things from a broader perspective?" Mallory challenged.

"I'd sure like to check that broad's perspective," Pam quipped.

"Who?" Cheryl asked. "Ms. Arouse or Ms. Archer?"

"Pick one," Pam shrugged. "Is it too early to ask if you're interested in a date?"

"You're asking and not Archer?" Cyril asked.

"Honestly, I'm not that into her," Archer admitted.

"Why what's wrong with her?" Pam asked. "She's got a great ass and a great rack."

"EXCUSE ME?" Ms. Rouse shouted.

"What? I'm giving you a compliment!" Pam protested.

"It's not a compliment when it comes from a fat sexual deviant like you!" Mallory snapped. "Although I am surprised at Sterling's restraint. What's wrong Sterling? Usually by now you'd have gotten her in the closet pretending a candy bar wrapper is a condom."

"What? Can I not be into anybody?" Archer asked.

"Phrasing," Ray snickered.

"Since when are you picky?" Lana looked at him.

"I've matured Lana," Archer began. "You of all people should appreciate that."

"If that's a crack about my husband's age so help me I will shoot you in the ass!" Lana shouted.

"Oh, it totally is," Cheryl said cheerfully. "Shall I get you a gun?"

"Shut up you!" Mallory snapped at Cheryl.

"YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!" Cheryl screamed.

"YES, I AM!" Mallory yelled.

"Oh, right I keep forgetting," Cheryl blinked.

"God Cheryl," Ray said. "You need to cut back on the glue and drugs before what's left of your brain cells decide to colonize another brain!"

"I know you're not my supervisor!" Cheryl shouted at Ray.

"Excuse me," Cyril raised his hand. "I'd like to ask a question."

"Yes," Ms. Rouse sighed.

"Do I have any shot with you at all?" Cyril asked. "Any chance? Yes or no."

"I have another question. Do you have a brother?" Ray asked Ms. Rouse. "I'd rather hit on him."

"Oh my God," Pam groaned. "Ray I get, he's horny as hell. But Cyril come on…"

"What? Archer doesn't want her!" Cyril snapped. "Why can't I have a shot?"

"Go for it," Archer waved.

"I don't need your permission!" Cyril snapped. "Just hers!" He pointed at Ms. Rouse.

"NO!" Ms. Rouse shouted.

"To who are you speaking to?" Pam asked. "Just Cyril or…?"

"BOTH! EITHER! NO!" Ms. Rouse shouted.

"Jeeze I was just asking a question," Cyril groaned.

"God Cyril," Cheryl giggled. "You must have been voted most likely to die alone."

Cyril shot back. "At least I wasn't voted most likely to choke on my own vomit!"

"That was only because of a bad flu season!" Cheryl shouted.

"Suuuuurrree it was," Cyril said sarcastically.

"STOP IT! STOP IT STOP IT!" Ms. Rouse screamed. "YOU ARE THE WORST PEOPLE I EVER MET! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!"

"Oh, what are you going to do about it?" Cheryl mocked. "Cry?"

"I'm going to…I'm going to…" Ms. Rouse began to twitch.

KABOOOOOOOOOOM!

Cheryl blinked as Ms. Rouse exploded and fell apart. "Well played."

"What the…?" Lana did a double take. "She's a robot?"

"I was right!" Mallory crowed.

"I knew there was a reason I didn't find her that attractive," Archer snapped his fingers. "I think my cyborg radar is getting better."

"I thought it was weird that Krieger insisted on finding the office a sensitivity training instructor!" Pam realized.

"Krieger was in charge of…?" Ray did a double take. "Oh, that explains it."

"You made a sensitivity training robot?" Lana asked. "Instead of hiring a real person?"

"It seemed like the safest option with this group," Krieger shrugged.

"He's not wrong," Ray agreed.

"Good call," Archer admitted.

"I'll just forge her signature on the necessary forms," Krieger said as he picked up the pieces of his robot. "That should buy this office time until next year."

"We have to do this every year?" Cheryl called out. "Lame!"

"What she said," Mallory added.

"I don't know," Cyril said. "I liked it when the robot self-destructed."

"Me too," Cheryl admitted. "I just didn't like it when she was talking."

"Meetings are more interesting when there are explosions aren't they?" Krieger thought aloud. "I wonder if I can make fireworks come out of her head?"

"I'm amazed she didn't go all Terminator on us," Ray remarked.

"I know," Cheryl added. "Lame!"

"I say we finish this seminar at Pita Margaritas!" Pam spoke up. "What? The day was going to be wasted anyway. Might as well use it to get wasted."

"Technically we're not supposed to be working the rest of the day anyway," Cyril shrugged.

"It's two for one Wednesday," Pam added.

Mallory decided. "I'm in. Come on snowflakes. Let's have a real meeting with some real drinks!"

"Why not?" Lana sighed as they all started to leave the room. Krieger left the pieces of the robot behind.

"Hey I just realized something," Archer spoke up. "I was the good one in this meeting! Oh God, even I find that disturbing."