Fantastic Beasts | 30. Bruce | [scenario] Write about someone losing their temper
365 | 122. [dialogue] "Unless you have good news, don't say a word."
Scavenger Hunt (will be a part of Cal series)
Jet Plane | 22. Costa Rica | [emotion] rage

Summer Seasonal
Days of the Year | June 29th, Camera Day | Write a snapshot fic
International Pirate Month | 30. [trope] doomed/forbidden love
International Body Piercing Day | 45. Ashley piercing | [word] fresh
Colours | 3. Caramel

June Writing Club
Bromance to Romance | 4. [plot point] write about having faith in someone
Liza's Loves | 4. [dialogue] "I can't lose [her]."
Scamander's Case | 6. Clabbert | [colour] red
EnTitled | 2. My Mentor | Write about a mentor
Resolution Evolution | Writing Resolutions | 8. Write a fic with a word count between 1100 and 2200

Monthlies & Fortnightlies
Go Beyond | Step Three | 4. Bracers | [trait] supportive
Mother Sappho | 14. [emotion] helplessness
Euro Fever | Group B | 3. Denmark | [emotion] rage

WC: 1327

Warnings: Discussion of psychological and physical torture


o . o . o


leaving me wasted (please stop)

She's alive. That's all that matters. I repeat the words to myself over and over like a mantra, desperate for control. She's alive.

There are so many people I wish I could strangle with a fiery grasp right now. Maven is right at the top of the list. Samson Merandus is not far behind. A small part of me even puts Mare on that list for sacrificing herself. For leaving me all alone. Every day it takes all of my strength to continue without her. The driving force is knowing that one day the Colonel will acquiesce to my demands and let me find a way to save her. I just need her to hold on until then. She's alive.

Still, this broadcast and the reactions it's provoking from the Guard are threatening my control with every passing second. Some days, I wish they wouldn't show me these "lightning alerts". As hungry as I am for any glimpse of Mare, these images won't ever leave my mind. They will join the carousel of nightmares that parades through my dreams whenever I try to close my eyes. At least until Maven replaces it with some new, fresh horror.

I close my eyes as the video stops, trying not to see the bruises that blossom beneath Mare's skin or the helpless fury in her eyes. I try not to wonder what restraints bind her beneath the fine red gown. I try not to see the possessive, perverted gleam in Maven's eyes as he lays his hand on her arm. I try not to think about what he's doing to her, about what it means when he looks at her like that. Mostly, I try in vain.

I slam my hand down on the desk, hoping the sound or the sensation will round me in reality.

She's alive.

Breathe in.

That's all that matters.

Breathe out.

She's alive.

Breathe in.

She's alive.

Breathe out.

I can feel sharp tears of rage prickling in the corners of my eyes and I know my control is slipping despite my efforts. I need to get out of here.

"I've seen enough," I mutter under my breath, and I push my way from the room.

Not that anyone tries too hard to stop me. They can't scramble away from the disgraced, lovesick fire prince fast enough. It's always like this. Most of them are terrified of me. Many of them think I'm unhinged. Those who didn't initially believe the story about Mare seducing me into killing my father might now. With Kilorn and Farley, there is a truce that borders on friendship, bound by affection. They're the only ones who aren't afraid of me, though they don't trust me to do anything but fight for Mare. But at least they respect me a little bit.

Out in the hallway, I lean against the metal wall. With my back against it, I slide down until I hit the floor. I crumple, sagging under the weight of my worries. My head drops into my hands and my fingers weave through the ends of my hair. Long fingers. Fingers and hands that are all too similar to Maven's. Will Mare ever want my hands to touch her again after what Maven's doing to her?

Don't forget those things you said to her after Corros, when her brother wasn't yet cold, a nasty voice reminds me. It sounds like Maven. Not the twisted king, but my brother. The boy I thought I knew, the boy I remember. It likes to tell me that I am the monster, not Maven. Some days I think it's right.

I let out a strangled sob.

I hear the door open and look up to see Uncle Julian standing in front of me. He looks as calm as ever, never letting anyone else see his emotions. He is a man not easily read, and all I can make out now is concern for me.

"Unless you have good news, don't say a word," I snap, too frustrated to care that I'm being rude to someone I care deeply about.

"She's alive," he says in his calm voice. "She's fine, Cal."

His words spark anger in me again. He, of all the people in this base, should know the horrors that are plaguing Mare in the Capitol.

"She's not fine! He gave her to Samson -" my voice cracks on his name and I grit my teeth, slamming my head against the wall in frustration"- you know as well as I that Samson will tear her apart just for fun. He'll wreck her mind and Maven will destroy her body and there'll be nothing left of her. She can't…she can't wait forever, Uncle. And I can't lose her. I just can't."

"You won't win yourself any allies by storming around here and pretending you're the only one that cares," Uncle Julian says, his voice and expression still well controlled. "Look around you, Cal. There were many people affected by the sight of her in that room."

"Yeah, most of them angry with her, calling her a coward, a traitor!" I snap.

"They don't know. They don't understand what he can do."

I let his words sit for a minute. He's right of course. The Reds know only superficially - a whisper can read your mind, make you do things you don't want to. But they don't understand how that feels. They don't know that having someone else occupy your mind is worse than any physical pain. And they don't know the depths that Maven would sink to in order to get Mare to do his bidding. I can only imagine the horrors he's threatening her with for her to agree with to make that speech.

"Uncle…" I begin, glancing at the door that leads back to central command. I know why he's out here with me, I'm not stupid. The Colonel will not let me go quite so easily. There is more torture waiting for me yet. "I don't know what I'd do to get her back. They could make me do anything, and I…"

There's an irony in my situation now. A few months ago, Maven told the world that Mare had seduced me into killing my father. I doubt many believed the story. It was a silly, ridiculous story, and one of my few comforts was knowing that it could not have been further from the truth. I said no. I chose my country. I never would have given up my duty for her.

But now… now my whole heart is with Mare and I'm not sure there's any line I wouldn't cross just to keep her safe. When we were at the Notch, I knew people talked, and wondered… maybe part of Maven's twisted story was true. Mare's sacrifice and my behaviour since has only confirmed a lot of those thoughts for many, I'm sure.

"Cal, you are a good man," my uncle says, pulling me out of my thoughts. "You will do what is right. But you are a leader, prince or not, and it will not do to shirk your duty because you are angry and afraid."

His expression softens, a shift from instructor to uncle.

"I understand how you feel," he says, his voice low. He looks off down the hallway, eyes misty, and Cal knows he's thinking of Sara. "But you'll only torture yourself by dwelling on it. Busy yourself. Find something you still care about that you can focus on until the time comes to get her back. It'll be easier that way. And less dangerous."

"I'm not sure there is anything else I care about anymore," I admit, dropping my head in shame.

"I think you'll find there are still a great many things you care about, provided you care to look for them," Uncle Julian replies. "Come now, Cal, let us put on brave faces and return. We have work to do."

"Yes, Uncle Julian."