I think an alien stole the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. Just more madness from my tiny little brain.

My Evening With Bort

"God, I miss my cane," Archer stumbled into his kitchen in his pajamas. "More importantly I miss the knockout gas. I used to get such good night's sleep with that…"

"I don't know," A voice spoke up. "I think you were starting to get addicted to that stuff."

"Oh, who asked…?" Archer did a double take. "Who the hell is in here?" He pulled a gun from a canister and turned off the lights. "Put your hands up where I can see them!"

On the counter was a little green familiar alien with a bowl of Greebles in front of him. "I can't really do that," Bort The Garj told him. "No hands."

"Oh…" Archer put the gun down on the counter. "It's you."

"Hello!" Bort said cheerfully.

"What are you doing here?" Archer snapped.

Bort looked at the cereal. "Eating cereal apparently."

"You know what I mean!" Archer pointed. "I mean why are you here? I may be confused on a lot of things but I know for sure as hell that you're not real! You're a byproduct of my coma dreams!"

"Come on buddy," Bort told him. "Don't be like that."

"Don't you buddy me!" Archer snapped. "Not after what you did to us on your home planet! You got me tortured and you threw my friends into the arena like some space Gladiator knock off!"

"Okay first of all," Bort explained. "That was technically Barry 6 that did that. Not me. And secondly, if I'm just a byproduct of a dream…I'm not real and that never happened!"

"Oh," Archer blinked. "Right."

"Yeah," Bort said. "Not canon. Well with real life anyway."

"Well then why are you here?" Archer asked.

"How the hell should I know?" Bort snapped. "This is your hallucination. I just got dragged along for the ride."

Archer looked around. "I'm not even drunk, am I?"

"Well not by your standards," Bort told him. "You might want to hold back on the scotch after dinner. And maybe eat more dinner with your meals? And healthier. What? I'm just saying a salad every now and then isn't the worst thing you can have."

"This is starting to become a thing," Archer groaned as he went to get a drink from the refrigerator. "Should I be worried about this?"

"Most people would be," Bort remarked. "Then again most people don't drink as much as you do. So…"

"Or I could just roll with it and hope it goes away on its own," Archer admitted as he took a drink. "Hey it worked with my bed wetting."

"When you were thirty!" Bort told him. "What are you drinking?"

"Leftover kalua cream milkshake," Archer told him as he took a drink. "It's good. Despite being a little more liquid than usual."

"Uh Archer," Bort blinked. "Remember what I said a minute ago about having a healthier diet?"

"It's made from real milk and cream!" Archer snapped. "It's technically dairy!"

"Can't argue with that," Bort shrugged. "Look before we go on, I feel like I should apologize for the whole…Barry 6 slash gladiator thing."

"Eh, forget about it," Archer waved as he took a drink and sat down across from him. "It's technically not canon so it doesn't count."

"I still feel bad about it," Bort told him.

"Don't," Archer took a drink. "I have to admit, you're one of my politer hallucinations."

Bort went on. "Thanks. Look I don't want to be that guy…But you should see a doctor. A real one. Not Krieger. Do not go to Krieger!"

"Duh," Archer scoffed. Then took a drink.

"You should go back to that coma study," Bort told him. "They might be able to figure out what's wrong."

"Uh yeah but it might be a little awkward," Archer coughed.

"More awkward than talking to a green non-existent alien in your kitchen at two in the morning?" Bort asked.

"I dated one of the scientists and…" Archer admitted.

"Say no more," Bort waved a tentacle. "Got it."

"So…" Archer scratched the back of his head. "What do you want to do?"

"I don't know," Bort shrugged. Well as one can shrug without shoulders. "It's your call."

"Well I can't sleep so…" Archer paused. "Want to go for a ride?"

"Why not?" Bort said cheerfully. "I call shotgun!"

"Bort I'm the one driving," Archer told him. "There is no other seat. Unless you really want to sit in the back like some kind of Driving Miss Daisy thing."

"No, I mean an actual shotgun," Bort told him as he motioned with his tentacles. "You know? If we get into trouble. Ka-pow! Blow up some suckers! Right in the face! Yeah!"

Archer paused. "Bort, I like the way you think."

A while later Archer was dressed and driving along. "I tell you Bort, I forgot how it was driving around the city this late at night," He remarked. "God even at two am there's traffic."

"Yeah but it's nice to look at," Bort remarked. He was sitting in the passenger's seat up front. "As planets go Earth is pretty interesting."

"Sometimes it's a little too interesting," Archer admitted. "So other than the gladiator fights what's your planet like?"

"A lot like Earth," Bort said. "You know? Air, water, land, cities, farms, oceans, jungles…Our ocean's smaller than Earth's. And our planet isn't as polluted. Or overpopulated. Because you know? We have space travel."

"Oh," Archer realized. "That would cut it down."

"And our planet has like fifteen moons that we've colonized," Bort added. "That doesn't hurt. We turned the moon of Fla into a giant mega mall. With fifteen hotels. Three giant theme parks. Two museums. A huge zoo. A large aquarium. Six convention centers. A spaceport. Obviously."

"Duh," Archer nodded. "Otherwise how else would you get there?"

Bort went on. "Three marketing research firms. A huge warehouse and distribution center. For online sales. And a huge law firm."

"Law firm?"

"Specializing in park accidents, animal attacks and other lawsuits you can think of that goes with malls," Bort explained. "The firm of Bling, Blang, Fluffle, Fluffle and Skleek is very well known and respected within the retail industry."

"Really?"

"Blang is my uncle by the way," Bort added. "On my father's side. And Fluffle and Fluffle are mother and son. But not related to me. But good friends with my family. And Bling is the father of my first cousin's wife."

"What about Skleek?"

"We don't talk about Skleek," Bort admitted. "Well not since the Ponzi scheme trial."

"Gotcha," Archer nodded. "I'm hungry. Are you hungry?"

"I could eat," Bort admitted.

A short time later…

"Jesus what was the problem with that stupid cashier?" Archer grumbled as he ate a fried chicken strip wrapped inside a mini waffle. "You'd think that he'd never seen a guy order two buckets full of Mini Chick N' Waffles before!"

"I don't think it was the buckets," Bort remarked as he ate some food using his tentacles from the bucket. "As it was the fact that you were talking to an invisible alien."

"Well I needed to know if you wanted extra maple hot sauce!" Archer asked.

"I'm not saying it wasn't a bad idea," Bort told him. "This food is great! But you didn't have to threaten to shove the guy's head in a deep fryer."

"Eh," Archer waved. "He's a twentysomething loser in a dead end minimal wage job."

"Well he knows how to make fried chicken and waffles strips," Bort admitted. "I'll give him that. I'm surprised you let me eat in your car."

"Normally I don't," Archer admitted. "But I'm trying to get the smell of homeless guy out and I figure the food smell would cancel it out."

"Homeless guy?" Bort asked.

"Long story," Archer sighed. "Short version never trust a drug addict with your car. Even if you pay them enough money to buy lots of drugs. Because they will try to sell that car for even more drugs!"

Bort did a double take. "Is that where that loose tooth under the front seat came from?"

"It was a rather messy extraction," Archer admitted. "In more ways than one."

"Ah," Bort nodded. "That explains the smell."

"Hang on…" Archer noticed something.

"That smell isn't me!" Bort said quickly. "It was here when I got in!"

"Not that," Archer frowned. "I know that building! Over there!"

"An insurance agency?" Bort asked as he looked at the building.

"It's a cover," Archer told him. "Look, Juno Insurance. JUNO? As in the spy agency! I remember reading about that in their file."

"You actually read a file?" Bort asked.

"I was bored, okay?" Archer admitted. "And I wanted to know a little bit about JUNO. So that's where their office in New York is? Huh. God that's lame."

"Isn't the cover for your office a laundromat?" Bort asked.

"At least a laundromat is useful!" Archer said. "Plus, you don't have to fill out any paperwork. And you'd be amazed how much cheaper it is to do your laundry at work than at home."

"You actually do your own laundry?"

"Well I pay Pam an extra two hundred bucks and a bottle of Glengoolie Blue every time she does it," Archer admitted. "But it counts!"

"That's actually pretty reasonable," Bort admitted.

"Say what you will about Pam," Archer shrugged. "But she does know how to get blood stains out of clothes. Makes them look good as new. And I don't know how she dry cleans my tactile necks, but they are softer now and smell fresher."

"Well they have these new sheets now that you can just throw in the dryer," Bort explained.

"I did not know that," Archer blinked.

"Yeah you can do your own dry cleaning with a fraction of the cost and no worries about the guy losing your clothes," Bort nodded. "Or in your case, wearing your clothes on a date."

"That has happened to me a few times," Archer admitted. "Ugh. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss ODIN. At least they had a better building."

"Those guys are dicks," Bort told him. "Let's trash the place."

Archer thought. "Why not? But first we're gonna need some stuff."

"To the hardware store!" Bort called out.

"There are hardware stores in New York?" Archer asked.

"Uh it's New York," Bort looked at him. "Isn't everything in this city?"

"Good point," Archer nodded. "To find a hardware store!"

A few hours later…

"Whoo hoo!" Archer whooped as he spray-painted EAT A DICK JUNO all over the walls of the office building. "This is fun."

There were papers everywhere. As well as paint and silly string. Basically, the entire office was a mess. "I can't believe how easy it was to get in here," Bort remarked as he sat on a desk.

"I know right?" Archer asked. "You would think that a spy agency would be hard to get into."

"Well you did shoot up the alarm system," Bort remarked.

"Look what I found!" Archer pulled out a bottle from a desk. "What brand is this? Skipperton Scotch? Never heard of it."

"Must be a local brand," Bort remarked as Archer opened the bottle and drank from it. "How does it taste?"

"It's no Glengoolie Blue," Archer shrugged. "I mean it will do in a pinch."

A noise was heard. "Uh Archer…?" Bort gulped. "Buddy…We may need to go."

Archer drank some more of the bottle. "Doesn't have the smoothness of Glengoolie Blue and it is obviously a young brand. Not well aged. But it does have an interesting aftertaste. Pretty pleasant actually. I want to say…Cinnamon? No. That can't be right. Then again…"

"FREEZE!" One of three security officers shouted. "Don't move or…." They pointed their guns at him.

Archer instinctively threw the bottle smashing one of the officers in the head and knocking him out. Before the other officers could open fire, Archer grabbed the spray paint cans and aimed them right at their faces.

"AAAAH!" They screamed as they tried to claw off the paint.

"EAT A DICK JUNO!" Archer laughed as he knocked the blinded officers down and ran off. "Come on Bort! WHOOO HOO!"

"Yeah that's what I'm talking about!" Bort cried out as he ran behind Archer.

"WHOOO!" Archer whooped. Then he noticed things just started to get blurry. "Oh man. I think that scotch is stronger than I thought. Bort? Bort?"

Everything changed around Archer. He was in outer space. And wearing his Starship Seamus space suit. "Okay…" Archer looked around.

"Come on Archer!" Bort said cheerfully. "Let's fly off to outer space and have bitchin' adventures!"

"Why not? Whoo hoo!" Archer whooped.

Before he knew it, everything was a blur. Then total blackness.

The next thing Archer knew, he saw his mother standing over him and he had a huge headache. "Ugh…Mother…"

"Good Afternoon Sterling," Mallory said in a strangely indifferent voice. "Nice of you to join the waking world."

"Mother? What are you doing in my apartment?" Archer blinked as his brain started to try and escape his skull.

"I'm not in your apartment," Mallory glared at him. "You're at the office."

Archer looked around and found himself in his office. He was on the floor. Bottles and empty buckets of chicken were around him. So were several paper airplanes and other trash. "Oh."

"Sterling," Mallory looked at him. "Would you like to explain your actions?"

"Not really no," Archer shrugged.

Mallory took a breath before continuing. "First of all, I must admit that I found your vandalism of JUNO's office in New York…Well meaning. In fact, your actions border on…ambition and team spirit. With a strong hint of loyalty to this organization."

"Thank you," Archer said as he stood up. "But it wasn't me."

"Sterling," Mallory looked at him. "There's security camera footage of you drunkenly trashing the place. As well as babbling like a loon. But you were obviously drunk so that was to be expected."

"Oh," Archer paused.

"Not to mention some of their security forces saw you," Mallory added. "Before you blinded them with paint. Then again you proved their security was a joke so…Good job with that."

Archer blinked. "You're being unusually…Not you."

"Yes well," Mallory waved. "It's something new I'm trying. There's this new management style that emphasizes positive reinforcement. Finding the good in a situation and focusing on that."

"You're actually trying that?" Archer was stunned.

"In this particular case I believe it applies," Mallory admitted. "Seeing as I have as much respect for JUNO as I do for a public toilet. Less actually. A public toilet is a necessity and is useful."

"Well," Archer looked around for something to drink. "Good for you to focus on the positive in this case."

"That is the only positive in this case," Mallory's voice began to rise. "The negative is that you are a complete and total ASS!"

"Here it comes," Archer groaned.

"You know you drove your damn car into the laundromat?" Mallory snapped.

"What?" Archer blinked.

Outside a tow truck was pulling Archer's car out from the front of the laundromat. The sidewalk was blocked off and a few policemen were directing traffic.

"It's bad enough you trashed JUNO's office," Mallory glared at him. "Did you have to trash ours as well? It's going to cost me a small fortune to get that fixed!"

"To be honest the laundromat could use some renovation anyway," Archer shrugged.

"You realize that JUNO now has an excuse to retaliate against us, right?" Mallory snapped. "Which they did!"

"What did they trash our office?" Archer blinked.

"Worse!" Mallory snapped. "They trashed our reputation!"

"Is that even possible?" Archer snorted. "Damn it I swear I had another bottle of Glengoolie Blue around here."

"They showed that video of your drunken escapades to three prospective clients this morning!" Mallory snapped. "As well as reminding them of some of your other escapades. Do you have any idea how much money we could have made?"

"Do you have any idea where my Glengoolie Blue is?" Archer blearily looked around.

"And they filed a formal complaint with the powers that be," Mallory added. "And they were not amused!"

"You never explained to me who they actually are," Archer pointed out. "Is it the CIA? The FBI? Who?"

"Let's just say they have a few offices in the White House and leave it at that," Mallory told him.

"So, what? Cabinet positions?" Archer asked.

"Do you have any idea the position you put me in?" Mallory shouted. "I promised them when you came back that you would work hard and clean up your act! This didn't exactly fill them with confidence!"

"Well that was a stupid thing to do," Archer scoffed. "Seriously, do you see that bottle anywhere?"

Mallory grabbed his ear. "OWWW! OWW! OWW! MOTHER!" Archer screamed as Mallory dragged him out of his office. "WHAT THE HELL?"

"I've sent everyone else out on missions to try and repair the damage you caused!" Mallory snarled. "Stupid pointless assignments for the higher ups in order to appease them for no money! All because you had act like a drunken frat boy!"

"You sent them on missions without me?" Archer yelped. "OWWW!"

"Courier missions mostly!" Mallory snapped. "And in the case of Gillette he gets a night out and a date. Don't ask!"

"I won't tell," Archer quipped. "OWWWW!"

"I have a special job for you Sterling," Mallory snarled as she dragged him to the women's restroom. "For once you're going to clean up someone else's mess!"

"Ugh!" Archer winced as the smell hit his nostrils. "Damn it. Did Pam have linguini and clam sauce for breakfast again?"

"Yes," Mallory let go of his ear and pointed to some cleaning materials nearby. "You are going to clean both bathrooms until they shine like the Chrysler building."

"You can't make…" Archer began to protest. Then Mallory grabbed his other ear. "OWWWW! OW! OW! OW! OKAY! OKAY! OKAY YOU CAN MAKE ME! OWWW!"

"It was cheaper keeping you in the coma!" Mallory snapped as she let go of his ear. "Now get to work!"

"Damn you, Bort," Archer grumbled under his breath.

"What?" Mallory growled.

"Nothing," Archer covered as he started to clean up.