Feeling Blue

Starsky lay on the sofa, staring blankly at the magazine that he'd been trying to read. After the frenzied activity of the last couple of days, it felt almost strange to have time to stop and think and now he'd started thinking he couldn't seem to stop. The thoughts kept coming, as did the blue mood that had descended alongside them.

"She only said that maybe once she made a mistake."

Cindy's words kept coming back to him. He couldn't help wondering whether Helen might have given him another chance if he'd asked her. He even found himself wondering whether she'd really broken up with him because she knew that she would be going undercover; that maybe she hadn't really wanted to break up at all. Maybe she'd planned to seek him out once her assignment was finished. Now he'd never know for sure because she was gone and he could never ask her anything again.

He sighed. Like he'd told Hutch, the two of them had talked about having kids and that was something he'd never done with a woman before. Maybe it was a sign he was maturing, getting ready to settle down at last, like his mother kept on at him about. 'Find a nice girl. Settle down. I want grandkids before I'm too old to enjoy them.' Nice girl. Yes, Helen had been nice. They'd been good together. He smiled wryly and acknowledged to himself that they'd also had fights, but then he liked a girl with a bit of spunk. Maybe she'd been the one that was meant for him, but he'd never get the chance to find out now.

Maybe the unanswered questions about their relationship were why he was having such trouble shaking the feeling that life had cheated him somehow. Helen had been really special. What if she'd been the one and his chance for a happy life was gone? Was there only one person for everybody? Did that mean he was doomed to spend the rest of his life alone; no marriage, no kids? He hoped not. He sighed again. This line of thought wasn't getting him anywhere except a house in Depression-ville. He knew that and yet he couldn't seem to snap out of it.

He also knew his silence and brooding were worrying his partner. That's why Hutch had insisted that he hang out at his cottage after work – adding in the inducement of a home cooked dinner. When food was on offer, Starsky didn't need much persuading, but he was beginning to wonder if he should just take himself home, maybe drown his sorrows in a bottle of whiskey and then turn in for the night. He wasn't much company and it wasn't fair to Hutch to bring him down with his low mood.

Right on cue, as if he really could read his partner's mind, Hutch tried to get his attention and gently pull him out of his morose thoughts with a distraction by suggesting Starsky take a look at the sunset.

Not quite ready to try to be cheerful, he responded with: "Nah, that's okay."

Hutch wasn't going to give up that easily and told Starsky that he really should take a look at it. Refusing to look, Starsky protested that sunsets happened every night. Nothing out of the ordinary. Hutch waxed lyrical about said sunset like he was an artist not a cop, as he went over to the stove and pulled out a covered roasting tin. Something smelled delicious and reminded Starsky of a time or a place that he couldn't quite put his finger on.

He put his magazine to one side and walked over to the table. His partner was still talking. Starsky couldn't fault his friend; he really was trying hard the only way he could think of to pull Starsky out of Depression-ville and back into I'm-there-for-you-pal-town; even if it was a pretty weird way to go about it. Starsky teased his partner, trying to fall back into their usual bantering routine to reassure his partner that he was okay and would get over his sadness…eventually.

He was only half listening as Hutch said, "…like Helen. She existed, then she went away."

Starsky didn't know whether to wince at what seemed a tactless thing to say or cry that Hutch was trying to remind him to be grateful that he'd known Helen, even if it was only for a brief moment. He decided it was time to get out of Depression-ville before Hutch's clumsy attempts to show sympathy ended up in a soapy scene that he just couldn't deal with at this moment. Later, he'd spare a tear for Helen and what might have been; maybe say Kiddush too; and then he'd start the adventure again, the search for the person he could share a home with.

Suddenly, he noticed all the things he'd been oblivious to while he'd been taking a trip down memory lane; Hutch had changed into his 'best company' clothes and laid the table with his best wine glasses and candles.

"You expecting someone?" he asked, a little mystified.

"Yeah, that's why we're eating early," Hutch said, but then he revealed what was hiding in the dish.

Starsky was surprised to see it was his favourite meal. No wonder it had smelt so delicious and so familiar. Starsky was even more surprised when Hutch announced that he'd called his mother to get the recipe. His partner must really have been worried about him to do that. Even now, Hutch's eyes looked suspiciously shiny, like they had when he'd had to tell Starsky what had happened to Helen.

"Don't do that, Hutch," Starsky thought. "Please don't say anything more about how sorry you are for how I'm feeling or I'll lose it."

He took a sip of wine to try to smooth over the uncomfortable moment and nearly choked when Hutch said, "Eat your vegetables!"

Clearly, his mother had told Hutch what she always said to him when he was a child. "Eat your vegetables, not just the meat and potatoes!"

Starsky summoned a grin from somewhere. "Sure Ma. I'll eat 'em."

Hutch smiled and started dishing out the food. They ate for a while in companionable silence. As they drew to the end of the meal, Starsky poured himself another glass of red wine and then one for Hutch. He swirled the crimson liquid around the glass and stared into it as if it contained the secrets of the universe.

"Hutch? Do you think there's only one person for everyone? Do you think I blew my only chance?"

Hutch sighed. "Don't think I'm the right person to ask," Hutch observed. "I mean do you think I married 'the one' when I married Van?"

"Nah, she wasn't the person meant for you. You've not met her yet…So I guess I'm wondering if I've met her and lost her or whether mine's still out there somewhere." Starsky used his wine glass to emphasise his point.

"I don't know if I believe there's only one person…I don't know…I guess all I do know is whoever we pick, we gotta work twice as hard as the next man 'cause we're cops and most cop marriages don't last."

Starsky stared at his friend for a long minute and then he started giggling. "You're a real Job's Comforter sometimes, you know that right?"

Hutch had the grace to look sheepish. "Sorry, it's the wine talking. "

"Yeah, either that or your sometimes pessimistic outlook on life. It's your genes. Lot of suicides in the Nordic countries, I understand."

"That's a myth, Starsky."

"What is? Your pessimism or the suicide thing?"

"The suicide thing," Hutch said with a roll of his eyes.

"Oh, okay…so is your pessimism."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"You're not a pessimist. You're an optimist; that's why you get so fed up with the world when it kicks you in the teeth."

"Is that right?"

"Yep."

Starsky went to pour more wine and Hutch snatched the bottle.

"Think you've had enough there, pal. You're clearly drunk."

"Am not."

"Are too."

Starsky hiccupped. "Maybe a little," he conceded. "But I've not drunk that much!"

Hutch relented and poured the last of the wine into both their glasses. He stood up and carried his glass over to the sofa. Starsky followed suit and then sprawled next to him, kicking off his shoes and sighing.

Hutch looked at him, concerned. "You all right, Starsk?"

"Yeah, pal," Starsky said, patting Hutch's knee. "I'm fine…or I will be. Just got to get my head round it, ya know. I need to say my goodbye to Helen then it'll get easier…I hope."

Hutch nodded. Neither of them was looking forward to the funeral service tomorrow, but they both knew they needed to go and say goodbye to someone who they had known and liked (or in Starsky's case loved) however briefly.

"You want to stay the night?" Hutch asked.

"Depends. You going to open more wine and let me beat you at cards?"

"I might."

"Then I might stay."

"Good."

Hutch went to the kitchen and found another bottle of wine, which he uncorked and brought back to the sofa. Starsky retrieved the pack of cards from its home in a drawer and started shuffling.

As Hutch poured more wine into his friend's glass, Starsky made eye contact with him and said, "Thanks."

Hutch knew his friend was thanking him for more just the wine. He nodded back. Then the two of them settled down to a (mostly) friendly game of poker, secure in the knowledge that whatever life threw at them, they could get through it together.