Hello, feel free to read this if you want.

It's literally just a vent projected onto a character, but I'm posting it anyway.

Disclaimer: I don't own Newsies in any way, shape, or form. The entire musical and its characters belongs to Disney.


When You're King of New York

I don't know why I'm writing this. It's not like I'll ever let you read it. Or maybe I will, I dunno. I want you to know my thoughts, but I'm afraid of how you'll react. Not that I would blame you for getting mad or offended. You know I ain't the best with words when it comes to these personal sorts of things.

But anyway. I've planned this in my head at least three times already, and if I don't write it out soon it's gonna fester and I'll probably blow everything up like I always do. So. Here goes nothing.

I've been an asshole, Racer. I'm so sorry, I can't even explain half of why, but lately I can't stop being a jerk to you. I know it, and I'm sure you've noticed, and… I just want you to know I'm really fucking sorry. Things are complicated. I got stuff going on that I don't even understand, and it's not right for me to take it out on you, even if it does have a lot to do with you.

The truth is… I feel like we've been drifting apart. Ever since the strike, I… no, that's not it. It's hard to explain. Everything goes back further than that.

Since the day we escaped the Refuge and Snyder and moved into Duane Street. That's when it all changed.

At the Refuge, it was just you and me (and sometimes Smalls). I kinda miss being just the two of us. I love the other fellas, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade meeting them for the world, but since we've met them all, everything's become different. You've got Albert, and Specs, and the twins and everybody having your back. You've got all these friends- I know, I know, they's my friends too, but sometimes I feel like I was late to a party and everyone's already mingled and found their groups.

It's probably stupid, but it's the truth. And with me being back at the Refuge for those first few months while you got to know them, when I wasn't around to be part of it, all that doubles the isolation I feel when I think it over. Plus, when I finally did join the group you already had guys like Albert you were familiar with and I was just kinda there, awkwardly existing.

In that time of me settling in though, we were still close. We took our bond, plopped it in the middle of all the others, and we managed to stay a team. Best friends forever, like always. But then (here comes the part where it's my fault, no doubt) I started feeling like we were too close. I kept mentioning how long we'd known each other, and so did you, and it felt like bragging.

So I backed off a bit, not wanting to rub anything in their faces. I couldn't have these people I'd just met feeling bad for not having the same connection or cause a divide in the group. And I focused on becoming closer with people like Crutchie and Smalls. You copied me, and now you've got Albert as your best pal and I miss being that, Racer.

I miss us.

The way we used to be a pair against the world, inevitable to each other. How we could tell each other everything and nothing at the same time. The weirdness of us both. Your long ramblings that I'd attempt to keep up with, but let's be honest, there was no point in me trying. I'd feel all awkward because I couldn't find half so many words to match yours.

Maybe I should've mentioned this before. I probably should have; I should've told you plain that you're basically my best friend, my brother, that I love you. Because I do. I fucking love you. And I'm not sure I've told you so as often as I should.

But you know I care about you, right? You know there's a reason I asked you to live at Medda's with me and Smalls?

Y'know, it's easier with her, Smalls. I dunno, maybe we just agree on stuff more. It might be that she needs me more than you do.

Not in a bad way though! I'm glad you've got other people, although at the same time… it hurts not being the one you share news with first anymore. Sometimes I hate not agreeing with you on everything like we used to. Back then, I can't remember ever getting annoyed with you, but I sure do now. That goddamn attention span and this constant pining for Spot, I just-

I'm sorry. That's my problem to fix. Some of that stuff you can't change, and I need to respect that. As I said, I've been an asshole. If I ever made you feel like… well, I don't know, I can't do words. But you get it. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Racer.

You know me. I never talk about my feelings. Almost never. I'm not as vocal as you. I've spent too long shutting myself up because I figured nobody cared and I'm only now coming out of this shell. But I'm working on it, okay? I swear. I'm trying.

A lot of it's jealousy. That I can tell you for certain. Especially after the strike. You became famous and popular and all that King of New York crap, while I… you know.

I betrayed youse. Tried cutting myself off. I thought about leaving and never looking back, and I almost did. But I stayed. Because of Crutchie, because of Katherine, Davey, Smalls… but also you.

If anyone's my brother, it's you, Racer.

I hoped you felt the same way about me. But since that rally, since we started fighting almost every week, I can say I get it if you don't. If Albert's more of a brother to you now, I guess that's fair.

I'm trying not to be mad at Al. He's great, nothing against him. But sometimes it feels like he's stolen you from me. Not like I'm entitled to being your number one person or anything. It's just… you and him have been spending all this time together, making plans for after graduation, college tours together in February, and that stuff, I'd love to do it with you. But I can't right now, and Albert's able to. His proximity pisses me off sometimes.

A couple times I've tried to spite you for that by getting close with Smalls and Crutchie. I know Smalls needs me. It's nice to have someone like that, I'll be blunt. And Crutchie already said he'd go to Santa Fe with me if ever possible. I have them, and I'm so glad I do.

But the first person I wanted to travel with was you. If we were all stranded across the continents and communicating remotely, the first person I'd want to meet out of any of the newsies would be you, hands down. I guess I thought you'd always put me first in the same way.

Albert's taken that spot though.

And I'm jealous. I'm so freaking jealous.

If it weren't for me getting you out of the Refuge, you never would have met the fellas or Albert, so-

But it's not like you haven't given me credit or thanked me for that. You have. I was there. I said you're welcome.

Maybe there's a part of me that wishes I hadn't.

I just miss feeling like we had an unbreakable, unshakeable bond. With everything that's been going on and the way I've been acting, I feel like I'm starting to lose you.

That scares me.

I am so fucking scared of losing you, Racer. I wouldn't be who I am today without you. Two years of knowing you has made me sure of that.

I'm sorry for everything I've messed up. I wanna do better. I'll try to be better.

And if I haven't already said it enough, I love you. You're my best friend.

Please don't change that on me.

-Jack Kelly


Welp, there you go.

If you stuck around and read the whole thing, thanks! Review if you want, but if you don't wanna, that's okay too.

See y'all around!