Emcee: And now, the six merry ex-wives of King Henry VIII in their rendition of the Six Block Tango.

Aragon: Snog.

Boleyn: Chop.

Seymour: 'Fix.

Cleves: Uh-uh.

Howard: Culpeper.

Parr: Henry.

All:
He had it coming, he had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same

Aragon: You know how people have these little habits that get you down? Like Henry. Henry liked to kiss. No, not kiss - snog. So I'd just had my fifth miscarriage, and I'm really sad and I'm looking for a little bit of sympathy. And there's Henry, lying on our bed and kissing one of his mistresses. No, not kissing - snogging. So I said to him, I said, "You snog that woman one more time" - and he did. So I took the sword off the wall, and I swung two practice blows - right at his head.

Boleyn: I met Henry VIII about seven years ago. He told me he loved me, and we hit it off right away. So we got married. He'd go to court, he'd come home, I'd fix him a drink, we'd have dinner. And then, I found out. "Loved me", he told me? Loved me, my arse! Not only was he did not love me - oh no, he was planning to have my head chopped off so he could marry one of my ladies-in-waiting! So that night, when he came home from court, I fixed him his drink as usual. You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic.

Seymour: Now I'm in court, I've just heard that the Pilgrimage of Grace has been defeated, and I get down on my knees in front of Henry and beg for mercy for the pilgrims. And he starts screaming at me, "remember what happened to my last wife who meddled in my affairs." He was crazy! And then he ran into my crucifix. He ran into my crucifix ten times.

Cleves: Also lie? ich mein Portr?t von Hans Holbein malen, und als n?chstes wei? ich, dass mein Mann, der K?nig von England, sich scheiden lassen m?chte. Ich verstehe es nicht. Ich habe nichts falsch gemacht, aber er sagt, ich sei so abscheulich, dass er sich nicht dazu durchringen kann, unsere Ehe zu vollziehen. Ich wei? nicht, warum Henry sagt, ich sei h?sslich. Holbein hat mich genau so gemalt, wie ich aussehe.

(translation: So I was having my portrait painted by Hans Holbein, and the next thing I know my husband the King of England wants a divorce. I don't understand it. I have done nothing wrong, but he says I am so hideous that he cannot bring himself to consummate our marriage. I don't know why Henry says I'm ugly. Holbein painted me exactly as I look.)

Seymour: Yeah, but did you do it?

Cleves: Uh-uh. Not guilty!

Howard: So there I am, sixteen going on seventeen, married to a whale of a man old enough to be my father. Woo. And along comes this handsome young courtier, Thomas Culpeper, and I know right away that this guy is different. So this one night Henry's out with his mates, boozing and having a few laughs. And Thomas and I are all alone, and, well, he lets me use his favorite quill. And then Henry gets home early and walks in on us, and I can tell he's thinking "off with their heads!" Well, I was in such a state of shock. I completely blacked out, I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood of my hands, I even knew he was dead.

Parr: I loved Thomas Seymour more than I can possibly say. But I couldn't marry him because King Henry had already proposed to me, and you can't say no to him. He was a real opinionated guy, always seemed to know what God wanted him to do. Every day he looked for God and on the way, he found gluttony, greed, envy, sloth, lust, wrath, and pride. I guess you could say we broke up because of religious differences. He saw himself as the head of the Church of England, and I saw him dead.

Aragon: You snog that woman one more timeā€¦

Boleyn: Loved me, my arse!

Seymour: Ten times!

Cleves: Ich verstehe es nicht. (I don't understand it.)

Howard: His favorite quill.

Parr: Religious differences.

Aragon: Snog.

Boleyn: Chop.

Seymour: 'Fix.

Cleves: Uh-uh.

Howard: Culpeper.

Parr: Henry.