The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is running around trying not to get shot. Just another typical day in the life of Mallory Archer. Which as we know is anything but typical.

Afternoons Of Assassins And Idiots

"Okay what the hell is this big emergency you called this meeting for?" Mallory snapped at Lana, Ray and Archer in her office.

"Remember your old gangster boyfriend?" Archer asked.

"You're going to have to be a lot more specific," Mallory told him as she took a drink.

"The one that died recently," Lana said.

"Again…" Mallory paused. "More specific."

"Donny 'The Moose' Valvano?" Lana told her. "You sent him up the river after sleeping with his brother and turning him against him. Then Archer got his son sent to Juvie?"

"I didn't send him to Juvie," Archer corrected. "He stole the heroin from Woodhouse all on his own! And it was his idea to shoot BB guns at the seagulls. I just happened to run faster than he did! And okay yeah, I did shoot that one surfer in the ass. And that window in a cop car…"

"Uh," Mallory thought for a moment.

"After he died he willed you that disaster of a house on the Jersey Shore," Ray added. "Which he left a note in an empty safe vowing that his gang would get revenge on you?"

"Oh him," Mallory waved. "What about him?"

"His gang has decided to carry out the hit personally," Lana told her. "Your life is in danger."

"When is it not?" Mallory shrugged.

"CHERYL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!" Cyril was heard outside. "PUT DOWN THAT LIGHTER!"

"NEVER HA! HA! HA! HA!" Cheryl cackled. "AND IT'S NOT CHERYL! I'M CHER-KANA! THE QUEEN OF FIRE! HA HA HA HA!"

"PUT DOWN THE LIGHTER AND STEP AWAY FROM THE WASTEBASKET!" Cyril screamed. "Oh my God! I smell…DID YOU DUMP GASOLINE IN THE WASTEBASKET?"

"Among other things," Cheryl aka Queen of Fire remarked. "HEY!"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ON THIS TIME?" Cyril shouted. "PUT IT DOWN! PUT IT…OH GOD WHO GAVE YOU SCISSORS? AAAAHH!"

"See what I mean?" Mallory told them as the sound of fighting was heard out in the hall. "Anything else?"

"Well we got some intel on the hit squad," Ray told her. "The bad news is that they are rumored to be on their way here."

"What's the good news?" Mallory asked.

"They'll all over 85," Ray told her. "And some of them haven't had cataract surgery on their eyes yet. So they probably won't be good shots."

"So basically, we're talking about a bunch of elderly Italian Cyrils?" Archer asked.

"You do realize even Cyril occasionally hits his targets?" Lana looked at him.

"Good point," Archer nodded.

"OW!" Cheryl screamed.

"I WARNED YOU!" Cyril shouted. "YOU MADE ME HIT YOU!"

"WHO'S TELLING YOU TO STOP?" Cheryl squealed with delight. "EEEEEHHH!"

"AAAAAHH!" Cyril was heard yelling.

"Okay…" Mallory sighed. "First I need you people to deal with that in the hallway. Then get Cyril and Pam and prepare for a standard assassination squad invasion. But don't use any rocket launchers this time! I don't want you to make a mess!"

"Aww," Archer pouted.

"What about you?" Lana asked. "Mallory shouldn't you go somewhere safe?"

Mallory casually pulled out her gun from her purse. "I'm fine right here." She then finished her drink and started to pour herself another one. "Just try not to make too many bloodstains this time."

"CHERYL CUT IT OUT!" Cyril screamed,

"Your words!" Cheryl giggled.

"AAAH! NOT THE SCISSORS!" Cyril screamed. "NOT THE SCISSORS!"

"Oh, good lord…" Ray ran out of the room.

"How does she keep getting those things?" Archer asked.

"We'd better help," Lana sighed as they left.

"Right," Archer nodded. "The last thing I need is for Carol to cut holes in my suit again!"

"With those idiots protecting me I might need the damn rocket launcher," Mallory grumbled. Then her cell phone rang. "Oh, what now?"

Mallory answered the phone. "Hello? Yes. Oh. I was about to call you. I'm doing well."

"GOD DAMN IT CHERYL!" Ray shouted. "STOP BITING ME!"

"YEAH SAVE IT FOR THE ASSASINS THAT ARE COMING OVER TO KILL US ALL!" Archer told her.

"No, nothing new is going on," Mallory shrugged. "Did you get that invoice I sent you? What do you mean you're not going to pay it? Why not? Uh we saved Antarctica and stopped global flooding and a nuclear holocaust! I think that's a good reason! What do you mean technically there's no proof? What about those henchmen we brought in? And those whiny scientists? Surely their complaining counts for something!"

Mallory listened. "What? I don't…So you're telling me we saved the world for nothing? Oh, very funny. I'm not running a charity organization here. You leave Sterling out of this!"

Mallory sighed. "Okay fine. I'll consider that a favor. Tell me about this other mission that you…What do you mean you've decided to give it to someone else? Who? THEM? Are you kidding me? Why are you giving a mission of extreme importance to those lightweights? We are very professional!"

"CHERYL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON!" Lana was heard shouting. "ARCHER STOP YOUR DRINKING FOR A MOMENT AND HELP ME!"

"I'M DISINFECTING THE BITEMARK!" Archer snapped.

"YOU DISINFECT BY POURING THE ALCOHOL ON THE WOUND!" Ray snapped.

"I'VE DECIDED TO DO IT FROM THE INSIDE OUT!" Archer snapped. "HEY!"

"YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO NEEDS DISINFECTANT!" Ray called out to him. "Damn that's good scotch."

Mallory didn't miss a beat. "I don't care what those reports say. My team is extremely professional. We caught Peregrine, didn't we? Twice! We gave her to you! What was left of her."

Mallory listened for a minute. "But…Oh fine! Go ahead! Find out the hard way why my agency is the best! What do you mean not according to everyone else? Fine! But don't come crying to me like a little bitch when your so-called team screws up!"

She hung up. "Damn it. Nobody in our government wants to outsource anymore. That's going to play havoc on the budget."

Krieger knocked on the door. "Ms. Archer? Is this a good time?"

"For a drink? Yes," Mallory finished her drink and poured herself another one. "For you? Never. But that's never stopped you before…"

"I was just wondering if I could borrow a taser or some kind of electric cattle prod from the armory," Krieger asked.

"Why would you…?" Mallory began. "Oh no. Don't tell me."

"We had a tiny little whoopsie that got out of the lab," Krieger admitted.

"I told you not to tell me!" Mallory snapped.

"Sorry," Krieger apologized.

"Dear God Krieger," Mallory groaned. "Did you let loose another radioactive flesh-eating pig?"

"NO!" Krieger protested. "First of all, Horsey isn't radioactive. Or a pig. He's a miniature horse. And I didn't let him out! He escaped!"

"Aww, look at the cute little horse," Pam's voice was heard. "Hey little guy how would you like an…OW! SON OF A SEABISCUIT!"

"Although I do admit he isn't averse to the taste of human flesh," Krieger admitted. "Excuse me…" He fled the office. "HORSEY! NO! BAD HORSE! BAD HORSE!"

"I really should retire," Mallory sighed as she took a drink. "One of these days I will just give up this mutant rat race and leave while I can."

"NEIGHHH!"

"GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!" Cheryl screamed in fear. "AAAH! DWARF HORSE! CREEPY DWARF HORSE! AAAHHHH!"

"That's one way to get her to stop biting people," Cyril remarked.

"Let's face it," Mallory sighed. "I'm not getting any younger. On the upside I outlived most of my enemies. Except for Trudy Beekman. Then again, the way she keeps stuffing her fat face with all those gourmet cheeses odds are…"

"OWW!" Cheryl screamed. "IT BIT ME IN THE ASS!"

"SERVES YOU RIGHT!" Ray shouted.

"Yeah what goes around comes around!" Archer agreed.

"A lot of my former colleagues are either dead or…" Mallory paused. "No, I think they're all dead. Damn. That's depressing. I mean I knew I would probably outlive most of them."

"IT'S COMING THIS WAY!" Lana shouted.

"MOVE PEOPLE MOVE!" Archer shouted.

"NEIGGGGHHHH!"

"HORSEY KNOCK IT OFF!" Krieger shouted.

"And odds are I'll outlive more people," Mallory sighed as she took a drink. "Honestly some people have lived too long for my taste."

The sounds of gunfire were heard. "OH SHIT!" Lana swore. "I FORGOT ABOUT THE ASSASINS!"

"DUCK AND COVER PEOPLE!" Ray shouted.

"WE REALLY NEED A BETTER SECURITY SYSTEM IN THIS BUILDING!" Cyril shouted.

RATTAT-TAT-TAT!

"Is that a Tacti-Cane?" Archer called out. "Hey where'd you get that? I could use another one!"

"Archer you're going to use a casket if you don't take this seriously!" Lana shouted.

RATAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!

"Why the hell am I staying in this business?" Mallory asked. "I've recouped quite a bit of my fortune. Money isn't much of an issue. Especially when I finish my memoirs and get them published."

"Does that guy have some kind of machine gun in his walker?" Archer was stunned.

RATA-TATA-TATA-TAT!

"Yes," Ray groaned.

"With all the things I've seen we're talking best seller here," Mallory groaned as she rolled her eyes.

RATA-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!

"Jesus," Archer swore. "These guys' aim are worse than Cyril's!"

"SUPRESSING FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRREE!" Cyril screamed as more gunshots were heard. The thud of a body was heard.

"Huh," Lana remarked. "Cyril got one of them so technically…"

"I don't see you killing any of them!" Cyril shouted.

BANG!

"THERE! I GOT ONE!" Lana snapped. "HAPPY?"

"No, technically you just winged him," Archer pointed out.

BANG!

"Okay now you got him," Archer remarked. "Uh oh…"

RATA-TAT-TAT-TAT!

"So, money isn't a reason to stay," Mallory paused. "All my spy enemies are dead."

RATA-TATA-TATA-TATA-TAT!

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

"Got one!" Ray called out.

"Me too," Archer said. "Damn these guys are faster than they look!"

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

"Or soon will be," Mallory went on. "It would be nice to travel more when not on business. It's hard to relax and take in the scenery when you have to do an assassination."

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

RATTA-TAT-TAT-TAT!

"OW! DAMN IT FRANK!" An older man's voice was heard. "YOU SHOT ME! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SHOOT THEM!"

"So, we're not the only ones that happens to?" Archer was surprised.

"Apparently," Ray remarked.

"Good to know," Archer admitted. "Hey does that one guy have an oxygen tank?"

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"And I wouldn't have to put up with this anymore," Mallory waved. "I should sell the business and be done with it! No more afternoons of assassins and idiots."

"NEEEEIIGGGGHHH!"

"And the occasional rampaging unholy abomination," Mallory sighed.

"NEIIGGGHHHH!"

"WHAT THE HELL IS A HORSE DOING HERE?" A man was heard shouting. "AAAAAH! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"

BANG! BANG! BANG!

RATTATATT-TATTAATAT!

"Hello and stab!" Cheryl was heard cackling.

"AAAAAHHHH!" Another man screamed.

"Well at least she's not doing it to us this time," Ray spoke up.

"I could retire to Florida…" Mallory paused. "No wait, a lot of people I hate live there. I'll just retire to someplace warm with a lot of coconuts. Wait, I don't like coconuts."

"NEIGGGGHHH!"

"AAAAAAHHH!"

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

"California is definitely out," Mallory went on. "I could move overseas. To Tuscany! Wait no…Anywhere in Italy is out. Especially after I murdered the Italian Prime Minister."

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"NEIGGHHH!"

"HOW HARD IS IT TO SHOOT A HORSE?" A man shouted.

"To be fair it's a really small horse," Another man told him. "AAAAHH!"

"NEIGH!"

"Paris would be nice," Mallory mused. "I haven't been there in years. Decades actually."

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

RATA-TAT-TAT-TAT!

"NEIGH!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

"Portugal would be lovely," Mallory paused. "Basically, anywhere with a beach, a bar and hot desperate older men looking to score."

BANG! BANG! BANG!

RATA-TAT-TAT-TAT!

"Oh, who am I kidding?" Mallory sighed. "I'll do the younger ones too."

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

"That sounds like the life," Mallory took a drink and smiled. "I could sleep in. Spend my mornings in a café. Afternoons at the beach or sightseeing. Spend my evenings at bars and clubs. Maybe take a painting class? Throw an occasional elegant dinner party."

BANG! BANG!

"I've fallen!" An older man yelled. "And I can't get up!"

BANG!

"And now you won't," Archer quipped. "Dibs on his cane!"

"And not invite my son," Mallory added. "Hell, I don't even think I'll tell him where I'll live. Knowing him he'd just want to crash at my place anyway."

"NEIGHHHH!"

"AAAAHHHH!"

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

RATATAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!

"Think about it," Mallory sighed as she finished her drink and picked up her weapon. "No more of this nonsense. No more CIA assholes. No more dealing with idiots all day…"

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"ARCHER NO!" Lana shouted. "YOU HIT THE…"

KAAAAAAAAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Oxygen tank…" Lana's voice was weary after the explosion.

"Mawwp! Mawwp! Mawwwp!" Archer groaned. "Tinnitus you bitch!"

"Oh, for crying out…" Mallory grumbled as she got up and went to the door. "If you want something done right…"

She went out of her office to find her entire office in shambles. There were bloodstains all over the walls and the hallway. As well as some body parts (not all of them were human). Tables and chairs were shot up. Papers were everywhere. As well as a few dead human bodies.

The members of her agency as well as three surviving elderly assassins were slightly singed and disoriented. Cheryl was topless and on the floor, barely covered by scattered papers. Her hair was in disarray as well, looking like she'd been shocked.

"Mawwwp! Mawwp!" Archer was stumbling around trying to clear his ears.

"Oh God the ringing in my ears," Cyril winced.

"Mawwwp," Archer stumbled around. He didn't see the assassins behind him.

"Doesn't affect me," One of the assassin smirked as he pointed his weapon with the others. "I've been deaf for…"

BANG! BANG! BANG!

With skill Mallory quickly shot the assassin and the other two dead. "Who am I kidding?" Mallory admitted to herself. "I can't retire. I'm still addicted to the action."

She looked at the mess. "Not to mention I can't leave these idiots alone for a day. They'd probably blow up the building. Hopefully with themselves in it."

"Damn," Pam whistled at Mallory's skill.

"Mother?" Archer blinked, his hearing coming back.

"Some crack team you are," Mallory snapped. "I told you to not make a mess!"

"I think the assassins share some of the blame," Archer grumbled.

"At least the killer horse is dead," Ray sighed.

"HORSEY!" Krieger whined.

"Good!" Cheryl snapped. "Now we can make glue out of what's left of him!"

"All right, idiots. You know the drill," Mallory ordered. "Search the bodies for valuables, money and credit cards. Then take them to the lab for Krieger to dispose of. Then you can clean up this mess!"

She looked at Krieger. "Krieger after you get rid of all the bodies, drain out their credit accounts. I want a report on how much money we made on my desk at 9am tomorrow morning. When I say 9am, I sure as hell don't mean 9:01! And no more god damn mutant horses! Understand?"

"Yup, yup, yup," Krieger nodded.

"We should check if any of these guys are wanted and if there's a reward," Lana spoke up.

"Good thinking. If there is call the CIA. If not, give the bodies to Krieger," Mallory ordered. "I'm taking the rest of the day off. I expect this office to be cleaner than Trudy Beekman's silver plate after dinner!"

She looked at her son. "Sterling I know you made half of this mess so you'd better do your part and not slack off! If I find out you've been goldbricking again I will make you polish my entire apartment with a toothbrush!"

"What did I do?" Archer protested.

"Part of this is your fault and you know it!" Mallory snapped. "Plus, it's time you learned to stand on your own two feet. I won't be around to save your ass all the time in the future! If you even want a shot at inheriting this office someday you're going to have to work for it!"

"Wait a minute," Archer was stunned. "I'm not in the will to inherit the office? Not that you being dead is a good thing…"

"Oh, shut your pie hole!" Mallory snapped. "Let's just say Pam has a better shot of getting this office."

"YES!" Pam grinned.

"Keeping in mind that I would sooner burn the place down than give it to her," Mallory growled. "Or any of you for that matter! Now get to work! I expect everything to be done in the morning and we are not to speak of this again! EVER!"

She retrieved her purse from her office and started to make her way out. "If I get blood on my shoes you lot will get your paychecks cut for a month! Get to work!"

"Jokes on you!" Cheryl giggled. "I don't care if you pay me."

"Then I will make sure there is absolutely positively no glue in this office!" Mallory shouted as she left.

"Gulp," Cheryl blinked. "Wait Ms. Archer! I'll carry you out!" She got up and followed her.

"Guys," Cyril asked wearily. "Ever think of retiring?"

"Every single day of my life," Ray admitted.

"Me too," Lana admitted.

"That's it," Archer sighed. "I'm going to go look up retirement condos in Portugal. Or anywhere with a beach and a bar."