Summary: Your average shrapnel-removing surgery is hampered by Medic's inability to not think about Heavy for more than 5 minutes, Scout is low key a hypocrite, and Heavy is there for a second.

Author's Note: hey i wrote the last 10(?) paragraphs while on Ritalin/normal pills because I might have the Can't Focus On Shit neurological deviation so that's fun.

also please understand that I've never had a massive crush on someone and I'm just using welcome to night vale and the owl house as a guide. I trust those medias.

"And here I was, thinking zhat if I vanted a boyfriend, I vould have to MAKE him!" Medic chuckled. If his last statement was a joke, it was hard to tell. "But oh no no NO! He already exists! I found mein Kuschelb?r!" His arms start to shake, in his own mix of lovestruck happiness. "And, mein Gott, he.. He's... He's Perfect!" He fawned, partly looking like he was talking about creating Frankenstein. "He's large, he's tall, he's strong, his smile could be used for extracting confessions, his EYES are as deep and blue as the ocean in a storm!" He splayed his hands like he was milking a cow. "He can CRUSH A MAN with HIS BARE HANDS! And he STILL LOOKS LIKE AN ANGEL WHILE DOING IT! AHAHAHAHA!" He laughed, the laugh starting as the classic mad-scientist type, then turned into a softer, arguably sweeter, laugh as the doctor dedicated his thoughts entirely to his crush.

Scout sighed. It's been about a month after that one time Heavy wiped out the BLU team with Medic, and Medic's "obsession" with Heavy has gotten from merely losing the ability to speak if he gets about five meters near him (annoying, but dismissable) to a large case of lightheadedness, sweaty palms and accelerated heartbeats prolonging for long periods, to all of the doctor's brain cells becoming lost to the wind every time he thinks about him. And trust me, he thinks about Heavy OFTEN.

For example, Scout was in here for the miles and miles of shrapnel in his legs. Running around a battlefield full of explosives, sentries, angry gunmen and even more angry patriotic 'war veterans' ' does that to your feet, even if you are a. as really cool and fast as a really cool and fast thing, and b. hooked up to a machine that makes you a new body whenever you die. To give Doc some credit here, he did his job, the only thing between Scouts tendons right now was some of Archimedes's feathers. But he just had to sit through like, an hour of Medic pining over Heavy's capilla-capa-capill-breathing thingies like they were blessed by god themself, and Scout now wished he could just go back and brave the internal bleeding and inability to go through airport security.

Of course not like Medic's… liking of guys is a BAD thing. Yes, Scout grew up being told by his peers how absolutely horrendous the idea of men liking men of girls liking girls is, how unnatural it was, why everyone who liked their own sex was going to hell or whatever. But, let's be real, those guys were assholes. Scout admittedly didn't get exactly what was wrong with the whole "dudes kissing dudes" thing, even when he was friends with those aforementioned assholes, and his mom told him not to bother trying to figure out why. And besides that, this is Medic we're talking about, he's as queer as a goddamn fruitcake, Scout was surprised when he learned from Demoman that apparently he had a wife.

But according to Doc, she's a lesbian, so that's a mystery left solved.

Medic, still thinking of a particular large-gun-toting man, got himself partly from his lovestruck rut and began stitching back Scout's leg, humming some classical tune. His doves, strewn around the infirmary like it was a giant birdcage, started to join in. Sure, the medigun can put back tendon scars just fine, but he has learned it's a good idea to sew the skin together, jussssttt in case the skin grows over itself.

"Soooo Doc, since ya want him so much, why haven't you asked Heavy out yet?" asked Scout.

Medic stopped his humming, along with his birds, looking at Scout with an annoyed look, as if he interrupted some perfectly good pining. "Well, Herr Scout, zhe answer iz simple. For someone as amazing as mein s?sser, clearly zhis sort of thing has to be planned out. Dates have to be made, reservations have to be placed, targets have to be killed, experiments and ice cream have to be put in reserve, not to mention-"

"Wait, doc, could you go back on that?"

"Uh, targets to be killed? Zhat's just planning for ze wurst, dear Scout."

"No, I meant the experiments and ice cream thing-

"Vhat? I didn't say anyzhing about ice cream."

"Could have sworn you did, Doc."

"Vell, you're wrong." Medic said, through clenched teeth, his gaze turning so hard that it could bend metal. "Anyvays, I CAN'T just ask him out on ze spot, vhat sort of degenerate do you take me for? If I'm going to ask out Misha, I'm going to make it Perfect, goddamnit, and if he isn't interested in me now, hahaha, well, he vill be."

"Are you going to drug Hea-

"OH GOD NO I'M NOT GOING TO DRUG HEAVY VHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Medic's expression turned from a sly smirk into a state of pure revolution, that face unusual coming from the person who thought stuffing someone's brain into a pumpkin was a good idea. "ZHAT VAS NOT VHAT I MEANT, AND YOU. KNOW ZHAT."

"I'm sorry Doc, just didn't think you would be above tha-

"OF COURSE I'M ABOVE…. ZHAT. I HAVE STANDARDS, SCOUT. MEIN GOTT." With a breath of air expelled from his lungs and a final wave of his hands to show how not-pro-date-drugging he is, Medic finally started to calm down. "Just, I VILL proclaim my love to Mikhail, It vill be PERFECT as HIM, I am NOT having doubts, your leg is nearly HEALED NOW, ze stitching is PERFECT, I'm a GENIUS, ZON'T mention mein anything to ANYVON, LET'S GO."

Scout got up from the operating table, taking a minute to appreciate being able to take a step without muscle damage. Sure his methods were… very unconventional, and sometimes it's hard to believe this man had a medical license, but you gotta give him one thing, Doc knows his shit around bones.

In fact, if the sound of a very large hand knocking on the infirmary door didn't reverberate through the room, Scout could have left the place with only his freshly surgery-ed legs and some new gossip to think about. But when Medic asked the man who knocked to come in, that man revealing himself to be the large 6'7 blue-eyed Russian Medic has been fawning over for hours, Scout felt a general feeling of "oh man this is going to be fun" as a surprised, high-pitched voice came.

"Ohhhhhh-OH oh vhy Hello Zhere Hon, uh, Heavy!" With what semblance of conscious thought still ran through his brain, the doctor pushed Scout back on the table before he could say anything. Scout sighed. Medic was a lost cause. Heavy had barely entered through the door and already his face was as red as his gloves were.

"Ah, Doktor! Good to see you!" Heavy said with a small smile, followed by a worried "Is Doktor busy?".

"Oh no, I'm fiiiiiiiiine, m-my friend!. Just fin-finishing up ahahhaaaaa." Medic, who was trying to sound like someone with a normal pulse and whose palms were not sweaty, was not Ok. "Vhy are you here?

"Oh, Doktor want to give me something?" Heavy didn't buy Medic's shit for a second, but trusted Medic enough not to interfere.

Medic stopped for a second, using his remaining brain cells to try and remember what Heavy meant, coming to the answer with a small "oh, JA!".

He moved from near the operating table to a cabinet along the side of the room, Archimedes following his owner. After opening the cupboard door, Medic pulled out a medium-sized package, wrapped in brown paper, and walked with it towards Heavy, his walk getting slightly shakier with each step. He pushed the package into the giant's large hands, then stood still, waiting for a response.

Heavy looked at the package, and then at the red-faced man who gave him it. "Thank you Doctor!" he said while rotating the package in his paws. "Doktor does not have to do this, this is 3rd present you've given Heavy dis week!"

Medic chuckled, his eyes staring at the man. "I-it just reminded me o-of you! A lot of things remind me. of you." Another flustered chuckle came out. Medic really does like giving presents to Heavy. It felt like a small thing that told how much he admired him when words could not.

A moment of silence passed, From the back of the room you could hear laughter from Scout, who was enjoying the show. Medic shot a stern look at Scout, who got the message immediately and shut up.

"Well, uh, Thank you. Package feels like fabric through paper, what is it?".

"O-Oh!" Medic stammered. "It's a-a jacket!"

"Hm, Really?" Heavy smiled once again. "Well, again, thank you for gift, Doktor. Will pay you back for kindness."

"Oh, NononoNo! It's naaaathing! You liking it is payback enough!"

"It's fine Doktor, Heavy wants to do dis." Heavy placed his hand on Medic's shoulder, making his face look like a tomato. "There is new aviary at zoo, owners had more room for animals after Soldier killed most of exhibits. Heavy knows you like birds." He looked at the flock of doves surrounding his friend. "We can go there after work, maybe we could grab some food after. Would Thursday be good for Doktor?"

Medic stared wall-eyed for a moment, he and Heavy went out and did stuff all the time, but in his "state", Heavy might as well have pulled out a ring/someone's ear. After some vaguely-german gibberish came out of his mouth, he was able to form one complete sentence.

"Z-Z-Z-Ze aviary? Vith... you? V-Vhy of COURSE!" Medic laughed once again, the laugh bubbly and sweet, completely unlike the deep and malicious laughs he emits usually."Zhat sounds perfect!"

Heavy's smile grew a little larger, the hand on Medic's shoulder stroked him slightly, then it raised to give a thumbs up. "Aha, Dat is good to hear! We meet at 6, would dat be fine by you?"

"Ja, zhats fine, zhis is fine, you're… fiiinne…"

"What?"

"NOTHING! Nothing! 6 sounds... Great."

"Well then," Heavy put his hand to his chest, chuckling a little, "It's a Date.". He then smiled one last time and started to leave.

"Ja, guess it is.."

Medic was stunned, his stance locked so still one of his doves started using him as a rest, his brain so muddled up all he could do was smile like a fool. He eventually gained his composure, albeit only in part, and started cleaning his glasses.

"Oh. Wow... Birds..." he said softly, not entirely there.

"Oh man, that was reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaal smooth there, Doc." said Scout. To be honest, Medic forgot he was there.

"Shut up. You haven't asked Ms Pauling out yet, have you?" Scout winced at the personal attack, it hitting deeper than he would admit. Scout got up from the table once again, trying to think of a good comeback.

"W-Well, your taste in guys is weird." Medic looked at him with judging eyes. He didn't find the comeback.

"Least I HAVE taste, Herr Scout." Medic picked up a clipboard, prepared to disregard the shitty insults Scout just threw at him. "Anyvays, feel free to come to me if you feel any discomfort from ze surgery, If I have to take out 50mm of wire from your left leg again I'll cut it off with a bone saw, if you require healing and I'm busy please don't bother me and use ze bandages kept outside mein office, and a small reminder zhat I can outsmart any cop in zhis damn country so zon't try anything."

Scout, barely listening to Medic as he usually does after surgeries, said "Got it, Doc" as he started to leave the infirmary. But just as he was about to put his foot down outside, a gloved hand tapped his shoulder.

"Oh, and von more thing." Scout stopped. This was new. "I know you Scout. If you even DARE to tell ANYVONE about ze conversation ve had during ze surgery, I'll use your own heart to propose to Misha, got it?". Scout looked into Medic's face, the doctor's eyes showing that he was serious. Scout gulped.

"Even Misha himself"?

"Even Misha. Especially Misha. You're NOT. going to ruin ze plans I've laid out for him, and you know vhat I can do, so zon't even Think about it.

"Ok." Scout tried to stay cool. "No talky or I'm dead. Standard Stuff. Got it."

"Good. See you later, mein freund."

"Yeah, yeah. Don't worry, my lips are sealed. See ya, Doc." Scout then left the room, his lips most definitely not sealed.

shout out to james/bugsarecool again for proofreading this u cool.

Next chapter will come out when i write it. goodbye gamers.