AN: I originally threw this together so a new friend in the squad could get the gist of our memes without having to squeeze four books into their busy schedule. As such, the tone and pacing (which I fully ripped of frompaid homage to bill wurtz's "history of japan" video on youtube) more accurately reflect those memes than my actual feelings about the series (I'm still in a hibernating fandom like ten years later, so it's safe to say I love it dearly!) Hopefully, this will make someone laugh, if not then it's just a convenient way to share it. :b

Alagaesia is a patchwork of landscapes home to a whole bunch of things that all hated each other at one time or other but everyone is all friends now so it's great.

No one bothers to keep track of time here, but *at some point* a bunch of beings called "The Grey Folk" wandered around. These ancient people had a super cool language that nobody remembers the name of. Let's just call it "The Ancient Language". This language was so awesome that they decided to make knowing it absolutely necessary to work magic. Then they all disappeared and everybody forgot it.

A whole bunch of time later for reasons nobody knows, now there are Dwarves chillin' in the mountains but nobody cares about them because there are DRAGONS. Scaly, flying fire monsters that don't take shit from anybody, especially the dwarves. The two races hang out killing each other for a couple thousand years when suddenly the murder party is interrupted by some pointy-eared, tall-folks from across the sea. (Elves) The elves act suuuper better than everyone else and immediately piss off their roommates. Even worse, a gang of big, horned, violent dudes called Urgals follows them over to their new home.

The first bomb drops when one elf decides to kill a dragon on a dare. The dragons immediately get pissed and murder him to death, which sparks the worst ping pong game ever as each side goes back and forth taking revenge. The war with the dragons became known as "the dragon war". After a decade of destruction and a bunch of scaly and fleshy people all ending up super dead, an elf named Eragon found a dragon hatchling all alone and decided to keep it. He named it Bid'daum and together they made peace between their people. To oversee this peace, they created a brand new club of elves riding dragons creatively known as the Dragon Riders. The Dragon Riders' main job was to not take sides in disputes between the two races and make sure everyone played nice. What? There are more than two races you say? (Dwarves and Urgals) Nah. Other benefits of their special club include super strength, immortality, and hearing your dragon buddy's voice in your head forever.

Once the two races were living in harmony everything was going pretty good… until another set of weird boats came up from the south with a crappier version of the elves onboard. The remixed elves called themselves humans and had a fun time visiting before disappearing forever…. Except apparently forever didn't last very long because they soon came back and decided a bunch of the coastline actually belonged to them. The elves wanted to "be mature" about the whole thing and handed it over, retreating farther towards the big group of trees. Eventually, the humans heard about the elve's exclusive club and got cranky. "Your dragons are cool. We want to join," they said. "Really?" said the elves. "Pleeeeeeease…. We promise we won't cause trouble :3, " said the humans. "*sigh*" and thus the humans were added to the contract. Their king Palancar went a little crazy and got exiled to a pretty valley. So pretty he decided to name it after himself! Once all the races established who was better than everyone else and had some spots to live, everything was chill for a very long time. *It's the Golden Age!* Nothing actually… changed… but trust us it was sooooo super peaceful that it didn't need to!

Over a thousand years passed this way until one kid suddenly decided to go through a rebellious phase. This ball of angst is named Galbatorix. His dragon just died, he's really angry at the rest of the riders, and he wants to take over the world. He goes to his only friend, Morzan, and asks him for help taking over the world. Morzan says okay and the two steal Torix a new dragon (black like his soul) and hide for a while preparing to take over the world. They make a couple more friends, thirteen in total, and they decide they need a snappy new nickname. Meme team? No. Coolest Bros? Nah. "Wait… what about… The Forsworn!" Said Torix. "...eh?" Said everyone. And so the forsworn was formed.

These fourteen people started deleting their old friends in a very permanent way all the while collecting eldunari - dragon souls trapped in giant marbles. They collected so many fancy marbles that they could destroy the entire organization with only a very small amount of cheating (Torix's final victory). Once he defeated his daddy issues Torix named himself king. The old king didn't like this much, but he didn't have much to say about it for long.

Having finished taking over the world, the next step was to start a series of drastic reforms that would change everyone for the better- nah, just kidding he went power-mad. He still totally wanted change, but a group of humans were angry about his whole "ending a millennia of peace in bloody war" thing and wanted their own country. They fought for a while but eventually, Torix just gave them a sandbox and told them to play nice. Okay time to get down to busine- *knock* …. "Yes?" mumble mumble. ….. "What?" we're mad at you too. "Really? Why?" we're led by a rider whose dragon you killed. "Fuck." The new distraction is named "The Varden". They aren't ready to fight another war, but they spend time making the new king very angry and slowly killing off his friends, roughly 60 years' worth of time.

The first forsworn is the only one that ends up with a wife and son (*gold star*) but he's crap to them (*no gold star*) and is also the last forsworn as he's murdered by the Varden's mystery, not leader person who was also his friend while they were in school! *dun dun DUN* Even more shocking, while he's getting killed to death his wife is sneaking off to give birth to another man's son…. And *cough* no one knows who it could be. *cough cough.* She gets home just in time to die and pass off their baby to a responsible caretaker- …. .or the mad king, same difference I guess. The former friend steals one of the last dragon eggs in the world and sets it up to be transported around until it hatches...

But that is a story for another time.