"Surgery isn't possible. I… I reviewed the scans and… there's no way I can navigate through a mess like that without rupturing… I'm… I'm sorry."

Meredith stared at Derek as he stuttered out his diagnosis, while seemingly swallowing back tears. He wasn't his normally confident self. It was as if he was close to folding in, like he desperately wanted to disappear.

This has been going on since the day started, since the patient was admitted last night.

While they haven't been through half of the day, everyone can see how this VIP patient was running Derek down ragged.

"Derek, we went here because you are the only one good enough to operate on my son," The woman said, lips pursed, eyes seemingly telling him something else. "I won't accept anything otherwise and you know that."

Meredith expected him to stand his ground, as she herself saw the scans and the eight cysts inside the patient's brains were truthfully impossible to safely navigate.

But he nodded.

Despite everything, Derek nodded.

As if he can change the odds.

She felt like she was seeing an entirely different person from the one she met a year and a half ago. This was not Derek. It was as if the presence of these people made Seattle's loved neurosurgeon disappear, replaced by a miserable one.

Like life was sucked out of him.

"Bizzy," The patient warned.

After spending half day dealing with the patient, Meredith picked on some details, like how they had a past with Derek and Mark back in New York, before Derek moved to Seattle.

They have a heavy past, that much she knows, with how gloomy Seattle's McDreamy and McSteamy became when they appeared.

And Meredith badly wants to know why, why her once confident and god-like boyfriend was reduced into this pool of insecurity and darkness in just a day.

"No, Archer. No child of mine is dying again. Not on my watch."


He played with his watch, a gift she gave him when they both got into the same internship program in Columbia.

Thinking about her hurts, that's why every day, he actively chooses not to.

Yet now, when her entire family graced Seattle with their cold demeanor and WASP-y attitude, something broke inside him, like a dam breaking.

All their memories came flooding back, as if they all just happened yesterday.

As if years hadn't passed since she said goodbye and left him.

Alone, in this world.

Until eternity, remember, Addie?

"So… I thought you moved on." He looked beside him, eyes taking in her features. "It's been a while."

It had been a while since he last saw Addison. The last time he saw her was when Meredith drowned, after the ferry accident.

Addison stopped him from succumbing to his memories of her death.

"I thought so too. I don't want to remember you anymore." He looked down at his hand, willing himself to feel the hand holding it.

Yet he can't.

Because all he can get from Addison now are phantom touches and conversations made up by his mind.

"Are you… Are you gonna save Archie?" She asked him, voice holding no contempt or snobbish demand like her mother. She was just genuinely curious… sticking to her place of how she's always the opposite of her cold family.

It was always a wonder how she became the great person she was, with how much negativity the other members of the Montgomery family possess.

"You know I would if I can, Addison." A sob clawed its way out the moment he said her name.

He thought pain lessened over time, but years passed and it only seemed to grow. Addison's death might be something he would never move on from, and keeping it hidden from everyone new in his life might not be healthy. Even more so, forcing Richard and Mark to keep it a secret... keep Addison a secret.

He feels guilty, about getting to meet new people and witnessing all these beautiful things in life. He should be sharing all these with her yet he can't.

Now, he's forcing himself to move on, because it's what everyone tells him to do, when all he wants to do is sit in a dark corner and remember every single memory he had with Addison til the day he dies.

"You're you, Derek. I know you can save him." The way she smiled at him made him cry even more, as she looks just as beautiful as the day he met her.

He wishes he could touch her, hold her, and never let her go.

"I love you so much, Addison."

"I know. I love you too, Derek. And I will wait for you."


"I was married to her for 11 years. We were great. We… were great together. Then all of a sudden, it wasn't anymore. She was diagnosed with cancer and… and…"

"You can stop—"

"No… I… you deserve to know." Derek swallowed, not even attempting to wipe the tears away as it was futile.

"It was already advanced, too late for treatments. All they can do was lessen the pain. The doctor gave her a few months, half a year at most. Her parents, you've met them... they were never really present in their children's lives, you know? And… they found out about it two months before she died because it was her wish… to see them again. And Bizzy—it was so weird. She went hysterical, demanding to find the best oncologist out there…

"It was so out of character for her that it made Add—it made her laugh and I can still hear how genuine her laughter was that time, her laugh always lights up the room. When they finally realized how there's no hope… they became these doting parents to her, you know? Making sure she was happy and loved and she deserved that. God, she deserved that."

Meredith remained quiet as silence overtook them. They were sitting on her couch, his bottle of scotch laid out on the table.

"She didn't deserve, though, to suffer and I watched as she struggled to stay alive because I wanted her to fight it, for me… and she did even though she was hurting so much. And that's one of the greatest regrets I will ever have, I caused her so much pain.

"I thought I moved on… turns out I just blocked it out so good that I thought I forgot… pretending she didn't exist was easy. But I… our memories, they will always haunt and remind me…

"I still love her, Meredith. I'm still in love with her even though she's never coming back. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I led you on and… I'm sorry I never told you." He thought his words were gonna blend with the air.

He knows he's causing so much pain on Meredith, but he's blinded by his own, his memories with Addison playing like a movie he never wanted to end

His chest hurt and he wanted to see her again, to touch her, and to make her smile, make her laugh.

"I still love her and I always will, 'til eternity."

Note: I just want to share some angst and the best way to do that is through this oneshot. Hope you enjoyed... the pain.