A lot of lives have passed before me. Well, not life-lives. None of those. Okay, some of those, but mostly not–it's hard to explain. What am I even trying to explain it to you for anyway? You don't care about the lives of these people, why they came in front of me, why I made the decisions I did! Well, maybe you do, and that's why you're here. You want to hear about the lives of some people as they stood before me and demanded that I look deep within and find the truth!

Or, you know, figure out which lawyer was lying less. Or keep the plaintiff and defendant from eating each other. Or officiate a wedding. The point is, I have seen a lot in my time in the underworld. Murderers, mass murderers, mass mass murderers, litterbugs, and Gary. He's the bailiff, usually, and he makes sure that none of those creeps touch me. Gary's pretty great. But you're not here to hear about Gary. That's a shame. Gary's got a lot of stories to tell. A lot of stories.

THE POINT IS, as the head judge–well, the only judge–which makes me the head judge–the only head judge–what was I talking about?

Oh! Right! As the judge–head judge–only head judge–you get the point. I have seen a lot of people pass before me. Some of them weren't even criminals! At least, as far as their case was concerned, they weren't criminals. Because really, everyone is guilty in the eyes of the law. Hey, you know, that's a great turn of phrase. I'll have to remember that and find a way to slip it in. That'll really put the fear of ol' Judge Spleen into some attorneys. And what's the point in being a judge if you can't terrify attorneys? You know, besides basically ruling your own fiefdom and being able to do whatever you want and pass judgement on anyone foolish enough to let themselves be dragged before you.

I keep getting off track. What I was trying to say is that I've seen many, many things in my time on the bench. Like that ghost who thought he could get away with turnstile hopping because he just ended up floating through the subway when it started moving anyway. Or that cat custody case between those two old ladies. Man, did that ever come back to bite me! I tell you, I shouldn't have–right. Staying on topic. The point is, the worst case I was ever involved in was also a custody case, but that one wasn't between two old ladies fighting over a cat. It was between two children fighting over the Grim Reaper.

I know, right? How do two kids get custody of the Grim Reaper? That's something I really wanted to find out, but it didn't get brought up. Instead, there were domestic squabbles, character assassinations, an ugly fat kid as a witness, and a musical number. You know, a mostly normal day at Underworld court, except for the ugly fat kid...and HIM.

He was the most annoying, the most idiotic, the most irritating monster I have EVER seen! Constantly asking to borrow my gavel, annoying the other jury members, asking for ballpark snacks–THIS IS A COURTROOM, NOT A BALLPARK! IF IT WAS A BALLPARK, I WOULD BE THE UMPIRE! AND I WOULD CALL BALLS AND STRIKES PERFECTLY! He was so very very annoying that when he asked for permission to make a poo, I GRANTED PERMISSION IMMEDIATELY! And then I made everybody rule on the case then and there so he wouldn't get a chance to make the case drag on and on and on and on and on, with me stuck trying to wrangle a verdict out of the jury and him driving me more and more insane from stress! I WENT BALD! And lost my vision in one eye, but that's not really important right now.

Then of course, because somehow the jury pool was composed entirely of idiots only slightly more intelligent than that guy, it ended up being a tied vote when one of them ate somebody voting the same way as her. Which meant that the fate of the custody battle rested on the shoulders of a complete moron who stole my gavel!

I wasn't in good shape, so when the moron did moron things, I pretended it was genius, gave a verdict that would keep everyone from killing each other, and got them all out of my courtroom! I thought they'd never go away, but they did, and I could only hope that the idiot would never show up in the jury pool again so that I wouldn't have to deal with another court case involving his antics.

As it turned out, I should have been more specific. I should have known that with the increased bend towards litigation in every aspect of Underworld life that this idiot would end up back in my court, if not as a jury member then as a plaintiff or defendant! And so it came to pass that he did appear before me, and as I stared him down, sitting behind the defense desk, my heart soared, my hair grew back, and I regained my sight, for I knew, I knew, that no matter what, Fred Fredburger would be off the streets and in jail very, very, very soon! There's no way the Underworld prosecutor could botch this one up again! I would finally make sure that Fred Fredburger would be unable to bother anybody for a long, long time! Well, anybody but prisoners, but who cares about them so long as I never have to see that idiot in my courtroom again!

Then I saw the fat ugly kid walk in with the prosecution along with Dracula and what I assume was the rest of his family. My stomach turned as I realized that I wouldn't be sending the idiot to jail. No, this was a civil case.

The thought of having to deal with Fred Fredburger throughout an entire trial was enough to send me into a cold sweat and cause all my hair to fall out. But it was my job, so I took a deep breath and got ready to deal with the case of...


UNDERFIST v. IRWIN FAMILY REUNION


Underfist v. Irwin Family Reunion? No no no, that's not right! Not right at all! The plaintiff always goes before the defendant! I was judging the case of...


IRWIN FAMILY REUNION v. UNDERFIST


Wait, no, that just looks wrong. Every important court case has the big name in the back, like Brown v. Board of Education, Janus v. American Federation of State, County, and Municipal Employees, Lola v. Powerman and the Moneygoround, or Boogeyman v. Grim Reaper and the Board of Scythes. Man, was that last one a waste of a TV movie. But the big name always goes in the rear! Always!

Fine. Whatever. Go back to the original, and let's get this party started! Or whatever you say about something like this...trainwreck? Horrifying situation? Stress-induced aneurysm? No, none of those really work. I think–wait! I've got it!

Go back to the original, and let's get this party started!


UNDERFIST v. IRWIN FAMILY REUNION