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TARA'S PERFECTLY IMPERFECT

CHRISTMAS

CHAPTER 10 The Truth You Need

I wondered what could be going on with that little kid. I was hoping this accident wasn't going to leave him screwed up for life. Poor little guy had just lost his mother; he didn't need anymore trauma.

"Does that mean me?" Jax asked.

"Everyone," he said with obvious annoyance. It would have been funny if it hadn't been so odd.

"OK. Tell us," Adam prompted.

Tyler wasn't about to be hurried. This was his big moment and he had everyone's undivided attention.

"When I was in the ice, Tara kept telling me to let go, but I was scared. I saw mommy. She was wearing that big dress that she said it was her bag dress."

"Bag lady dress?" Lucy suggested.

"Yes," he said and shot his sister a look of irritation. "She told me that I would be OK and I needed to be a big boy. She said I would be really cold, but I would be OK," he paused and looked at his father and then at his brother and sister. "She said to tell you that she loves us and she's around us. And not to be sad for her." Tyler tried not to cry, but it was too much for him and his eyes filled with tears.

I thought of my mother and I could feel tears in my eyes. I wondered if my mother or my aunt were around me. I never felt their presence, but that didn't mean they weren't around.

"Tara, your hands are bleeding," Lucy said.

I had been so caught up in getting Tyler that I hadn't noticed the damage I'd done to my hands. My knuckles had dragged on the ice and snow as Adam and Jax had pulled us to safety.

"There's a first aid kit in the master bath in a drawer under the sink."

"Come on, Tara. Let me fix your hands," Jax said.

It gave us a good excuse to leave the bathroom so the family could have some time together.

I know it's not a very modern thing to say, but I really liked it when Jax took care of me. I think it's because I was raised to be independent. When you are told you can't depend on anyone for help, it makes you feel that you can't depend on anyone's help because you don't deserve it or you aren't worth helping. I don't know, maybe I am the only one who can see being raised to be independent has a down side.

Jax cleaned my hands off, put antibiotic ointment on the scrapes and bandages on the deeper scrapes on my knuckles.

"Did you see a woman anywhere? You were closest to Tyler," Jax asked.

I shook my head.

"I didn't see anyone, but I was so focused on getting Tyler I had tunnel vision."

"I saw her. I saw this woman with long brown hair in this kind of baggy outfit. I wouldn't have been able to hear her speak from where I was, but I saw this woman. It was strange. One minute, she was just there, and then suddenly, she was gone. Tyler let go then and we began pulling you in."

"A change came over him suddenly. That would fit into the time frame. Maybe you both saw her. Let's see if Adam has a picture of her."

"Does that make her a ghost or an angel?" Jax asked.

"I don't know. Both?"

Everything was so intense that I'd forgotten about my wet clothes. My bag was still in the room. I went into the bunkhouse bedroom and changed into dry clothes. It felt so good to be dry and warm.

The family meeting was over by the time I opened the bunkhouse bedroom door. I asked Lucy for a garbage bag for my wet clothes. She brought me a garbage bag. She had already put my coat in it for me.

Jax and I needed to leave. It would take us a couple of hours to get back to Charming. We said our goodbyes to everyone. It surprised me that it was so hard. They had become my family for that small space of time and now I was losing them. I would have memories, but I would miss making new ones with them.

Tyler, all warmed up from his bath, hugged both Jax and me and thanked us for helping his dad save him. I just couldn't imagine that little boy drowned in the pond. I got teary-eyed when I said good-bye to Lucy. She was a cross between a little sister and a daughter.

Adam walked with us to the car. Since he had warmed up, his breathing had returned to normal. He had bounced back just like his son.

"You told my kids I was a hero," Adam said to Jax. "You were the hero. When I realized Tyler had fallen in the pond, all I could think of was getting to him and saving him. It was pure reaction without thought. You finally got through to me when you said if I went out on the ice, I would die and Tyler would blame himself. If you had been a few seconds later, or if you hadn't been so forceful in blocking me from going to the pond, I'd be dead and Tyler might have died too. If you and Tara hadn't spent that extra hour sledding, or if you hadn't stayed the three extra days . . ."

"You don't know what would have happened," Jax said. "You made the choices that brought Tyler to safety. You could have still rushed out on the pond. You didn't have to listen to my plan. You thought of the safety line. That was a great idea. You were struggling to breathe, but you gave your coat to your son. That was heroic. You asked me to take Tyler to the cabin. That was the best choice for him. You made heroic choices."

"I know the truth," Adam said.

"So do your kids. I gave you the truth you needed for your family. It isn't going to matter to Connor and Lucy if Tara and I were the heroes. It matters that you are the hero. You made the choices that resulted in Tyler's rescue. You are a great father. Every great father deserves to be a hero to his kids at least once in his life."

Adam hugged Jax.

"I'm glad I didn't punch you," he said.

"Me too," Jax said.

"Thank you, Tara. Tyler wouldn't have made it out of the ice without you. You were brave."

"Not really. I knew you guys had my back. Now, Tyler was brave."

"You saved my family. How do you adequately thank someone for that?"

"You just did," Jax said. "I hope I can be as great a father as you one day."

We hugged Adam again and then Jax and I got in the car and left.

Jax's words about being a great father like Adam caught me a little by surprise. Jax's feelings about his father were complex. JT wasn't much of a father for the exact same reason Jax was a bad dad; he put the MC ahead of his own kids.

After Jax found his father's manuscript, his feelings alternated between love and contempt. I had hope that one day Jax would find his way back to fatherhood and use Adam as a model for a father. I got what I hoped for with Jax's return to fatherhood. I had no way of knowing then that we would both die and return to life before that happened.

"We forgot to ask Adam for a picture of his wife," I said after we'd gone about ten miles.

The good-byes were painful enough. We couldn't really go back for a look at a picture.

"We didn't forget. You forgot."

"You saw a picture of her?"

"Yeah. It sort of looked like the woman I saw, but I'm not sure. The kids showed me a picture while you were taking forever to change your clothes."

"You don't understand that girls' clothes are more complicated than guys' clothes."

"I know. I've got some experience in helping girls out of their clothes."

"Jax!" I said and rolled my eyes.

He grinned.

"What did you tell the kids about the picture?"

"I gave them the truth they needed too. I think it made them feel better—especially Tyler. He was happy that I had seen his mother."

"I like to think that our loved ones can come to us. A change definitely came over Tyler. He went from being frozen in fear to being very calm and serene. That was pretty great of you telling the kids that Adam was the hero."

"I just gave him the truth that he needed, darlin'"

"Yeah, but it was pretty great of you," I said. I kissed him on the cheek.

"Just add that to your list of why I'm so wonderful."

"I don't actually have a list. You're just going to have to remind me every day why you're so wonderful," I whispered in his ear and then I bit his earlobe.

"Tara Knowles, you are a bad girl."

"Not that bad," I said.

"I've got hopes," he said smiling at me before giving me a quick kiss at the traffic light.

"I really like how we keep our relationship to us. It's like we have our own world."

"I think we should keep what happened at the cabin to ourselves too. We'll just tell everyone that we had a nice time and leave it at that."

"It sounds cool and mysterious."

"Would you expect any less from me? I just like having a world for just the two of us and we're the only ones who know about it."

Keeping some mystery about our relationship from others helped us build our strong bond. Sometimes it was hard for me because I heard the girls at school wondering what Jax could possibly see in me, but I ignored it. Jax and I had a bond that would stand the test of time except, of course, when it didn't.

After New Year's, I sent the family Fire Ant T-shirts. Less than a week later, they sent me a package. Inside was a picture of them all wearing their Fire Ant T-shirts and a red muffler. It was the one Lucy's mom made for herself. Lucy wrote a note telling me that they decided as a family that I should have the scarf. That simple kindness touched my heart.

Jax and I would continue to see the family spending a week with them every summer and every winter until I went to San Diego and Jax and I split.

When Jax was going through big turning points in his life, she would just appear. Jax would see the same woman ironically in a cemetery after Opie's wife Donna's murder. He told me that he had seen her in an open air market in Belfast when he was trying to decide Abel's future.

Until I saved Jax from death, he thought this woman was Adam's wife and the kids' mother. He thought she was a guardian angel watching over him as thanks for saving Tyler's life. The reality of who the woman was and why she was around him during key points in his life remained a mystery until then. (Jax Is Really Alive Chapter 16 Déjà vu All Over Again will explain this)

Jax and I returned to Charming and, for awhile, we lived happily ever after until I left for San Diego and we broke up. We both had growing up to do on our own before we could come back together.

When I returned, I thought I knew what I needed to do to be with Jax. I tried to be the perfect old lady and wife. I failed. Instead of turning to Jax in times of trouble, I turned away from him. He turned to a whore.

In the end it all worked out perfectly and Jax and I got out happy ending. (Jax Is Really Alive)

"

Author's Note: Jax and Tara Stories can be read in any order, but this is the recommended order. The stories all work together and reference each other.

Tara's Story

Tara's Perfectly Imperfect Christmas

Unexpected Christmas

52 Shades of Jax

Jax Is Really Alive