"No. And if you bring it up again, I'm kicking you in the shins. Both of them."

"I'm just sayin'. I think she's got a point."

Raven danced out of the way of Rita's promised boot strike that was accompanied by a vicious growl. He expected her to follow up with a second attempt, but she just hiked her bag higher on her shoulder and kept walking. They were leaving the city via one of the smaller bridges, avoiding the line of sight from the guild hall. The main bridge of Dahngrest had been repaired quickly, but there had been a number of temporary bridges built in the meantime. The structures had been thrown up from various corners of the city, giving them a chance to all but sneak out without an obvious path. Repede would be able to find them, obviously, but you couldn't just look out the window and see them leaving. As it was, they were making their way towards the outskirt bridges that would put them as close as possible to the forest where Ba'ul still presumably was.

"You're off-limits."

"Oh really?" He let the words stretch out in as salacious a tone as he could, sidling up behind her with his hands clasped behind his back.

"Shut up." She didn't even blush at his teasing, her strides harsh snaps of her legs. He watched her shoulders fall into a swagger ahead of him, able to imagine the scowl on her face perfectly.

"Is there a better plan to all of this then?" he called after her.

"There isn't a plan at all yet," she answered, snarling over her shoulder.

He hiked forward into a skip to walk alongside her. The expected scowl was indeed there.

"So we're…"

She whirled on him, turning and stopping so short in her tracks that he ran into her, his hands catching her around the shoulders. She was so small and sharp and furious as she looked up at him.

"'We're'," she said with the most vicious of quotation marks floating around her words, "going to find out what the hell is at the Weasand of Cados. And they are going to find out what the hell she knows about stopping Volt."

"Yes," he said patiently for what felt like the thousandth time. She had told him. Over and over again she had repeated it, as if trying to psych herself up rather than explaining to him.

He had seen the note just long enough to read it once before they had scrambled down into the guild hall from the roof and Rita had shoved it into Repede's jaws. Not that it had been all that much of a note.

'She's at Myorzo.'

But he and Rita weren't going to Myorzo. They were going to find Ba'ul first for whatever reason after she had fumed about not going there in the first place. Or skip it entirely and just go straight to the Weasand of Cados. He really wasn't sure. But he couldn't let her stalk away from him.

"Would more explanation have helped?"

"Oh," she chuckled, "she can explain herself to them. I don't want to see her."

"No, like, more explanation in yer note?"

Rita growled away the criticism, which meant that she heard and acknowledged it.

"Karol's smart," she said by way of dismissing the suggestion.

"Would a ride from Ba'ul go a bit faster?" At this point, he was really just trying to get details out of her.

"Of course, you dumbass."

"I'm just tryin' to make suggestions before we get too far out."

Rita muttered something, staring into his chest, as if she could see the blastia through his shirt. He didn't ask her to repeat herself. He just let go of her shoulders and wrapped an arm around the back of her neck, drawing her into him. She stopped short of wrapping her arms around him as well, but her forehead came to rest on his collarbone.

"Okay?" he asked. She shrugged, sharp shoulders digging into his arm.

"I'm just tired." Her voice was muffled by his jacket.

"I know."

"Thanks for helping Estelle."

"Just glad we figured it out."

"I hate this. Of course it had to be Volt."

He hummed. She nearly started walking again – her shoulder leaving his arm and throwing into the turn – but paused to groan at the sky, her head tossed back.

"It's not like we weren't already racing against winter. Which," she raised a finger accusingly, her face still upraised so it looked as if she were lecturing a cloud, "by the way, we are losing.

Even if Applehead and the others were able to stick to a timetable - which, by the way," her finger stabbed the sky again, "they have proven they can't - it's already too late to get most of it done. We might be able to get lights in, but if they want hot water? That's at least a month of work. Central heating? Forget it. We're all going to be freezing!"

She sighed, closing her eyes.

"We're on a time limit and we need to figure out how to keep a hostile summon spirit who controls electricity contained when, by the fucking way, it seems like every. single. . I have to get all of this stuff working depends on electricity."

o-o-o

He was patient as she growled through her nose and she did her best not to look out him as she inhaled again. She was making him uncomfortable. She could tell, because he was beside her and completely silent, his body carefully not moving.

She pushed forward, taking the longest steps she could, and knew it was all because of her. She knew it was because he was worried what she might say. Might do.

She stopped again. And she wished, hoped, prayed that he wouldn't stop with her. But that was the problem. Because he wouldn't be there at all if it weren't for her. So instead of walking by, striding forward with purpose to get to the stupid entelexia that was also out there because of someone, he paused and looked at her.

She wanted to throw up.

The next best thing she had was heaving a sigh and leaning against the nearest alley fence. It was shoddy and splinter-filled, but it was a place to pop a squat and let out a subdued scream. In the past ten minutes, they had gone about fifty feet. They needed to be moving and she suddenly couldn't make herself go farther.

But he waited – still he fucking waited – as she huffed a prolonged cry into both of her palms. When she looked up, he didn't have an indulgent smile anymore. Just waited, looking her right in the eyes.

"What?" she snarled.

He knew. It was the worst. He knew and he was trying to convince her without saying anything. But she had held her ear to his heart that wasn't there and she knew that he wanted to keep it there. To not die. She had watched the panic in his face when it had stopped deep in his core. He didn't want to die.

She had seen inside him, in the most invasive way. The way that she had tried to ignore, and still tried to ignore, how she knew that he absolutely was going to let himself be replaced if told to do so. It was a command he could not ignore.

She also knew the feeling of watching someone die through his eyes. She had seen someone die that she knew and cared about – both literally and theoretically. He had been her eyes, her nerves, for much of it. She had felt Schwann die, the way his arteries had slowly collapsed and how the bones of his wrists and ankles had cracked under the weight of stone and runes.

"We might have a worst-case scenario," he said gently. "After all, electricity is the key. We can't have him runnin' amok."

"Nope."

She meant it about everything. She was done saying it.

But it gave her the moment she needed to think, her nails digging into her palms as she chewed on her tongue.

o-o-o

"And… Just… You…" The words were mumbled, as if she wasn't sure how to say them.

A long moment passed, but she didn't continue the thought. Or look at him. She just pushed herself to her feet, hiked her bag up again, and continued as if she hadn't stopped in the first place.

What about him? He watched her back as it moved away, trying to guess what she was thinking.

Then she turned around and strode back towards him with the same vicious purpose.

But her face was twisted up in something like grief.

"I will not lose you."

She put her hands on his chest, one over his blastia and the other just under his collarbone. It could almost have been called a shove, the way she leaned her weight into him, but it was as if she were just feeling out the cracks in a rock fault. As angry as she was, she was gentle and he didn't know what to do with it.

o-o-o

He was warm beneath her palms, both the sun on his jacket and the gentle heat under his shirt. She leaned into it, so painfully aware of how delicate it was. How quickly it could be taken away.

"I won't," she insisted, curling her knuckles until his shirt drew in around the seams but didn't actually grasp at the fabric.

He didn't reply to that. He just smiled that stupid rogue-ish smile that he would do when he didn't have a response. She knew it too well at this point. And she hated it.

"Fine," she snapped, "I'll say it; we might be able to contain Volt in a blastia if we get enough help to make it happen. And yeah, I'll also say what you all are thinking; you have a working blastia. Probably one of the only ones out there. Actually probably the only one. And it could probably be programmed to hold a summon spirit with a lot of finesse and a shit-ton of luck. But it's in use. Occupied."

He just kept smiling at her. Even if the rest of his face looked the same, she could always tell when it wasn't real.
Not that the particular expression was ever supposed to be real. But somewhere along the line in all of this had come the moment when she could recognize panicked freezing versus a wise pause in that smile. And it was amazing how similar they were. Watching her memories back with Aska and Shadow, she had realized the difference with the advantage of having seen in Raven's head. But she would have seen it herself given enough time, she was sure.

It never reached his eyes, that stupid smile. And that sounds as though it should have been obvious. It was an entire part of his face.

"The worst part about all of this? Is that you might actually be the best person to come talk to Shadow and its exactly because of shit like this."

The tears in her own eyes were unexpected and unwanted. Something tensed deep within her skull, spread to her throat, and before she knew it, she was trying to suck in a sob before it could escape. She failed – of course she failed – and Raven pulled her into his chest again. Her pack slid down her shoulder to thud onto the road and she found that she just didn't care.

"It'll be okay, sweetheart."

She huffed against his shirt, but the tears stayed in check. It was easy to stay a little longer like that, especially when she raised her arms to circle him and he kissed the top of her head.

"No, it's not. Because you just… hate yourself so much sometimes."

o-o-o

Just because it was true and he knew that she knew, didn't mean that he was quite ready for the cold trickle of shame that swirled through his core. His arm muscles tensed without him meaning to and she loosened her hold in response. But he didn't let her go and she didn't stop talking.

"That's all I can come up with as to why you keep trying to do things like this to yourself."

He couldn't look down at her so he just looked out over the bridge they had yet to cross, towards the forest they had yet to enter. The sunset was turning a deep orange right before the sun actually dipped below the horizon and the light on the water wasn't enough to sting his eyes.

"What even is the matter with you?" Rita continued. "You're fine with just disappearing?"

"Of course not," he said and he wasn't sure if it was a lie. He didn't think it was, but it had been so long since he had needed to actually think about it that it was somewhat hazy. Schwann certainly would have been fine with it – a tool could be put away when it was done being used, after all – but Raven was pretty sure that he would rather stick around a little longer.

But it wasn't that simple. And he told her so.

She snorted. "It really is. Just get over yourself. Make up your mind."

It was abruptly too much. The patience he had practiced, that had been solid and sure for these past days, snapped.

o-o-o

It took just two steps, but he had her backed up against the wall of a building, in the lee of the sunlight so that her calves were warm from the street's reflection but the brick against her back was cool. He wasn't exactly tall enough to loom over her, but with one of his hands on the wall by her neck and the other by her ribs, she felt surrounded by him. If nothing else, he was certainly tall enough that he leaned down towards her.

The sham smile was gone. She had gasped a little as he pressed her back, and she let the air out now in a long breath. Her palms were laid on his chest between them, her fingers not quite crushed between their sternums.

"I'm not tryin' to just throw my life away." His voice was low and serious.

He was angry at her and it was somehow relieving. That he wasn't being such a sad sack and was actually going to push back on something. And she didn't want to think too much about how close his eyes were, their centers deep and dark.

"Sure seems like it sometimes," she snapped at him. It felt like the safe move, getting angry back. It kept the tears in check, kept the flutter in her stomach down. At least, that's what she had to keep telling herself in the hopes that it would work.

"Says the girl who wasn't goin' to tell anyone she was leavin'."

"I told you."

He huffed out a single laugh at that, his voice a growl.

"Tell me," he mimicked, "what exactly was your plan again?"

"I told you," she repeated, "I don't know."

Her entire face was hot, the flush extending down her neck. She wanted to shrink into the wall, to look anywhere else, but he was too close for her to even look down.

The bridge led out from a bit of Dahngrest that had seen a bit of an economic boom by being suddenly near a city entrance. There were freshly painted storefronts and more than one hand-written sign, but it still was quiet on the streets compared to the bustling main plaza. With the sun setting, there were plenty of folks packing up shop and the streets were mostly empty. With the cool bricks against her back, the warmth of Raven's wrist just shy of resting against her neck, and the orange of the sky beyond his cheek, it was as if they were alone in the world.

"So you" – and there was that terrifying moment when the accent slipped on that word – "were goin' to just sneak out without a plan and with no backup."

"Yeah," she said, angry she had to admit it out loud.

For a moment, the suppressed fury on his face lifted just enough to allow him to raise an eyebrow and she knew that if Raven wasn't so pissed, he would have leveled the worst kind of shit-eating grin at her.

"Sounds like something I would do, huh?" he murmured.

"I-"

"And if that were the case, it would mean that you were okay with disappearing?"

"No, you idiot. I just don't want to put anyone else in danger."

"You have a whole group of people who can take care of themselves." Both of his hands were on either side of her face now, his hands flat against the brick. He wasn't touching her, even his jacket hovering away from her.

"Not a single one of them have any kind of self-preservation instinct."

"So you'd be in good company."

"Stop it." Her eyes were hot at this point, she was blushing so hard. "What is your point?"

"I'm not tryin' to throw myself away for nothin'. If I can protect even one of you, I'll do it."

"And why you?" Distantly, she was concerned that they might be louder than they thought, that they might attract attention at this point as they fought with him pressing her against a wall. She hoped no one would steal her bag where it sat in the street behind Raven. "What makes you so special that it can only be you?"

"I'm not special. I – "

"You're special to me!" Her voice broke as she tilted her head back to glare at him.

That made him hesitate, really just a blink that was almost a flinch, but it wasn't enough to stop him.

"I'm just a tired old man, Rita darlin'," he bit out. "No one will miss me when I'm gone."

"Oh, fuck you. I'm not listening to this again."

He continued as if she hadn't spoken.

"But you keep talking like you're the only one who is scared to lose someone," he said, his tone still dark but ever-so-slightly softer. "I-I'm terrified to lose you. If I can keep you safe, I will. If I could make it so that I never had to let you out of my sight again, I would. But there's only so much I can do."

Rita gasped again; really just a loose-jawed breath. Raven's voice dug deep into his chest, the words lancing through her throat as if he had stabbed her with them. His eyes still blazed, narrow with the hard line of his brow above them.

"Rita, I –"

She didn't want to hear it. She didn't want to hear whatever it was that he was going to say. She didn't care what it was. She just didn't want to hear it.

He was so close that she didn't have to rise onto her toes to reach him, but she wouldn't have had to anyway. He crashed into her, his hands finally leaving the wall to cup the back of her head. He drew her up into him, as if he were drinking her, his lips desperate and warm against hers. Rita curled her fingers into the fabric of his shirt, clenching into fists and holding him in place. It bridged the gap between them, her knuckles against her collarbone and the backs of her fingers against his sternum. It was as if every joint collapsed at once, even the spaces in her spine simply melting, and it was only the wall and Raven that were keeping her upright.

Her eyes had shut on their own and she couldn't make herself open them again. It would just be distracting from the feeling of his fingers slightly tangled in her hair, the ridge of his thumbnail pressed against the back of her left ear. A stilted, almost broken, sound escaped from Raven as he breathed and then he was even closer. He completely enveloped her, until there was only his mouth on hers, his hips against hers, and the hard edge of his blastia digging into the side of her hand.

It hurt. Not physically. In fact, it was anything but painful. There were pools of warmth at her neck, at the width of her hips, at the backs of her knees. But the way that his lips parted, drawing her close and deepening the kiss, something was sharp about it. It was like a scalpel slipping at the corners of her mouth, making her afraid to smile. It was a hot and cold wire, soldering itself to every point as Raven traced a line of kisses along her jaw.

It wasn't because of Raven, but it was. It wasn't because of her, but it was.

o-o-o

Rita's fingers were cool as one of her hands broke free from between them to brush his throat. It made him jump, raising the fine hairs on the back of his neck, and he drew back just enough to see that had been the reaction she wanted. Her eyes were hooded, pupils dark, and every inch of her skin that he could see was the same bright shade of pink, but she was still glaring at him. It was an expression so quintessentially Rita, so tied in the essence of her, that he couldn't help it.

He kissed her again, watching her eyes slide back and close even if her anger didn't soften. His own lids closed as she met him and he chased her until they both were out of breath. His hands brushed down her sides until they rested at the small of her back, and her cold fingers linked behind his shoulders.

It was a kiss that he meant, a kiss that held a promise. She didn't have to return the promise, not now, not ever if she didn't want to, but now was the moment when he could express it. She was easy to cradle, easy to dip into. He let his tongue touch her lips once, drawing them open and then flicking against her teeth before he withdrew.

Rita let out a series of small squeaks as she dragged him down to breathe him in, her mouth just barely against his. Then she drew her head back with an exhale that was almost a gasp.

"What are we doing?" she demanded.

Her eyes were open and she was looking right at him and he didn't have even the split second it should have taken to school his face away from the predatory leer he knew that question brought up. He couldn't help it. This was a part of Raven he hadn't had to explore with Rita before or even himself for a long while now, and turns out there were bad habits that he thought had disappeared.

This had been the way Raven kept himself safe. If ever a woman got too close, if they pushed too far, he could lapse back into perversion. Enough to be uncomfortable, not to get him arrested. Unless he had needed to be arrested. It had happened more than once in the line of duty and at least the first half had been enjoyable.

His hands twitched at her back and she arched against the wall, twitching at the contact.

What were they doing?

This was it. This was the moment that was too far. This was his limit, with her sharp elbows dug into his ribs, her cold fingers just at the seam of his jacket on his neck, and her angry dark eyes so close to his own. His face twisted into a shield that had been so carefully developed over years.

But Rita didn't waver under his gaze. She stared at him with wide eyes that slowly narrowed the longer he didn't answer.

o-o-o

When she asked the question, she didn't really know what she had been expecting for an answer. She wasn't even sure what she wanted the answer to be, since there were too many things she was asking about.

But she was certain she hadn't been expecting the curl at the corner of his mouth, the tilt of his head, and the way his fingers slid against her spine. It tickled and she squirmed away from it, but she was swallowed by Raven's eyes. His lips were parted and he was breathing hard, the same as her. At her words, one side of his face drew up, his teeth coming together and turning the whole expression into a grin. But it was unlike any grin she had seen on him before. He was too close, her body hidden in his jacket, for him to look her up and down, but it was the same face that many a man had worn while doing the same to Judy. At least those guys had been smart enough – usually – to do it while Judy wasn't looking. With Raven right in front of her, so close that she could feel the buttons on his shirt…

The expression looked almost wrong. She could see Raven in it. There was a hunger there too and her stomach did a cold flip as her face continued to burn. She wasn't sure how she felt, being looked at like that, but she wouldn't have been opposed to finding out. It made her skin tingle and her toes curl even as she rose up on them. But while she believed in the sincerity of the hunger, of the desperation that she could feel through his shoulders, she couldn't shake the feeling of fiction in his expression. It reminded her of the stupid grin she hated so much, but darker, more intense.

He took a deep breath then, his entire body expanding and his dark eyes flicking back and forth between hers. Finally his gaze dropped to her lips and she tilted her head back without thinking about it, her arms tensed to pull herself up to meet him again, even if he hadn't answered her question.

But it was as if her movement burned him. His hands moved to her waist, pushing her away from him lightly. It meant that she just sort of stayed in place against the wall while he stepped back, but she suddenly felt bereft and cold, his heat moving away and leaving just the cold of the bricks. Her hands slipped from his shoulders and she let them hang by her sides. There was another icy flip in her stomach, but this time it was sour rather than tingling and she dropped her gaze to his boots as he took another deep breath that she heard whistle through his nose.

"I'm sorry," he said, and she wasn't sure which thing he was apologizing about.

His hands were still on her waist, warm even through her sash, but it did nothing to ease the twist behind her navel. Still, she didn't push them off, his sleeves brushing against her wrists.

o-o-o

She deflated all at once, her neck flushing even darker with uneven spots of red and pink. Her head was bent so he couldn't see her face but they were still close enough that the top of her head almost brushed his chest. Her hair was mussed, the parts still separated from his fingers had raked through it.

Without even having to think about it, his palms moved from the tops of her hips to the base of her ribs, holding her upright. She didn't actually need the support – his touch was feather-light – but he was loathe to give up the contact, especially as she removed her hands from him.

It was so incredibly selfish. It was probably the most selfish thing he had ever done. But it let him wipe the lech from his face and let it just be angry again. His fingers were able to settle between the dips of her ribs, curling the fabric of her robe into his palms.

"I don't know," he finally said as an answer.


A/N: Permit me this indulgence in lieu of plot or actual discussion about things. I feel we all need a moment to be angry and grieve and heal. But it will pass and we will move on.

The most sincere of wishes to all who are here with me: health, happiness, and hope.

Happy New Year and Fuck 2020!