She wasn't sure she liked being alive again.

That was the first coherent thought Usagi remembered having, once she got past the initial shock of waking up, with all the machines, the beeps, the lights, and the medical personnel roaming around the room. It was like breaking the surface after being submerged in the cold, quiet deep of the ocean, gasping for air. Everything hurt. Her head was splitting with the migraine from hell that was never going to end, full of a hundred garbled memories vying for attention.

A moment later there was a face hovering over her, young and pretty, brow creased with anxiety as she held down the hands Usagi hadn't been aware she was moving, pulling, ripping at the wires and tubes holding her down. The face before her kept shifting, one second a man's shadowed face with the bright light behind him, the next the same young girl calling out for help, and the pain. In and out.

Everything blurred. She was sinking down, back below the surface, into the quiet abyss. The alarms and the flashing screens became a distant hum, wrapping around her, rocking her gently down below her consciousness.

Usagi would have liked to stay there.

When she woke the second time, slower, the pain is what drew her back. This time she was more prepared. She remembered. Being abducted, captive, and then the point where she broke away from it all. Mistakenly thinking she was dead.

Usagi peeled her eyelids apart, which took a massive amount of effort. Gravity was cruel compared to the spectral entity she had been before, and she felt uncomfortable in her own skin. She glanced around the room but the lights were dimmed so she couldn't see much. Just the monitor hovering above her head, reading out a heart rate and other vital signs, and her mother curled into one of the foldout hospital chairs, sleeping.

Where is he? She closed her eyes and screwed them shut, scowling, angry that it was the first thought that came. She tried to convince herself that the tears pricking the back of her eyelids were a result of the stabbing pains creeping along her side to her rib cage. Her fingers traced along the bandages covering most of her right side.

Her hand brushed against the remote and she lifted it far enough to look at the buttons, wincing as the movement caused another spasm of pain through her side. She pressed the red button at the top of her remote that had a rough cartoon drawing of a nurse on it, hearing the answering bell going off somewhere out in the hallway.

Only a few moments passed before the nurse came into the room and even less for the nurse to realize Usagi was awake and her mother had not pressed the button. She came to the side of the bed but mercifully did not turn the overhead light on, so Ikuko didn't stir in her chair at all.

"Pain," Usagi managed in a rasp, not even a whisper, but the nurse understood. She left for a while, maybe a minute, maybe an hour, and came back with a syringe in her hand. There were already tubes of fluids going into her IV line, but when the nurse pushed whatever was in her syringe, Usagi felt the warmth hit her with a force, spreading from the top of her head all the way down to the tips of her toes.

When the sleep slid over her, rising like water, making everything numb again, she had the fleeting desire to stay there forever. Being alive again meant feeling the pain, and just like before, life was as painful as ever.

xXx

The police had only detained him for 24 hours. Sasuke had never spent the night in jail before and he found he didn't care for the experience. When the police arrived, almost in time with emergency medical services, they found him standing over Usagi trying to wake her, his mind still processing the unbelievable fact that she was alive. Whoever had been keeping her there had been keeping her alive, giving her IV fluids. She was emaciated, comatose, and anemic from blood loss through multiple injuries, but she was still alive.

He understood how bad the situation looked, especially since initially he had a difficult time explaining how he had tracked the blonde down. At first he could think of nothing beyond the ghostly projection of Usagi apparently having some sort of out of body experience that only he could see, so he said nothing, which didn't improve his standing with the detectives on the case.

He came up with the weak excuse of remembering Usagi's offhand account of the man on her vacation, which luckily he had Ikuko's backup on the fact that he had come to the house to find the man's address with an identical story. That and the fact that the house belonged to said man, not to Sasuke, and that it was clear the blonde had been down there for several days already was enough to get him released the next day with a friendly warning not to leave town.

Like he had anywhere else to go.

Sasuke returned to his apartment, finding it much more empty than before. He had never noticed how small of a space it was, but now it felt like a tiny shoebox with the walls pressing in around him. And silent. He had never noticed before but he could hear every footstep in the apartments all around him, every chair scraping across the floor, every muffled word of the television through the thin walls dividing them. If he concentrated enough, he could swear he heard the sound of their breathing.

To make things worse, it was much too soon to return to work. He had taken the week and there was still much of it to go. Not to mention, as soon as he walked in he expected the bombardment from his coworkers to ask what had happened. Only now it would be so much worse than when Usagi disappeared. He had found her, he knew the details, and now he would be expected to relay what he knew to people he barely spoke to. It was all too much to think of, and he was still feeling overwhelmed.

Usagi was alive. That was the first and most difficult thing he was coping with. Since her ghost-form had been following him around the past couple of days he had adjusted to the idea of her being dead. Or perhaps he hadn't, because she had still been right there, still a constant in his life however subdued she had become. Ikuko had told him before she left the police station that Usagi was in ICU, still comatose but otherwise completely stable. The doctors were unable to say whether she would wake up, when she would, or if she may have suffered any neurological damage from being deprived of oxygen for any length of time.

Sasuke hadn't been to the hospital. He knew in his head that he should go. Whenever he made the notion to actually leave, he kept having the same thought again and again; Usagi was in love with him.

When he had realized this the day before, it had thoroughly shocked him, but it hadn't sunk in completely. That's when Usagi had still been dead. That's when it didn't matter quite as much because everything relating to Usagi had only been past tense. He never considered his own feelings on the matter very seriously because they didn't matter. You couldn't love a dead person.

But Usagi was alive. If she woke up, she was going to return to work and to his life. They hadn't addressed it, even after he figured everything out, but Sasuke wasn't sure that he could act like he didn't know. Now that he had lost some of the apathy that had shrouded him from reality in the past two years, now that he was awake, he wasn't sure how he would react to anything anymore.

Sasuke leaned forward in the chair on his balcony, the coffee in his hand gone cold with barely a sip missing. He stared out over the grey expanse of the city worrying over the same thoughts again and again. As someone who never acknowledged his own feelings, he was finding it nearly impossible to puzzle out how he felt about Usagi.

He knew, at least, that he felt something. He recalled the morning when he heard the news report about her disappearance and the feeling that had overcome him. There was something even more intense, down in the pit of his gut, when she had shown up in his room and announced that she was dead. And yet there was something different when Naruto had told him with finality that the blonde woman was in love with him.

Sasuke rested his head in his hands and let out a long sigh. He wished it was possible to go back to the way he had been, before all of this happened, before he questioned himself or anything else. But he knew that was impossible now. He was like a man living in the dark who finally got a glimpse of the light. Now that he knew it was there he almost craved it, almost couldn't live without it anymore.

His phone dinged a text alert, bringing him back to the present. It was Naruto again, asking him if he was okay. He'd left a slew of voicemails at first, all unanswered, and eventually settled in to texting periodically, even though Sasuke only texted back a one-word response of, "Fine." He figured if he responded with something Naruto wouldn't come marching into his apartment disturbing his life even more.

Sasuke sent his response and rose to return inside, leaving the full cup of coffee on the balcony forgotten, no closer to an answer then when he started.

xXx

Usagi tensed as the physical therapist slid her hand under the gait belt around her waist and held on. The first attempt had been a terrible failure. The therapist had been a man. As soon as he touched her she seized up and starting hyperventilating. The doctor had called it an anxiety attack. She could still feel the fear like a hand around her throat, choking her, her vision going dark.

The therapist counted to three and Usagi pushed up with her legs as instructed. In that moment she became an infant again, forgetting all concepts of how to walk, or even how to work her muscles and tell her legs to move. The therapist supported her weight while she tried, sweat beading on her brow, the wind escaping her lungs.

It must have only been a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity before she was eased down and allowed to sit again. The therapist was saying something encouraging but Usagi was focused on regulating her breathing again. They helped her back into the bed and left, giving her the odd semi-silence of the hospital, quieter than usual but still full of background noise as people went about their jobs.

Usagi leaned back into her pillows and reached for the table almost subconsciously. There was a small hand mirror there she had asked her mother to bring in, but she hadn't had the courage to look at her reflection quite yet. Her hand fell back into her lap, and then traced the straps on the soft wrist restraints that were tucked into the bed beside her, ready for use.

She could only remember small flashes of the night terrors that had plagued her for the past two nights, just the crippling and paralyzing fear, but she knew that she had been wild in the bed, pulling multiple lines and reopening her wounds. She clenched her hands into fists and closed her eyes, trying to fight down the hailstorm of emotions coursing through her; the anger, the disgust, the suffocating sadness and, above all, the fear. So much fear.

"Miss Tsukino?" Usagi jumped at the deep voice that penetrated her thoughts, both hands flying upward in a defensive position. Unfortunately, the table was pulled close enough that she banged her right hand against it and cursed, cradling it against her chest as the stab of pain spread from the point of contact through the rest of her hand and her forearm. For a moment, she relished it, a welcome distraction from the internal pain she had just been struggling with.

Everything stopped when she felt the warm fingers against her skin, gently pulling her hand free to examine the injury. Usagi looked up and into the eyes of the man on the other end of those fingers, as blue and dark as the midnight sky free of stars. Through the roar of blood rushing in her ears she thought she heard him mumbling an apology as he inspected her for signs of bleeding or broken bones, his onyx colored hair falling into his eyes as he ducked his head closer. Yet instead of the fear and anxiety she was waiting for to pull her under what followed was an odd quiet, her heart beating steady and true, her breathing even. Calm.

"It doesn't look too bad, but you might have a new bruise." Words started making sense again, and the moment passed. He looked up again, making eye contact and smiling apologetically. Usagi swallowed nervously and gently tugged her hand away from his grip. He seemed to have forgotten he was holding on to her hand for he dropped his own hands to his side and cleared his throat nervously. "Sorry. My name is Mamoru Chiba. I'm the detective who has been assigned to your case. I know you've been through a lot—

"You don't have to say that." The words came out before she could think that it was better not to say them, maybe a little ungrateful. Mamoru looked at her with surprise, unsure what to say, and she felt her face flush uncomfortably. "I mean that's what everyone says when they come in here. You don't need to say it just to be polite."

The corner of his mouth turned upward with his amusement, a laugh crinkling his eyes as he took out a pen and paper. "I bet. Very well, we'll forego politeness then. Do you mind answering a few things for me today?"

"Sure." Usagi felt her face turning even redder and wished she could bury her face in her hands. She could only imagine how terrible she looked as the mirror was still face down on the table, but on top of it she was making a fool of herself. Typical.

"I'm just going to ask you some basic questions and if it gets too much then we can stop." He made eye contact again, the desire to tease her again clearly there, but he didn't act on it. Instead he put pen to page and told her to recount what she remembered, the mirth disappearing from his face as he listened.

When it was over and he rose to leave, Usagi couldn't remember what questions he had asked, just that the fear had stayed away, a shadow at the edge of her vision as she talked, unable to approach.

xXx

Usagi's awake. Sasuke stared at the words on his phone as though willing them to offer him a solution to his dilemma. He knew he should go. A part of him even wanted to go. He wanted to lay eyes on her again. Distance had made the notion of her being alive just hazy enough that if he really tried he could still pretend it hadn't happened. It also made it that much harder to pull it back.

That part of him wanted to know if in life she was the same as she had been before, the same infuriatingly cheerful and constantly talking entity that shadowed his every footstep, or if she had morphed into that strange and quiet creature that had sat here across from him at this very dining table and fixed him with her ghostly stare.

The larger part of him didn't want to see her at all. The part of him who would have no idea what to say to her now. The same he had been struggling with for the past couple of days and didn't know how he felt. He didn't want to face it.

He would have to return to work on Monday. Even if he didn't go to the hospital, Usagi would return to work eventually, to that cubicle right next to his. It would only be worse the longer he dragged it on. He should get it over with, quick and painful, like pulling off a Band-Aid.

Sasuke stood, committing to his decision to go. He grabbed his car keys and left the apartment like he was on fire, before he could think anymore, or second guess, or change his mind.

xXx

The sound of Usagi's laughter froze him outside of the door. It was familiar but startling, a sound he had almost forgotten, and it made him stop in his tracks. He had driven to the hospital, found her room, even stopped at the gift shop to get flowers because he was pretty sure that was what you were supposed to do when you visited someone in the hospital. Now he stood there, the colorful bouquet clenched in one hand, his other on the door handle, wanting to turn and run.

Instead he pulled the door open and walked in. The noise from the door betrayed his entry and it was followed by the sudden silence that often comes over people who were having a conversation they didn't want to share. Usagi was propped up in the bed on a throne of pillows. She was facing away from him, talking, her face full of the enthusiasm he remembered.

As she turned her head and saw him, her face froze. The little bit of color that had been in her cheeks drained away, until she was as white as the sheets she was lying on. Sasuke kept her gaze, unwilling or unable to look away, searching for an answer to a question he had been asking himself for the past few days.

The other occupant in the room cleared their throat, snapping the two of them out of their momentary daze. Usagi looked down and away, and Sasuke looked at the other person as they stood.

"You have a visitor, Miss Tsukino. We'll continue this later." The tall, dark-haired man offered him a polite smile as he walked past him to the door, but Sasuke seemed to have forgotten how to control his facial muscles to move past anything but a glare. He barely heard Usagi's muttered farewell over the click of the door sliding shut or the blood rushing in his ears.

"Sasuke?" Usagi's small voice brought him back into the moment once again, and he glanced up at her again. When their eyes met for the second time, she immediately looked down at her hands, the color returning to her cheeks all at once.

"Hey." It was the only thing he could think of to say. Anxiety flushed out the feeling of anger he had just had, and now he was once again stuck. He walked forward and placed the bouquet of flowers on the table, then took a seat by the bed. Usagi raised her eyes enough to look at them and her face eased into a small smile, though he couldn't tell if she was happy or just amused. She reached her hand out to finger one of the petals.

"Pink," she said, and he almost responded with, your favorite. It struck him that he hadn't made a conscious decision to buy that color because he knew it was her favorite. She looked at him again, her smile fading, "Thank you."

Another silence stretched between them, and the feeble hope that Sasuke had harbored that words would come to him once they were face to face quickly died off. His eyes moved away from Usagi's face and he noticed for the first time the spatter of bruises that lined the visible skin along her arms and neck, like someone had taken cans of black and blue paint and doused her with them, stark against her pale white skin. She looked too thin, her bones sticking out at the joints too sharply.

Most noticeable, though, were the dark circles under her eyes, the exhaustion etched into her face and posture. She looked like the ghost that had been haunting him more than the girl that he knew.

"Thank you for helping me," Sasuke looked into her face again, but found it did no good. He couldn't read any of the emotions there, any more than he could figure out his own.

"So you remember everything?" It was as good a question as any, and the first thing that popped into his mind for conversation starters. Usagi nodded, but didn't say anything else. Sasuke was used to her taking over the conversation. He floundered but could not come up with anything else to say.

In the silence, he watched the numbers on the monitor behind her head changing, and looked around at the other flowers and balloons and stuffed animals filling the room. Usagi was looking at her hands, but she finally raised her eyes to study his face. He felt like they were back to his tiny apartment, sitting across from each other, and Usagi was still the pale ghost who had occupied his life.

"You look tired," he found himself saying.

"Nightmares." She glanced down and he noticed for the first time the soft restraints that were tucked to the side and attached to a small bar beneath the bed. Sasuke was struck for the first time by what Usagi had been through. He tried to imagine the tiny blonde coming out of the bed, crazed, needing to be restrained, but couldn't.

He reached his hand out and took hers. He felt Usagi tense and she looked up at him, startled. Her hands were small and bony in his, cold but not as cold as when they'd both thought she was dead. He wasn't sure what made him do it. He squeezed her hand and she smiled, small and unsure but just a hint of the one he remembered from the girl before.

The door slid open once again, breaking the moment. Sasuke let go of Usagi's hand as he turned, seeing the familiar face of her mother, Ikuko. The older woman regarded him with surprise, and then smiled. He rose from his chair and turned back to the blonde.

"I'll see you later," he said, and he left, nodding a greeting to Ikuko as he passed.

xXx