Authors Note:
I do not own startrek or any of its characters or ships. If I did, I would
commandeerthe Enterprise and go exploring the galaxy with Chris Pine, Karl Urban and a case of Tennessee whiskey!

I have revisited and edited this and now have a full story

Hope you enjoy!
- D.A.


The Enterprise crew were off duty pending review of their actions during the Nibiru incident. As captain and first officer, Kirk and Spock were debriefed and reprimanded before the rest of the crew were spoken too. Jim was sitting in his room at headquarters, Starfleet had organized it for him after the Narada incident as he had no place of his own. He had been placed under house arrest until Starfleet could figure out what to do with him.

He felt like a rat in a cage. He did not cope well with confinement, especially solitary confinement. He was trapped in his own thoughts and feelings, replaying Spock's rescue and the ungrateful bastards betrayal. He needed to go somewhere, anywhere, he couldn't stay in this room or he was going to explode. He needed to go somewhere he could deal, somewhere he felt comfortable, and that was only one place…Bones place.
Come to think of it he had spent a number of nights at Bones apartment sleeping one off, or recuperating from one thing or another on his friends couch.

He could override his ankle monitor and the door lock easy enough, but there were two guards outside his door now. Well shit, he was already in trouble, adding assault to the charges wasn't going to change anything, he thought and right now he felt like getting into a fight anyway. He skillfully dealt with the guards quickly and dragged them into the room, attaching the ankle monitor to one of them before locking the door behind him and slipping away into the night.

He walked down the road to the apartments and let himself into Bones place. McCoy, he knew, was still at Star Fleet Medical attending a compulsory seminar on some thing or another, probably trying not to fall asleep from boredom.

Being here now, he felt anxiety. He had never felt that before let alone around Bones. Still replaying everything in his head his anxiety increased, what if Bones thinks they're right? He could not ever forgive himself if he had disappointed Bones, what if they never got posted together again? What if Bones was sick of him too? What if…?

No. No he couldn't handle it. He was so stupid – racing through the academy to finish first instead of focusing on actually learning something for once in his life. His identic memory allowed him to recall information easily to pass whatever test they threw at him, but what was the point if he never bothers to understand that information. He told himself life was better when he was on Earth getting into barfights and being the only genius repeat offender in the mid-west, at least that is a title he had actually earned. Maybe that is where he belonged. Not chasing the memories of some other Kirk.

His stuff was still all packed in his duffle bag that he had bought with him, all he had to do was grab it and go, but something stopped him. Bones. He couldn't just run out on him, not after everything they have been through. But he couldn't dare tell him to his face. So he left a note. He felt a twinge in his heart as he wrote the last words and he'd be damned if a tear didn't find its way into the world.

Kirk took a last look around what was probably the only place he ever really felt like home, second only to his Enterprise. He left the note and his key on the small coffee table in the middle of the room, standing it on its side so Bones would see it when he walked in, and sat his keys beside it. He took a deep breath to steady his thoughts and emotions before turning and walking away. He knew he wouldn't be coming back – he made decisions based on gut feelings and quick thinking, he did what he felt needed to be done damn the consequences. Starfleet wanted captains that would stop and assess the risks with logic and statistics. That, he now realized, was not him. He was reckless and bold, and that had just cost him his command, his ship and one of his best friends. He felt burned, betrayed, guilty and stupid. Mostly he just felt angry and lost. He had just become accustomed to having a home and now it was gone.

He snuck off the campus and started walking in no particular direction, he had nowhere to go, so he just walked. He didn't know how long he had walked for before he heard music coming from a bar nearby. It wasn't the current club music, it was much older and much more interesting. Drawing him in he decided to try and 'drown his head' a bit ordering a shot a Jack, then another, he was on his third drink when Captain Pike found him. Then they had been summoned to an emergency meeting at 21:00 hours. Pike took Jim back to his room at headquarters so he could get changed and meet him at the command center.

Everything happened so quickly it was like a technicolor blur mixed with screams and pain. He felt something was wrong, there was a ship, an explosion sent him flying, it started firing on the room, people and bodies were everywhere, the ship got disabled and crashed, first he seen Spock and felt relief his friend was alive and seemingly unharmed, then his eyes fell to Pike…his lifeless eyes staring straight past him, he was overwhelmed with emotion when he collapsed and sobbed over his dead friends body….then nothing, just numbness. He vaguely remembers walking down to ground level, people grabbing at him needing help, he assisted a few of the casualties but soon the medics were on scene and taking charge so he left. He found his way back to his room and just sat there for a minute, mind racing. Looking down he realized he still had his dress uniform on, and it was covered in blood…Pikes blood. Running to the bathroom he retched into the waste unit. Once done he sat there shaking, until he felt like he could stand then he removed his uniform dropping it on the ground before having a shower. He sat there in the bottom of the shower and cried for what felt like hours and he was exhausted. Turning the water off he wrapped himself in a towel and collapsed onto the bed wrapping a blanket around himself. He woke 3 hours later as the sun was rising. He got himself dressed and was preparing himself to return to the scene when Spock called him.

The next few hours flew by in a haze as he was reinstated as captain and ordered to go after Kahn. It was a scramble to get the crew together and ship prepped for departure. He had bruised ribs, bruised kidney and a headache when Bones caught up with him in the hanger bay to board the shuttle to Enterprise – 10hrs after the explosion. He had not eaten in 18hrs and he had only had 1 glass of water in that time. But he didn't have time to do anything about any of that now, and if Bones found out he would have a fight on his hands so he had to keep moving, keep busy.


Happy with it so far?
More to come.