Author note: I do not own Count Cain: Godchild. Nor do I own any of the characters.

I don't really know why I decided to start this now, considering I'm supposed to be working on 'My Eyes to See,' and 'Scattered Rose Petals,' but I doubt this will be updated often-unless, of course, if I get writers block on all the other fanfics I'm working on and need to write some humour instead of what I usually write. (For example, right now...I'm having a bit of a hard time figuring out what to do for chp. 4 of 'Scattered Rose Petals' and chp. 15 for 'My Eyes to See.' Sorry for those who have been waiting for the next chapters of these fics, but I think it might take a while...)

Warning: Possible spoilers for the whole manga series, possible swearing, possible violence, possible pairings (may include shounen-ai/yaoi and shoujo-ai/yuri), possible OOCness at times, and a lot of randomness. You have been warned...

Reviews would be great, and I hope you guys read, review and enjoy! Thanks! :)


The Delilah Files: Episode One

"Is this thing working?" Owl asked, poking the camera few times. Cassandra Gladstone sighed, before smacking White Owl's hand out of the way of the camera. "Ow!"

"Of course it's working, you idiot!" Cassandra snapped back, pointing at the screen. "Do you see the red blinking thing!? If it's working, the camera is on and recording everything we're saying and doing!"

Owl rolled his eyes at Cassandra, who simply just glared back at him. "Anyway," He continued, looking at the screen. "Hello, everyone watching, and welcome to the Delilah Files! This is White Owl, the Fool of the Major Arcana and prophet of Delilah, coming to you live from Delilah headquarters!" He waved at the screen, before turning to the others and pointed to each person as he introduced them. "Here we have Cassandra Gladstone, the Hierophant of the Major Arcana; Jizabel Disraeli, the Death card of the Major Arcana; Ida of Lunacy a.k.a Moon, the Moon card of the Major Arcana; Celeste Helena Octavia a.k.a Justice, the Justice card of the Major Arcana and finally, last but not least...Cassian, Trump Card of Delilah!" He finished, pointing at Cassian.

"Why is the bloody Trump Card here again?" Cassandra asked, shaking his head a bit. "I thought this show was being hosted by the Major Arcana only, besides the Cardmaster!"

"Cassandra, Cassian is the only one who knows how to operate the camera properly so far." Jizabel answered before White Owl could speak up. The young doctor crossed his legs quietly as he continued. "If it wasn't for him, we would still have no idea how in the world we would use this thing."

"The show is called 'The Delilah Files,' out of every possibly tacky name in the world? Really?" Justice asked with an annoyed expression on her face. Her blindfold was off (which was good so the viewers watching this could see her face), and her dark amber eyes were obviously aimed towards Owl, shaped as an icy glare. "Couldn't you think up a better name for the show?"

"Hey, it does take place here in Delilah headquarters. You've got to give credit for that." Owl beamed, but Justice just let out a sigh and shook her head at this.

"Why are we even doing this again?" Moon asked, tilting her head to the side a bit.

Cassandra let out a groan. "Blame the Cardmaster for the idea. I don't know why he wanted to do this in the first place, but obviously he either reached a higher level of insanity or he was completely bored and didn't know what to do."

"I think it's probably a combination of both those reasons, to be honest." Cassian responded, shrugging a bit. "Anyway, so what's next?"


Word of the day!

"We're actually doing something like this?" Justice asked, but then Jizabel spoke up.

"Okay, if any of you viewers have no idea how this works, basically we look up a word and learn what it means." The mad doctor started, before picking up a dictionary and flipping the pages all the way to the Y section of the dictionary. "Hm...Let's see...The word 'yobbish.' It means vulgar or unrefined..."

"Like the Trump Card, for example?" Cassandra spoke up, glancing at Cassian, who glared at him when he heard the remark.

"I am not yobbish, you're yobbish you idiot!" The 'boy' snapped.

"How dare you call me that, you-you-you yobbish commoner!" Cassandra snapped back. Before the two could start pummeling each other, though, Jizabel interrupted.

"Actually, I was going to say both of you are examples of that word at various times." Jizabel spoke up, smirking a bit after that statement was done. Both Cassian and Cassandra gaped at the young doctor as everyone else chuckled at this statement, before shouting.

"JIZABEL/DOCTOR!"


Weird thing of the day...

"Weird thing of the day? You've got to be kidding me..." Moon trailed off, letting out a sigh.

"Yup!" Owl responded, grinning. "One of us finds something remarkably weird, and then we show it to everyone! Doesn't that sound great?"

"Does it involve possibly breaking into people's rooms in the dead of night and stealing their things the day before the next episode?" Cassian asked, glancing at Cassandra. Owl nodded, still grinning. "Sweet! I call doing it next time!"

Everyone else exchanged glances, which seemed to ask... Did the White Owl get sugar high right before we started this?

"Anyway, so it was my turn to find something weird. So...I found it. It's called Breadfish."

Everyone exchanged glances of confusion, before Jizabel spoke up.

"I'm sorry, Owl...I'm not sure if I heard that correctly but did you just say Breadfish?" He asked, confused.

"Yup!" The white-haired violinist responded, as his grin got as wide as the Cheshire Cat. Jizabel couldn't help but feel a bit (possibly) frightened by the facial expression. "It's a cartoon thing made by this guy called Weebl', I think...Anyway, I might as well show it to you guys." He clicked a button on a remote control, and a TV screen popped out of nowhere. The screen flickered on, revealing rows after rows of fish embedded in bread swimming across the scren. There was some music playing, too, and everyone just stared at the screen for a moment, bewildered by the sight.

Eventually, though, Cassandra and Owl both burst into laughter, followed by Jizabel and Cassian. Moon and Justice exchanged weirded-out glances, as if they were unsure what was creepier; the Breadfish or the four men laughing their heads off at the odd sight.

Before anyone could remark on how silly the whole thing was, though, that was when Alexis Hargreaves burst into the room. Everyone turned to see him, with terrified expressions on their faces.

"Do you realize that this show is recording all over the Delilah headquarters and distracting all the Trump Cards and Minor Arcana from their work!?" The Cardmaster snapped. "And the Breadfish is getting annoying!"

"C'mon, Cardmaster!" Owl protested, chuckling nervously. "First off we're still trying to figure out all the tech stuff, and besides, you're the one who came up with the idea of the show! It's your fault technically for causing all of this to happen!"

"For once, the Owl makes sense." Moon muttered underneath her breath. Everyone else except Alexis, who was fuming and taking out a pitchfork (to most likely stab Owl with), nodded in agreement.

"Um..." Cassian trailed off, glancing at the camera before looking at the pissed-off Alexis Hargreaves, "We'll be right back..."


Ten minutes later...


A time to rant...

"I don't think we have to explain this section, do we?" Jizabel spoke up, crossing his arms.

"No. We don't. Not really." Justice answered, before she looked at the camera. "If you people watching the show still are wondering where Owl is, he had to leave ten minutes ago because the Cardmaster is chasing him all over the building right now because of the Breadfish thing. It's not pretty..."

"If you're wondering what we will be ranting about, it's about the various pairings that have been occurring in the fanfiction that involves us." Moon muttered, taking out a laptop and opening it. "I mean, seriously!? Me and Cain? What the heck...And then there's me and Justice! Why would I want to be paired with her!? I don't like her in that way!"

"Moon, that's nothing compared to me. I'm paired with Owl in one fic, and...Leroy..." Cassandra muttered the last word underneath his breath. "And as much as I do appreciate the fact that at least one of the fanfiction authors bothered to pair me with Cain and especially Jizabel, why the Trump Card!? I hate him to death! Why should I be paired with him!?"

"Cassandra? In one of these fics, the same author has implied one of their OCs to kind-of be somewhat affectionate towards you." Jizabel spoke up, pointing at the laptop screen. "And they have crossover oneshots with you being paired with this one guy from another fandom."

Cassandra just face-palmed himself as he heard the statement. "Oh, bloody...That's just great..." He trailed off sarcastically. He paused, looking at the laptop and seeing- "Hm. Actually, those crossover oneshots with me being paired with that one guy-Wait, what does he look like...?" He typed in a couple things and clicked the 'Enter' key on the keyboard before seeing. "Hm. Actually, I don't mind that one I'm paired with. He does look quite gorgeous, if I do say so myself..."

Everyone else just looked at what Cassandra was seeing and then exchanged weirded-out glances with each other. No one wanted to know how the poor guy from said other fandom might feel as soon as he saw it...

"There's an awful lot of CainxRiff here...And I mean by a lot." Cassian spoke up as he looked at the laptop. "They've even paired Cain with Maryweather and...Oh goodness. Doctor?"

"Yes, Cassian?" Jizabel asked, bracing for the worst.

"...They've paired you with Cain in a couple fics..."

Jizabel immediately took out a scalpel. "How dare they!" He shouted, shaking slightly as he continued. "Just because I love him to the point that I will kill him doesn't mean that I love him to the point that I'll kiss him!"

"Cassian...Um...They've paired you with Jizabel a couple times. Did you notice that?" Justice spoke up, pointing at the laptop.

"I'm sorry, what?" Cassian spoke up, before grabbing the laptop and staring at the screen. "Oh...Bloody...WHY!?"

Jizabel stared at the laptop screen in disbelief. "I don't believe it..." He trailed off quietly, exhaling a little bit before speaking again. "I just don't believe it..."

"Even worse-" Moon started, pointing at the screen. "Jizabel, they've paired you with that stupid manservant of Cain's in one or two fics!"

"WHAT!?" Jizabel screamed, staring at the screen in complete horror. "What the-Wha-Oh bloody-"

Cassandra gaped a bit at the new information. "I don't believe it..." Cassandra trailed off, completely shocked. "Why? WHY?"

Everyone exchanged weirded-out/freaked-out facial expressions, before cringing simultaneously.

"I think the reason the fanfiction authors do all these pairings is because they are all insane." Justice spoke up. Everyone else just nodded in agreement.


Lists...

"I think the viewers are going to need to figure out why this section is named 'Lists,' Moon." Jizabel spoke up.

Moon let out a sigh, crossing her arms and leaning back on the sofa she was sitting on before speaking. "Basically, one of us or all of us makes a list of things about a certain subject and give reasons why for those things about said subject. And considering that Owl isn't around now, why don't we do something about why we hate him?" Everyone else paused, before nodding in agreement.

"I claim the first reason." Cassian spoke up, an annoyed expression overtaking his face. "It's Owl's violin playing. I mean, we all know that he's a bloody freaking-good violinist, but that doesn't mean he can keep us up late at night until about three in the morning playing it for so long! It's bad for all of us, and it's no wonder the Cardmaster keeps complaining about why everyone is so tired in the morning..."

"I agree with that." Cassandra responded, before continuing. "He also just suddenly shows up out of nowhere, and the sudden appearance of him makes you want to scream but you generally cannot; which is highly annoying because you would want to scream and start strangling him..."

"That actually happens to you?" Moon asked, bewildered by the statement. "I thought Owl did that to me to freak me out..."

"Have you ever actually screamed in fear of when Owl suddenly appears?" Jizabel asked, crossing his arms.

Cassandra let out a deep sigh. "Once." He muttered under his breath. "He can be creepy whenever he wants to, I swear..."

"That's nothing compared to Mikalia." Justice spoke up, shaking her head at the thought of the spider-controlling Delilah doll. "Do you have any idea how many spiders she has? It's like the more I kill with a fly-swatter, the more they multiply!"

"Do they get into your room a lot?"

"Yes. I officially hate Mikalia. Even more than Owl." Justice finished, crossing her arms and letting out a huff.

"Thank goodness she's not on the show..." Jizabel trailed off quietly. "I don't know how any of us could handle her, especially with her spiders about." Everyone else then mentally concluded that despite how bad Owl could be, no one could beat Mikalia at being so pesky, even if they could make a full list of things about what was so annoying about the White Owl to themselves.


Conclusion

"So, um, who's going to be hosting these episodes most often, anyway?" Owl asked. Everyone turned to see him, obviously not expecting him to be back so soon.

"I thought you were being chased to death by the Cardmaster..." Cassandra trailed off awkwardly. "And regarding your question, Owl, I can't be here all the time-I do have an identity besides being the High Priest, you know."

"Same with me." Justice responded, nodding in agreement with Cassandra. "I don't think you should expect either of us to be here often."

"Who thinks Owl will be more likely to host the episodes most of the time because he doesn't have to do anything, considering he's the Fool of the Major Arcana?" Moon spoke up. Everyone raised their hand. "Okay, that settles it. Owl's the permanent host of the show unless he gets sick or gets killed."

"Why would I get killed?" Owl asked, confused at the statement a little bit.

"Well, if any of us were having our sleep disturbed in the middle of the night by your endless violin playing, I think it would be more than enough evidence to have the Cardmaster let us strangle you at the least." Cassian responded. Everyone else nodded in agreement, except for Owl who paled slightly at the statement and coughed a bit.

"So...See you all in the next episode!" Owl beamed at the camera, before turning to the others. "How do you make it stop recording?"

Cassian sighed. "Let me handle it." He took out a small remote and clicked a button. The screen went black afterwards.


Author note: I don't own Breadfish. Nor did I invent the word 'yobbish' (It's a REAL WORD. Look it up in a dictionary if you don't believe me!). Nor do I own any fics mentioned except for my own.