The Battle Of Mongoose Incorporated

"Cobra Commander…" Destro groaned. "What the hell are you doing now?"

"Just having a little fun," Cobra Commander told him as he waved the glowing trident on the bridge.

"What building's toilets are you overflowing now?" Destro groaned. He looked out the window. "Oh, the United States Senate."

"I did the House of Representatives while you were in the back," Cobra Commander said cheerfully.

"Ah checks and balances," Destro nodded. "Commander as amusing as it is watching this particular brand of toilet humor, don't you think we have more pressing matters? Such as dealing with Mongoose Incorporated once and for all!"

"I agree," Cobra Commander nodded as he turned off the trident. "As soon as we can find it! I can't attack something if I don't know where it is!"

"Where do you think it is?" The Baroness snapped as she walked up to them. "Remember the damn chicken restaurant?"

"Which one?" Cobra Commander asked.

"The first one!" The Baroness shouted. "The one where we spent almost two years at before getting lost around the world? Then when we came back we found Mongoose Incorporated had taken over everything? And turned your office into a day care?"

"Oh right…" Cobra Commander realized. "Wait a minute! Are you telling me…?"

"YES!" Destro and the Baroness shouted at the same time.

"Well then why the hell are we wasting time?" Cobra Commander roared. "Let's go!" He stormed past them.

"We should have gone," Destro sighed. "A long, long, long time ago."

"Why the hell didn't we leave years ago?" The Baroness groaned. "That's what keeps me up at night."

"Hang on," Cobra Commander paused. "Do you think we have time to overflow the toilets in the White House?"

Destro and The Baroness looked at each other. "I guess so…" The Baroness shrugged.

"A quick little detour couldn't hurt," Destro admitted. "I mean it's only a few blocks away. It wouldn't take that long. But then we have to go right to Mongoose Incorporated's headquarters!"

"Oh of course," Cobra Commander waved. "Obviously. It's just the White House would be a tiny bit of a warm up!"

"You already did the House and the Senate," Destro agreed. "Might as well do the whole trifecta."

The Baroness realized something. "Wouldn't that technically include the Supreme Court?"

"Ooh I forgot about that!" Cobra Commander realized. "That would be a huge 'screw you' to law enforcement wouldn't it? Okay! White House first. Then Supreme Court. Then we go after Mongoose Incorporated!"

"Good plan," Destro nodded in agreement. "It's messy, puerile and destructive but still a good plan."

"I mean we're in the neighborhood," Cobra Commander added. "And it would look good on our profile."

"That will be a change," The Baroness admitted.

A bit of political mayhem and a few short hours later…

Oh, who am I kidding? Let's see some mayhem.

FLUSH!

"Dear God Chuck!" The female Speaker of the House gasped as the floor of the House flooded. "It's like our last filibuster! Only not as fast!"

"Wow, Nancy. I've heard people say the government is full of crap," Chuck admitted. "But I never thought they meant it literally!"

"Oh my God!" Nancy screamed. "My private bathroom is a mess! WHY? WHY GOD WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO RICH POWERFUL PEOPLE?"

"What did we ever do to deserve this?" Chuck asked. "I'm seriously asking. I don't think we've really done anything for years!"

"Of course, we don't do anything in government!" Nancy snapped. "That's what we do! Nothing!"

"Just checking," Chuck shrugged.

FLUSH!

"This feels like I'm at the latest Republican fundraiser," A Senator remarked as several senators huddled on top of their desks. "Only without the smell. Mitch what's going on?"

"I'm not really sure, Lindsey," Mitch, a very elderly Republican senator looked around. "Is it the apocalypse already? Do I have to hand over my soul to Satan?"

"No, I don't think that's supposed to start until 2020," Lindsey told him.

"Yeah it can't be the apocalypse," Another senator added. "There's no fires. No rapture. No pestilence. Well except for what's on the floor."

"Hang on," Mitch blinked. "God damn it! TED CRUZ DID YOU OVERFLOW THE TOILETS AGAIN?"

FLUSH!

"AAAAHH!" Loud screams where heard from the Supreme Court.

"Oh, shut up you wimps and get me a plunger!" Ruth Bader Ginsberg called out.

FLUSH!

"Honey," The President of the United States called out. "Do you know the number of the White House plumber?"

Okay that's enough of that.

Let's get on with it shall we?

"Okay so what's the plan?" Torch asked as the ship hovered cloaked over Mongoose Incorporated's secret headquarters. "We bomb the joint and go out for frosty milkshakes?"

"As much as I would love to do that," Cobra Commander snarled. "I feel that this battle requires us to be on the ground. We need to break into the building and destroy them even if we have to go room to room to do so! Not to mention retrieve any valuables."

"I agree," Destro nodded. "There is invaluable data there on Mongoose Incorporated's finances, holdings, assets…"

"I was thinking more along the lines of money and scotch," Cobra Commander paused. "And maybe some new office furniture? But yeah, that too. Now remind me again who we're fighting. There have been so many losers and traitors that have either left or died I can't keep track."

"Well there's Kwinn and his son Ghost Bear," Destro remarked. "Those two are extremely dangerous."

"Dr. Venom and Hotwire are nothing to sneeze at either," Mindbender spoke up. "Those two have extremely dangerous scientific minds."

"And that's him saying it," Zartan quipped. "I know we killed Vanguard, Copperhead and Raptor. Who's left in command?"

"According to my sources in the spirit world they rehired Cesspool to take Raptor's place," Crystal Ball spoke up.

"Who?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Vincent D'Alleva," Mindbender remembered. He pulled up the man's profile on the computer. "You remember? That business man who fell into his own toxic sludge and got horribly scarred. Ended up with a huge grudge against the environment for some bizarre reason."

"Oh right, him!" Cobra Commander realized. "He used to organize a lot of our holiday parties. Hey, he doesn't look that maimed. I thought he looked worse than that."

"He got plastic surgery," The Baroness explained.

"Oh, I see," Cobra Commander nodded. "They've done some amazing progress with that over the years haven't they?"

"I know Big Boa's gone," Firefly spoke up. "He had a heart attack years ago."

"He could fight anything except cholesterol," Cobra Commander quipped.

"What about Major Bludd?" Xamot remembered. "Is he still on our side?"

"Is he still alive?" Tomax asked.

"Don't know. Don't care," Cobra Commander waved.

"Is Croc Master dead?" The Baroness asked. "I forgot."

"I think he is," Destro admitted. "It's been a very long time since we've heard from him."

"We had guys named Big Boa and Croc Master?" Tiffany blinked. "This is the first I've heard of them."

Mindbender spoke up. "Is there anyone else we're forgetting?"

Cobra Commander shrugged. "Honestly I don't think anyone else is that important. My motto is: if somebody shoots at you, they're the enemy. It's as simple as that."

"Hey! Look on the monitor!" Zarana pointed. "Guess who's going into that building next door?"

"I swear if this is anything like the time you swore you saw Brad Pitt…" The Baroness groaned. Then did a double take. "Zero!"

"Who?" Torch blinked.

"Zero!" Zarana snapped. "As in Zero and Vapor?"

"The two idiots that have been torturing us with those stupid videos all year?" Zartan growled.

"Then weren't all stupid," Buzzer grumbled.

"They were," Firefly glared at him.

Cobra Commander growled. "Okay I know I said no more distractions…But I think we have time for two tiny ones."

"I agree," Destro growled.

"Mindbender, Ripper and Crystal Ball you stay on the ship," Cobra Commander snarled. "You can land in that parking lot back there but keep the cloak on."

"I get to come too right?" Blood Wing asked. "Sounds like there are a lot of people I can kill and drink blood from."

"That's why I'm inviting you," Cobra Commander told him. "Starting with a small appetizer of dorks!"

Not very long after that…

"I got all the snacks!" Zero said cheerfully as he walked into the video recording studio holding a large bag.

"Cool!" Vapor grinned as he worked the controls of a large machine. "Did you get the Ding Dongs?"

"Oh yes," Cobra Commander snarled as he and his team walked into the room. "We got you all right!"

"Uh hello," Zero waved weakly as he dropped the bag on the floor. "Commander…"

"What are you doing here?" Vapor blinked.

"Taking care of some business…" Cobra Commander growled menacingly. "Now before I destroy you all in an extremely painful and amusing way…Well amusing for me. I need to ask. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU IDIOTS THINKING WITH ALL THOSE STUPID SHOWS?"

"Uhh…" Vapor and Zero blinked.

"Oh silly," Cobra Commander mocked. "You don't think! What a stupid question!"

"Well we thought that we could show everyone the glory of Cobra," Vapor said quickly. "By highlighting some of its members."

"Or in Copperhead's case," Firefly quipped. "Former members."

"Oh, did he quit?" Zero asked. "I haven't seen him around Mongoose Incorporated."

"That's because he's dead you dodo!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Which you will soon be!"

"Hang on. You've been broadcasting all this time from next door of Mongoose Incorporated?" Destro did a double take.

"Only the past few months," Vapor admitted.

"And it never occurred to you to tell us where you were?" The Baroness asked. "I ask knowing it's probably the only smart thing you idiots have ever done."

"We just didn't want to get in the way," Zero said weakly.

"Of laser blasts?" Zartan quipped. "Yeah I can see that happening."

"Give me one good reason I shouldn't blast you two idiots into atomic particles right here and now?" Cobra Commander snarled.

"Well…" Vapor coughed. "We did manage to hack into the accounts of Mongoose Incorporated and steal a lot of their money."

"What?" Destro blinked. "How did you do that?"

"They use a lot of the same passwords you guys use," Zero showed them some ledgers. "Plus, we snuck into some of the offices that one time and found one of those password books. We copied them."

"I see," Destro blinked.

"We were able to hack into their files rather easily," Vapor nodded. "I bet we could shut down their security systems with no problem."

"That would be useful," Cobra Commander admitted.

"We got a lot of their weapons in the next room," Vapor added. "That could be useful!"

"Probably," The Baroness admitted.

"Oh," Zero added. "We also found a secret tunnel into the building next door that none of the others seem to be aware of. It goes right into the underground headquarters. Into a supply closet."

"We've snuck in there at night one or two times," Vapor pulled out a bottle. "We got some good drinks and stuff. Grand Cru anyone?"

"All is forgiven," Cobra Commander said warmly as he took the bottle. "Now let's kick some asp!"

Meanwhile in the boardroom of Mongoose Incorporated…

"This is intolerable!" Dr. Venom screamed at what was left of his boardroom. "I mean I knew Cobra Commander would destroy this organization if he had half a chance, but I never thought he'd do it literally!"

"Has anyone managed to contact Kwinn and Ghost Bear yet?" Cesspool asked.

"They're still on their two-month yearly sabbatical," Hotwire, a tall woman with short brown hair spoke up. "Which means they're running around in the wilds of Alaska somewhere with no phones!"

Dr. Venom groaned. "Of all the times for Kwinn and his son to take a family hunting trip!"

"I left fifteen messages on his answering service," Hotwire sighed. "They have to hear them eventually."

"By the time they do," A man in a business suit spoke up. "It may be too late. Between Cobra and GI Joe our assets are dwindling faster than the stock of pumpkins the day after Thanksgiving!"

"What assets?" Dr. Venom screamed. "Cobra is blowing them up!"

"They even killed half the council," Hotwire grumbled. "That's why we had to promote and hire mostly no names. No offense."

"None taken," Said most of the boardroom which was made up of mostly men of unknown origin.

"Hey wait a minute," One of the men spoke up. "I thought Hotwire was a dude?"

"That was my brother," Hotwire explained. "The original Hotwire. He died off years ago and I took his place."

"We needed some female board members," Dr. Venom explained. "Especially after we kicked out Deming!"

"What I want to know is where the hell did they get a spaceship?" Cesspool asked.

"Who knows? Maybe they stole it?" Dr. Venom snapped. "What does it matter? We need to take them out before we all get killed!"

"What about hiring those ninjas that used to work for Cobra?" Hotwire asked. "Not Storm Shadow. The other ones."

"Slice and Dice?" Cesspool asked.

"Yes! Those two!" Hotwire agreed.

"No, I already contacted them!" Dr. Venom grumbled. "They're too busy setting up their own renegade ninja clan and fighting to take over the Yakuza. They want nothing to do with us or Cobra anymore."

"Have you tried offering them vast amounts of money?" Cesspool asked.

"No Cesspool," Dr. Venom looked at him. "I offered them a bunch of Pokémon cards. What a stupid question! Of course, I did!"

"That's not necessarily stupid," A board member spoke up. "Some of those cards are quite valuable."

"Remind me to shoot you when I find someone more valuable to replace you," Dr. Venom glared at him. "My point is that I offered them everything and anything I could think of. Including a stake in this company! But they didn't want it!"

"You should have been more forceful," Another board member spoke up.

"Yes, be more forceful to a pair of highly trained assassins that can kill you in fifteen different ways with only a pair of chopsticks!" Dr. Venom snapped. "Go ahead and try it. See how that goes!"

"I knew we should have killed those idiots when we had the chance," Hotwire grumbled.

"Could have, would have, should have!" Dr. Venom threw up his hands. "But we didn't! Live and learn! The trick now is living long enough to learn!"

"What do you mean by that?" Another board member asked. "Are you sick?"

"You know how Cobra Commander always said he had morons on his payroll?" Dr. Venom groaned. "I just figured out why!"

"Here's my question," Hotwire snapped. "Why are we just sitting around here whining when we should be preparing for an attack?"

"An attack?" Dr. Venom asked.

"Yes!" Hotwire snapped. "Even an idiot like Cobra Commander is going to figure out where we are! And if not him, the Joes! We need to prepare for an attack! Honestly I can't believe it hasn't happened by now!"

"I can," Cesspool admitted. "Cobra Commander isn't exactly the most focused individual."

"He seems pretty focused enough to me!" Hotwire told him. "Sooner or later he's going to remember that this was his original base and we kicked him out of it! We need to prepare for an immediate attack!"

"How immediate are we talking about?" Another board member spoke up.

BOOOOOOM!

The intercom cracked to life. "Dr. Venom! Cobra is attack...! AAAHHH!" The sounds of laser blasts were heard.

"Does that answer your question?" Hotwire snapped. "Never mind! I had a feeling something like this would happen!" She pulled out a briefcase and left the room.

"Where are you going?" Dr. Venom snapped.

"To change my outfit!" Hotwire told him as she left.

"I don't think it's a good time to try on clothes," The first businessman was puzzled.

"No, you idiot she's…" Dr. Venom growled. "Never mind." He hit the intercom. "All personnel…Kill the intruders! Do you hear me? Kill them!"

Dr. Venom grumbled as he shut off the intercom. "I knew I should have put nerve gas in the vents! Damn liability laws!"

Meanwhile the Cobras were making their way through the labyrinth tunnels. Shooting everyone in their path. "This is easy!" Zartan scoffed as some soldiers tried to stop them but kept missing. "These soldiers can't hit anything!"

"Yeah, they're former Cobra soldiers all right," Monkeywrench nodded as he and Zartan shot them.

"HEY!" Cobra Commander began. "No, you're right. Damn it."

"You're lucky that you have the best of Cobra with you," Torch nodded.

"The frightening part of that sentence is that he isn't wrong," Destro sighed.

"No," Cobra Commander sighed. "The truly frightening part is that Torch actually figured it out before I did! Ugh!"

Torch blinked. "Maybe if you cut down on the hooch a bit Commander…?"

"Again," Zartan looked at Cobra Commander. "That's him saying it!"

"There they are!" Several soldiers in red armor appeared in the hallway. "Fire!"

ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!

The Cobras took cover around the corner. "Kill them all!" The soldier in the lead called out. "It's time we took out Cobra Crud-Mander once and for all!"

"YOU WILL SUFFER FOR THAT COMMENT!" Cobra Commander screeched.

"I know that bloke," Zandar growled. "It's Body Bags!"

"Who?" Cobra Commander shouted.

"A former Plague Trooper," Destro told him. "He used to hang around with Bayonet."

"Who?" Cobra Commander asked again.

"You remember Bayonet," The Baroness told him. "He was the one that needed that life support system. Which got shredded years ago during that attack on our pyramid hideout."

"In his defense," Zartan remarked. "Kind of hard to run with a giant air tank and respirator on your back."

"It wasn't the running that did him in," The Baroness said. "It was the fact he stepped on one of our own land mines."

ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!

"I recognize the other guys," Firefly spoke up. "That's Cobra Mortal on the left…"

"Who?" Cobra Commander asked.

"A mercenary we hired in the 90's," Destro explained. "Along with Gallows, Gristle and General Mayhem. I recognize those three with him."

"WHO?" Cobra Commander shouted.

"You're starting to sound like an owl," Zarana rolled her eyes.

"Hang on," Zartan nodded to Firefly, Zandar, and Zarana. They all took aim.

ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!

All the soldiers firing fell dead to the blasts from the Cobras. "Doesn't matter," Zartan said. "They're dead now. Come on."

"Again," Zandar grumbled as they moved forward. "Good thing we're fighting former Cobra soldiers."

"Ugh…" Cobra Commander grumbled. "Let's just get this over with!"

Cobra Commander kicked down the door to the conference room. "All right you…" He looked around the empty room. "Where is everyone?"

"Are you sure you have the right room?" Tiffany asked.

"This is the main conference room where we had all those stupid meetings," Cobra Commander snapped.

"Pretty hard to forget those," The Baroness told her. "No matter how hard I try."

"This used to be the center of our base," Cobra Commander said as he looked around. "You know? Underground? Protected. That sort of thing."

"Oh right," Vapor realized. "I remember now. They moved their boardroom to the top floor after they had it renovated."

"What?" Cobra Commander did a double take.

"They wanted a better view," Vapor shrugged.

"And you didn't think that information would be relevant before we started the attack?" The Baroness shouted.

"So, we've been going…?" Tomax began.

"In the wrong direction?" Xamot shouted.

"There they are!" Some more soldiers ran around the corner and charged at them.

ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!

Only to be cut down by Xamot and Tomax's blasters.

"You idiots!" Xamot and Tomax screamed after they shot the soldiers.

"Anybody recognize these blokes?" Torch pointed.

"Uh no," Destro looked at the dead soldiers. "We're going to have to backtrack and make our way up several flights of stairs."

"Why don't we just take the elevator?" Monkeywrench asked.

"Haven't you ever seen a movie?" Buzzer told him. "Then all they'd have to do is disable the elevator's controls and cut the cords so we'd fall to our death!"

"Oh right," Monkeywrench realized. "Like in that movie with the guy…"

"Say what you will about action movies," Torch spoke up. "They're educational!"

"Am I to assume that this boardroom is on the top floor?" The Baroness asked Vapor and Zero.

"Oh yeah," Zero nodded. "It's only ten flights up from here."

"Oh, is that all?" The Baroness groaned.

"Might as well get started," Zartan sighed.

"Hang on," Cobra Commander went to a panel in the wall and opened it. "Just as I left it! Untouched!"

"What is it?" The Baroness asked. "Important intel?"

"More like a bottle of scotch," Destro sighed.

"There," Cobra Commander pulled out a bottle of scotch. "Now it's not a wasted trip. Let's go!"

"You called it," The Baroness groaned as they left.

They encountered another group of soldiers. Zartan shot one dead. The leader screamed. "RETREAT! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!"

"FORGET THIS!" Another soldier screamed as they ran away. "I'm done with being a terrorist!"

"Yeah I'm going to work on a cruise ship where it's safe!" Another whimpered.

"Yeah those are our troops all right," The Baroness remarked as the Cobras watched the soldiers run off.

"I GET IT!" Cobra Commander snapped. "WE NEED TO HIRE BETTER PEOPLE! COME ON!"

"This is actually quite fun," Blood Wing remarked as they moved forward.

"Dude what have you done?" Monkeywrench snapped. "I've barely seen you use your laser blaster!"

"I'm biding my time," Blood Wing told him.

"For what?" Buzzer asked. "A bloody invitation from the Queen of England?"

"Why would I care what she wants?" Blood Wing asked. "I'm originally from Mexico. Call me when Daniela de Jesus Cosio wants to meet me."

Firefly shrugged as they started to go up the stairs. "I have to agree with him on that one."

"Me too," Destro nodded.

"Could you idiots be any louder?" The Baroness hissed. "Keep it down before someone…"

ZAAPP! ZAPP! ZAPP!

"AAAHH!" Cobra Commander screamed as the Cobras dodged the laser fire from above the stairs. They took cover around the corner.

"Hears where we are," The Baroness groaned. "And sets up an ambush!"

"Rip It! Scar Face! Steel Cobra! Guillotine! Velocity! Voltar! Get them!" A man with tiger stripes and claws on his body, resembling a half man, half tiger roared. He wore a red uniform as well. He was commanding a group of soldiers at the top of the stairs with laser blasters.

"Got it General Razorclaw!" Scar Face called out before they opened fire.

"WHO THE HELL ARE THESE GUYS?" Cobra Commander shouted over the laser fire.

"More people we hired in the 90's," Destro told him.

"So basically," Cobra Commander remarked. "Mongoose Incorporated took all the C and D listers they could find?"

"Apparently," Xamot shrugged.

ZAAPP!

"Still pretty good shots!" Tomax yelped as he dodged some laser fire.

"I hear people coming from behind," Zartan realized. "They're trying to trap us!"

"Okay now is a good time for me to act," Blood Wing remarked. He focused on his powers and turned into a ball of fire. "Here I go!" He flew towards the soldiers.

"What the hell is that?" Scar Face screamed as Blood Wing flew towards them.

"FIRE!" Razorclaw screamed. The soldiers fired but their laser blasts went right through Blood Wing.

"You can't shoot lasers to blow up fire," Torch chuckled. "Trust me on this one."

"We do," Zartan sighed.

"I mean I've tried that…" Torch went on.

"I believe you," Zartan told him.

Blood Wing in his fire form flew right at Razorclaw, setting him on fire. "AAAAAHHHH!" He screamed in agony as he was burned alive.

"I believe the Tiger Guy learning that lesson the hard way," Zandar quipped.

As Razorclaw writhed in agony and burned to death, Blood Wing reformed as a human and started tearing into the soldiers with such speed they could barely register what was going on. Until it was too late. Soon there was nothing but a burned bloody mess of dead bodies on the stairs.

"Well," Cobra Commander looked around. "We're really cutting down on the unnecessary characters around here."

"Ugh," Firefly winced. "I hate the smell of burning tiger fur."

"All clear," Blood Wing licked his fingers. "Watch your step."

"Oooh," Buzzer realized as they made their way forward. "That's what he meant by waiting for the right time."

"To be fair," Zarana said as they went up the stairs. "That was good timing."

"It really was," Cobra Commander agreed as they made their way to another floor.

"Let's split up," Destro suggested. "The Commander and I will take the Baroness, Firefly, Zartan, Blood Wing and the Crimson Twins to deal with the leaders of Mongoose Incorporated. The rest of you deal with everyone else on the other floors."

"In other words," Cobra Commander said. "Do what you do best. Create mayhem!"

"Okay!" Torch grinned as the other Cobras went through the door to attack. Soon the sounds of laser blasts and screams were heard.

"Let's leave them to their fun," Cobra Commander said. "Come on!" They went up the stairs.

Meanwhile in the boardroom…

"What do you mean all our internal security systems are shut down?" Dr. Venom screamed.

"They're shut down," A board member told him. "As in they're not working. They're offline."

"I KNOW WHAT SHUT DOWN MEANS!" Dr. Venom snapped.

The board member paused. "They're disconnected…"

"We really need to hire new people," Cesspool remarked.

"In the context of this situation!" Dr. Venom snapped. "Why are our internal security systems are shut down?"

"I…don't know," The board member blinked. "I think somebody shut them off."

"OBVIOUSLY!" Dr. Venom shouted. "WHO DID THAT?"

"Cobra did somehow!" Cesspool snapped. "Look we're just going to have to rely on our troops to take them out! Screaming about it, isn't going to solve anything!"

"True," Dr. Venom sighed. "This will."

He then pulled out his blaster and shot the board member dead. "Feel better?" Cesspool asked.

"I do," Dr. Venom put his blaster back into it's holster. "I'll feel even better when we take out Cobra Commander and his ilk. Patch me through to Kwinn's phone again."

"But we already left…" A board member gulped.

"I KNOW!" Dr. Venom shouted. "Oh, for God's sake I will do it myself!" He took out his phone and called the number. "Stupid answering service. "KWINN! KWINN YOU BASTARD PICK UP THE DAMN PHONE! Cobra Commander and his team are attacking our base! They're in the halls right now! And yes, I know I said that wouldn't happen! I was wrong! My bad! Mea culpa! Just get your mercenary ass back here while there's an organization left! Venom out!"

Dr. Venom screamed in frustration. "How the hell did this all go so wrong? A few months ago, we were on top of the world! We were becoming a powerful corporation to rival Disney! We were going to conquer the world through business! How did this all go so wrong, so fast?"

"Honestly?" A board member spoke up. "We pissed off a bunch of violent lunatics with more luck than brains."

"He's not wrong," Cesspool admitted.

Dr. Venom groaned. "I knew I should have quit the terrorism game and go run my own pot farm. I knew it. I should have left years ago! But noooooo! I had to stay for the glamor and excitement! And the money."

"We figured the money part," Another board member spoke up.

"That one is a no-brainer," Cesspool agreed.

Speaking of No Brainers…

"Snake Gods of the Netherworld those stairs are a killer," Cobra Commander panted as the Cobras made their way to the top floor.

"It wasn't that bad," The Baroness told him. "I'm not panting and I did it in boots with heels."

"Try a metal mask sometime," Destro told her. "It's no picnic. But I agree those stairs weren't that bad. Once everyone stopped shooting at us."

"Let me just catch my breath for a second," Cobra Commander panted. He had opened up the bottle and opened the hole in his mask. He poured a small amount through the hole. "Oh yeah. That's the stuff. I knew I saved this for a reason."

"Commander maybe you should try building up your stamina?" Blood Wing suggested. "Such as going on short walks. Other than to the bar of course."

"Maybe you should…?" Cobra Commander panted. "Hang on." He took another drink.

"Commander," Destro sighed. "It's not a good sign if you have to take a booze break in the middle of a battle."

"I'm rehydrating!" Cobra Commander snapped before he took another drink.

"Actually, alcohol does the opposite," The Baroness pointed out.

"Only in your species!" Cobra Commander snapped. Then took another drink. "Okay! Yeah! This is the stuff!" He finished the bottle then smashed it against the wall. "Whoo! Let's do this thing!" He stormed ahead of the group.

Zartan sighed. "We may need to steal a coffee machine or something."

"That's not a bad idea," Destro agreed. "Come on." They followed Cobra Commander.

Blood Wing sniffed. "Do you smell smoke?"

"Well Torch is loose in the building," Zartan told him. "So odds are…"

"Say hello to my little friend!" Cobra Commander screamed as he used his laser to shoot at the door to the boardroom.

"Oh, for the love of…" Dr. Venom screamed as the door was blown to pieces and the Cobras strode in. "We just had that door fixed!"

"And now you're going to get fixed," Zartan quipped.

"You pathetic wannabees thought you could overthrow me?" Cobra Commander screamed. "The original Cobra Gangster? I'll show you who's got the chops to run this organization!"

"Uh excuse me?" Cesspool spoke up. "Hello? Cobra Commander? I'm Cesspool. And I'm willing to change sides and follow you!"

"You spineless little…" Dr. Venom glared at Cesspool.

"We'll join too!" Another board member spoke up.

"Yes, we will!" Two more called out.

"Oh yeah," The Baroness rolled her eyes. "These are Cobra Troops all right."

"Hang on," Cobra Commander did a double take at Cesspool. "Who the hell are you?"

"Cesspool," Cesspool told him. "Vincent D'Alleva? We did some work together in the 90's? Poisoning the environment? Eco-terrorism?"

"Oh right," Cobra Commander nodded. "You got plastic surgery."

"They're really doing fantastic things with that nowadays," Cesspool nodded. "And I'd really like to keep this new face so…"

"Yeah here's the thing Cesspool," Cobra Commander said. "Cobra is streamlining our organization. Getting rid of the dead wood so to speak. And since I already have more than my quota of spineless wimps and characters that are not that memorable…"

"So there's absolutely no chance you will let me or anyone else switch sides?" Cesspool gulped.

"None," Cobra Commander growled.

"Okay," Cesspool sighed. "Fair enough. May I offer an alternative idea. Which is…?" He then ran past the Cobras out of the boardroom screaming.

Five other members of the boardroom looked at each other and did the same thing. "Oh, for the love of…" Dr. Venom groaned.

"You can really pick them can't you doc?" Zartan said sarcastically.

"Should we go after them?" Firefly asked.

"Don't even waste your time on those losers," Cobra Commander waved. "Especially when we have better targets right in front of us!"

"Interesting choice of words…" Hotwire's voice was heard.

Xamot and Tomax looked behind them. "DUCK!" They shouted as one.

The Cobras instinctively did so before the explosion.

BOOOOOOOM!

"What the…?" Zartan did a double take as he saw a figure in a red and sliver metal suit.

"What the hell is with the Iron Man rip off over here?" Cobra Commander screamed.

"Hello Commander…" Hotwire growled.

"Oh…" A board member realized something. "Is that what she meant by changing clothes?"

"Yes!" Dr. Venom snapped. "Hotwire's only been talking about her armored suit for I don't know…A WHOLE FREAKING YEAR!"

"We didn't know!" Another board member called out. "Some of us just got here."

"So did we," Blood Wing remarked.

"Hang on," Cobra Commander blinked. "I thought Hotwire was a man?"

"That was the original Hotwire," The Baroness explained. "Her brother. He died in the pyramid attack. She took over for him."

"She did?" Destro blinked. "I don't remember that."

"Well you lot don't exactly pay much attention to people outside your little group!" Hotwire snarled.

"She was a diversity hire, wasn't she?" Zartan asked.

"Pretty much," Dr. Venom admitted. "Still a good pick. Considering what I ended up with!" He pointed to the remaining board members.

"Hang on," Destro looked around. "We're missing some people. Where's Kwinn and Ghost Bear?"

"They're on vacation!" Hotwire snapped. "But we can handle you lot! Well I can handle you lot!"

"Get 'em Hotwire!" Dr. Venom called out.

"That was the plan!" Hotwire snarled as she sent out some laser blasts from the weapons in her wrists.

"RUN!" Cobra Commander screamed as the Cobras scattered. They ran around the boardroom as Hotwire shot at them. Of course, Dr. Venom and the board members ran around as well to get out of the line of fire.

Cobra Commander ran behind one board member and shoved him in front of him. The board member screamed as he was shot dead by the lasers. "Sorry!" Hotwire called out.

"Don't be," Dr. Venom told her. "Didn't like that guy much anyway. Was going to replace him. Just get Cobra Crud-Mander and his backup group too!"

Destro fired off one of his wrist rockets. "That's not going to stop me!" Hotwire cackled as the rocket went over her head. "You missed!"

"Did I?" Destro called out.

RRUUMMBBLE!

CRASH!

Parts of the wall fell on top of Hotwire. "Damn it…" Hotwire was knocked down. "When I get out of this…" She struggled to get up, but several parts of the wall was hindering her.

Destro joined the others behind the end of the long boardroom table. "Okay I bought us some time!"

"Not much," Blood Wing noticed as Hotwire was getting back up slowly. "What do we do?"

"Why don't you just do that fire thing you did before?" Zartan snapped.

"I'm a little tired okay?" Blood Wing snapped. "I need a pick me up!"

"You mean you need to feed," Cobra Commander realized.

"Don't look at us!" Firefly snapped.

"Didn't you just snack on those soldiers back there?" Zartan asked.

"I had a couple of sips," Blood Wing snapped. "It's like having two chicken nuggets when you need a full meal!"

"Hang on," Destro realized. "We're on the top floor so…" He activated his communicator. "Mindbender! Ripper! We're pinned down by Hotwire in an Iron Man rip off outfit! Top floor east corner!"

"Got it," Ripper called out.

"Hurry up and get them!" Dr. Venom ordered Hotwire.

"This armor is heavier than you think!" Hotwire snapped as she slowly got up and pushed the rubble off of her. "You have a blaster! Why don't you get them?"

"Oh right," Dr. Venom realized as he took out his blaster. "I'm going to blast you…"

Firefly and Zartan managed to get off a few rounds. "NO, I'M NOT!" Dr. Venom screamed as he barley dodged the line of fire. "AAAHHH!"

"Oh, for the love of…" Hotwire grumbled. "If you want a job done right, get a woman to do it!"

"My thoughts exactly," The Baroness pulled out a flash grenade and threw it. "Everyone close your eyes!"

FLASH!

"AAAHHH!" Hotwire snarled. "That stupid thing frazzled my optical circuits!" She started to fire at random.

Which of course caused everyone to run around again. "Don't fire at us!" Dr. Venom screamed. "You heard her yell everybody close your eyes! That wasn't a clue?"

"I'M OUT OF HERE!" Another board member screamed as he ran for the door.

Unfortunately for him Blood Wing saw his opportunity and ran behind him. Grabbing him easily.

"Lunchtime," Blood Wing flashed his fangs before sinking them into the board member's neck.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" Dr. Venom screamed as he saw the sight.

"Vampire," Cobra Commander shrugged and then started to fire at Dr. Venom.

"AAAAH!" Dr. Venom screamed as he was hit in the shoulder and dropped his blaster.

The laser fire from the blaster as it dropped hit another board member. "Thanks for making our job easier, Venom!" Zartan cackled.

"Oh, for the love of…" Hotwire snarled. "That's it, you idiots are toast! And you're next Venom!"

"Me?" Dr. Venom screamed in pain.

"Your incompetence has nearly cost us everything!" Hotwire snarled. "I'm going to take out all of you! In fact…" She turned her blasters on Dr. Venom and killed him instantly.

Cobra Commander quipped. "Boy it's getting so you can't trust anybody these days!"

"We know right?" The Crimson Twins said as one.

"Okay," Blood Wing joined the other Cobras. "I'm done feeding. What did I miss?"

"Hotwire's planning a coup of her own," The Baroness told him. "Killed Venom and a few other flunkies."

"Wow, you really can't trust anyone nowadays," Blood Wing remarked.

"That's what I said," Cobra Commander told him.

"Remind me to write that on your tombstone," Hotwire prepared her weapons.

What she didn't see was a spaceship rising right behind her through the glass windows. "Everybody duck!" Destro roared as the Cobras and the few remaining board members scattered.

"What…?" Hotwire turned around to see the spaceship behind her. "Are you….?

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAPP! ZZZAPPP! ZZAPPP!

SMASH! CRASH!

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

When the smoke cleared the Cobras saw that what was left of Hotwire was a charred mess. "Now that's just good timing," Cobra Commander remarked.

"Good job," Destro called out over the communicator. "You got her."

"Her?" Ripper responded. "I thought Hotwire was a dude?"

"LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!" One of the few remaining board members screamed. They ran out the door.

"That's how you do a hostile takeover," Cobra Commander quipped. "YEAH! I'M BACK BABY! Cobra is once again victorious!"

"Well I wouldn't use the phrase once again," Destro admitted. "But…"

"Is there anybody left?" Zartan looked around.

"I don't…" Xamot remarked.

"Think so," Tomax finished. "Wait didn't they say…?"

"That Ghost Bear and his father weren't here!" Xamot realized.

"Eh we'll deal with those two if we come across them," Cobra Commander scoffed. "The point is, I'M BACK BABY! COBRA IS VICTORIOUS ONCE AGAIN! HA! COBRA RULES! MONGOOSE INCORPORATED DROOLS! HAA!"

"Hey is this a party or what?" Torch whooped as the other Cobras joined them.

"Let's see," Zandar looked around. "Broken glass. Dead bodies. A guy was on fire. Yeah it's a Cobra Party all right."

"We took out most of the high command," Zartan spoke up.

"Technically Hotwire did her fair share," The Baroness pointed to the destroyed suit. "She killed off Venom and a few nameless flunkies in a power play."

"True but I ordered Mindbender and Ripper to blow her up!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Technically I ordered…" Destro sighed. "It doesn't matter. Kwinn and his son are on vacation."

"So, we should look out for those blokes in the future?" Zarana asked.

"It might be prudent," Destro admitted. "Did you see anyone else that would give us any trouble?"

"I saw that Cesspool guy and a few blokes run out the back door," Monkeywrench admitted. "And a few dozen other people took off. Including some losers that just ran down the hallway."

"And you didn't go after them?" Cobra Commander snarled.

"We decided to deal with the people shooting at us first," Zarana quipped. "Save our ammo for the real threats."

"Good call," Destro nodded. "Any casualties on our side?"

"Nope," Buzzer shook his head. "We're all fine."

"Oh well," Destro sighed. "Maybe next time?"

The sounds of gunfire were heard from outside. "What the…?" Zartan looked out the window. He barely dodged a laser blast. "AAAHH!"

"What the devil is going on now?" Cobra Commander snapped.

"A bunch of cops are out there," Zartan peeked. "As well as some Joes! It appears the entire building is surrounded!"

"What? How did they find us?" Cobra Commander gasped.

"Well Commander," Destro said dryly. "When gunshots and flames erupt from a building, then a spaceship appears from the sky shooting lasers…People tend to notice!"

Firefly managed to take a peek. "Looks like Cesspool and his team ran into some trouble. They're fighting with the cops."

"Some other troops are running out the front door," Zartan reported.

ZAAP! ZAAPP! ZAAP!

"And right into laser fire," Zartan winced.

"I suggest a tactful retreat," Destro turned to Cobra Commander. "Let whoever's left be a distraction for the authorities."

SMASH!

ZZAAAPP!

"As always Destro," Cobra Commander winced as another window was destroyed by laser fire. "You are the voice of reason. To the roof! Mindbender! Ripper! We need a pickup!"

"I was just about to suggest that Commander," Mindbender was heard gulping. "My sensors are picking up not only Joe reinforcements but the Avengers coming in fast!"

"Then let's move it!" Cobra Commander called out as the Cobras ran. "GO! GO! GO!"

It wasn't long before the Cobras had boarded the spaceship. "Just in time," Ripper pointed. "Iron Man's coming in at 2 O'clock!"

"Well since it's one thirty…" Torch spoke up. "We have time."

"Just get us out of here," Destro groaned.

"Yes, let the Joes and the Avengers deal with the clean up!" Cobra Commander agreed as the spaceship zoomed off. "The important thing is that Mongoose Incorporated is deader than disco!"

"And so will we if we can't find a place to hide from them," Firefly pointed out. "Which is going to be a problem since we destroyed all our bases!"

"Wait a minute," Mindbender realized. "We do have a place to hide! There's one base left we haven't been to!"

"Where?" Destro asked.

"Cobra Island," Mindbender told them.

"We can't go there!" The Baroness snapped. "The Joes know where it is!"

"If you recall Cobra Island has an independent charter," Mindbender told her. "Legally it's a country."

"Of course!" Cobra Commander cackled. "If we reclaim Cobra Island and claim sovereignty the Joes and the Avengers can't invade us!"

"That very rarely works," Destro pointed out. "Those people tend to ignore those things when it suits them."

"Look it's a place to hide out and lay low!" Zartan said. "I say we go for it!"

"Then set a course for Cobra Island!" Cobra Commander ordered. "Uh where is it again?"

"How we've survived all these decades is a mystery to me," Destro grumbled under his breath.