"Prince Turandot…"

Summary: Can the courageous Princess Amy unfreeze the icy heart of the cruel Prince Sheldon Turandot? Well, she's giving it her all…In song as well as deed.

Disclaimer: What's Chuck's is Chuck's…No infringement intended…

Prologue:

Sheldon and Leonard's living room…

Simulcast of the Royal Opera's "Turandot" by Puccini on screen…

An eager Rajesh having persuaded the gang to try something new…

Penny and Howard snoring loudly in chair before the preshow interview had concluded…Bernadette gamely trying to give it a chance. Leonard no longer having to conceal with his eagerness from Penny ("Opera? Heh…I sure as heck don't watch opera.")

Amy intrigued…Sheldon somewhat so, for polarly opposing reasons…Amy lured by the notion of great romance and passion…He finding the notion of the Princess developing the ultimate method of eliminating bothersome distractions by obsessed suitors to be rather interesting.

"I mean if the Prince of all Persia can't manage a few riddles, he's hardly fit to govern Persia, let alone China…" Sheldon noted, with shrug.

"Sheldon, please…" Leonard frowned… "Lets keep the sarcastic comments for intermission…"

"So you like it?" Raj eyed him.

"Who me? Uh…Well…It's not really my cup of tea…I mean…You know, 'opera' and all that. Kinda out there, ya know?" wave of hands.

"As opposed to sci-fi space opera and comic book fantasy?" Amy eyed him.

"There's no singing there…And all that emotive stuff…" Leonard insisted.

"Actually…Dude…There's quite a bit of emoting…And music in sci-fi fantasy is critical to mood-setting." Raj noted. "And there's been a good deal of singing in a lot of our favorite sci-fi over the years."

"You want me to watch this or not, Raj…" Leonard glared. "Now quiet, here come Ping, Pang, and Pong…"

"So you do know the story pretty well…" Raj grinned…

"Please…Could we hear the show and you do your little who's a real male dance later on?" Amy sighed.

"Now me, I wouldn't waste everyone's time with riddles and tests…I'd just execute the suitors as they showed up…" Sheldon noted.

"Wouldn't there be one you'd consider hearing out?" Amy eyed him…A bit plaintively.

Hmmn…He pondered…

"No, I see no reason to. China's too far away from most of these other kingdoms given the limited transportation options of the era for them to bring anything useful with the marriage. I'd say she'd be better off executing all of them till the word gets out that it's a fruitless task."

"Sheldon…" Bernadette glared…As Amy stared, utterly downcast…

"I see that…" Amy said, calmly… "Thanks for making it so clear, Sheldon." She rose and ran for the bathroom…

"Hmmn…Well that's poor planning on her part…" Sheldon looked after her. "I keep trying to get her to implement a proper bathroom regimen and stick to it to avoid things like this but…"

"Could we please hear the show?" Leonard, fuming a bit…

"Leonard!" Bernadette…

"What?..." he blinked…

"I expect Sheldon to be totally insensitive to poor Amy but at least I thought better of you." She eyed him sternly…But kept voice low so as not to unduly disturb the sleepers…

"Me…? Insensitive?" Sheldon stared. "But I just expressed concern that Amy wasn't properly regulating her bowel movements and thereby causing herself needless social embarrassment…And spoiling others' enjoyment of the event underway. Indicating concern not only for her but others…"

Bernadette rolled eyes…But gave it up as useless, returning to the somewhat hapless Leonard…

"Can't you go and ask Amy to please come back?" she eyed him.

"Yes and make sure you apologize…" Sheldon chimed in. As Leonard reluctantly rose…

See…The soul of sensitivity…He noted to Raj happily. Arch look to Bernadette…

"Sheldon…One day…I hope you learn what it is to lose a wonderful girl like Amy." She frowned.

And suddenly startled him by taking on the form of his beloved Meemaw…

Who bears a striking resemblance to actress Patty Duke…

(Hey, she sang "Soft Kitty" beautifully on YouTube, what more do you want in Meemaw?)

"Meemaw?" he blinked, looking round…

And where did everyone go?

"Oh…I'm having a dream again, aren't I? Like with the Morlocks and our time machine…" he noted contentedly.

"Say…Where are we?" he looked round…At the palatial surroundings…

"Is this by any chance Imperial China?"

"Don't be silly, honey…You're not Chinese. This is Imperial California, a mythical empire. And this is the great palace in the heart of your capital, Pasadena." Meemaw smiled.

"Meemaw, I don't need to experience some…"

"Sit down in your throne spot and shut it, boy." She ordered.

"Yes, ma'am." He sat in throne on cushion spot, folding silken robes back to fit comfortably.

Ah, even better than back in the real world… Though…He glanced round.

"Where's the television…?"

Meemaw glared…

"Right…Mythic empires aren't served by cable…" he sighed.

"But you have something better…" she noted. Clapping hands…

"Storytellers…" she waved to introduce the three masked figures in silk robes rushing in from a side door. They pausing at her stare.

"They'll handle it from here, Prince honey." She eyed him.

"But Meemaw…" he protested… She putting up a hand…

"You get called Prince 'Moonpie' when you've earnt it, Sheldon. And you know you haven't today."

"Meemaw, you can't…Aw…" he frowned at the space left by the now vanished Meemaw…

"My Prince…We are at your service…" one of the masked figures addressed him…

"Yes, right…Whatever…Get on with it so I can wake up…Come on…" he clapped. "Chop, chop…"

Uh…The three looked at each other…Gulping…

A huge figure emerged from a central door, with heavily armed guards bearing swords and shields. The figure wore a huge green dragon's head mask covering its entire head…And bore a very large, very sharp sword.

"You cwalled for the rwoyal executioner, Prwince Turwandot?" Kripke's voice from inside the mask.

All three of the storytellers throwing themselves to the ground as guards surrounded them.

Hmmn…Sheldon eyed the group…

Might save sometime…

On the other hand, I guess Meemaw wants me to hear their side of this…

Fine…

"No…I just said, chop, chop…"

"Rwight….? And chop, chop, who? Hwighness?" Kripke raised sword.

"No one…Yet…I just wanted these three to get on with it…"

"Hmmn…So torwture is rwequired, eh?" Kripke, hopefully as the three figures trembled.

"Possibly…" Sheldon shrugged. "But stand by and lets see what they have to say first…Come on you three…Lets hear what you have to say to me."

Kripke sighed but removed the large head mask to reveal a rather sweaty…No air conditioning in that thing…but essentially Barry Kripke…Clearly much smaller when out of the special executioner's suit.

"Highness…" the first rose… "I am Ping Hofstadter, your new royal minister and storyteller…"

"I am Pang Koothrapali…" the second rose beside Ping… "Likewise royal minister and storyteller…An expert, imported from that exotic land of India…So, please kill me last for the sake of good foreign relations?"

"Oh…my back…" the third groaned, rising… "Yeah, hi…Pong Wolowitz here…Your other new minister and storyteller of note…With the raciest tales for your bedroom fantasies this side of Jerusalem…A gift from the king of Judea."

"I see…Just who hired you three?"

"The Dowager Empress Mary, your Highness…" Ping noted. "We came in a set of three…Quite a bargain, really at the scholars and assorted experts slave market…"

"If I may explain, Pang and I were traveling together to be delivered as part of an embassy and got taken by bandits on the Silk Road…" Pong cut in… "We weren't ordinary merchandise like Ping here…"

"Hey…" Ping looked at Pong… "I happen to be an experimental Confusian philosopher with excellent credentials."

"You sure you don't wanna rwethink the torwture, Highness?" Executioner Kripke, hopefully… "We alrweady have plwenty of candwidates for the Thrwee Stooges."

"No…" Sheldon sighed. "Not if Mom purchased them. All rwight…I mean, right…Lets hear what you have to tell me. Executioner, you may go…But keep in earshot, just in case."

"Abswolutely…Oh, Hwighness? About the ewxecution this evening? The lady who missed your rwiddle test? The Prwincess of Perwsia, Prwincess Lwesley?"

"Oh? Tell me we're talking about Lesley Winkle?"

"Yes, the Prwincess Lwesley as I swaid, Hwighness…"

Why don't people here in Imperial California buy hearing aids if they can't hear me clearly?…Kripke sighed.

"Yeah…Execution set for tonight, you say? When? I wouldn't want to miss that."

Ping, Pang, Pong eyeing each other…

The legendary cruelty of Prince Turandot is no legend, clearly.

"Yes, but thwere was some cwoncern about the moon not rwising due to clouds tonight? The law does require that the moon be rwisen, Hwighness. Social cwonventions, sir."

"Well, if it's the social convention…" Sheldon sighed. "Can someone get a weather report for this evening?"

Gong rang by one of the numerous servants…

"Highness…Science Minister Gablehauser at your service…" Gablehauser, tall and elegant in silk robe entered.

"Weather report for this evening…And I'd like to hear there will not be clouds." Sheldon eyed him sternly. Gablehauser repressing slight gulp at the implied threat…Waving to a servant who ran off…And returned in seconds, with a relieved look, handing a scroll to Gablehauser. Who unfurled it elegantly…

"The news…Highness…Is then favorable…" he beamed. "Clouds will disperse by early evening, moonrise as expected on time."

"Exwcellent…" Kripke, eagerly… "I prwomise you, Hwighness, a firwst-rwate cweremony. No mwuss, no fwuss…A clean single thwack…And one well-swalted hwead off to Perwsia."

"Very good…." Sheldon paused…

Hmmn…Can't pass this chance up…

"Make it so…"

"Hwighness…" Kripke bowed…Stepping back to the large central door with steady bows while heading head mask to a guard…Most of the guards following him out the door.

"Well?" Sheldon eyed the three…

"If we may…Highness…" Ping began, waving hands in exaggerated motion, bending and stepping to suggest various images… "There once was a great but brutal emperor of a kingdom named East Texas, his name…George I Turandot…A great but bloody conqueror who believed in guns and hard drinking…As well as massacre, brutal conquest, pillage…All the usual stuff…"

"He was…" Pang continued, begin the hand wave…

"Stop that…No hand waves…No dancing…" Sheldon, firmly.

"But…Highness…" Pang stared… "That's how it's done…We have to have the hand wave and the gestures…"

"Fine…Call Kripke back…"

"No!" Pong put up a hand… "We're good…We can do it just fine without the fancy touches…Pang…Just tell the story, straight, no tai chi or other stuff."

"But…" Pang protested… "This form of storytelling is an ancient craft that deserves…"

"You want to go home to India…In separate packages…?" Pong eyed him.

"…So the great conqueror George…" Pang resumed…No gestures…

"My dad, yes…" Sheldon nodded.

"Conquered many lands from his initial kingdom in East Texas and welded them together into a vast state he named 'California' which means…"

"I know what it means…And I know family and imperial history…Get on with it." Sheldon frowned.

"…Fine…He slaughtered everyone in his path and in his wake and then died at the hands of an angry mob after a big argument about his son the heir with the Empress Mary his mother. George I fearing the boy was spending too much time with scholars in retreat instead of learning the harsh realities of cruel but necessary rulership."

"…The heir, Prince Turandot, Sheldon by name…" Pong took over…Without gestures… "Was horrified by the massive slaughter and violence and the murder of his father and while awaiting his time to take the throne pledged to avoid all such except that necessary to keep his empire peaceful."

"So I did…" Sheldon nodded.

"But the Prince…" Ping resumed… "Had concluded from observing his parents together that violence and suffering comes from intimate human contact…And therefore had resolved to avoid all such that he might rule peacefully and well. So he shut himself up in his palace, seeing only his books, necessary servants, and scholars to teach him of the world."

"Poor kid…" Pang sighed, taking over…

"It was wonderful…I was free of all human interference except that I wished and of course, Mom…" Sheldon frowned. "I hope this isn't governmental criticism 'cause you know in Imperial California we have no nonsense about freedom of speech and press…"

"Oh, no…Not at all…Wonderful system you have here, sir…I've suggested India adopt it in my letters home…"

"Fetch his letters home…" Sheldon waved to a servant…

Pong and Ping eyeing Pang…

Ok, dudes…We're safe…I'd read about Californian censorship and acted accordingly…Only personal messengers home to Mummy and Daddy with the real news from this hellish tyranny.

"Anyway…Only poor in the sense he wasn't able to avoid some contact with the world…As a first-rate trainee for rulership must…" Pang hastily noted.

"True…Very true…I carry the heavy burden for all…" Sheldon sighed.

"…Right…So…Things went swimmingly till one day the Dowager Empress who still had the ultimate say from Emperor George I's decrees…And the powerful connections amongst the Californian military and elite to back that up…Insisted that the young Prince begin to consider the future of the dynasty and his duty to take a wife and…You know…"

"I know, indeed…" Sheldon sighed. "But I sure got round that, didn't I? Go on, I'm liking this…" he beamed…

"Yes…And our gallant and noble Prince, wishing to avoid the sordid side of human contact while doing his duty to his mom…Something I sure understand…" Pong nodded, Pang having handed it off… "…Came up with a brilliant solution to the wife problem."

"And so it was…" Sheldon nodded. "Right, everyone?" stern glance around the great hall…

"Right!" "Absolutely." "Good one, Highness." "Aces!" "If only we could all do the same."

"I know…" Sheldon agreed to the last speaker, a junior minister, bowing eagerly… "But we do have to keep reproducing workers and such…Sorry. But I could make an exception for you if you'd like…"

"I wouldn't presume to share the same blessings as your noble Highness…" the minister intoned, urgently.

"I suppose that's the best way…Preserve the class distinctions for social stability." Sheldon nodded. "Well, I commend your noble patriotism."

Phew…The minister mopped brow as Sheldon turned away.

If Claire found how close I nearly came to getting us either forcibly divorced or her killed by Kripke…Most likely the latter…

"Please…Eh?" he eyed Pong…

"Pong…Highness…Yes…And so the noble Prince put paid to the problem by creating a test of three insurmountable, unsolvable riddles…Which any suitor for his hand must solve to prove herself worthy…And carrying an automatic sentence of death for anyone failing to reach the correct solutions. Which surprisingly was not a total turn-off, California being just too great a prize for some of the bravest and wisest of princesses not to attempt."

"Their call, not mine…" Sheldon put up a hand. "I give them every chance to back out till they reach the palace grounds gong and ring three times."

Mmmn… "And the latest being the brilliant, brave, and rather hot if sadly unfortunate Princess Lesley of Persia…Due to be executed this very night after missing her crack at the throne."

"She wasn't bad…Gotta give her that…She got one and was close on the second…" Sheldon shrugged. "But thank the gods we currently worship here in California…She mucked it…I dreaded the thought she might be the one to manage it. A real nightmare as opposed to that Indian princess who actually was rather sweet. Pity about her…"

"Yes…" Pang sighed. "All India mourned three days…But the flowers along with the threat of invasion were a nice touch, sir."

"Mom's idea…But I agreed…" Sheldon nodded.

"And now…" Ping resumed… "The Prince looks likely to escape any chance of being soiled by any intimate human contact…Living alone in his palace, contemplating existence for the rest of his life while his people, left to the unregulated governance of his ministers…Uh…Give constant thanks for such a blessing…"

Hmmn… "Not bad…Sums it up nicely…Ok…I think I've a spot for you three here." Sheldon nodded. "Actually to be honest, I'd've had to keep you anyway since Mom sent you but hey…You must be pleased to know you made the cut…Or rather escaped it…On your own…Well, my people will assign you quarters. I've got to go read and contemplate before I get into my getup for tonight's big event. See ya there, fellas…" he clapped and servants lifted his throne and carried him out…To general cheers and acclaim along the route down the great hall to his living quarters.

"Ok…" Pong eyed the other two… "I guess we live another day…Nice job, fellas."

"It was actually pretty fun…" Pang, happily… "Though I still say it would have been better with the gestures…There should be respect for tradition at least at the center of imperial government."

"Let it go, Pang…" Pong insisted. "We got the jobs…Lets just settle in and see if we can make something of this gig…Ping?"

"Yeah…" Ping sighed. "But I'd prefer to be headed home…I nearly had enough saved to buy my freedom when the Empress heard me lecturing and had to decide I was the perfect local choice to make up her set."

"Well, we stand to do well here if we keep our heads down and our noses strictly out of trouble." Pong noted, cautiously.

"Pretty hard with that nose, Pong…" Pang grinned.

"Hey…For someone who's always getting upset about implied racism…" Pong glared.

"I feel sorry for the little guy…" Ping sighed. "Keeping to himself like this, away from everyone…Executing any girl who seems to show any interest…I mean where's that going to lead."

"Violent revolution in about six years with the current corrupt set of ministers running things, I'd say…" Pang noted.

"And so it behooves us to cash in while we're in favor and there's still an empire to loot, I'd say…Right fellas?" Pong eyed his mates.

"Way of the world…But rather sad…" Pang sighed.